Elyse Watches The Bachelor–S25 E10: I am Not Making This Up

Elyse Watches The Bachelor with Kraken Rum and CokeHappy Bachelor day.

It’s Fantasy Suites night which means, thank the Rose God, we are nearing the end.

Pudding had her first vet visit (with us anyway) and other than arthritis, she is a healthy girl. She’s on meds for that and seems much more content.

She likes to supervise my knitting. She also asks for nose kisses now.

Pudding watches me knit

 

So we’re down to three women: Bri (who quit her job for the show), Michelle and Rachael. When we open all three of them are awkwardly talking to each other when Chris Harrison shows up (to make everything worse). The first overnight date is going to Michelle.

But before that Matt decides to have a sit down chat with his father, who wasn’t around when Matt was growing up. He wants an understanding of what happened between his parents because their separation has informed his relationships.

Rachel Lindsay said later that the conversation shouldn’t have aired and I agree. It’s clearly dredging up a lot of childhood trauma, and I’m not going to go into it other than to say this should have happened in therapy, not on TV.

Matt talks to his dad

Jesus. I wasn’t planning on drinking tonight but I just cracked a Whiteclaw.

Click for me

A woman drinks straight from a liquor bottle

So then we get to Michelle’s date. She and Matt are doing a “traditional Pennsylvania Dutch spa day.”

They go into a building where there’s a big tub filled with what looks like milk, a smaller tub filled with either wet cat food, oatmeal or a combo, and a taxidermy bear overseeing it all. Random fur pelts are thrown around for ambiance.

Am I asleep right now? Am I dreaming this shit?

I'm so confused

Jack Skellington asks what does it mean

So they soak their feet in the oatmeal/cat food tub. Then there’s this entire pyramid of butter someone brings in and they massage each other with it.

I AM NOT MAKING ANY OF THIS SHIT UP.

Michelle rubs actual sticks of butter onto Matt's back

So here’s my theory, some PA has just fucking had it. They’re done with this show. So they drink a six pack of Whiteclaw (I’m gonna say lime) and put together this absurd fucking date as their big FU to the whole franchise.

This PA, his name is now Chad, is like “Fuck you, Rose God. I missed Christmas with my family for this garbage.”

So Chad is assigned to put together an overnight date, and fueled by Whiteclaw, just fucking empties out the dairy section of the local grocery store (he took an Uber, don’t worry). Gallons of milk. Stacks of butter. Then he looks at this empty tub, but he’s run out of dairy products. The butter is starting to melt. Fancy Feast it is.

Then Chad shotguns another Claw, gives the world the finger, and goes somewhere to sleep it off after booking a flight home.

That’s the best I’ve got anyway.

So once they’ve showered off the saturated fats, Michelle and Matt sit among the fur pelts and talk.

Matt and Michelle enter the date room

Matt comments on the fact that Michelle’s parents have been married for 30 years, which is what he wants. So it makes total sense he’s looking for his wife on a reality tv show. Michelle tells Matt he’s her person. Then they retire to what my husband calls “the bang bang room.” She tells him she loves him, but he doesn’t say anything back. Instead he just kisses her.

AWKWARD.

Meanwhile somewhere else in the hotel Rachael is freaking out because Matt is with another woman. “My worst nightmare is him spending the night with someone else,” she says.

HAVE NONE OF YOU WATCHED THIS SHOW?

The next morning Rachael asks Michelle, “What did you guys do?”

Michelle tells her and Bri about the butter situation and describes it as “memorable.”

Rachael starts crying. I’m not sure if it’s butter related.

The next date goes to Bri who meets Matt in the woods. They go hiking, and both admit they haven’t been camping before.

There are a lot of “pitching a tent” jokes.

Bri and Matt pitch a tent

Then they go back to the hotel for the dinner they aren’t allowed to eat. She asks him if he’s really ready to be engaged in such a short time. He said talking to his dad helped him address his issues around commitment. Later they retire to the Fantasy Suite.

The next morning they make breakfast and there’s a shot of butter melting in a pan. IS BUTTER SPONSORING THIS SHOW?

Rachael breaks down crying because another woman spent the night with Matt. Then it’s time for her date. They’re going to make ceramics.

Rachael is still super upset and it’s all very tense and awkward.

Rachael and Matt make ceramics

Rachael tells him the week was excruciating for her and that she’s completely in love with him. Again, he just kisses her and doesn’t say it back. They go back to making pottery. Do they try and reenact Ghost? Yes. Is the pottery instructor totally exhausted with people doing this? Also yes.

During dinner Matt brings up the conversation with his dad again. I’m thinking Matt is still processing. Rachael tells him she’s 100% ready to start a life with him. They retire to the bedroom.

We go to commercial and cut to The Dreaded Rose Ceremony.

After a lot of dramatic music, Bri is sent home.

Are you still watching?

Comments are Closed

  1. Kit says:

    Is the same PA who thought of the squirrel costumes? If so, they’ve been planning this for a while.

    The pandemic has got rid of the contestants who are only there for the travel and minibar. Shame, those were the ones who saw the show for what it was.

  2. Empress of Blandings says:

    I hate that butter photo and I keep looking at it even though I don’t want to because I cannot work out what part of a person that is or if it’s even a person at all or maybe some chthonic deity of dairy goods who will rise from the butter dish and drag me down to my cholesterol-smeared fate.

    Would be much obliged if someone could exorcise this from my brain for me please? thx.

  3. SusanH says:

    I’m trying and failing to imagine how my PA Dutch grandparents would have responded to calling that nonsense a PA Dutch spa.

  4. kat_blue says:

    …Look, I like butter just fine, but this is starting to look like the Rose God is finally ready to consume the contestants and take physical form in this realm

    If the next step is “roll around in this traditional Amish marinade and step into the frying pan–I mean Dutch hot tub” they may want to risk being kicked off the show

    Also, personally, someone referring to their SO whom they’ve known a long time and care deeply for as “my person” is cute, charming, lovely, and meaningful…someone referring to the person they’re trying to convince to eventually date them for real as “my person” is on the line between “possessive and creepy” and “you’re just saying that because you’ve heard other people say that and you couldn’t think of your own cutesy term of affection”

  5. Carol S. says:

    Maybe they’ll have a butter sculpture of Chris Harrison at the end. (The butter sculptures are a very popular attraction at the PA Farm Show!)

    Also Pudding is SO sweet.

  6. Escapeologist says:

    Hi Pudding! She is looking better and better every week. That yarn matches her eye color. Is it a tiny kitty scarf?

  7. Kate says:

    Chad and Pudding and butter 4evah.

  8. Louise says:

    But seriously: I keep thinking about how Bachelor(ette) would work in a culture–most of Asia, say–where traditional arranged marriages are giving way to arranged meetings: You can marry anyone you like, as long as it’s one of these pre-screened three.

    On the one hand you would then have viewers responding to the entire show with “And your point is . . .?” On the other hand, you’d have candidates who know what questions to ask and what subjects to raise.

  9. Laurie says:

    Puddin’!!! The yarn does make her eyes pop!

  10. Joy says:

    Am I the only one getting squirmy feelings about greasy mashed butter and sour milk caught in special places and OATMEAL urghhh! Who has to clean out the tub after these “special evenings”? I hope they tipped the maid REALLY well cause that sounds like a yucky job!

  11. Jane says:

    I think that yarn ball is nervous about how close Pudding is, wondering if she has a history with tossing yarn balls about and maybe trying to hide down further in the bag.

  12. Akat says:

    I am mad that I grew up in PA Dutch Country and never got to go to a “traditional spa.” How traditional could it be, hmm. Also I’m mad that I grew up there at all.

  13. chacha1 says:

    The whole spa thing is icky. The whole televised-therapy thing is icky. Without seeing even a minute of this I am prepared to swear that Matt is not ready to commit to anything except a couple of weeks holed up in his apartment staring into space.

    Pudding, however, is lovely; and I would read a book about Chad’s horror season as a PA on a TV dating show.

  14. Todd says:

    Pudding is, indeed, lovely. Wouldn’t it be nice to see a behind-the-scenes show of Chad making things more interesting for the Bachelor/Bachelorette? (fyi, the Hershey spa has a chocolate mud bath … which sounds as unhygienic but better smelling than this)

  15. Gloriamarie Amalfitano says:

    This show gets worse and worse and I don’t know how you can bear to watch it. I’ve no idea what Whiteclaw is but lime would be my own choice.

    The gifs make it bearable. Still praying for your liver.

  16. Kira says:

    @Louise there is a very popular Chinese dating show called ‘If You Are the One’. If you live in Australia you can watch it on SBS.
    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/If_You_Are_the_One_(game_show)

  17. CakeandMonsters says:

    Sounds like he sent home the only one who didn’t cringingly say that she loved him.

  18. Rose says:

    I don’t watch this show because I’m afraid it will spoil your synopsis of the show for me! Thank you for the laughs

  19. Gail says:

    The guy who’s replacing Chris at the end of the pre-recorded shows was on TV the other nite. He’s funny. If Bri had to spend her “bang, bang” time in that tent she got rooked, lol. Love you Elyse!

  20. Randall M says:

    @Gloriamarie Amalfitano — I had to Google Whiteclaw myself. It says it’s a “hard seltzer”. And I’m thinking black cherry, though it seems there’s also a watermelon flavour . . .

Comments are closed.

By posting a comment, you consent to have your personally identifiable information collected and used in accordance with our privacy policy.

↑ Back to Top