Elyse Watches The Bachelor–S26 E3: There Are No Rules

Elyse Watches The Bachelor with Kraken Rum and CokeThere was no Bachelor last week due to sportsball, but the weirdness is back tonight and Pudding and I are ready.

Well, I am anyway.

Pudding is currently having an intense meeting with her stuffed animals, possibly warning them that they better be here for the right reasons.

Pudding, an elderly siamese, on her crinkle mat with a collection of small toys which she is staring at INTENSELY

Last week Cassidy revealed she had someone she was hooking up with before she went on the show and that she went on the show to make him jealous, all of which Sierra relayed to Clayton.

Clayton asks Jesse if it’s possible to rescind Cassidy’s rose. THERE ARE NO RULES HERE CLAYTON.

Then Jesse says, “There are no rules.” I TOLD YOU SO.

Clayton asks to talk to Cassidy. She denies seeing someone prior to the show and she says, “Clayton, I have not spoken to any guy that I have any interest in a relationship with for a very long time.”

Girl, you were on camera admitting that you were seeing someone. Do these people not realize they’re being recorded?

Come on, people

Will Farrell looks appalled and then down at his lap and says what is this, amateur hour?

Then when he confronts her again, she’s like, well, yeah I had this guy I was friends with but he doesn’t want a relationship and he’s cool with me being on the show, and Clayton stands up and storms out.

Cassidy starts to cry and says, “I can’t believe this is happening. I didn’t do anything!”

So then they sit down again and Cassidy apologizes if the situation “confuses” him and says they have a genuine connection and then, in the worst most awkward moment, leans over and kisses him while he’s trying to talk and is not receptive to it.

Clayton talking to Cassidy with a baffled expression his face

Clayton says he has “too many concerns.”

Cassidy asks if she’s sending her home, then melts down in tears. “I haven’t even packed my stuff. I didn’t think I was going home tonight,” she complains.

Clayton walks her out and says, “This is not at all what I expected to do tonight and it hurts.”

In the limo of tears Cassidy sobs, “Why does this keep happening?”

How many reality dating shows have you been eliminated from?

Then it’s FINALLY time for the Dreaded Rose Ceremony. Ency, Kate and Tessa go home.

Then it’s time for the first group date.  The women follow Clayton into a dark auditorium where Kaitlin Bristowe is waiting. She says that she’s going to help Clayton get to know the women better. She’s going to read a statement out loud and if it resonates with the women they need to stand up.

This sounds like some corporate icebreaker shit, and I’m recoiling already.

The phrases are like “Stand up if there are parts of yourself you aren’t proud of.” Then it’s time for sharing and it’s all incredibly cringey.

I’m just going to shotgun a Whiteclaw during this part.

Click for me really soon

A toddler carries two bottles of beer across the kitchen unsteady on toddler legs

Clayton opens up about having issues with his body image growing up and how he would diet and lose weight. All of the women talk about body image issues as well, some of them severe enough that I would classify them as dysmorphia, which makes me think about them coming on this show for some kind of validation, and how all the women have the same body type, and then I just went on a depressive spiral.

The date rose goes to Eliza.

Then it’s time for a one-on-one date with Sarah. Former Bachelorette Becca Kufrin is there for some reason. They’re doing an extreme scavenger hunt all around downtown LA in their underwear, supposedly to push them out of their comfort zones.

Didn’t we just have a long conversation about negative body image being a struggle for everyone? This show is fucked up.

Back at the McMansion the ladies are lounging by the pool and Elizabeth cooks up some garlic butter shrimp for everyone. Shanae takes half the shrimp and the other women get annoyed. Okay, but Elizabeth made like 15 shrimp for 15 women so maybe plan better? So then Shanae makes more shrimp which seems like a normal and nice thing to do, and no one will eat it.

These people are making me So Tired.

R2D2 falls forward onto the desert floor

During the dinner they aren’t allowed to eat, Sarah talks about being mixed race and adopted by a White family. She says she felt shame about being adopted because she felt unwanted by her birth parents. She gets the date rose and they dance awkwardly in front of a string quartet.

The next day it’s a group date on the beach with Baywatch’s Nicole Eggert. The women have to wear the iconic red swimsuit and Eggert puts them through lifeguard training.

Clayton in red swim trunks standing on the beach again looking baffled maybe that's just his face?

Clayton has quite the farmer’s tan going on.

They have to practice the slow-mo beach run, and then Shanae follows it up by making out with Clayton.

Gabby wins the group date and Shanae is mad about it.

During the cocktail party Shanae tells Clayton that Elizabeth is bullying her. She says, “It’s hard because sometimes I don’t want to be here because it’s like am I going to be yelled at or victimized?” She cries and they make out.

Then she tells the camera that “I’ve got him” and “I was good. Holy shit was I good” and “I didn’t mean to cry, but I cried.”

Clayton brings the bullying allegations up to Elizabeth. She tells him if he talks to anyone else, they’ll confirm she’s not a bully. She starts to cry.

WHY IS EVERYONE CRYING ALL THE TIME.

Then Lindsey W comes back from her conversation with Clayton in tears because Shanae accused her of bullying too.

Me again

Amy Schumer drinks a giant massive glass of wine

Then Shanae and the other women yell over each other for awhile.

why?

Steve Carell says I don't know what we're yelling about!

Clayton gives the date rose to Gabby. Then Clayton says he’ll address the bullying allegations tomorrow during the rose ceremony.

And that’s it. Are you watching?

Comments are Closed

  1. Kate says:

    So I know there are a LOT of red flags here, but exactly what is the correct amount of time for a woman to have not dated prior to being on the show? Is there a purity standard in the contract? What if Cassidy and the other dude had hit it off? This is majorly f’ed up and I haven’t even started on the body issues.

    Pudding and the toys are, however, fucking adorable.

  2. Darlynne says:

    The gif of the baby and bottles may be my favorite of all. You are doing Good Work here, Elyse.

  3. Escapeologist says:

    Pudding and her stuffie friends would make a great spinoff show. Like the Kitten Bowl vs Super Bowl. Give out catnip instead of roses, pounce on the catnip, chaos ensues, I’d watch the heck out of that.

  4. Denise says:

    Can he not view the tapes? Or at least ask? It is like the worst trust exercise ever.

  5. LJO says:

    Here for Pudding. Always.

  6. Todd says:

    If you had Pudding and another cat going for the same catnip toys, at least we’d have a real catfight.

  7. Kelly says:

    Kate, I actually know the answer to that question! The eligibility requirements say:
    “All applicants must be single. To qualify as “single,” the applicant must not currently be involved in a committed intimate relationship, which includes: any marital relationship (whether or not the parties are separated or currently in the process of divorcing or annulling such marriage); any co-habitation relationship involving physical intimacy; or a monogamous dating relationship more than two (2) months in duration.”

    And the Rose God doesn’t play patriarchy here; the rules are the same for both shows. I believe they largely trust your attestation to it, tho employees have confirmed that they do social media sweeps to confirm what people say on applications during the winnowing process (and then obviously can check legal paperwork like marriage and divorce.)

  8. Maureen says:

    So I’m teaching a Kindergarten class right now, and they are handling themselves with more maturity than some of these ladies.

  9. Kate says:

    @Kelly, thanks! What appeared to happen though is that she thought there might have been a chance with another guy but it didn’t spark, so she went on the show as planned. They didn’t ask whether she would have pulled out in the event she did start dating the other guy, just went ahead and attacked her. Because marrying a guy you meet on a tv show has better odds than a dude you know IRL, I guess.

  10. Jill says:

    Cassidy seemed to think that him liking her was immutable. So he likes her in that moment and that will never change? Like, that’s not how emotions work? Also, she was stringing the fuck-buddy along. From what she told Cierra, dude was waiting for her to come back. He was planning on watching whatever she was filming with her during cuddling season. That’s not just a casual thing.
    I did love it when Serene mentioned the poison being out of the house and how she hoped there wasn’t any more and looked right. at. Shanae.

    Shanae’s catchphrase has literally become “I’m pissed.”
    Elizabeth breathes? “I’m pissed.”
    The girls enjoy one another’s company? “I’m pissed.”
    Someone other than her gets attention? “I’m pissed.” And her anger that they’re happy for one another’s successes with Clayton is so deranged. Like I rolled my eyes so hard when she got mad (“I’m pissed”) at the others for celebrating one another. Maybe the other women understand that being a bitter See you next Tuesday won’t make you prettier.
    Elyse should take a swig every time she says it as long as Shanae lasts on the show.

    And then her scheming to get rid of people by crying bullying! She can only win by being a scheming, lying bitch, and while it makes for a compelling dumpster fire, it also makes me want bad things to happen to her.

    Can I just gush over Teddi and Cierra? Both of then have the most beautiful hair and Cierra’s bone structure is epic. Like, they’re both super stunning. Teddie’s curls and Cierra’s versatility just… *chef’s kiss* I need to know their secrets, their routines, their holy grail products!

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