It’s time for The Bachelorette!
Will the producers pit the women against each other?
Is Logan still holding the chicks?
Let’s find out!
Also back by popular demand is Lady Pudding.
I apologize for omitting her from the last recap. She’s doing great and gave me this look when I told her what we are watching.
We open by learning 29 of the dudes have moved in the McMansion (because they canceled the Dreaded Rose Ceremony) and there aren’t enough beds for everyone. Guys are camped out on the floor and couches. I personally don’t want to know how dirty that carpet is.
We start out with a swimsuit competition. It’s a lot of budgie smugglers. The guys who do the best will get invited to an “exclusive” afterparty.
Not only do the guys have to show off their bodies, they also have to perform a talent. Logan does the worm.
Pudding: Where are those baby chickens? I’m asking…for a friend.
We of course we have one of the guys wearing the neon yellow Borat swimsuit.
When it’s Jacob (aka Dollar Store Fabio’s turn) to show off his talent he puts on glasses, sits down and says, “Alright ladies, this talent is very important. I’m going to help you save $60,000 on a 30 year fixed mortgage.”
The guy who brought the meatball sub pours marinara sauce all over his body.
Aven, Logan, Brandan, Jason, Johnny and Colin win time at the afterparty. Immediately it appears most of the guys are interested in Gabby, and Rachel struggles to “find my footing.”
Eventually Logan kisses Rachel.
Pudding: Back to the baby chickens…
But then Logan kisses Gabby too.
Rachel gives her date rose to Logan. Gabby gives hers to Johnny, acknowledging to the camera that Rachel feels more strongly about Logan.
Pudding: Do the chicks come with a dipping sauce? Ranch? Honey mustard?
Jordan V gets the first one-on-one with Rachel. She picks him up in a vintage car (he’s a race car driver). They are going on a zero g flight (where the plane drops and you’re effectively weightless). I would vomit immediately.
Back at the McMansion Chris says he’s not cool with whoever he’s into (he’s not decided yet) sleeping with multiple guys in the Fantasy Suites. Nobody fucking asked you, Chris.
Also how do these guys get on the show without understanding the premise of the show?
The other guys don’t understand why he’s even thinking about Fantasy Suites on episode two. Logan calls him intense and controlling.
“You cannot have preconditions to love. It’s a form of control a lot of men do that damages good women,” says Nate.
DAMN.
Back on their date, Rachel feels like something is missing between her and Jordan V. She cries and sends him home.
Pudding: Does she get to eat that steak he hasn’t touched? I mean, that’s worth sending someone home for.
Nate, who understands toxic masculinity, gets the first one-on-one date with Gabby. He’s struggling a bit with missing his daughter.
He comes to hang out at Rachel and Gabby’s condo, and Rachel immediately notices a spark between them. Nate and Gabby go outside on the scenic overlook and kiss, then a helicopter lands outside the McMansion.
I would vomit immediately again. I require enough Xanax to tranquilize a horse in order to even get on a plane.
True story, because I am such a bad flier I sometimes throw up purely from anxiety. That means I always book an aisle seat so I can rush to the bathroom after they turn off the seatbelt sign. One time work booked me a middle seat. I asked my neighbor to switch and he said no.
I was explaining to him how I have miserable flying anxiety and often throw up and I just wanted a quick route to the bathroom when the flight attendant walked by. She dead-eyed him and said, “Switch seats with her. Now.”
That woman has my eternal gratitude.
Anyway, they land in what appears to be a random parking lot and guess what’s waiting for them? Yup. A hot tub.
Shoutout to the PA who has to find a way to schlep a hot tub to whatever random location they pick. “So we’ve found this extremely precarious alpine cliff. The only creatures who’ve been there in hundreds of years are goats. Good luck, Steve.”
During dinner, Nate tells Gabby he has a six-year-old daughter and that he’s totally a “girl dad.” He gets date rose.
Then it’s time for The Dreaded Rose Ceremony.
Pudding: The Rose God must be fed.
Tyler owns a seasonal business on a NJ boardwalk and sets up (or rather some intern does) a basketball game with stuffed animal prizes.
Also, I want that stuffed t-rex.
Quincey decides to tell Rachel about what Chris said. Rachel says she wants to talk to Gabby because she hasn’t even had a conversation with Chris and he’s already thinking of her as a sexual object.
YES.
“The fact that Chris is already discussing ultimatums and trying to take control of our journey is extremely upsetting and not how I wanted this night to go,” she says.
“Chris is talking about fantasy suites already,” Rachel says.
“Ew,” says Gabby.
Both women say he seems controlling.
They confront Chris. He doubles down on being gross and toxic.
Gabby says, “Big picture, this is four days in. And your very calculated thoughts about Fantasy Suites are…pretty inappropriate at this time.”
Pudding: END HIM.
She says that he doesn’t respect their ability to make choices for themselves. Rachel tells him he’s being condescending (he’s doing both).
They tell him they are sending him home.
YAS.
So then Chris comes back and wants to talk to Jordan, Quincey, Nate and Aven. Dude, you were dismissed. GO HOME.
He asked if they talked to Rachel. They admit that yes, they told Rachel that he’s gross AF. Rachel and Gabby return and say, “We did ask you to leave.” They are not having his shit AT ALL.
“I don’t know if it’s because Gabby and I are women, but it’s our decision and we asked you to leave,” Rachel says.
So then Dale or whatever-the-fuck-his-name-is says its time for the elimination ceremony.
He says that the roses being handed out are coming from both Bachelorettes.
John, Justin, Colin, Brandan, Matt and Ryan go home. And that’s it. Are you watching?
I think I like them having two Bachelorettes, going off this recap. It’s like they’re less likely to fall for some sleazy jerk (thinking back to Luke and how Hannah kept him almost until the end) when they have another woman there to run situations by.
Also, it seems like Nate has a clue. Let’s hope that holds.
Also, long live Lady Pudding!
Lady Pudding’s END HIM is everything.
This format might actually work out. Two women who have each other’s back, we love to see it.
Pudding’s face in the first picture is iconic; she completely understands the Catchelor series better than the contestants do. I misspelled that but I think it’s fitting so I’m leaving it.
Alright Jacob, property law doesn’t scream ‘ROMANCE’ to me personally but I appreciate someone who knows their way around a budget. The modern ‘I will hunt many moose to show her I can provide’ I guess.
Okay Nate, we appreciate it, now–let’s see if you can walk the walk.
Wonder what upset Gabby on the vintage car ride…if it sent a guy home, I hope he wasn’t worse than Chris while she was stuck in a car with him…
Speaking of, we love to see garbage taken to the street. Love to see men hold men accountable for their toxic masculinity, love to see women assert that their statements are final and do not need a consensus from the men in the room.
As of right now I like the two-Bachelorette system (almost ‘Cat-chelor’ed again!) because it seems like they have each other’s backs and at the very least they’ve got someone on their team when everyone else is competing for attention. I do sort of worry about the ‘Gabby is more popular & Rachel feels left out’ angle, not because that isn’t a thing in real life but because…well, I mean, this isn’t reality, it’s reality tv. Someone on the production team is Evil Grand Vizier-ing at every moment of every day.
Every time the host gets called ‘Dale’ I remember an old manager by that name; dealing with problems at the chemical plant at 6 AM is also not something that screams ‘ROMANCE’ to me lol
That stuffed t-rex is from Ikea. I bought it for my nieces. LOL
Watching this season after years of just reading spoilers and I am liking the dual bachelorettes so far. Gabby’s immediate ew when Rachel told her what Chris said was excellent. I know we will still get producer shenanigans and next week looks like it’ll be rough for both of them, but I’ve got to imagine it’s less isolating to have a co-lead to navigate things with you.
Hi Pudding! I wonder – is the Rose God what happened to the chicks? That seems really unfair.
I just want to know if they get to keep the bathrobes!
I may have lowkey checked the site eight or so times waiting for your recap. I adore pudding but it’s the snark for me. My now-husband and I used to watch bachelorette seasons and have a blast with our nonstop commentary on the absurdity. Now we have kids one of whom is two years old and utterly fearless. No time for tv now unless you count doc mcstuffins. Point is: we read the recaps together and laugh about them. Thank you.
I went up in a friend’s small plane recently and we pulled some g’s. (For research!). It was interesting, but I was anywhere from mildly to moderately queasy the whole trip, so it’s hard to imagine feeling romantic about anyone under those conditions.
“Did you feel a spark?”
“No, I felt like throwing up.”
This actually sounds… interesting? The women have each other’s backs, the dudes seem less… awful. And like, Jacob should totally get a rose because we don’t teach fiscal responsibility and it’s something every adult desperately needs.