After a bit of a rest, it’s time for season 27 of The Bachelor.
Pudding, my 17-year-old (yes 17) Siamese cat has been enjoying a life of leisure, napping in her heated bed and eating Churus (on a plate, she will not lick it out of the package because she’s not a peasant).
This was her expression when I told her what was on the docket for tonight.
That is a face that says MURDER.
Forty-five seconds in and we get our first reference to a “journey.”
This season’s Bachelor is someone named Zach Shallcross from last season’s Bachelorette. I’ve already forgotten everything about that.
Zach says he can’t believe he’s the Bachelor and says, “Why me?”
Pudding: You fit the incredibly generic white man criteria?
So then it’s time for The Parade of Limos. At one point the host, Jesse, smells Zach’s breath and says, “I like that.”
We meet Christina Mandrell whose aunt is Barbara Mandrell from Barbara Mandrell & the Mandrell Sisters.
Brooklyn from Stillwater, OK is a rodeo racer.
Gabi from Vermont makes him drink straight maple syrup.
Now that Zach’s blood sugar is all fucked up, he gives his first kiss to Bailey. He met her on After the Final Rose for last season’s Bachelorette and immediately forgot her name on live TV.
Also there are a lot of nurses on this season. Also a lot of shrieking. I would be so over-stimulated if I was there. I would be crying in the corner.
Vanessa from Baton Rogue is introduced by a jazz trumpet. I was hoping the trumpet player was a contestant and would just blow his horn directly in Zach’s face whenever he talked, but alas, no.
Pudding: You said blow his horn, ha. I mean… Um. I am a lady.
Someone licks Zach’s face. I blacked it out, mostly.
Mercedes grew up on a farm and brings her pet pig, Henry.
We all want Henry to be the next Bachelor. He’s got more personality than Zach.
Once all the women are assembled Zach introduces himself to the group as a “just a guy who loves frozen pizzas and football.”
Then we get the most horrifying moment in the show. Zach and Cat compete to see who can fit the most meatballs in their mouths and it’s just… Cat goes for it (more power to her) but she can’t close her mouth and meatball is just oozing out and it’s up in her long fake nails and…and….
Later Greer kisses Zach (probably maple syrup/ meatball flavored Zach) and one of the other women says, “I’m so mad I’m going to rip the curtains off the hinges.”
Hinges.
Madison, who by the way is extremely drunk, kisses Zach and tells the camera the kiss was subpar.
Pudding: This show is subpar.
Then she starts drunkenly crying. She says she wants to be wanted.
By a bad kisser?
I think this is tequila, no food (they actually aren’t supposed to eat the meatballs), and jet lag.
The first impression rose goes to Greer.
Cut to Madison who is now sobbing because she wanted the first impression rose. Girl, you said he was a bad kisser!
Someone get this lady her PJs and a bottle of water, yikes.
Then it’s time for The Dreaded Rose Ceremony. Madison, still crying, says she doesn’t want to sit through the rose ceremony (yeah me neither). She interrupts Zach talking to Jesse. She drunkenly says “disrupt” not “interrupt.”
Pudding: No, no, it’s a disruption.
She says she thinks he doesn’t want her “on this journey,” (take a shot) and Zach says, “Yeah.”
Ouch.
He makes noises about his heart not feeling it and not wanting to lead her on, and she goes home. We get a painfully long shot of her walking down the driveway, sobbing.
“I cannot believe I gave up my life for him,” she weeps.
YOUR LIFE?
GIRL YOU HAVE BEEN THERE LESS THAN 24 HOURS.
I HAVE SPENT MORE TIME THAN THIS STUCK IN A FUCKING AIRPORT.
Find a Chili’s Too and get a burger to soak up that alcohol, yeesh.
Zach sends Cara, Holland, Lekha, two different Olivias, Viktoria, Vanessa, Sonia, and Becca home.
Are you reading the recaps? Watching the show?
Welcome back, Elyse and Pudding! I wouldn’t have blamed you for foregoing this season. I saw the picture of Zach and thought, “could these dudes be any blander?” and then Pudding hit the same mark. I am honored to think like her.
Misha, my Siamese who looked a lot like Pudding, passed away in December. Miss her terribly, especially as she used to run to greet me when I got home from work:-( We now have two new feline friends, one of whom has off-the-charts kitten energy, so January has not been as dull as usual.
Zach reminds of a stock photo image. Bland but will fill that blank space on that dating website.
Aaaaaa so happy to see Lady Pudding gracing our screens again!
My elderly feline princess also insists that Churus be served on a plate. Solidarity.
The generic white man Bachelor reminded me of this meme from a few years ago, still accurate. Why are they all square headed?
https://www.reddit.com/r/tumblr/comments/golg70/the_next_bachelor/
I am here for Pudding’s comments.
I have never watched the Bachelor, but I would NEVER miss one of your recaps. They are fabulous!
I have gotten my spouse hooked on Too Hot to Handle instead which is infinitely more wholesome than this hot mess.
I love the recaps and cannot watch the show because it would make me want to rage-quit humanity. Thank you for your service, and thank Pudding too.
Welcome back! I always look forward to your recaps!
How the heck many women are on this show if he can send that many home in the first episode and still have a season’s worth left? And who in this day and age names their daughter Greer?
Calling it now, Christina Mandrell wins this one because she’s the most high-profile and connected and can hook Zach up with whatever career he wants to make out of this.
Pudding is the best! Thanks for suffering so the rest of us can laugh.
I cannot believe that this mess has been on for 27 years!! Elyse, this is one of your funniest reviews yet, I laughed out loud at least 4 times.
Dude looks like he’s been carved out of cream cheese.
Thank you for your service Elyse and Pudding. I’m so happy to have you back! Lunch hour LOLing and having coworkers say “It’s that Bachelor recap lady again, right?”
So glad Pudding’s back! My Gramma and Great Aunty Kate *loved* Barbara Mandrell & the Mandrell Sisters.
Once again, I am here for Lady Pudding, who tells it like it is.
Happy to see Pudding again and very, very happy *not* to be watching as yet another boring white guy tries to create a TV career out of nothing.
Like so many others I am here for the Pudding. The recaps are just filler.
I don’t watch but love the recaps. Am I crazy or does the Bachelor look like mouse/rat? Pudding? Could you chime in? Expert opinion please!
I know it’s been rough for nurses lately, but how could going on The Bachelor sound like a pleasant alternative to *anything*?
Ooooh boy, it’s That Time of Year again! Always a pleasure to see the inimitable Lady Pudding! Congrats on 17!
Not even going to lie, when you showed the picture of the new bachelor my mind didn’t connect the dots and thought he was like…a placeholder in the article or something. I try not to make rude comments on people’s appearances but that man looks like nothing.
“Gave up her whole life for him” and so the Rose God claims another sacrifice. Hail, O McMansion God!
I like coming up with predictions but this is giving me blank. Ummm…Skydiving? A “castle,” but actually a modern building built to LOOK like an castle? Celebrity encounter with an ex-professional wrestler? Romantic date involving alligator wrestling? Tragic backstory of contestant involves life advice in the form of bland platitudes…from her wrestling coach?
…My prediction is we’ll all forget about this season and wake up when it’s over slightly hungover and grouchy but not sick enough to call out of work.
I love your recaps! It’s always fun to see what you think! I definitely agree that Henry the Pig would be a great bachelor! The show isn’t as good this year as previous seasons. I usually find a few women I think would be nice for the bachelor, but this time, I don’t see anyone for him. I prefer The Bachelorette–thirty men! Yes!
I watch every week, but I’m always looking for your excellent recaps! My best to Empress Pudding.
I watch every week,but i am always lookijg for your excellent! My best to empress pudding.
I literally check the SBTB RSS feed multiple times a week since the last season to see if there’s a new season out with Elyse… and now I was rewarded, huzzah!! May all of our journeys be for the right reasons (snort).
I’ve never watched the show, but I read the recaps religiously. I can’t worship at the Altar of Pudding – mostly because I have my own two cat goddesses to keep happy.