Elyse Watches the Bachelorette–S16 E11: Smooching in the Time of COVID

It’s time for the second Bachelorette episode of the week. Yay?

We’re down to four guys: Ben, Brendan, Zac and Ivan. It’s also Hometowns.

Normally that means that the Bachelorette would travel to each of the guys’ hometown and meet their families. With COVID, they’ve adapted. The families have traveled to La Quinta where they’ve presumably isolated and tested. The guys are responsible for creating dates that would remind them of being back home.

Can you imagine your family members going on this shitty show for you, quarantining for 14 days, and shoving q tips up their sinuses just so you can be embarrassed on national TV?

At one point, randomly, Ben says he doesn’t know how to cry. “I like, don’t know how to do that emotion,” he says.

That’s… You need more therapy, bro.

First up is Brendan.

 

He arranges a small carnival which he says is a big part of his small town culture. His niece, Aliyah, is there and she doesn’t deserve any of this.

They play carnival games and eat popsicles. That night Tayshia meets Brendan’s older brother, Daniel, and his sister-in-law, Kristie.

Kristie says that “Shame is the number one killer of you meeting your destiny.”

Right, and fear is the mind-killer.

Next up is Zac. He’s from New York City so they practice hailing cardboard cabs, then they eat pizza and bagels.

That night she meets Zac’s parents and his brother. Matthew, his brother, asks Tayshia where she’s at with Zac compared to the other three guys. She tells him she’s falling in love with Zac, and Matthew points out that doesn’t answer the question.

Zac’s dad says he hasn’t seen him smile this much in a long time. After they leave his family, there’s a lot of making out with visible tongue.

So then it’s Ivan’s turn. He says that only one person has met his family before.

For their date, Ivan and Tayshia cook. He says cooking is a big part of his Filipino culture, and they watch an adorable video of his four-year-old niece cooking lumpia. Then they try to make some for themselves, following the family recipe.  For the record, the four-year-old did a better job of it.

Ivan tells Tayshia his dad has health issues, including pulmonary fibrosis, which is scary with COVID. OMG why is he there? DO NOT RISK YOUR LIFE FOR THIS SHOW!

Later they meet his parents. Ivan’s mom pulls Tayshia aside and tells her that she’s skeptical about the whole mess. She tells Tayshia she’s only concerned with his happiness.

Ivan’s dad Clarence asks her what she learned from her first marriage.

Later Ivan talks to his mom. “I definitely have feelings for Tayshia. I like her. Am I ready to propose to her? No I am not. I see a path forward for that to happen potentially…to meet her family, and potentially a fantasy suite situation or whatever…”

“If she keeps you around,” his mom points out, tilting her head at him.

We never get Ivan’s mom’s name, which is some bullshit because I love this woman. Fuck Chris Harrison, I want Ivan’s mom and Barb, Peter Weber’s mom, to host every episode from now on. They’ll watch each date, and possibly the Fantasy Suite action, while pursing their lips disapprovingly.

Then Ivan’s brother, Gabe, surprises him by showing up. We learned in a prior episode that Gabe had a drug problem and spent some time in prison.

Gabe has clearly seen some shit, and he’s not here for this franchise’s horseshit. He tells Tayshia that “loyalty is an action word.”

I take it back. I need Gabe, Barb and Ivan’s mom to host this show.

Chris, you’re out. Take a moment and say your goodbyes.

Finally, we get to meet Ben’s family. Ben tells her that he was born and raised in Indiana, but feels most at home in Venice Beach. They go rollerblading and have wellness shots at a juice bar. The shot is gross and Tayshia struggles not to spit it back in the glass.

For the record, if I was on this show (and I wouldn’t be because I have dignity and also Rich), I would make the Bachelor/ette stand in a deep freezer for twenty minutes because WELCOME TO WISCONSIN MOTHERFUCKER! Then we’d have a brandy old fashioned (sweet with fruit, please). Finally instead of my family I’d lock them in a room with my three cats and a nanny cam.

Dewey, the elder statesman of the house, would pull his classic move. He purrs and gently swishes his tail back and forth and shows his belly, generally signaling that he’s in a happy cat place, and then bites the living shit out of you when you touch him. Dewey is a lovable asshole.

Fish, who has seven brain cells, would meow at the wall. I would have to wear Chips in a baby carrier because he has separation anxiety.

Anyway, back to Ben.

After the juice that probably gave them diarrhea, they go for a swim because why not.

Later Tayshia meets Ben’s sister, Madeline, and his friend Antonia. Antonia turns out to be Antonia fucking Lafaso, celebrity chef.  WHAT? His parents can’t make it because his dad is a doctor and… ya know, COVID.

Ben is adorable. “Guys, I got a girlfriend!” he announces when they sit down.

Ben tells Antonia that love is a scary word, but he has feelings for Tayshia.

Then he reflects, “I love her. That’s wild. I just don’t know how to say it.”

“Just let go,” Antonia tells him.

OMG I need a friends-to-lovers romance starring these two. Forget Tayshia. I am here for Antonia and Ben discovering their feelings while cooking amazing things.

GIVE IT TO ME, INTERNET!

Ben is delighted. “You know all the things now,” he tells Tayshia. He is glowing.

We must protect vulnerable, formerly bulimic and suicidal Ben at all costs.

Tayshia asks him how he feels, but he stumbles over his words and doesn’t say “I love you.”

“My brain didn’t work,” Ben tells the camera.

Then it’s time for The Dreaded Rose Ceremony.

Ben says he hopes it’s not too late to tell Tayshia he loves her.

Despite the fact that it’s like 100 degrees, Brendan wears a turtleneck under a suit jacket.

The first rose goes to Ivan.

The second rose goes to Zac.

The final rose goes to…Brendan and his turtleneck.

“I’ll be alright,” he says to Tayshia. “I’m always alright.”

It’s okay, Ben. You still have Antonia.

Tayshia tells the camera that Ben’s inability to show emotion was what convinced her to send him home.

In the limo, Ben looks numb.

And that’s it. Next week is Fantasy Suites which is extra special icky in a pandemic.

Are you watching?