Elyse Watches The Bachelor–S28 E4: The Sausage Wheel

We open with a shot of Sydney and Maria sitting on the deck of a boat while dramatic, ominous music plays in the background.

If you didn’t know they’d be set up as rivals, it would be a fair assumption to make here that Joey got eaten by a shark.

He did not.

We are not that lucky.

We’re on to the international travel portion of the show, with the gang going to Malta, where Joey hopes “to bring someone to the alta'”

The first one-on-one date is with Lexi. They do some shopping and sample local foods, and they do the thing where they pick some local to tell them how in love they look.

During the dinner they aren’t allowed to eat, Lexi tells Joey that she has stage 5 endometriosis and it could impact her ability to have children. The endometriosis was on her lungs.

Holy. Shit. First of all, endometriosis is awful, and I can’t imagine the pain Lexi was in. Secondly, infertility is nothing to joke about. What gets me, though, is how there is this expectation that the women have to be able to perform these very traditional ideas of womanhood, so the idea of Lexi’s  infertility is highlighted in a weird and gross way. It’s like the show is saying she’s unable to perform her expected gender correctly rather than look at it from the perspective of someone who has a life altering and painful disease.

I also wanted to hear more about Lexi’s journey to get a diagnosis since I know, personally, what a pain that is. I had bladder/ urinary irritation and pain for years and was completely dismissed and gaslit by the medical community (I was told it was anxiety by like four doctors), only to find out years later during another surgery that my bladder, kidneys and ureters were covered in endometriosis.

Joey tells her that it doesn’t impact his desire to have a relationship with her. He gives her the date rose.

UGH. Lexi deserves so much better than him. Fuck this guy. I hope the night ends with her, a bottle of wine, a nice hot bath, and a really great book.

The next day is the group date, and they meet at Fort Manoel where the women will dress as knights and battle for Joey. Please note that Joey is rocking the romance novel cover look of wearing a cowl but zero shirt to protect his internal organs.

So one of the competitions involves a bunch of sausages hanging from a large wheel by string, and they spin the wheel while everyone stands 10 feet away and has to try and grab a sausage with their mouth.

And I’m guessing it’s been in the sun awhile because people complain about the smell.

They remind us that the winner of the challenges gets extra time with Joey, but my husband points out Joey is participating so…does he get extra time with himself?

Is this a masturbation joke?

This thing moves fast too, and I’m having this nightmare mental image of a woman getting a string caught in her teeth and needing emergency dental work.

Autumn gets right in there though and wins…which means she and Joey shuffle off to the side and make out after just having chomped down on some rancid sausages.

What a…prize.

Later is the cocktail part of the date and the women all comment on the stray kitties wandering around like they own the place (because they do) and I’m about 10,000% more invested in those cats than I am anyone on this show.

Lady P is sadly no longer with us, but rather than talk about the cocktail part of the date do you want to see my cats?

This is Dewey, my firstborn and our tiny dictator. Dewey is discerning and very, very smart, and will turn off my husband’s CPAP machine if he tries to sleep through breakfast time.

This is Fish. Fish is an idiot. If Fish had one nickel for every thought he’s had, he’d have eaten a nickel. He routinely gets stuck in places because his tiny little brain can’t understand “back out” versus “turn around.” Sometimes Fish gets lost in the house he’s lived in for six years and we have to rescue him.

On the bright side he’s the happiest cat when we travel because after 24 hours he assumes the cat sitter has always been there and forgets that we exist. We have reason to believe Fish does not have object permanence.

This is Chips. At fifteen pounds, Chips is actually the largest, most  muscular cat we own but  it doesn’t matter because in his mind he’s still this little. Chips is baby. That’s why I have fifteen pounds of cat sleeping on my face at night. Chips was our bottle baby and Covid baby and is forever baby and also very smol.

This is Princess Muzzerina Louise April Scrembalina Dainty Toes aka Muzzy. She does not know where your cocaine went. She has thoughts and opinions on everything and lets you know all of them. She’s six whole pounds fully grown and her brothers live in fear of her.

In case you care, the group date rose goes to Kelsey T.

Then we get what everyone knew was coming as of last week–a two-on-one date with Maria and Sydney. At this point I can’t even really tell you what the drama is about except Sydney thinks Maria is a bully, a fact everyone denies and there’s been no on camera evidence of.

Also Sydney looks like Hailey Bieber.

Sydney says Maria isn’t “suitable” to be Joey’s wife which is hilarious because a potted cactus is suitable to his wife. A plastic bag filled with other, smaller plastic bags is suitable to be his wife.

They take a boat to the Blue Grotto, which is very pretty. Maria tries to be upbeat and friendly and Sydney scowls miserably. They keep Chekov’s Date Rose visible at all times.

Sydney says the stress from being around Maria is causing lethargy, breakouts and stomach issues which…you know…could also be the side effects of jet lag but hey.

When they are alone, Sydney tells him that Maria attacked her after the pool party last week and when Lea tried to intervene Maria told her to “shut the fuck up.”

Literally none of that happened. None of it.

At one point Maria asks Sydney, “You know we’re on camera, right?”

During dinner Joey appears sloshed. It’s also possible he’s sunburned and tired, I guess, but I’m going drunk. He’s definitely walking a little funny.

He says he’s confused, which makes sense because he looks like he had grain alcohol for lunch. He also struggles to say the word “clarity.”

Go take a nap dude.

He asks Sydney if they have a “legimanant” connection.

I wish I was that drunk right now. But I have to type.

Joey takes a minute to consider who will get the rose, but honestly, you can tell he’s trying so hard not to barf. This is hilarious.

The rose goes to Maria.

Joey walks Sydney out. “I hope you’re conscious of your decision,” she says.

Oh, he absolutely is not, I promise you.

He gives Maria the rose.

Then, because this isn’t bizarre enough, a woman appears on a balcony above them and sings Ave Maria.

WHAT THE FUCK IS EVEN HAPPENING.

After that extremely weird interlude, it’s time for pre-Dreaded Rose Ceremony cocktail party. Lea is upset that Sydney went home, although I’m not sure why. She’s also upset that no one else is upset.

Lea asks to talk to Madina and says she’s changing the narrative. Madina says that just because she was friends with Sydney, she doesn’t have to be mean to Maria. Lea says they have different morals and values. Lea also uses the word “protectivize.”

Maria says she feels like she can’t win, and I kind of agree.

Meanwhile Lea tells Joey that she’s shocked that he sent Sydney home.

We end on a cliffhanger where Maria says she’s going home.

That’s it. Are you watching?