I’m approaching this, the final recap of The Bachelor season 22, with a mix of relief and dread.
Relief because we’re almost done. I never have to look at Arie’s dumb face again.
Dread because I am cringing in horror at what I’ll likely have to sit through to get there.
Last night Arie proposed to Becca K, the “winner” of the season. Then in an extra shitty move, ABC ambushed Becca and filmed him breaking up with her because he couldn’t stop thinking about Lauren and wanted to be with her instead. Becca thought they were filming a segment of them being a happy couple, hanging out, and instead she was humiliated and every moment of it was filmed.
Tonight is the After the Rose special where everyone is freshly spray tanned and they are forced to sit next to Chris Harrison (whom I am not talking to right now) and discuss the season.
Right now Arie is pretty much despised by everyone and rightfully so. He’s a garbage person who not only broke up with Becca (bad), did it on camera (worse), but also refused to take any emotional accountability for it and kept wanting her to “talk” about it and somehow absolve him of guilt (fuck you and your toxic masculinity).
By popular demand my co-reviewers, Dewey and Fisher, are here. Dewey has decided that Fisher is the best thing since sliced bread and they are currently chasing each other through the house. It sounds like a stampede of elephants in here, despite the fact they combined they probably weigh less than fifteen pounds.
Fisher, as I explained last night, is a kitten and the newest addition to the household. He was found in an ice shanty with a fishing hook stuck in his mouth, which is appropriate because Becca’s Uncle Gary also has plans for Arie that involve an ice shanty and the words “the body wasn’t found until spring thaw.”
So anyway, let’s get this over with, shall we?
Chris opens the show by saying we’ll see another proposal tonight.
Arie tells us that his biggest fear is that he goes to Lauren and it doesn’t work “and I risked it all for nothing.”
Arie stands outside Lauren’s house. He says, “I was fine two seconds ago and now I’m freaking out. I’m just dying.”
We aren’t that lucky, Arie.
He knocks on Lauren’s door, she opens it and embraces him.
He says he talked to Lauren on the phone and that she knows he broke up with Becca.
Lauren says that when Arie reached out she was angry at first because she thought he was doing it for selfish reasons (HE IS OMG HOW DO YOU NOT REALIZE THAT). She asks if he’s over Becca.
“Yes, 1000%,” Arie says, not because he’s being hyperbolic but because he doesn’t understand how percentages work.
Lauren forgives him and they noisy-kiss.
Fun Fisher story: earlier today he sat in his water dish and then he cried because his butt was wet.
After the commercial break, Chris is interviewing Bekah M, Caroline, Tia, Sienne, and Kendall.
“First of all, it’s not Lauren. It’s all Arie,” Tia says.
“Yeah, we love Lauren,” Caroline agrees. “She’s a good person.”
Bekah M says, “Its unbelievable. I think he’s just not a genuine person. He just wants to say whatever he needs to say to the person in front of him to get what he wants. He’s an incredibly manipulative person.”
Hey, remember when Arie worried Bekah M was too immature for him?
So then Caroline points out that Arie had the control (I’m assuming contractually? I don’t know) to elect not to break up with Becca on camera. Chris acknowledges that it was a controversial decision to air the breakup the way they did and that he got heat for it.
But since Chris Harrison long ago sacrificed his soul to the Rose God, he cares not. He feels nothing. He is the darkness. He is entropy. He is decay.
Caroline says that by airing the breakup the world got to see how strong and amazing Becca is.
Bekah M adds that she hopes Lauren, “Gets out of that as soon as possible. I do.”
The audience cheers.
Anyway, did I mention how I found Fisher? There’s a great cat sanctuary near me that also runs a cat café, Safe Haven Pet Sancuary. They focus on saving cats who would be euthanized due to age, health or psychological issues. Fisher was found in a very rural area. He’d wandered into an ice shanty and found a fishing lure that probably had something tasty on it still, tried to eat the lure, and wound up with one hook in his lip and one in each cheek. He was dropped off at an emergency vet (this was during the night) and they contacted Safe Haven. The area he was found in doesn’t have animal control and the closest city’s shelter won’t take in animals that aren’t found in their municipality. So Safe Haven stepped up, paid for his emergency surgery, and the next day I saw the little guy on Facebook and that was it. They do really great, compassionate work and I’m so pleased they are a part of my community. You can check them out here.
And if you feel bad for Fisher, please note his mouth is better, he has pain medicine, and he’s getting all the soft foods plus chicken breast that Rich made and shredded for him and Dewey.
Caroline and Tia say that Becca is concerned that Lauren will be hurt, too. They also ask that people not pick on Lauren for her decision because Lauren didn’t see what Arie did to Becca the way everyone else did.
“He was telling each woman certain things off camera during fantasy suites,” Tia points out.
So basically, Arie is a lying sack of shit.
Dewey says that if Arie were a turd (and he is), that he wouldn’t even bury him.
Then Becca comes out and she looks amazing.
Chris says to her, “A lot of people in Bachelor Nation took exception to us showing what we did last night. It was all about you, so…”
IDK Chris, maybe because it was vile and unnecessarily cruel? Also “all about you” is total bullshit. It was all about controversy and ratings. Here. Fuck off.
Becca says, in a round about way, that seeing what a dbag Arie was on TV gave her some closure. She also says she knows she signed up for a show and that this part of the deal. Then she tells us that right after they got engaged in Peru, Arie told her he was in love with both of them. She knew he reached out to Lauren, but thought it was to get closure.
They had been looking at houses together and had decided what to do with her place in Minnesota when he broke up with her.
Then Chris says, “Well, I know this isn’t the way you wanted it to happen, but in all the years I’ve done this, and it’s been awhile now, I’ve never seen the outpouring of love and support there’s been for you. And when I tell you that I’ve never seen some of this happening…”
Shut up, Chris. You asshole.
Then they trot out Arie.
“It feels good to see you,” Arie says to Becca.
NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS ARIE.
“There was a lot of guilt and a lot of shame,” Arie says. “The reason why I did it the way I did it, was I wanted everyone here to know it was on me and this wasn’t about you,” he says.
Oh, so you humiliated her on TV to make sure people didn’t assume she was the bad guy in this relationship? SURE.
Then he really puts the icing on the shit cake. Becca asks him why he reached out to Lauren behind her back before talking to her.
“I didn’t want to be rash. I needed to…There were all these feelings and I needed to be certain in my decision before I came to you and told you I needed to pursue that.”
Meaning, I needed to be sure Lauren was still interested before I cut ties with you.
Arie, I sincerely hope it hurts when you poop.
Then he makes a comment about how Becca allowed Arie to reach out to Lauren because she wasn’t certain either. So somehow this is Becca’s fault? She was complicit in his being a giant asshole by not being confident enough in their relationship?
This whole thing is emotional manipulation 101.
Then Arie says, “I do regret proposing that day because I wasn’t fully ready.”
Becca says she forgives him and hopes he treats Lauren well.
After the commercial break Chris interviews Jason and Molly Mesnick. It’s a pointless time filler. Jason changed his mind after his season and married Molly, the runner up.
Right now Dewey is snoozing on Rich’s lap while Fisher rolls around on the floor, savagely attacking Grey Mousie. It’s misplaced anger at Arie, but Grey Mousie can take it.
“Chris Harrison is an apologist and an asshole,” Rich observes.
Chris whines about how badly he’s been beaten up on social media. Whatever Chris. We all know you serve the Dark Lord. Your spray tan’s orangeness is directly proportional to the negative energy you have consumed, and you are Fanta orange, my friend. You cannot hide from me.
Then after a commercial, Lauren comes out. Lauren says that Arie reached out via Instagram on New Year’s Eve and asked if she was open to having a conversation.
Chris asks Lauren what she loves about Arie. She says, “The one thing that’s present to me right now is his bravery and his honesty and I think that he did an amazing job handling this whole thing and he couldn’t have gone about it in a more respectful way.”
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?
DOES LAUREN HAVE STOCKHOLM SYNDROME?
He broke up with Becca on TV while every agonizing moment was filmed rather than, say, privately like a normal human being.
We need to get her out of there. We need to deprogram her.
Arie says that no love story is perfect…except that’s exactly what this show sells.
Dewey is now moving in to steal my water while Fisher observes, eager to learn.
So then Arie proposes to Lauren and she accepts.
NO LAUREN. RUN! RUN! GET OUT!
UGH.
WHY?
I JUST.
HE NEEDS TO BE ALONE FOREVER. ANY WOMAN IS TOO GOOD FOR HIM. ANY HUMAN IS TOO GOOD FOR HIM. INTESTINAL PARASITES ARE TOO GOOD FOR HIM.
Then Chris says he’s going to announce the new Bachelorette and I’m so over this.
So Becca K will be the next Bachelorette which doesn’t surprise anyone. The other women from this season run out and cuddle her on the couch.
“She’s going to be the best Bachelorette,” Kendall says.
“You got this, girl,” Sienne adds.
“Now you get to be the center of attention and you deserve this so much,” says Tia.
Then Chris Harrison asks them about how the show brings women together in sisterhood.
SHUT THE FUCK UP CHRISTOPHER YOU DON’T GET TO TALK ABOUT SISTERHOOD. GO SIT IN YOUR CORNER.
So then we get a commercial and then Becca gets to meet some of the contestants for her upcoming season.
First up is Lincoln who 1. has a sexy accent and 2. is truly adorable and sweet. He says, “Arie is a wanker.”
I like Lincoln
Then we get Chase. Both Lincoln and Chase have said “journey” so take two shots.
Then Ryan comes out wearing a jacket that seriously looks like a couch my Nana had and plays Becca a song on his banjo.
Darius comes out next and flirts charmingly. He formally apologizes for the male gender.
Then this dude leads a horse into the studio and I’m like, is the horse a contestant? The horse’s name in Bradley. The dude is Blake. Despite the fact that there are serious wardrobe challenges with the cut of her dress, Blake helps her “get back on the horse.”
And that’s it. The Bachelorette starts May 28th and I’m way more invested in Becca’s search for love than Arie’s. Seriously. Fuck that guy.
Dewey and Fisher say goodnight and thank you for joining me in this journey.
What did you think of this season? Will you be watching The Bachelorette?
Thank you for gifting us with pictures of your cats! They are the perfect fluffy embodiment of all that is good and pure and true, and therefore the perfect antidote to the Rose God and his hellspawn minions.
ABC is diabolical. They have played their cards so brilliantly that I kind of have to applaud them even though I’m hoping they all get eaten by intestinal worms.
First, they cast a manipulative, lying douchebag with no discernible personality and set up a curious weird bland season.
Then, they arrange to humiliate the season’s winner as brutally as possible — in the process getting good ratings and building up a lot of love and support for her. The whole country wants good things for Becca now.
And then they announce her as the new Bachelorette, thus virtually assuring that its next season’s ratings will be high because now everyone is genuinely invested in poor Becca having nice things.
*slow clap*
Very well played, ABC. Very well played.
I know I’m in the minority, but I wanted to see Becca tell ABC that they could not possibly pay her enough to let them make any more money off her emotional pain. They’ve already demonstrated that they could not care less about her well-being if it makes them money. BUT maybe she’s playing the long game. Maybe she’s concluded that she should take their money and use her position as Bachelorette to Burn This Shit Down From The Inside, in which case, more power to her.
Also all the other women are awesome, especially Bekah M.
I skipped the parts about the show and just read about the cats. It’s far more interesting
I wondered yesterday if Fisher was affiliated with your cat café. Yay for stories with happy endings!
There has to be a clause in the contract that states if you “lose” and they pick you to be the star of the next season, you have to do it, simply because I cannot imagine any amount of money, travel, and booze that would make another “journey” down this road seem like a good idea, particularly without the female bonding aspect to add some value.
Or maybe you get so sick of being part of the sideshow, being promoted to ringmaster and making others jump through the flaming hoops has some appeal. It’s like a villain origin story–you become that which destroyed you.
That really supports the idea of usurping Chris Harrison on the path to achieving the final form of the Rose God, though. Here’s hoping Becca is the general who transforms her contestants into an army that rises up in the season finale to install her on the throne.
When I saw this headline, my first thought was, “will there be pictures of Fisher and Dewey?” You did not disappoint.
Again, thank you for watching these train wrecks so we don’t have to.
The cats are adorable!
You are right that intestinal worms are too good for Arie. I want him to live a long life alone with his douchery. (to borrow from the Princess Bride). I really wish Becca and Lauren had worked together to sacrifice him to the rose gods.
Kitties! Thank you for sharing the pictures.
The rest is just noise that I choose not to listen to. Geez Louise these people are terrible.
Thank you for the pictures of the kitties – they are toots adorbs!
And they are so much better than the crap from ABC.
Lauren should have ditched his butt on national tv after watching what he did to Becca.
Kitties kitties kitties! They are the only redeeming part of this. It warmed my heart to read about you caring for poor Fisher. The little puffnfluff is so lucky you came into his life. You are good people!!
Thank you for sacrificing yourself for us and for the adorable kitties!! I will definitely not be watching next season but I will read any and all recaps.
Excellent use of kitty photos.
Now we just need Arie to take full credit for Becca becoming the bachelorette and the circle will be complete.
The kitty pics were well placed – just where I needed them to bring me down a notch so I could continue with the recap of the episode. Although, I’m really just here for the kitties.
I needed the kitty photos to soothe my soul after the horror show that was on my TV last night, so those are much appreciated. Fisher is adorable and seeing his little kitty face might have convinced me that our sweet cat Oscar needs a little brother or sister. He has a love/hate/heavy on the hate relationship with our dog but I think he could use some kitty companionship. Ugh OK last night was so bad that even after pouring myself a second adult beverage I still could not make it to the end. I turned it off after Arie talked to Becca because I just did not want to see any more Arie. I’m glad Becca is getting her shot if that’s what she wants but I agree with Anonymous above that it would have been much more personally satisfying to see her walk off stage with her head and middle finger held high, never to allow those producers to humiliate her for ratings again.
The only upside to this is this recap and all of the ways that Arie and Chris Harrison were mercilessly dragged on Twitter last night. I was legit cackling watching the #AfterTheFinalRose hashtag unfold. I hope Lauren sees what happened and dumps him. That was so sweet and compassionate of all the girls to remind people that she has no idea what went down … yet. I really hope she sees it and isn’t convinced by Arie not to watch it.
I’ve never even watched this show, but got sucked into all the Internet outrage and now loathe Arie (and Chris). LOL.
Arie is a weak, spineless worm and I hate that we didn’t get to see any justice in the form of a major comeuppance for him. But that’s what usually happens in life, that the douchebags skate free and prosper.
But the producers of the show! I’m both awed and repulsed by their level of cynical manipulation of the contestants and viewers. I can totally envision them twirling their mustaches and snickering.
Thanks to Dewey and Fisher for bringing some joy and purity of heart back to a world despoiled by these monsters. 🙂
Recap of the recap:
“Aww, adorable Dewey, you finally have a kitten of your own!”
“Yay for sisterhood!”
*Laughing at the master level gif-fu*
“Shut up Arie/Chris Harrison/ABC/Rose God!”
I’d like to reinforce this point:
They also ask that people not pick on Lauren for her decision because Lauren didn’t see what Arie did to Becca the way everyone else did. Yay sisterhood and looking beyond manipulative editing.
I hope Becca K actually chose to be the next Bachelorette and it wasn’t a contractual obligation. As someone already mentioned, Becca can do anything in her season, and ABC will just have to deal. Maybe finish her season without getting engaged? Burn down the Rose God’s Sanctuary? Eat on camera?
I still think ABC should fund a reality were people have to choose a single pet from a shelter and are rewarded with all pet-related expenses for three months (shots/vets/food/toys/etc).
The Bitchery will definetly tune in for that, considering the response to Fisher. Which I totally want to hug for crying when his bottom got wet.
So, I had to watch the hideous breakup on fast forward and let me tell ya’ll…even on fast forward there are HUGE stretches of time involving Arie staring at a crying Becca, whose body language is screaming “GO AWAY NOW”. What a clueless, clueless guy. I really don’t know what he has to offer any woman, given he has the emotional maturity of an infant. Yet, Lauren is somehow in love with him, so maybe he has an amazing wang. Hell if I know.
Part of me feels guilty even watching, as anything that makes money for such callous treatment of people’s feelings is disgusting. I’m so conflicted.
In happier news, Fisher is ADORABLE. His cute kitty face makes me want to adopt a baby brother for my two girls at home…not sure if they would claw his face off, though. It’s great that Fisher and Dewey are getting along!
Thank you for all the pics and comments of Dewey and Fisher. Without them I don’t think anyone would have survived this. Least of all Arie. For all of you reading about rich European heroes, THIS. THIS IS WHAT THEY ARE REALLY LIKE.
I vote we take all the money Chris and Arie were paid for this season and give it all to Safe Haven Pet Sanctuary.
@Maite – everything you said, YES QUEEN! (I’ve been watching the new Queer Eye on Netflix, so this is my new fav phrase…now THAT is a reality show with happy feelings and respect for the people on its show).
Elyse, you are my hero. Jeez louise this show…
Saw on Buzzfeed people are sending Becca money to buy a drink via Venmo. Love that.
“Is this horse a contestant?” *snort*
It makes sense, in a way, since they’ve already had an ass.
@Issa Arie is now claiming he filmed the break-up because he wanted Becca to be the next bachelorette. Could this tool get any more toolish?
OMG Angie Brunk, are you kidding me? I have no words.
Kitties >>> reality TV! My rescued boy (Milo) sends purrs and a few playful pounces to Dewey and Fisher…so glad you were able to welcome the little guy into your home and that those two are bonding so well. (The water glass story/photo just cracked me up!! #sotrue)
First?
Thank you for your service and sacrifices.
Second?
I have learned to NEVER DRINK while reading your posts, as liquids exiting the nose are deeply painful.
Finally?
The names of the producers need to be as publicized and denigrated as Arie and Chris.
Because this clusterfuck cruelty was *their* call.
OMG What if… I’m almost afraid to say this, but WHAT IF Arie dumps Lauren before the Bachelorette starts, and then he’s one of the contestants in Becca’s show?
Also, thank you for the Dewey & Fisher pics. They were lifesavers.
@Bea — I agree with you, particularly as Arie is so stupid that it would be very easy to get him to do this while making him think it was all his idea.
According to Wikipedia, the producers are Mike Fleiss and Lisa Levenson.
I have always avoided Reality TV, because of it’s innate fakitude. (Exception: I kind of like it as a plot device in a contemporary romance. I know, weird, huh?)(Exception to the exception: Not Gibson’s latest.) Now, though, I find myself totally gobsmacked by my addiction to Elyse’s play-by-play, leavened by kittehs. Y’all rock for gifting Fisher a couple of his lives back. So thanks for cats being adorable and Arie being a beast.
LOL
Arie banned from Minnesota?
(Now he’d HAVE to leave Becca alone, right?)
https://www.marieclaire.com/celebrity/a19176592/minnesota-bill-bans-bachelor-arie-luyendyk-jr/
Loved hearing about Dewey and Fisher. I have two one year old kitties (half sisters, we think) and I know what you mean about the “thundering hooves” noises when they chase around. Thanks for sharing. And for saving me from watching The Bachelor, which sounds like the dumbest program ever. Your commentary, however, has been hilarious. Thanks for sharing that as well.
OK. Since Rich is obviously taken, I’m nominating Fisher for next bachelor. He’s way cuter and he’d be honest about his emotions. Gotta love a good purrrr
“Arie, I sincerely hope it hurts when you poop.”
LMAO
Thanks for the cat pictures. 🙂
I live in the Twin Cities. There are #Team Becca billboards up all over town.
http://www.etonline.com/becca-kufrin-gets-17-billboards-of-support-across-the-country-after-she-gets-dumped-on-bachelor
The following article reveals some of the franchise’s contractual [ahem] quirks. (Seems like Becca had no option to tell the producers to go to hell, since she was under contract to ABC for a full year no matter what.) Yikes, THE BACHELOR makes FAUST look like a lighthearted romp:
http://www.vulture.com/2018/03/the-bachelor-worst-rules-reality-tv.html
(Meanwhile, the Arizona Coyotes revealed that Jason Demers did not watch the show’s final three episodes, and accused him of reading blog posts to catch up! He had to have come here…at least I choose to think so.)
http://abcnews.go.com/Politics/minn-lawmaker-drafts-bill-banning-bachelor-star-entering/story?id=53626331
IDK if this has been posted here already, but I thought it was too funny.
@Demi
I don’t watch reality TV. Never have, zero interest. I love these recaps because Elyse is amazing. Read every one of them. Your comment, however, made me check out Queer Eye and I am hooked. Thank you for mentioning the show. Yes positive, affirming, they don’t try to change so much as make a more ‘elevated you’, and it is magic.