Elyse Watches The Bachelorette–S15 E04: Battle of the Lukes

Happy Friday everyone!

I needed an extra day for The Bachelorette this week, and I’m glad I watched the episode fully rested because we have too many Lukes and it gets confusing.

The show opens with the remaining fifteen dudes traveling to Newport, Rhode Island. Jed gets the first one-on-one date with Hannah, and they meet in Boston, MA. They check out the tourist sites, then meet with Terry Rozier and Jaylen Brown from the Boston Celtics and play some sportsball.

During the dinner they aren’t allowed to eat, Jed admits that he signed up for the show in order to promote his music. He says that since meeting Hannah, she’s become his focus, though. She says she respects his honesty. She gives him the date rose.

Next up is the group date. Thirteen of the dudes, including Luke P, go to Fort Adams where they play rugby. During the game Kevin injures his shoulder and is taken away by ambulance for x-rays.

Then the sportsing resumes, and Hannah is totally into it. Luke P is pretty aggressive and some of the other guys think it’s too much. I don’t really know the rules of rugby so I can’t say whether or not it was out of bounds, but the ref never calls him out on it. At one point he sort of body slams Luke S, and it looks painful. Luke P apologizes, but Luke S is pretty pissed.

“I just never want to see him again,” Luke S says.

For the record, Luke P and Luke S are easy to tell apart because Luke P is enormous with vacant eyes, and Luke S looks eerily like a Diet Nick Viall.

Then it’s time for the cocktail party and Hannah is wearing the most amazing, sparkly boots. Luke P gets alone time first. He admits to the altercation with Luke S. Luke P says that he’s seen red flags about the other Luke, that he never talks about Hannah, just about his brand.

So then Hannah talks to Luke S. It’s at this point I notice that the “private talking” room has the usual fancy couch and decorative candles…but also a bird cage without a bird. Which seems like an ominous sign to me. Did the canary sniff out all the fuckery in the “coalmine” and pass away?

Anyway, Luke S tells Hannah that all of the dudes are annoyed by Luke P. He brings up the fact that Luke P said he was in love after the first date then later wanted to leave because Hannah was spending time with other guys (all of which is true).

We get snippets of the other guys talking to Hannah, and they all tell her Luke P is an enormous tool.

Kevin returns and …did that ambulance take him back in time to a Revolutionary War field hospital?

What Red Badge of Courage fuckery is up with that sling? Did Chris Harrison rip up some bedsheets, construct that monstrosity, and then pat him on the ass and say, “Go get ’em tiger!”?

So then the guys are talking and Garrett who has enormous hair (now we know where the bird went), tells Luke P that he could have seriously hurt someone playing rugby.

All the other dudes leave the room for “reasons,” so Luke S and Luke P can hash it out. Luke S tells Luke P he hopes he never sees him again in his life, which sounds exactly like something I said while having a fight with one of the other kids back in fourth grade.

“Well, I hope you turn around and I would love to get to continue to know you on a more real and deeper level,” Luke P says, totally missing the implications of anal sex in that comment. He continues, “Because man, all I’ve done is try to be cool with you. All I’ve done is respect you.”

Luke S gets up and tells the camera that Luke P is a liar and “is gonna get what’s coming to him.”

Meanwhile Hannah is talking to Peter. He’s telling her what a great personality she has and she asks, “But can you handle when I’m just a bitch? Cuz that happens.”

I love Hannah.

Garrett and the bird that lives in his hair gets the group date rose.

The next day Hannah is in tears over the fact that Luke P might be a dbag and she missed it. She says she doesn’t trust her feelings. She’s supposed to have a date with Tyler C, but she admits to him that she’s not in a great mood. He tries to comfort her.

They go out on a boat and haul in lobster traps.

During the dinner they aren’t allowed to eat, Tyler C tells Hannah about how he almost didn’t go on the show due to a personal tragedy, but I can’t tell what he actually says because he mumbles. I rewound several times and I’m left with three options: either his boss, his Pops, or his possum almost died. Honestly, it most sounds like “possum.”

What do you think?

Context clues time!

“He was in a coma for like ten days. It was rough. I had to sign away his rights,” he tells Hannah.

Okay, so we can rule out “boss” because it’s unlikely Tyler C would have anything to do with his boss’ legal rights. Pops and possum are now the front runners although I don’t know what kind of rights possums have in Florida (where he’s from).

The Pops or possum survives surgery, then Tyler C finally breaks the tension. “Me and my dad used to sit around watching The Bachelorette.”

So unless the possum is indeed Tyler C’s father, it would appear the correct answer is “Pops.”

That said, I refuse to rule anything out.

She gives him the date rose and then they go to one of those annoying pop-up concert things.

So then it’s time for the pre-Dreaded Rose Ceremony cocktail party. Mike tells Luke P that he’s a psychopath and, I shit you not, Luke P looks up the definition of “psychopath” on some poor PA’s phone to confirm he isn’t one.

Later Hannah tells Luke S that she’s still trying to work through her feelings about what happened. Luke S goes back into the main room and tells everyone that Hannah doesn’t trust him because of what Luke P said about him promoting his brand. He asks Luke P if he truly believes that’s why he’s here. Luke P says no.

So all the dudes tell Luke P that he needs to go tell Hannah that Luke S is there for the right reasons (take a shot) and that what he said wasn’t true. He agrees that he will do that.

Luke P does go talk to Hannah, says he’s not there to discuss Luke S, but that he stands by what he said earlier, doing the opposite of what he told everyone else he was going to do.

I’d like to point out that there’s a really enormous replica of a ship on the table behind where Garrett and his enormous hair are sitting, and I really want the bird he smuggled in there to hop out, hoist the mainsail, and sail away from all this nonsense.

So then Hannah tells Luke S that Luke P said Luke S wanted him to say good things about him. This is so painful to type.

Luke S confronts Luke P again. Half the guys have their head in their hands. One of them leans against the fireplace mantle pressing his forehead into like he’s in physical pain and can’t support his weight anymore. Everyone wants to be done with this now.

We end the episode with Hannah asking to talk to both Lukes at the same time.

Are you watching? Which Luke do you side with?