It’s the Fantasy Suites episode of The Bachelorette and you know what that means?
Pudding: What does that mean?
Only one more episode and we’re DONE.
Pudding: Thank goodness. My constitution can’t take much more.
Everyone is in Fiji.
I feel like I’d have an easier time falling in love with a mediocre dude if I was in Fiji, too.
ANYWAY.
The first overnight date goes to Xavier.
He and Charity meet on a private island. They change into traditional Fijian outfits and learn a dance performed before a wedding. Then they participate in a Kava ceremony.
Xavier tells her he thinks of her a delicate flower he doesn’t want to crush, and much like Pudding and I, Charity is confused by that.
He also says that marriage is like a business which… ok?
Then, because we need more pointless drama, Aaron B is flying to Fiji looking for a second chance with Charity.
During dinner, amid a lot of word salad, Xavier tells her that his heart is with her but his head isn’t on board yet.
Charity says if they have a good foundation, the other stuff will be easy.
Then, amid dramatic music, he tells her that he cheated on his ex.
Pudding: Nice of you to wait until now to share that.
Charity’s ex cheated on her off and on for six years, and that’s a big issue for her. She’s pissed that he waited for the episode before the proposal to tell her this.
She asks for specifics and he says it was multiple times over a span of five days. Then there’s more word salad about how he wanted his partner to be someone else.
Charity says her ex told her the same BS.
“What work did you do on your end to be a better person or to learn from that?” she asks him.
His answer is that he learned to be more introspective. Then he talks about how he not only hurt his partner, but also himself.
Sure.
Pudding: Bury him in the sand. Like a turd.
Amongst the verbal diarrhea are the words, “If I’m put in that position again,” and Charity stops him right the fuck there to ask what he means.
He says, “the position of on vacation, with my boys, and that shit is around me.”
So basically he want on a trip and cheated because he could.
Then he says he’s never been in a position where he’s only chosen one woman and “that freedom is gone.”
Pudding: Head first in the sand.
Rich, who has been reading and mostly ignoring this, says he thinks Xavier is preconditioning her so that if he cheats on her she knew what she was getting into or some shit like that.
Charity does not invite him to the Fantasy Suite.
Good for you. Order some room service, take a nice bath, watch some HGTV. Take care of you.
He says he needs to see more of her in order to get over his doubt.
WHAT THE FUCK YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE.
“That makes no sense to me,” says Charity. “Us in a bedroom will not determine if you see longevity in a relationship.”
Pudding: END HIM.
Charity basically tells him he’s done, and the doofus is shocked. Then she walks him out.
The next day Charity says, “I’m not here to fix anybody. I’m not here to build a man. This is not build a man workshop.”
She reflects that she’s been worried that Joey is pretending to be the person she wants.
She and Joey are supposed to go off-roading for their date, but the ATV breaks down so they go for a hike instead.
Joey tells her that he could tell she was upset after his hometown date, and asks her what happened. She tells him Uncle Joe told her he felt like Joey was being fake, and in the past his people pleasing derailed relationships.
I think he says that he was just nervous, but it’s hard to tell because they film him in front of a waterfall.
During dinner, Joey tells her he’s in love with her. Charity says she’s in love with him too. They spend the night together in the Fantasy Suite.
The following day is Dotun’s date. They go jet skiing to a small sandbar and picnic.
Dotun reveals he didn’t watch the show, and didn’t realize the couple got engaged at the end of the show, but he’s fine with being engaged to Charity.
During dinner they tell each other they love each and then go to the Fantasy Suite.
Honestly, there’s not much to recap here because Dotun is super unproblematic. It’s so nice for there not to be BS drama. They’re just happy around each other.
The next day we cut to Aaron arriving at the resort from the airport. He asks for Charity at the front desk, and hilariously, the attendant is like “We don’t disclose guest information.”
She’s not here for the drama either.
Pudding: Go home, sir.
So then Charity is hanging out by the pool, and Aaron walks up.
Aaron gets teary when he talks about how she sent him home. He said he was struck because she said she wasn’t sure she was making the right decision. He basically asks her if she regrets sending him home.
Charity admits she was falling in love with him, then asks to step away for a minute.
We end with Charity contemplating what to do. Do you think she should bring Aaron back?
Ed note: As part of our new collection, we have a limited-edition sticker of Pudding which supports The Pawffee Shop cat rescue cafe:
[ec_product productid=”4″ style=”2″]
You can find this sticker and the others in our store!
I snort laughed at “This is not build a man workshop”. Even if this whole bachelorette thing doesn’t work out for her I hope she has a beautiful and bright future.
Yay Pudding! You DESERVE your own sticker.
Dotun reveals he didn’t watch the show, and didn’t realize the couple got engaged at the end of the show…
Honestly, if that applies to more than just this one guy, that explains a lot about how people act on this show.
Raise your hand if, upon seeing the recap title, your mind jumped directly to
In just seven days
I can make you a man!
“Bury him in the sand. Like a turd.” YES
Is Charity contractually obligated to pretend to accept somebody’s shit proposal? If so, it would be nice if she chose Dotun just for the low drama point.
As to Aaron: GTFO. A sore loser is never a good bet.
This not watching the show before you go on it puzzles me. How did he even get the idea to be on the Bachelorette if he’s never watched it? How do they recruit contestants for this show? Do agents for aspiring model / actors just sign them up for random reality TV shows?
It’s like watching celebrity versions of Chopped or other competition shows where you can tell some of the poor celebs have no idea what they’re getting into and others are huge supper fans.
@cleo – yeah, that should be super fans. But there are obviously fans of supper on Chopped as well. 😉
Is it just me, or does anyone else hope her minute involves going to get security. I get the producers wanting the drama, but showing up uninvited feels like they are glamorizing stalking.
As always, Pudding ftw.
I’m always impressed with the level of disdain Lady Pudding manages to express.
Look at Pudding’s sweet face. I want to give her kisses, pets, and treats.
Dotun sounds like the healthiest relationship of the guys, if she’s just happy around him with no drama. Relationships shouldn’t be constant work and drama.
I must say this woman seems to show some wit to reject “buildaman”. I don’t understand why such a savvy woman would claim that she’s in love with one man after another when she’s known them a matter of weeks. This is so obviously insta-love nonsense that I don’t understand why viewers would fall for this. I think NO ONE believes any of this but is just enjoying the pretty people and nice location.
(By the way I blame our obsession with thinness for the lack of eating in this show. Don’t they know how sexy eating can be, didn’t they ever see the famous eating scene in the movie “Tom Jones”?
@cleo: This not watching the show before you go on it puzzles me.
Put it like that, and I have to remember how on Every Damn Season of Survivor, every single contestant is stunned, flummoxed and flabbergasted when the teams merge … a thing that happens every season, without fail, as an inherent feature of the show’s structure. Do they, as you suggest, cast only people who have never seen the show–or is everyone coached to act as if they’ve never seen it?
But I digress. Thank heaven I don’t have to watch the show … and thank all the heavens for Pudding.
Maybe these shows select cast members as though they were picking jurors for a trial??
I think the food/sex connection is a kink/fetish. So many people have it that it’s not popularly regarded as such, but if you abstract away from the frequency, it ticks all the boxes.
Personally I find it very off-putting, and I know other people who feel similarly (one of them a chef!).
@HeatherS I had the same thought while I was editing: Dotun as portrayed so far would be a lovely choice for a relationship! They get along! There is no drama! He took her knitting as a date! But reality tv thrives on silly or overblown edited/manipulated drama so the low-key choice is not great television. It’s peaceful and comforting and lovely to be in, but it’s boring for the producers’ goals. It’s weird for me to see the difference so starkly portrayed.
Ahhh, Lady Pudding, you are my idol. “Bury him…. like a turd”. How many times I have had that very thought ! The Lady Pudding sticker holds pride of place on my laptop.