Elyse Watches The Bachelorette–S16 E9: Serial Killer GIFs

Elyse Watches The Bachelorette with Kraken Rum and Coke with a big rose at the bottomIt’s the time of week when we jump in and ask ourselves… WTF is going on in La Quinta?

We ended last week with Bennett and Noah hashing out their drama, and Tayshia being all like…

Click for Tayshia

Brad Pitt asks whats in the box in the movie Se7en

In case you need a reminder, the box contained a gift to Noah from Bennett that was curated for maximum cruelty. First was a red bandana because their first conversation included Oklahoma and cowboys, I guess. Next was a pair of socks with mustaches as a joke aimed at Noah’s awful mustache. Harmless enough.

Last was a book on emotional intelligence that Bennett said he was giving Noah in order to teach him the three of four components of EI he’s deficient in.

Let’s just break down how incredibly abusive that is. The first gift is an acknowledgment of a moment they had together. The second is a harmless gag. Both say I am thinking about you. The last is intended for maximum hurt. The first two gifts get Noah’s guard down, the last says you are a failure or lacking in some way. Because the first two gifts show obvious thought, the last one can’t be dismissed as thoughtless. It’s personal. And it’s couched in the abuser language of “I just want to help you” by pointing out the ways in you personally lack.

Honestly  the more I thought about that scene, about how carefully crafted it was, it made me wary of Bennett. This is a man who knows how to emotionally abuse a person, has done it before, and frankly is skilled at it.

So anyway, Tayshia asks what’s in the box and Bennett says, “Um…that’s a gift I got Noah.” Then she asks him to step away and talk.

Tayshia asks if he’s ever questioned her integrity. This is in regard to a comment he made that there was a 0% chance Noah would end up with her and he’d double down on that in Vegas.

“To be quite honest, everyone is here and it doesn’t matter why they are here to you,” she says. “You don’t have the right to tell somebody else I will not end up with them. Because guess what, I am personally making decisions to have those people be here. Just like  me giving you a rose means I possibly see a potential future with you. So you saying there’s a zero percent chance of that happening is essentially questioning my integrity because you’re saying essentially I am not capable of making decisions and, Bennett, and making decisions about someone who is a good suitor for me in the future.”

Click for video footage of this convo

a mosasaurus from jurassic park leaps from the ocean to devour a fleeing pterosaur

Bennett pulls the “I’m sorry you feel this way” card which is also abusive gaslighting and then proceeds to fail to read the room by telling her Noah is deficient in emotional intelligence.

Then he tells the camera, “I think by having this conversation about Noah she’s going to have a whole newfound respect for me and shows I’m a potential husband that can raise children and teach morals.”

END HIM TAYSHIA.

Then she talks to Noah. She points out he’s been the center of the drama in the house.

Tayshia talks to Noah

Noah explains the awful gift and how condescending Bennett is, and hits the nail on the head when he tells that if she ends up with Bennett, it’s only a matter of time that he treats her that way too.

Tayshia says she’s need to think about everything.

So then Noah and Bennett talk again because we can’t have nice things. Noah says Bennett isn’t self aware and maybe he doesn’t realize that he’s condescending and demeaning.

Bennett says he’s well aware of how different he is from everyone in the house.

Honestly this is the vibe I get from Bennett.

Click for said vibe

Christian Bale from American Psycho says you're not very important to me

Tayshia tells  Noah she’s worried he’s not ready for marriage and tells Bennett that she doesn’t like how condescending he is. Then she tells Bennett she’s not giving him a rose. She walks him out.

Tayshia walks Bennett to the limo

“I’m shocked. I was never questioning your integrity. I simply saw behaviors I could never imagine you putting up with in a husband or a father. Never once for a second did I question you,” he says.

Maybe the limo driver will explain it to him.

When she comes back Noah downs some tic tacs and grins. “No, don’t be smiling,” she tells him. “That was not a victory for you by any means.”

Then she tells him she’s not giving him the rose right now either because she doesn’t know how she feels.

She spends time with the other guys and then we get to The Dreaded Rose Ceremony. There are five roses on the table. The eight guys discuss among themselves and figure out, collaboratively, that three of them are going home.

Good job guys!

Bill Murray applauds

Spencer, Demar and Ed go home.

Noah said he’s happy to be alive because he apparently assumes the men are ritually executed once they’re let go.

Wait…does Noah know about the Rose God?

When we come back from commercial JoJo tells us next week is Hometowns and I have no idea how they are doing that in a pandemic.

The first one-on-one date goes to Ben. As part of their date they break a bunch of piñatas, which seems pretty therapeutic TBH.

Ben and Tayshia talk

So then we get to the performative trauma portion of the date. Ben tells her that he broke his back in the military and was struggling to make ends meet. He was uncomfortable asking for help. He had two failed suicidal attempts, but his sister got him through it. His sister also doesn’t know this and he didn’t tell her because he didn’t want to worry her. So his sister is literally going to learn about this by watching the show.

Jesus Christ

Elizabeth Olsen drinks straight from a wine bottle

Tayshia gives him the date rose. Then we get an annoying pop up concert.

Honestly how do these people all not have COVID?

So then we get the group date. The guys are going to take lie detector tests. JoJo, who I guess took an online class, is conducting the test.  Tayshia is going to take the test.

Tayshia’s test reveals she’s falling in love with more than one person. Noah’s reveals he misses his mustache. Zac reveals he cheated on a past partner.

Riley fails when asked the baseline question of what his name is.

During the cocktail party, Tayshia asks Zac about his cheating admission. She said that was the reason her last marriage ended and it’s a deal breaker for her.

He tells her it was his first girlfriend and they were in love…and then he French kissed another girl at the Bowl-O-Rama. He was in 6th grade.

HE CHEATED AT THE BOWLING ALLEY. THE CLASSIEST OF CHEATING LOCATIONS.

Fact: the only worse place to cheat on someone at is the Skate World.

Also I think Tayshia is wearing a wedding dress with a skort.

The wedding dress with a skort

So then we get to Riley who is having a meltdown about having to admit his actual name. I’m hoping it’s because he’s an international assassin, but probably not.

Tayshia flips up her skirt when she sits down and confirms the skort portion of the gown.

Riley tears up as he tells her his family situation is complex. He tells her was named Dwayne Henderson Jr. after his dad and they were best friends. He had sole custody. They had a falling out and he realized his father kept him from his mom. He felt like had to start over and he got a legal name change.

Tayshia tells the guys she had meaningful conversations with all of them and she’s saving the date rose for the Dreaded Rose Ceremony because she needs more time.

Then Tayshia walks away and whoa! Bennett is there!

This is concerning

Christian Bale from American Psycho swings an ax while saying hey paul

They go talk in her room and Bennett says, “It smells fresh in here.”

Fresh as in not like the room where I store the bodies.

Bennett tells her he loves her. He tells her he would do anything in the world for her (except respect her boundaries).

“I don’t know what’s happening right now,” she says.

YOU’RE IN THE PRESENCE OF A SERIAL KILLER IS WHAT’S HAPPENING.

She tells him she will let him know how she feels tomorrow.

Bennett and Tayshia awkwardly hug

And that’s where we are at. Next week we have two episodes to get through.

“What?” my husband asks when they announce that.

Are you watching?

Comments are Closed

  1. kat_blue says:

    Ughhh, not another…whatever-his-name-was from a few seasons ago. The producers saw the emotional abuse red flags and said “Delicious! We’ll take all you’ve got!” Half surprised they didn’t have him “break in” to the McMansion for Teh Dramaz, but I guess it’s still somewhat early in the season. They’ll probably save that for the next time he gets kicked out.

    Once again, Elyse, we salute you for standing between us and the unadulterated (well, kinda) show.

  2. HeatherT says:

    Perfect statement: “the performative trauma portion of the date.” Love it.

  3. MsCellanie says:

    Isn’t the whole point of them going away that they go the ____ away?
    This show is weird.

  4. MARY MORLEY says:

    @MsCellanie – the producers are bad about letting shit-stirrers back on the show when they want extra drama. The lead is not as in charge as they’d like. Alayah came back after getting eliminated on Peter’s season, Luke on Hannah’s season, and I’m sure there are more.

    (Alayah was great though no shade)

  5. Kassi says:

    Ugh. Anyone else hoping that she was going to send BOTH Bennet and Noah packing?? When Bennet cropped back up my reaction was saying “Ohhh fuck off!” out loud to an empty house. I just wish they would have waited a few weeks to let us all forget about him before springing him out again. Is that ever a thing?

    Also, why is Blake still there? He gets zero screen time. The most we’ve seen from him since Claire left was when he was busy fashioning a clay dick. How does a C- dick sculptor get picked over Demar and Ed (good call cutting Spencer loose)?

    Full disclosure- this is my first tour of the bachelorette and I’m only watching because there is a Love Island UK drought. Do the producers often keep “filler” dudes like Blake on for a while?

  6. Star says:

    Tayshia’s body language in that final gif is really distressing — she looks incredibly uncomfortable bordering on scared. Follow your gut, Tayshia! You know this guy is bad news! Run!

  7. BellaInAus says:

    @Star

    I think she thought she was hugging one guy, and he’s pulled off his face/mask and it turns out he’s the bad dude and she’s all ‘waaaiiit. WTF??’

    Or is that just me?

  8. gwen says:

    @Kassi

    “How does a C- dick sculptor get picked over Demar”

    THIS IS MY QUESTION.

  9. Kris Bock says:

    These are the guys who are not the worst???

    Do you suppose the producers realize that a double episode is actually a method of torture? Or do they get so used to torturing the bachelorette that they can’t recognize the emotional torture anymore? “Heeeey, we have something for you! It is a literal steaming pile of crap! Are you excited?”

  10. Cristie says:

    No Fish? Or Chips? I’m sad. Also Bennett is a raging narcissist and she’s going to need a restraining order if he’s not permanently removed from the show.

  11. Star says:

    @BellaInAus – Not just you! He’s removed the skin-mask he had made from the skin of the person she was expecting, and she’s reacting accordingly.

  12. chacha1 says:

    I LOL’d about failing the polygraph on his name. The only reason for this show to exist is so these recaps can exist, IMO.

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