If I were single, ten years younger, and a dental hygienist, I would totally try out for The Bachelor. Maybe that surprises those of you who know me for who I am: a pixie-haired, foul mouthed, eye-rolling feminist. But here’s the thing–I contend that no one actually participates in The Bachelor in order to win The Bachelor. He’s the shittiest prize of all. No, my friends, I am here for the amazing free travel and potential for new friendships.
Think about it: the contestants on The Bachelor get to globe-trot in high style while ABC foots the bill–and the longer you stay on the show, the better the destinations get. Bali. Fiji. New Zealand. The Swiss Alps. Bora Bora. I could do so much amazing beach reading in Saint Tropez.
And, unlike every contestant who has ever uttered the words, “I am not here to make friends,” I would TOTALLY be there to make friends. I mean, I’m sure The Bachelor is great and all, but the odds of falling in love with him versus finding a meaningful friendship among thirty other women are slim. So while the show technically isn’t about female friendship and world travel, I’m gonna pretend it is.
Now, I’ve put some thought into this, and there are two ways to reap the most benefits from being on The Bachelor.
- Being the runner up who later (usually) gets her own show.
- Being the Dark Horse who typically lasts until almost the end because the producers won’t let The Bachelor eliminate her.
I feel like number two is more in my wheelhouse. The Dark Horse is the contestant who is clearly devoted to The Bachelor while also being simultaneously bizarre and erratic. The Dark Horse stirs shit up. I remember a past season where — upset she was left out of a date — a contestant crouched in the corner of the room, rocking back and forth, sobbing and muttering gibberish to herself. It was like Gollum but with mascara tears.
In order to fill this ultra-important role the contestant has to demand constant attention from The Bachelor–I’m talking plant your butt on the sidewalk and sit with arms outstretched while wailing and demanding “uppie” like a sugar-high toddler. Her behavior has to be outrageous enough to controversial and annoying, but not bad enough for anyone to legitimately question her mental health, thereby guaranteeing that she can’t be eliminated because she makes for good TV.
Man, I would be so good at that. I could plan my gorgeous Nevis vacation with my new best friend Rebecca and every now and then just sob on command while demanding The Bachelor carry me because the sand hurts my feet and the sunshine reminds me of my dead Pop-Pop. I’m incoherent and demanding most of the time anyway.
But Elyse, you say, what about The Fantasy Suite. You might have to sleep with this guy. Pffffft. I’ve already thought this through: I’d just claim some made up moral reason for not having premarital sex and then read to The Bachelor from my “dream journal” until he drinks himself into unconsciousness.
So now that you know my feelings surrounding The Bachelor aka We’re In It For the Consolation Prize, it’s time to bust out the Kraken and Coke, queue up season 21 and see what’s going on.
This season’s bachelor is a guy named Nick who was rejected on The Bachelorette two years ago but whose “heart is ready for love.” Now this is a guy who believes (supposedly) that he will find true love among thirty strangers, with cameras rolling, producers stepping in, and his family and friends (and total strangers) watching every intimate moment. He’s committed to this process…twice. Based on all of this info, it may not shock you that Nick is also a guy who said “I don’t know how to sit sideways on a couch. It’s hard.”
I’m going to say something not nice here: I don’t think Nick is very smart. Bless his heart.
(Plot Twist: What if one of the women is Ashley of Ashley’s Furniture and Nick’s inability to successfully navigate basic living room furniture is the wedge that drives them apart?)
That’s actually everything you need to know about Nick. He’s been on TV before and he doesn’t understand couches.
Let’s move on to the more important part of this episode: the women. Now the first show is always a parade of ladies getting out of limousines, meeting The Bachelor, and trying to make an impression on him immediately so as not to be eliminated. The contestants include a lawyer, a tri-lingual special education teacher, a NICU nurse, a doula, and several entrepreneurs. OMG. The wine-soaked slumber party conversation potential there is amazing. We could get Nick settled on the sofa, carefully obviously, and then move on to a nice cabernet and pillow talk. There could be snacks.
There are always a couple of strange arrivals in the parade of limos–people who go overboard with the attention-getting. This year is was a woman who came in a shark costume –and why not? you do you girl–and the woman who rode in on a camel.
The camel one made me a little sad, honestly, because I think the camel fully expected to be allowed to participate in The Rose Ceremony. The camel showed up with her A-game, her heart ready to accept love, her eyelashes on point, and then she was rejected summarily, without even the opportunity for a token hug.
After Nick has met everyone and we get some of their hometown backstories, he gets to mingling. It’s here I realize that while we’ve seen clips of young business women getting shit done and nurses caring for tiny babies and mental health professionals helping patients, we still haven’t established what Nick does for a living. At this point (and I’m super straight on the Kinsey scale) I would marry any one of those women over Nick. Even the one in the shark costume. Especially the one in the shark costume.
While the women try to spend time with Nick, there’s a great cut away scene where we see them tossing snacks into Shark Costume Girl’s mouth and cheering. BEST SLUMBER PARTY EVER. I KNEW IT.
At one point Shark Girl waded into the pool while making dolphin calls and Nick (previously beset by women) appeared out of thin air. I can only speculate that wasn’t 100% certain that she was not a real shark-dolphin in distress.
We should probably also talk about Liz at this point. Liz previously met Nick at a wedding and slept with him, but decided not to give him her phone number. Now she’s back as a contestant. The fact that Liz and Nick had sex is being played up as some major plot point in this whole thing, which baffles me. So they had sex one time? Is Nick not allowed to have sex more than one time with anyone?
Remember the season where Sean Lowe was the “born again virgin” bachelor? I mean, kudos to Sean for understanding that virginity is purely a social construct, but is there some secret thing where The Bachelor can only have sex so many times and then he dies? Like he can’t have sex with any women? Or he can only have sex with one woman once? Or twice but only if she wears a shark outfit?
I’m so confused right now.
Before The Dreaded Rose Ceremony, Chris Hanson has to show up to have some bro-time with Nick. I assume that, after hours alone with thirty women, the two have to talk about sportsball, male enhancement pills, beef jerky, and Tom Selleck in order to get their testosterone back to acceptable levels. Once done, Nick can go on to distributing roses to women he thinks he remembers from that evening.
One woman, Corrine, described The Dreaded Rose Ceremony as so harrowing she started to lose vision, shake uncontrollably and sweat profusely, and I was super worried she was having a diabetic episode. She was okay though, and there were lots of nurses in the group who (I’m sure) got her an orange juice and made her sit down for a bit.
Anyway, Liz gets to stay and Nick seems to remember her fondly which is a pretty decent outcome for any one night stand, I’d think. Shark-Dolphin-Girl gets to stay. The woman who rode in on the camel gets to stay. Corrine gets to stay and hopefully she gets her blood sugar looked at.
Nick gets to stay, too, because he’s The Bachelor, but I like to think that after the cameras stopped rolling, Chris Hanson escorted him back to his holding tank while the ladies changed into leggings and sweatshirts and toasted with champagne.
I’ve been watching this show for years and wrote recaps for my coworkers, so I’ll be back next week with more questions about blood sugar, shark costumes, and aspirational daydreams about contestant sleepovers featuring pajama jeans, chocolate popcorn, and wine. Are you a fan? Are you tuning in this year?
21 seasons? Tell me you are kidding. I remember when that show about kicking people off an island first came on. I am dating myself.
I won’t be tuning in, but I will be reading your recaps! Who needs the show when an entertaining recap will suffice? Rooting for shark/dolphin-girl’s happily ever after with or without the “prize.”
I’ve never watched this show or its spinoff, but I can already tell this is going to be my favorite SBTB column.
Also, regarding Kraken rum, which I totally noticed you mentioning in the podcast, might I suggest a Dark and Stormy (dark rum, ginger beer, and lime which is totally a requirement and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise because they don’t know what they are talking about)? Also, you might enjoy Cruzan Blackstrap rum, which has a deep molasses flavor and is killer in a Dark and Stormy, especially if you opt for Bundaberg ginger beer. NB, the bottle is not as pretty as Kraken.
@DreadPirateRachel
OMG that sounds so amazing. I know what I’m drinking this weekend
Team Dolphin-Shark.
Best. Description. Of. This. Show. EVER.
My new favorite post. Don’t need the show. Just more of Elyse. Lots more!!!
I don’t watch The Bachelor because I’m not straight enough on the Kinsey scale and just from this recap I’d totally date the girl in a shark costume. But I will follow the recaps because OMG THE HARROWING ROSE CEREMONY humanity needs to know who will survive. And also if Nick will ever learn how to use couches, I guess.
(I think I’d date every girl on the show rather than Nick. Aside from Corrine, possibly, she sounds like a handful.)
I am not tuning in, but I will religiously read your recaps, which will be waaaaay more entertaining than I find the show.
I vote for cocktail pairings (recipes) with these recaps. You know, like what the women should drink after Nick is led back into his cage every night and they are free to be normal.
I am not tuning in. But I will happily read your recaps!
I’ve only watched a couple few episodes over the years, usually peaking from behind my finger because I have a low tolerance for watching people embarrassing themselves on tv (true story, I’ve never been able to watch an entire Seinfeld episode, and I’m a gen-Xer – it’s practically a generational requirement to be able to quote that show).
But, ever since reading about the two contestants on the Australian Bachelor who fell in love with each other instead of with the bachelor dude, I’ve kind of *wished* I could watch this show.
TL;DR – I refuse to watch the show, but I’m HERE for your recaps. And I think your strategy is an A+ winning strategy. I’d give you a rose.
Yay! Looking forward to your recaps! I love watching this just for the ridiculousness. Plus, I would totally be in on those slumber parties!
Hey- The host’s name is Chris HARRISON. I’m sure someone already told you but I had to let this out. 🙂
@Cleo – I thought that was just me!! I’m a millenial, but it’s the same reaction I have.
Will not be watching the Bachelor – but will ABSOLUTELY be reading the recaps. This is way more fun, anyway. 🙂
Fabulous recap!
@erin OMG you’re right! I was thinking of The To Catch a Predator guy…-and I still spelled it wrong. Sigh
It’s not “Who Wants To Marry A Millionaire” and it never will be. 🙂
Yes I am tuning in. This show is the pretty much the only reason I have an active twitter account – It’s such a relief to know I’m not the only one who started out hate watching only to find myself strangely invested in who “finds love”. I agree on the vacation being the best reason to take part – though as a counterpoint it’s hard to get beach reading done when they don’t let you bring books
I haven’t watched for a while but am totally into this season! This guy got kicked off TWO seasons of the Bachelorette. If I was 3 inches taller and 20 ibs lighter, im a school nurse which is almost as good as a dental hygienist, I would totally go on the Bachelor. They have some great perks for former contestants, like free cruises and stuff. It does seam like a fun way to make new friends, and it’s hard to meet other young women in a way that doesn’t make them think you want to date them.
OMG, this recap is amazing.
I watched one season of this show like fifteen years ago and absolutely adored Burning Love (parody of The Bachelor and Bachelorette), but I will definitely be following this column. <3
I am so, so happy that you are recapping this!! I am
proudsorry to say that I have watched every season of the Bachelor. Don’t know why, but I just can’t stop. My husband watches it with me–we sit on the couch after the kids have gone to bed and drink adult beverages and eat chocolate and snark on the Bachelor, it’s like our Monday night date. I hated the Bachelor from last season, Ben Higgins. Every time he spoke it was like listening to a church youth minister. At least Nick seems to have made some mistakes in his life. Plus while he may not be very smart, and he may talk like he’s got a mouthful of marbles, he’s certainly easy on the eyes. I thought your analysis of the potential outcomes for the contestants was spot on. I have given this some thought, and come to the conclusion that if I was to go on this show (and I would have to be at least 15 years younger and much more perky) I would be shooting for 5th place. In 5th place, you’ve been there long enough to participate in most of the travel and make some great friends, and you’ve definitely gotten your pass to the post-Bachelor events for former contestants, which look like they would be a barrel of drunken fun. But you don’t have to take the Bachelor home for an awkward family dinner, nor do you necessarily have to sleep with him (although if he looks like Nick, well….). So yeah, 5th place would be the ideal. However I do always end up rooting for the two “winners” to stay together, even when they are both complete toolbags. It’s the romance reader in me, looking for the HEA.@cleo, @anna – I am hardly a millennial (I think one of my kids might be) but i also have trouble watching people embarrass themselves (or others, really) on TV. Thank goodness we have Elyse to keep us up to date on these shows. If only she could throw in a a few Seinfeld quotes.
I watched part of an episode of this by mistake but was turned off by the poor acting. I mean some of these women could hardly convince me that they wanted to be in the same room as some of these douche-bag guys much less be in LUVVV with him. I mean high school level acting ability and super awkward yearning looks at the guy who was looking them over like someone shopping for the best porkchop.
BUT I would so watch this with you guys, some adult beverages and snark talk.
I’ve been watching this show since it first aired in 2002. My parents thought it would be a good show to watch as a family so watch it we all did. Since then only one bachelor has been awful enough to turn me off (come on, Juan Pablo, really??). For me, the show isn’t about the hope of finding true love (though it’s really great when it actually happens) but rather about watching how people interact with each other when the public is expecting very certain things from them. I love seeing the strong friendships that come out of the show and I enjoy being part of conversations about really problematic things that happen on the show and how we can work to fix those things. Recently, I’ve managed to get my husband into it. And he’s really into it. He even participates in a Bachelor fantasy league. No joke. We are both major fans of Rachel this season. I will be devastated if she doesn’t become the next Bachelorette.
I’m thrilled to see that my fave book site will be following along with the only current tv show I keep up with. If anyone would like more fun and hilarity along with Elyse’s column, I highly recommend the podcast Rose Buddies. It’s a married couple who provide hilarious and on point commentary after every episode. Check it out!
Love the show love the recap. It was my husband’s and my favorite guilty pleasure to watch and dissect together. Now he works nights and we don’t have dvr, so it’s a no-go, but i do enjoy reading about it.
Not ever interested in the show, but I am here for your recaps! Team Shark/Dolphin Girl! (Sharfin? Dolk?)
Wasn’t there a book with a heroine who could talk to dolphins? Seems like it was a YA book… No, I am not googling that. I do NOT want to know what book blurbs I’ll end up reading.
Yes, Team Sharfin for the win! And thank you Elyse, for this opportunity to enjoy the ridiculousness of the Bachelor without having to ponder why would any of these women want that guy?
I’ve never seen so much diversity in a Bachelor cast which is super sad tbh. But it makes me hope we may get a black Bachelorette???
This season is going to be a trainwreck AND I AM HERE FOR IT. I didn’t watch Nick’s seasons but I did just watch him on BiP s3.
Just want to take a minute and plug THE ONE by Danielle Allen if you’re into The Bachelor. Super cute book with a Bachelor plot.
@Maite- You’re probably thinking of A RING OF ENDLESS LIGHT. I loved that book growing up.
I would only watch The Bachelor if you paid me (I get enough of the interchangeable Ken-doll bachelors, who I find completely believable as People Who Cannot Convince Someone to Marry Them in Real Life, via their inevitable follow-up appearances on Dancing with the Stars) but I am definitely in for the recaps.
I have never had any interest in watching the show but I am SO DOWN for your reviews.
“We could get Nick settled on the sofa, carefully obviously…”
SO excited for these recaps. I’ve watched the Bachelor through many seasons but I’m skipping this one as I just can’t get past how annoying Nick is. Or maybe he’s not as bad as he’s been portrayed, but watching 3 seasons of him is enough for me. I love making fun of and dissecting the Bachelor, especially after Unreal came out and gave me a behind the scenes view of the production…but I like to at least pretend that the lead is taking this seriously. That’s just not possible with hapless Prince Nick.
Never seen an episode of the Bachelor in its entirety, but I’ve seen its excellent parody Burning Love. It was quite prescient in featuring a costumed contestant in Episode 1. Perhaps that was Shark Girl’s inspiration? Link below (contains spoilers for the episode)
https://youtu.be/YrRSRBVDuqc
Two of the contestants on the latest season of the Australian Bachelor have become close friends – very close friends. Megan Marx had already refused a rose in a “shock exit” (also described as “about the only real thing to happen so far this season.”) She and fellow contestant Tiffany Scanlon have now confirmed that they are dating.
Elyse, you are fantastic. Btw I wonder if I showed up in a shark costume if my husband would’ve made a move that much sooner.. I will have to tell all my single friends to try this #teamshark/dolphingirl.