Spring has arrived, and with it comes The Bachelorette, a show I watch so you don’t have to. You can take a tour through the archives of my recaps if you’d like to compound your pain or hilarity or both.
This season’s Bachelorette is Becca Kufrin. If you didn’t read my recaps of the most recent season of The Bachelor, this is what you need to know.
Arie Luyendyk, Jr. was the most recent Bachelor, and his season was a serious snooze-fest. Arie had the same affect on me as a couple glasses of wine on an empty stomach. I was going nigh-nigh every time he talked. In what promised to be a super unremarkable season, Arie proposed to Minnesota native Becca and the show ended.
Or so we thought.
Arie apparently had second thoughts and while he was seeing Becca post filming, he reached out to the runner up, Lauren. There were like seventeen Laurens last season and most of them were blonde, so I’ll be honest, I’m not even sure which one she was.
So then Becca thinks they’re getting together to film a segment of them as a happy couple, but instead Arie breaks up with her and they film the entire thing and don’t edit it. It was possibly the most painful forty minutes of TV ever. Not because Arie broke up with her (honestly he was doing her a favor), but because Arie ambushed her and they filmed every awful second and aired it. She was so obviously embarrassed and hurt, and we saw it all.
I thought I liked you, Chris Harrison. I see you now. I see you.
For a week Arie was the most hated person on Twitter. Later he said he agreed to do the breakup that way because it would get Becca The Bachelorette, but whatever.
Anyway, Becca is the new Bachelorette, and she and ABC keep talking about how she’s going “do the damn thing” which is apparently how you say “get married.” Stop trying to make fetch happen, ABC. I’m sure we’ll be forced to watch the humiliating break up scene at least ten more times, and I really hope Becca is drinking all of ABC’s booze to make up for it.
Personally, I am here to see Becca devour the hearts of men like some deadly magical queen while looking amazing in eveningwear. You get ’em Becca.
All caught up? Got some rum in your Coke? Ready to go? Okay!
The episode opens with us rewatching scenes from the forty-minute horror show that was Arie breaking up with Becca. So glad I’ll only have to see these clips like a million more times. Then we get a shot of Becca pensively walking through the Minnesota snow. She says that the death of her father (code: I’ve been through worse things than you, Arie) taught her that you can overcome pain to find happiness. She’s super excited to be The Bachelorette.
Becca shows up to the McMansion where previous Bachelorettes, including Rachel, are there to support her. Rachel burns some sage, smudges the McMansion, the drinking couches, and I’m not even joking, smudges Becca’s vagina.
“Please don’t edit this out,” Rachel says to the camera, “but fuck him. It’s about you now.”
YES! I am so excited for this season!
Okay, now that Becca’s vajayjay is free of evil spirits, it’s time to meet the dudes. Take a drink to fortify yourself because we’ve got some real winners here.
Jean Blanc describes himself as a “lifetime collector of accoutrements.” He shows us his collection of Rolex watches, ties and colognes, including one tiny vial that costs $1200.
Every guy who gets his own cutaway manages to work some shirtless crunches into his segment. Except Joe from Chicago. Joe owns a grocery store and he’s too busy worrying about produce to take his shirt off. I like Joe.
My husband, who I shit you not is drinking a mimosa out of one of those giant plastic cups you get at the movie theatre, says “Aren’t you glad I had no idea we were dating at first?”
True story. We hung out a lot and then I had to tell him we were dating. He never felt the need to break out his accoutrement collection.
Then it’s time for the parade of limos. Each of the contestants comes out of a limo and has to make a great first impression on Becca. In order to make the driveway look shiny, some PA has to hose it down between takes.
Chris Harrison is there, but I’m still not talking to him.
There are two pro football players on this season, Clay and Colton. I don’t know who they played for and I don’t care enough to Google.
Grocery Joe completely blacks out with anxiety and says “I forgot everything I was going to say to you,” sheepishly. Then he says “Oh, fuck,” as he walks into the McMansion.
Jordan is a male model and tells the other dudes he spent six hours hand selecting his wardrobe. He wore a sharkskin suit because he’s “elusive and looking for prey.”
One guy dresses up as a race car driver then strips down to his suit saying, “What kind of asshole would wear that.” Another guy brings a cardboard standee of Arie so he can witness Becca being happy. One of the other dudes points out that a great way to not impress a woman is to immediately bring up her shitty ex.
Blake rides in on a bull, and the bull doesn’t seem thrilled. “My feelings are as strong as an ox,” he jokes.
Then we meet Kamil who opens with, “Hey, Becca, come here,” and lists his job as a “social media participant.”
Yeah, I’m on Facebook too, asshole.
Becca is not impressed.
Next up is Jake who also hails from Minnesota. Becca seems perplexed and admits that she knows him, calling him an acquittance.
Cut back to Jordan railing against some of the other men wearing loafers with no socks. “This was not the occasion for that,” he says in the same tone as an irate Carson from Downton Abbey.
Then some guy shows up in a chicken suit because why not.
So after an hour of dudes streaming out of limos, it’s time for the first cocktail party. Chris Harrison asks Becca if the man of her dreams is in there and I’m all like “WHY DO YOU CARE CHRIS. YOU BETRAYED HER! I TRUSTED YOU! YOU COULD HAVE PUT A STOP TO HER MISERY AND FED ARIE TO THE ROSE GOD BUT YOU DIDN’T!”
We’re done, Chris. We’re done.
This is the time when the dudes get to spend one-on-one time with Becca (if they can manage to snatch a minute with her) which is important because they want to leave an impression on her. Becca is wearing this amazing white embroidered jacket over her sequined evening gown and she looks fantastic.
Every single one of the guys seems to mention Arie in some form or fashion which seems like a bad idea to me, but what do I know.
Also, this is unkind of me, but every time Jordan speaks I get a little dumber. Honestly he’s right up there with Nick Viall. He looks confused but earnest all the time. I actually feel a tiny bit bad for him. But just a tiny bit.
Then we get Grocery Joe again. He tells Becca he started his grocery business by wholesaling watermelons to grocery stores. I have so many questions for him. Domestic or international watermelons? How did he get around the exorbitant pricing associated with produce season? I want the names of his top five reefer carriers. Did he warehouse them first or do direct to store shipments… OMG. I’m crushing on Joe here. We could run A PRODUCE EMPIRE.
Rich: “You’re thinking about produce logistics right now, aren’t you?”
Me: “I am…not doing that.”
Then Chris Harrison appears with the first impression rose. The dudes up their game. One has an electric “back massager.” I…okay.
Turns out that chicken guy, David, owns a private equity firm.
Jordan sits on a couch, hands clasped between his knees, staring blankly ahead. David asks him if he’s had one-on-one time with Becca, and when he says no, asks him what his game plan is.
“You’re wearing a chicken suit, dude. Don’t talk to me,” Jordan says.
Garrett teaches Becca how to fly fish in the McMansion pool. Only thing you’re gonna catch in there is a fungal infection, dude.
A bunch of the guys stare at them out the window. “I wonder what he’s catching?” one of the dudes asks.
“Feelings. He’s catching feelings,” another one says morosely.
These guys are so unintentionally hilarious. This season is going to be amazing.
Then there’s some hubbub about Chase not being there “for the right reasons” because someone knows his ex or something. IDK. Chris approaches Chase about this.
Chase immediately goes to Becca, tells her that one of his ex’s sent a text implying he wasn’t there for the right reasons, but it’s not true and he’s there for her. Becca looks confused because 1. is this middle school? and 2. there are so many Ch names in this crowd that I can’t keep anyone straight.
Becca approaches Jake, the guy she knows from Minnesota. First of all, I’m fairly certain that Jake is black out drunk. Becca questions why Jake never asked her out before considering they run in the same circles.
“I’m here for you,” Jake slurs and points at Becca’s chest in case she was confused as to who “you” was.
Jake says something about having a transformative year and that he’s a new Jake, but he stumbles over the words and I think at one point he’s talking to the fireplace.
Becca, possibly discouraged by his inability to string together a coherent sentence, sends him home.
Drunk Jake tells the camera, “Ask anybody. I’m one of the most romantic fucking people there is.”
Then Becca strides back into the McMansion and basically tells the other dudes, I knew that guy, I don’t like that guy, he went home.
You can smell the dudes’ fear.
It’s amazing.
“She’s sending people home and it’s night one,” Jordan says. “Geez.”
Then she gives Garrett the first impression rose.
Finally it’s time for The Dreaded Rose Ceremony.
Usually at this point I’d make some joke about Chris Harrison working for an eldritch terror known as the rose god, but since he and I aren’t talking right now I refuse to further elaborate on the bizarre backstory I’ve created for him.
Leo, who has very long hair, worries that Becca isn’t into his look. “Looking out at sea of highway patrol officers, you’re wondering, maybe she didn’t feel me.”
Leo gets a rose. So does Sweet, Dumb Jordan.
Chase, the guy with the texting ex, goes home. So does Joe, breaking my heart. So does Kamil.
“I have no idea what happened,” Kamil says.
YOU LISTED YOUR JOB AS A SOCIAL MEDIA PARTICPANT, KAMIL. HOW DID YOU THINK THIS WOULD END?
And that’s it for this night. Will you be watching The Bachelorette this season? And will you be participating in social media, too?
one of his ex’s sent a text implying he wasn’t there for the right reasons, but it’s not true
I’ve read that fanfic.
Grocery Joe sounded like the best bet in that lot, although you could clean up in the divorce from Jean Blanc.
HAPPY DAYS ARE HERE AGAIN!! Thank you for signing on for another season!!
I’m so sad for Grocery Joe!
I wish my curls were as well-defined as Leo’s. I’d keep him around just for haircare tips, but Ms. Beachywave probably has other intentions.
Yay! I’m so happy this is back. I love your recaps!
I’m so sad for you but so happy for me!!! BachElyse is bach!! And with the best-placed Chris Pine GIF I have ever seen.
You cannot blame Chris Harris for being true to his nature. You must expand his backstory every season, like march into madness. You are a prophet of the gospel of the Dark Rose God, you must not waver.
I thought Grocery Joe was going all the way. He seemed like a real human. Disappointed :/
I only plan to participate in so far as I NEVER miss your recap. I get all the hilarious and none of the dopey. Love your hubby too!
*snarling* I am SO TIRED of “do the damn thing” as some sort of rallying cry. It is stupid and you are stupid for using it! (wow, I got a lotta rage for a Tuesday after a long weekend)
I think your comments are way more fun than actually watching this show. (And less time consuming.) I feel sorry for you gals if this is what you have to pick from when dating. (I have been married since 1983, so I’m sure a lot has changed.)
Thank you Elyse for doing this for us! My favorite guy so far is your husband. “Aren’t you glad I had no idea we were dating at first?” Best line of the week. Close runners up – the comment about catching feelings and the refusal to listen to a guy in a chicken suit. Let us know if we can send you more booze.
OOooh, you know what, this ep would have been very useful prep material for that “hero with a Ch name” question in Romance Novel Family Feud at RT!
And also, Kamil’s whole “60/40 where you do 60 and I do 40” schitck was NOT ON. I could see Becca trying to throw him a goddamn lifeline by insisting on 50/50 (THE ANSWER IS ALWAYS 50/50!) and he just refused to take it. What a dumbo.
Grocery Store Joe is a Twitter favorite, apparently. I just need someone to write this romance novel for me. Where are my slightly curmudegeonly small grocery store owners? Oooh what if the heroine is trying to organize the grocery store WORKERS. It’ll be like a contemporary North and South. Richard Armitage could come back as the hero. Ooooh.
Garrett teaches Becca how to fly fish in the McMansion pool. Only thing you’re gonna catch in there is a fungal infection, dude.
A bunch of the guys stare at them out the window. “I wonder what he’s catching?” one of the dudes asks.
“Feelings. He’s catching feelings,” another one says morosely.
LMAO
Of course I’m never going to watch the bat-er OR the bat-erette but I will NEVER miss your recaps
So many things about the Bachelor(ette) appear in a whole new light after reading the recent article in–of all places–cracked dot com. Now I’m thinking, (a) she probably had to buy her own booze, and (b) the guys blew their clothes budget on chicken suits and had nothing left over for socks.
I appreciate you so much!
@Louise: Wait till you read Amy Kaufman’s BACHELOR NATION, which discusses the series’ contract clauses in detail. I’m surprised a puff of smoke and a quill pen don’t appear when people have to sign them…
I’d probably break out in hives if I tried to watch this show. I do enjoy these recap commentaries though. Where do they come up with these people?!
My watching was delayed until tonight due to Stanley Cup finals action (GO CAPS) but I couldn’t wait to come here and see Elyse’s recap. I’m excited for Becca to be in control, even if I do get just a tiny bit rage-y every time she says “do the damn thing.” Right now I feel like I usually do at the beginning of a season–like I know they probably picked half of the guys just because they might make good TV, but I hope for Becca’s sake there is at least one dude in there that she would consider dating, otherwise it’s kind of a long slog and I feel bad for her.
I enjoy your Rose God Extended Universe much more than Shane’s Hotdaga. I hope you choose to continue your theories of what goes on behind the scenes with Chris Harrison.
I just want you to know that I diligently send these recaps to my dad every Tuesday so we can laugh about the episodes together. So thanks for giving us something to talk about! 🙂
But wait – the season preview had one of the NFL players claiming he was a virgin. And my romance reading friend was like HOLY SHIT THAT’S A BOOK!
I didn’t care for Leo at the start, but after three snarky comments I’m feeling Fauxquaman. And I need to know what conditioner he uses.
I didn’t watch the episode. I have no idea what other things he said. But I kind of love “social media participant.”
I want to answer that way the next time someone asks me, “So what do you do?” (I, too, have a facebook account
and an Instagram account
and twitter
and I’m writing here right now! I totally participate.)
It’s kind of a vague, true, non-answer. It is at least as meaningful as “consultant” and a lot more interesting.
According to Avon Books, Trent (who didn’t even warrant a mention here, so he must have been lying low on the wtf radar) modeled for the cover of Lorraine Heath’s Texas Destiny. #romancetrivia
@Jenica: That is freaking adorable and so very cool. Thank you for sharing that – and hi to your dad!
My husband, who I shit you not is drinking a mimosa out of one of those giant plastic cups you get at the movie theatre…”
I knew there was a reason why I liked him. Lol.
@KB: I wish your Caps well tonight, and in the Finals in general. I’d watch myself, but I’m still traumatized from the way Round Two shook out for my Sharks against those blasted Golden Knights…
I will totally be watching. And by “watching,” I mean I will be reading every recap you post. 😀