On last season of The Bachelor, Katie Thurston showed up with a vibrator and an attitude that shut down bullies. Now she’s one of two Bachelorettes we’ll get this year.
First up, Chris Harrison has officially exited the franchise (with a golden parachute, I’m sure). I assume he was unable to fulfill his bargain and harvest enough souls for The Rose God, and is chained to a wall in a McMansion dungeon somewhere.
So this season of The Bachelorette will be hosted by alums, Tayshia Adams and Kaitlyn Bristowe. That’s already a 1293% improvement. They compliment Katie and are supportive and bubbly, like they’re at the weirdest sleepover ever. It’s a great energy compared to the life-sucking wraith that was Harrison.
Bachelor in Paradise will be hosted by David Spade which makes me think that a bunch of execs were in a meeting and said, “Who could we pick that’s almost as bad as just having Chris Harrison back, but not quite?” It’s like they forgot other people existed. Even if you had to go the White Dude route, WTF David Spade? Why not add Carrot Top in there while you’re at it? I forgot David Spade was even a person who is alive.
When we start the episode Katie says she can’t wait to fall in love and start a family, like the only possible avenue to that future is reality TV. She says she grew up poor with divorced parents.
BTW, this season is being filmed at the Hyatt Regency Tamaya Resort and Spa in Santa Ana Pueblo, NM. We see Katie kicking a tumbleweed while yelling “No dry bushes here!”
Unlike Chris Harrison who hovered like a fucking creeper, Tayshia and Kaitlyn watch the parade of limos from a window all while giggling and talking shit.
We start the mind-numbing process of meeting the dudes, and we already have a virgin. His name is Mike and we get a clip of him reading the Bible. Someone needs to tell this franchise that virginity is a social construct.
This one dude, Michael, gives Katie a watch that’s been in his family for 200 years.
“Oh no,” says Katie full of anxiety.
Then he reveals he got it from the airport.
A silver pickup truck pulls up and the bed is filled with plastic balls like in a ball pit at Chuck E Cheese except probably with less Coxsackie virus or stray diapers. Tre pops out.
On the drinking couch, one of the guys says he’s so nervous he thinks he swallowed his bow tie except he’s still wearing his bow tie, so I guess object permanence isn’t a thing for him yet.
Andrew S pulls up in a model T. He does a Simon Duke of Hastings accent, but then he reveals he’s really from Chicago.
So then we get Jeff. Jeff’s profession is listed as “Surgical Skin Salesperson.”
My husband, normally a soft spoken man with a NPR voice, asks “WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?”
What the fuck is that indeed. Like is this skin you put on people during surgery? I thought skin grafts came from your butt or something. And if you do use donor skin, WHY IS SOMEONE SELLING IT?! Isn’t that like an organ donor thing?
WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING. DID THE ROSE GOD SEND HIM DIRECTLY FROM THE TORTURE CHAMBER WHERE CHRIS HARRISON IS BEING HELD?
To make it worse, Jeff rolls in a RV which I assume he uses to travel the country in search of “donor” skin while evading Maggie and OA from Law and Order: FBI.
James shows up in a box except he never gets out of the box, he just yells at her through the cardboard. Two PAs have to wheel him around.
Cody shows up with a blow up doll because he’s 13, I guess. Her name is Sandy.
Overall, the theme of the night seems to be masturbation jokes.
Then some dude name Connor comes out dressed as a cat.
So I guess we have a furry this season.
Many years ago I worked at a small indie bookstore and we’d have storytelling days when one of us would have to dress up in a character costume while someone else read to the kids. Usually we picked the least hungover among us to get inside the costume because 1. it’s hot AF and 2. if you puke in that thing, Scholastic is gonna charge you.
And here’s the thing, those costumes are never washed. Like maybe lightly Febreezed on a good day. And so inevitably they smell like feet and hot plastic. They were disgusting. Even if you weren’t hungover there was a fifty-fifty chance you’d be puking out back by the dumpsters hoping some kid didn’t see Clifford the Big Red Dog with his head off.
So basically I can only assume Connor is rancid as hell.
Ed. note: as someone who heard all the stories from her sibling, who repeatedly performed as Charles Entertainment Cheese in her prior place of employment, can confirm.
Thomas says meeting Katie is like “A third grader trying to talk to a cute girl for the first time.”
In my experience third graders are great at talking to girls. They will joyfully tell you about their fifth favorite dinosaur and that one time their dog ate slime. Sixth grade is when it gets dicey.
Karl is a motivational speaker so I hate him immediately. I like to think I’ve defeated every single motivational speaker work has made me listen to. The minute one of them starts talking my resting bitch face becomes active bitch face. My lack of motivation cannot be conquered, Karl. Do not try and energize me.
Eventually James pops out of the box probably when he started he getting faint from a lack of oxygen.
Katie kisses the guy dressed up like a cat.
This might be the most random episode of this show ever.
Anyway the first impression rose goes to Greg who gave Katie a macaroni necklace his niece made. He’s adorably nervous and at one point says of the necklace, “It’s not real gold. It’s pasta.”
Then it’s time for the Dreaded Rose Ceremony. Austin, Brandon, Gabriel, Serial Killer Jeff, Landon, Marcus and Marty go home.
And that’s where we end. Are you watching?
Last week my husband suggested that we skip washing our 10-month-old’s hands and just take her straight to bath time so I yelled WE’RE GOING STRAIGHT TO ROSE! STRAIGHT TO ROSE, PEOPLE! and no one appreciated my joke.
CW: medical/wound care
Synthetic skin is a thing! Iirc, it’s a misnomer because it just covers the area and gives the patient’s own skin a surface to grow back onto, but “I sell collagen graft scaffolding to surgical centers” isn’t dark and mysterious enough to get anybody’s dick wet (which two decades in healthcare taught me is the primary motivation of men in medical sales).
@Susan: I TOTALLY just cackled.
A random thought re the (totally gross and fetishist) virgin shaming thing they’ve got going on: I know this show is pretty horrible on queer rep (along with every other front, basically). But my kingdom for a story of an asexual contestant on a dating show who’s looking for a solely romantic connection and who isn’t shamed or othered for it. Would never happen in the real world in a million years, but I think it could be great in fiction.
I saw that Chris Harrison would no longer be on the show and my first thought was that Elyse MUST know.
The gossip according to Deadline is an eight-figure settlement. Supposedly, the money’s been agreed, they’re just finalizing the legal details, which likely includes a hefty NDA. Word is that Harrison threatened to sue and drag the show’s dirty laundry into court.
My therapist’s friend slept with Carrot Top, which… I guess everyone deserves sexy times.
Plastic surgery and any medical specialties that work with burn patients or patients who need skin expanders use artificial skin. Like Ren said, it’s a scaffolding. That said, many patients do use their own skin often with the use of skin expanders. For example, if you make a new ear for someone, you’d probably use a combo of a patient’s own cartilage combined with some kind of an prosthetic device. You’d stick a balloon under the skin–usually on the torso–and keep adding air into it to coax your existing skin to make new skin. Then, when there’s enough, you’d drape it over the new ear.
Medicine is cool.
That said, when my husband used to make new ears for people and put in lots of skin grafts in general, he loved to use leeches to increase blood flow. (His old hospital also used maggots to clean out wounds.)
@Kate Damn you for putting that in my brain!
So I get the dudes are trying to appear interesting and memorable, but it’s just coming across as dumb manchild antics. Just me?
…except for macaroni necklace guy, that’s legit adorable.
The furry bears a striking resemblance to Mike O’Malley comedian and appeared on Glee. This could also be also the still shot they would use should he ever be arrested.
Chris Harrison’s lawyer went big with the threat to spill all the dirt he could. Whatever. Now Chris and his best friend, Mark L. Walhberg can share in joys of unemployment.
My god, it’s an entire season of first boots on the average Survivor season.
So, no Chris H (I figured Elyse would be happy about that) yay! I don’t watch, never did, I just love Elyse & Rich and the pets. And, yes, macaroni man was the only legit cute intro.
I just gave an academic talk about the last season of The Bachelor, so I now know way too much about Chris Harrison (ugh). I also learned that trying to (re)watch an entire season of The Bachelor in 3 days is a Bad Idea.
I was not planning on watching this season (I got burned out prepping for my talk) but I might just have to, based on this recap!
Thank you all for the information on the synthetic skin! It is awesome that you guys are willing to kick in fun and educational information. You guys are amazing!!!!
As someone who is a virgin for religious reasons, can we just stop this deal with othering virgins? I don’t judge others for having sex and don’t think their sexual history is any of my damn business. So why is somebody’s LACK of sexual history any different?
Also, @Heather M. Yes. People are virgins for reasons other than religious. Can we just all stay out of each other’s bedrooms?
Ummm… Can Elyse or someone clue me in about the heated discussion between two of the guys on the porch? I looked away and then saw what looked like an argument with lots of, “I don’t like you,” “You’re welcome to your opinion,” sort of talk. Like, not even talking head interviews occurred about it afterwards?
Long time reader, first time watcher! I always enjoyed reading Elyse’s recaps so much, and I couldn’t imagine the show ever competing with them. But now that I finally have time to watch random TV after finishing grad school, I feel guilty not watching, so here I am! Plus, the rose god and his minion were finally cancelled, which feels right. I love the lady hosts! Serial killer van guy, what? But now I know way more about skin growing and grafts than ever before. Thanks, B’s! Loved the cat guy. Except, is it cool to go in for a kiss so fast? That’s two, no three tonight. But the last one was more her initiation, so that seems more okay. Is that level of insta-snogging normal for this thing???
Jill, random fighting guy struck me as drunk. How much is alcohol responsible for half of the stuff on this show? Though I get why Elyse drinks her way through this. And how/why is that guy still in a box? Oh, he’s out. Huh. This show is as random as Elyse’s recaps made it sound! Wowza.