I did not learn about sex from romance novels, thank God, but I know a lot of women who (at least partially) did. I was fortunate enough to have a mother who treated sex in a completely matter of fact way–it was part of being an adult and there was no shame involved in discussing it. As a result, even at the tender age of fifteen I approached romance novel sex with some skepticism. When I first started reading romance the sex scenes were the sort of vague, purple-prose laden encounters that involved a lot of shattering into a million tiny pieces, flying apart into the sun, or the shimmering of colors behind closed eyelids. Basically it sounded a lot like a stroke and/or an acid trip. And the orgasms were always simultaneous.
Now there are as many different types of sex scenes as there are romance novels. Variety is a good thing, usually. But for every delicious Victoria Dahl or Maisey Yates bearded cowboy love-scene, there's also a sex scene out there that is either improbable, anatomically impossible or horrifically painful to think about. Below are the Big Ten things I hate in sex scenes. Brace yourself. And, obviously, this review contains strong language and adult situations and all that shit.
1. Velvet Covered Steel
No, that's not a name for a Glam Metal band. It's the description of every hero's erection ever. It's not bad, I'm just sick of reading it
2. Sex On a Horse
What the actual fuck, people. I read this a lot in Old Skool romances. I actually remember reading a book where the horse was “frightened by the scent of their lovemaking.” I wish I could remember which book, but I don't. Now, I agree that plenty of fondling or even a Handy-J could occur while on horseback, but actual intercourse? That is the most chill horse ever. Every horse I've ever ridden has waited for me to stop paying attention to try and brush me against a tree or something.
Plus how does that work? You'd have to a Russian gymnast and a trick rider to contort your body enough to stay on the horse and achieve penetration. And then you'd have to move. If I was a horse, I would not put up with that shit.
3. The Chinese Finger Trap
This is when the hero's peen is so goddamned big he has to work to get inside the heroine, then once he is in, the magical vadge doesn't want to let go. Example from The Immortal Highlander by Karen Marie Moning (which is actually a great book, BTW):
“Easy, Gabrielle. Relax,” he gritted.
She tried, but she couldn't; it was instinctive to resist, and they waged a silent sexual battle for a few moments, where he hardly gained another inch. Her muscles were bearing down on him, resisting his steely intrusion.
He sucked in a hissing breath through clenched teeth. “Gabrielle, you're killing me; you have to let me in.”
“I'm trying,” she wailed.
I know there are fetishes about putting really large things inside vaginas, but I would think that in course of regular intercourse, if you have to fight to get the penis in, it's going to hurt. When I read the above passage and she instinctively resisted, I assumed that instinct was born of pain. If you need a shoehorn and a bottle of Wesson Oil to get down to business, then as a reader, I'm cringing.
4. Gushing, Weeping and Seeping
Anytime the heroine is doing one of these three things I assume she's got some sort of infection going on. Enough said.
5. Womb Clenching
The heroine is having SO MUCH FUN her womb is clenching. Now, to be fair, the uterus contracts during orgasm, so technically womb clenching is going on. But every time I read that her womb is clenching I think she's having a menstrual cramp or a contraction. I mean, “clench” has such negative connotations. You clench your fists, your teeth, your butt cheeks. Why is her womb clenching? Is it angry?
6. This Sentence:
His fingers drifted over [her breasts] again, gently scissoring her nipples. (The Greek's Million-Dollar Baby Bargain by Julia James).
You know what two words NEVER belong in a sentence together? Nipples and scissors.
7. Easy-A
And that A stands for anal. Anal is like the new virginity in contemporaries. The heroine has likely had sexual partners by the time she's met the hero, but she's never had anal. And he's going to go where no man has gone before. That's not the part that pisses me off.
The part that pisses me off is that the heroine has enjoyable anal sex without any preparation or, occasionally, lubricant. The hero magically gets his whole wang in there without causing her any discomfort or pain because he strokes her clit or something like that. Along with misplaced hymens, romance novel heroines are apparently born with very loose sphincter muscles.
8. The Third Arm
No, I'm not making a penis reference here. This is when the hero and heroine are getting it on missionary style and he reaches down to rub her clitoris while still keeping himself propped up over her and gently stroking her cheek.
Wait, what?
Or sometimes (especially in Old Skools) he wipes her tears away with both his thumbs while again, staying propped up on top of her.
Either he's got a friend hiding behind the curtains on the canopy bed, sneaking in to help a bro out or he's got the most amazing ab muscles ever. He can do a plank without his arms, motherfucker. Now that's a hero.
9. Three's a Crowd
I've read my fair share of menage scenes. I'm always amazed when the heroine has sex with two dudes for the first time and no one falls down, tips over, or slips out. Double penetration is apparently only slightly harder than anal for a newcomer (hur hur). And how is it that when she's with two different dudes (maybe even three) the dudes never touch.
I'm thinking specifically of the Maya Banks' Colter series. The Colter brothers share a woman, and engage in four-way sex with her, but they never ever touch because that would incest, I guess. C'mon. Someone is going to brush a thigh or suddenly get a handful of his brother's balls. It's just going to happen.
And my all time least favorite?
10. Cervical Penetration
The hero's wang is so amazingly big that the heroine can “feel him in her womb.” Well I fucking hope not. For that to happen he'd have to push through the cervix and anyone who has had an IUD placed can tell you that you don't want anything pushing through your cervix. I'm breaking out in a cold sweat just thinking about it. Here's a passage from Passion by Lisa Valdez that will induce a PTSD flashback in anyone who has Mirena IUD:
On a low moan, her cunt began to draw. With the first strong, sucking pull, Mark bore down with all his strength, grinding the swollen head of his cock against the opening to her womb.
There are so many, many things wrong here.
1. It's a vagina, not an octopus. It's not drawing or sucking anything into it's maw.
2. Is the vagina moaning? Because grammatically, it is.
3. YOU DON'T WANT ANYTHING PUSHING INTO THE OPENING OF YOUR WOMB. At this point the heroine should be screaming in pain or least saying “FUCK!” really loudly, and not in the good way.
Passion also contains the following passage:
He choked back a groan and bit into her pale shoulder as he thrust against the tight, tilting fingers of flesh that protected Passion's womb.
I've checked. There are no fingers growing out of my cervix. If there were, I'd be in the ER right now breathing into a paper bag. Also, are cervix fingers like chicken fingers?
So what about you? What drives you nuts about romance novel sex in the not-so-good way?
Funny as hell, but some points.
1. There’s a condition called vaginismus: the involuntary tightening of the vagina during attempted intercourse. I know of a number of women who didn’t manage to get deflowered the first time out, me included.
2. The hymen. Think of a tunnel with a small, stretchy hole at the beginning, right? Then try to push a penis/pole/vibrator/whatever in there. You can get the head in, get it partway in before the small, stretchy hole rips completely. Therefore it feels like the hymen is halfway down there cause that’s when the pain comes. Remember that every women who wrote a deflowering scene has been deflowered, and while our memories are a little cloudy because of nerves and distance. we still remember. And it doesn’t hurt that much at the very beginning, where they hymen is. it hurts when they’re partway in.
3. The cul-de-sac. Around the cervix (which yes, hurts when you bang against it, some more than others) the vagina continues upward into an area called the cul-de-sac. I guess I didn’t read the Valdez book close enough, but when there’s a big wang going further into the vagina than no man has gone before I assume he’s crammed up into the cul-de-sac. (I know of this because during my 7 years of infertility crap they wanted to bypass the cervix with my husband’s sperm, and they wanted to use a needle that was ten inches long to do it. That was when I said enough was enough).
4. Horses—as people have noted, certain horses, like the one in Prince of Midnight, can be so well trained and calm that careful stuff can be done.
Basically, if the writing is good enough I’ll go with a suspension of disbelief. In real life most women I know do not like anal sex, even after trying it a few times. Reading it makes it sound hot as hell.
One last thing. My gender-queer child said she thought of anal sex as vanilla sex. I told her it was more like chocolate. She was not amused.
Love this Blog Subject. Please feel the need to visit this AGAIN.My peeve is sex that goes TOO Fast. Nora Roberts is the Queen of This. She Tells more than Shows. Less Talking More doing Please Nora! Let’s put down sex on a horse and go with sex on a saddle. Kate Pearce’s book ROPING THE WIND Has a scene that is not to be missed. I loved this sex scene so much that I photocopied it and read it again yesterday after all the talk about horses and such! I also like that she commented on this blog earlier in the posts about this subject. But Everyone, it totally depends on the characters and if you ARE JUST WILLING TO GO WITH IT OR NOT. I usually go with it because this shit can be sexually hot and I like that. I do so hope word get out and AUTHORS do read this and then will decide for themselves how they will proceed with how they will present their scenes from here on out. Please visit this again because reading the comments was JUST GOLDEN IN AND OF ITSELF.
@Anne Stuart – You make excellent points in your comment. As another vaginismus sufferer (and man, it DID hurt), it’s reassuring somehow to hear that there are others. That was back before the Internet and sharing of personal matters, so I suffered pretty much in silence.
Your description of the sensation of the location of the tearing hymen explains perfectly why SO many people think that there’s a plug up there inside.
The rich diversity of comments to this article show how different our individual tolerances are for images of sex. Some of it may even be cultural. I recently learned that men in some parts of Africa abhor the idea of vaginal secretions and insist that women prepare their tissues with solutions that make them as dry as possible. While I suppose that may increase the sensation due to the friction, it increases women’s vulnerability to tears and STDs.
What we do for love.
Sorry, I forgot to add that there are a number of women writing sexy romance that includes the real life experience of lovemaking—-misplaced elbows, elusive orgasms, wet spots and all—-and still manage to be steamy and satisfying. I’ve just finished several Jennifer Crusies where the heroines’ getting off almost got away due to various problems. Charlotte Stein writes hot and realistic, as does Megan Hart. However, you have to be able to handle the C-word and gush-iness to get there.
That would actually be a welcome follow up to this excellent discussion: Which writers do other readers turn to for the sexy times they weave?
I’m not sure why people are so bothered by virgins orgasming during their first time…
I was by no means sheltered, I knew all about sex in theory, but I’d never actually seen a cock up close, much less touched one … until I met the man who is now my fiancé.
My first time was painless and not only did I orgasm, I jumped him again for two more rounds. Sans fumbling. Oh and he hadn’t had sex for at least a year prior to it.
Am I a glitch in the statistics? The 0.1% in the 99.9%?
Re: scissors. I recently read a free romance e-book in which the H “gnawed” on the heroine’s breasts. No, no, no.
I couldn’t agree more, even though I am a man
I agree with most of these but I’ve had plenty of anal sex, including my first time, without “preparation,” meaning no fingers or stretching out. Also no lube, except of the his ‘n’ hers natural variety. And no I don’t have a loose sphincter, I just know how to relax. In fact I would say the necessity of being physically very deeply relaxed is a big part of the pleasure. Anyway, that one is definitely in the realm of reality.
I’ve come very late to the party, so almost all of my pet hates have been suitably dealt with. I do strongly object to ‘shattered into a million pieces’, and I have found myself putting down my ipad to work out just how they are physically managing to fit all those bits together. The lack of a fictional ‘wet patch’ has also worried me – in my more active youth I always tried to position myself on my partner’s side of the bed, as it was his fluid anyway, but today’s heroines don’t seem to suffer.
But then I have to remind myself that it’s fiction, it’s romance and ALL writers should be allowed a little leeway. They can’t please all of us all the time and the better writers (and you know who you are) are doing the best they can to take us out of our shitty lives for a while.
Seriously, I haven’t laughed so much for a long time.
Actually, the ones that really bother me are the sex scenes where the heroine ‘literally explodes’ or ‘literally caught fire’.
Neither of these possibilities sound desirable.
Catherine
lol woolly3
i love how you try to position yourself on his side bahahahaha
OMG I LAUGHED SO HARD!!!!!!!!
And the last one had me cringing, really, fingers??……..
*the horror*
Without a doubt the absolute funniest thing I have read in ages. You hit every nail on the head and I thank you. For the laugh and for the obvious! I will stick to the books that have actual realistic substance for the most part. I usually pass right through parts like these anyway as most the time they have no real need for it anyway. I would recommend Playing With Fire by Cassandra Bella, I just finished it and it was a great read without all the silly stuff. I mean it has it’s moments, but non like what you wrote above! Just thought I would throw out the suggestion, I will take any in return as well. Bella’s info at cassandrbella.net. A little bow chicka wow wow is fine, but let’s be real here folks! I am still laughing and have shared this post with a few ladies that I am sure will appreciate it as I did!
#3: I have to tell you, that DID happen to me for AGES when I first started having sex. It wasn’t a size thing or anything else like that, but something just locked the hell up down there and dude was not getting in. It took me a long time to learn how to relax properly. In fact I am pretty sure I had that exact conversation more than once, complete with wailing. So that one I’m giving a somewhat cringing pass.
You really make it seem really easy with your presentation but I
find this matter to be actually one thing which I believe I
might by no means understand. It seems too complex and extremely extensive
for me. I am taking a look forward on your next publish, I’ll try to get the hang of it!
Leanne looks like a spammer to me.
I’m with you on all these. Especially the virginal anal sex. No lube. And resulting multiple orgasms.
And lets talk about well, talking about it. I’m all for dirty talk. BUT not—“This is what I’m going to do… and I will pleasure you… and then…and next…”
Um, okay. When you’re done reading from your text book, can we get this on… Or?…
How about the hyper-sensitive vagina? Really? She can “feel every ridge”? Wow.
I think one of my biggest WTF? moments was the hero having such a large penis that she looked down and could SEE the outline of his penis in her stomach. Hmm. But that doesn’t quite work because she works out religiously (killer abs) and I didn’t remember reading that she suffered from a herina.
This same character rubbed the side of her face on his junk to mark herself with his scent. *after being at a concert all night, dancing. Which can only equal sweat. Oh yes… please describe that scent in detail.
Nipples. Or more specifically the word “areola”. Stop. Just stop. This word can also describe the inflamed area surrounding a massive pimple. Just saying…
Never given a blow job before? Never even touched a penis? Have no fear… you won’t gag, not know what to do with your hands, scrap anything with your teeth. No, no, no. You’ll deep throat like a pro and it’ll be the best he’s EVER HAD! And you’ll feel proud for a (blow) job well done.
He’s tall. She’s short. But when they have sex standing up they fit together “so perfectly”. How? Did she grow six inches? Does she have go-go gadget legs?
Gabi Daniels, I swear we are soul mates. I loved your comment on so many levels!
Thanks so much. Great read. Laughed and laughed.
My sympathies are with authors whose editors insist on more and more sex scenes, but when did they ever find themselves part of a scene like the ones they describe? Not often, I reckon, were their first experiences anything like the ones they create. Fumbling, uncertainties, laughs, pre, mid and post-talk by the female, performance anxiety by the virgin (and even the male) are too often invisible.
Re lush – it may mean a drunk in the US, but it usually has a lovely meaning in British English. It is like seeing “gotten” which is wince territory for us. Sadly, lush may need to be avoided, even though it has generous connotations elsewhere.
Gabi, you are so right—every bit as right as the original post that drew all these wonderful responses. It seems to me that what we all want is writing about sex that really is writing about sex—i.e. REAL sex as it is experienced by humans—and there’s only one way that’s going to happen. We—the writers among us—have to write those books. One at a time. Thinking while we do it, “Remember when he…” and “That’s when I…” And we have to do it in private, because otherwise people will see us blush as we remember how it really was, and not the idealised picture some publishers seem to want. But I do remember that time when he… No, Suzie. No! Stop now!
OMG, these are HILARIOUS. And so, so true. Thank you for pointing them out!! They should be required reading for anyone writing a sex scene.
OMG, clicked this link from one of my groups in goodreads and couldn’t stop laughing. I had to sit back and think of my book to remember if my sex scenes were described so horribly, or if there are any third arms, but thankfully no velvet covered steel. I prefer shaft , manhood, dick, or penis
Oh my god, I am crying actual tears. This is just the best. I am so glad my uni lecturer had the name of this article on her lecture slide. I seriously love this.
My biggest pet peeve is the “easy first time”. Like dude, I get that you want the sex to be all magical and stuff, but no friggin way is there not going to easy discomfort at all. Believe me on this one. Unless you’ve played with her enough to the point where she can’t feel you, there is going to be discomfort.
And since it’s a thing, first times for gay guys going off without a hitch. No. I know enough people who are into that to know that it is not just “oop, I slicked up my dick and now I’m in you”. There are a million tiny muscles there stopping you.
I swear, half the things I read are written by misinformed 14 year olds.
Amen, Madison. I’d better give a conflict of interest alert here, because K C Carlton is a fellow Mandrill Press author, but I liked what she did in her book, Winging It. Personally I didn’t feel the need to know quite so much about what men do when they’re in bed together (or, indeed, anything at all), but at least this—describing a young gay man’s first experience—was honest: “It did hurt, and I’m not going to pretend it didn’t. It hurt.” That’s reality, and as a reader reality is what I want. When it comes to mf scenes, which I’m a lot more attuned to, as writer or reader I need to feel some kind of shared experience with the woman/girl involved and if she goes through her early sexual encounters with no discomfort, no awkwardness and no thoughts of, “Surely this can’t be what we’re supposed to do,” then I’m afraid it isn’t going to feel real to me. (“Surely this can’t be what we’re supposed to do.” Please tell me I’m not the only person who ever thought that. “You want to do what? And put that thing where?).
I was just laughing my way through this post, and all the excellent comments that follow, laughing hysterically inside my head (4 small kids would want to see what I’m laughing at otherwise) and my middle child comes running through the living room yelling “chicka-chicka-boom-boom!”
I’m done now.
These really are great posts with some ideas that I’ll remember to and some…not to.
I think the velvet thing is a hoot. And yes, I hope it isn’t fuzzy too. That would be a real problem with oral sex, very drying and then there would be the problem of ingesting the fuzzy. After all, cats can handle fur, humans can’t. As to comparing a woman’s lower anatomy to a flower – really? I think you maybe – on a stretch could get away with that if the girl were a virgin. But that only works once, after all once picket, excuse the comparison, the flower is not longer “fresh”. BLAH that’s as bad as the comparison.
I do love (not) some of the stories that makes the hero as large as a horse. What girl/woman is going to submit to that? Well proportioned is good, but overkill, well, as men are so fond of saying, its not the size that counts but how you use it.
Good subject!
Sultr
Disturbingly enough this seems to happen fairly often to our heroes’ penises as well. In one of my favorite scenes from Tangled Webs by Anne Bishop the heroine is reading a novel and comes across a dubious sex scene. She asks her consort about it.
“When we have sex, does your penis weep with gratitude?”
A handful of answers flashed through his mind. If he said any of them, he would end up sleeping in the Consort’s room. Alone.
“In what context?” he asked.
She lowered the book. Since he’d acknowledged being awake, he raised his head and read the passage. Then he read it again.
“Sweetheart, if my penis ever does that, you will be the first to know. Not as my wife, but as a Healer.”
“That’s what I thought, but I wanted to be sure.”
That’s good enough for me, Kayla. I just downloaded my first Anne Bishop book, purely on the basis of this extract.
Loved all the comments. However, I read to escape into a fantasy, so some of the things discussed here are fine with me.
Also, I had no severe pain when my husband took my virginity. He had me so turned on, and had stretched me with his fingers, that by the time we had intercourse, I only felt a tightness, a second of discomfort, and he was in all the way. He did remain still to let my body adjust to him, and I love when authors write that part in the deflowering scene. He was a virgin, too. Perhaps him being a physician helped with his knowledge of what to do. Afterwards, he was the one who got out of bed, and went to get warm towels to clean me—so sweet, that I cried with emotions of love. He wouldn’t touch me again for two days, as he didn’t want to make me sore. Yep, we’re still together 35+ years later—it’s been the best ride (No pun intended). 🙂
Oh my lord~!
yes yes yes this list is so freaking funny and true!
Please please make another list. You’re awesome 🙂