I did not learn about sex from romance novels, thank God, but I know a lot of women who (at least partially) did. I was fortunate enough to have a mother who treated sex in a completely matter of fact way–it was part of being an adult and there was no shame involved in discussing it. As a result, even at the tender age of fifteen I approached romance novel sex with some skepticism. When I first started reading romance the sex scenes were the sort of vague, purple-prose laden encounters that involved a lot of shattering into a million tiny pieces, flying apart into the sun, or the shimmering of colors behind closed eyelids. Basically it sounded a lot like a stroke and/or an acid trip. And the orgasms were always simultaneous.
Now there are as many different types of sex scenes as there are romance novels. Variety is a good thing, usually. But for every delicious Victoria Dahl or Maisey Yates bearded cowboy love-scene, there's also a sex scene out there that is either improbable, anatomically impossible or horrifically painful to think about. Below are the Big Ten things I hate in sex scenes. Brace yourself. And, obviously, this review contains strong language and adult situations and all that shit.
1. Velvet Covered Steel
No, that's not a name for a Glam Metal band. It's the description of every hero's erection ever. It's not bad, I'm just sick of reading it
2. Sex On a Horse
What the actual fuck, people. I read this a lot in Old Skool romances. I actually remember reading a book where the horse was “frightened by the scent of their lovemaking.” I wish I could remember which book, but I don't. Now, I agree that plenty of fondling or even a Handy-J could occur while on horseback, but actual intercourse? That is the most chill horse ever. Every horse I've ever ridden has waited for me to stop paying attention to try and brush me against a tree or something.
Plus how does that work? You'd have to a Russian gymnast and a trick rider to contort your body enough to stay on the horse and achieve penetration. And then you'd have to move. If I was a horse, I would not put up with that shit.
3. The Chinese Finger Trap
This is when the hero's peen is so goddamned big he has to work to get inside the heroine, then once he is in, the magical vadge doesn't want to let go. Example from The Immortal Highlander by Karen Marie Moning (which is actually a great book, BTW):
“Easy, Gabrielle. Relax,” he gritted.
She tried, but she couldn't; it was instinctive to resist, and they waged a silent sexual battle for a few moments, where he hardly gained another inch. Her muscles were bearing down on him, resisting his steely intrusion.
He sucked in a hissing breath through clenched teeth. “Gabrielle, you're killing me; you have to let me in.”
“I'm trying,” she wailed.
I know there are fetishes about putting really large things inside vaginas, but I would think that in course of regular intercourse, if you have to fight to get the penis in, it's going to hurt. When I read the above passage and she instinctively resisted, I assumed that instinct was born of pain. If you need a shoehorn and a bottle of Wesson Oil to get down to business, then as a reader, I'm cringing.
4. Gushing, Weeping and Seeping
Anytime the heroine is doing one of these three things I assume she's got some sort of infection going on. Enough said.
5. Womb Clenching
The heroine is having SO MUCH FUN her womb is clenching. Now, to be fair, the uterus contracts during orgasm, so technically womb clenching is going on. But every time I read that her womb is clenching I think she's having a menstrual cramp or a contraction. I mean, “clench” has such negative connotations. You clench your fists, your teeth, your butt cheeks. Why is her womb clenching? Is it angry?
6. This Sentence:
His fingers drifted over [her breasts] again, gently scissoring her nipples. (The Greek's Million-Dollar Baby Bargain by Julia James).
You know what two words NEVER belong in a sentence together? Nipples and scissors.
7. Easy-A
And that A stands for anal. Anal is like the new virginity in contemporaries. The heroine has likely had sexual partners by the time she's met the hero, but she's never had anal. And he's going to go where no man has gone before. That's not the part that pisses me off.
The part that pisses me off is that the heroine has enjoyable anal sex without any preparation or, occasionally, lubricant. The hero magically gets his whole wang in there without causing her any discomfort or pain because he strokes her clit or something like that. Along with misplaced hymens, romance novel heroines are apparently born with very loose sphincter muscles.
8. The Third Arm
No, I'm not making a penis reference here. This is when the hero and heroine are getting it on missionary style and he reaches down to rub her clitoris while still keeping himself propped up over her and gently stroking her cheek.
Wait, what?
Or sometimes (especially in Old Skools) he wipes her tears away with both his thumbs while again, staying propped up on top of her.
Either he's got a friend hiding behind the curtains on the canopy bed, sneaking in to help a bro out or he's got the most amazing ab muscles ever. He can do a plank without his arms, motherfucker. Now that's a hero.
9. Three's a Crowd
I've read my fair share of menage scenes. I'm always amazed when the heroine has sex with two dudes for the first time and no one falls down, tips over, or slips out. Double penetration is apparently only slightly harder than anal for a newcomer (hur hur). And how is it that when she's with two different dudes (maybe even three) the dudes never touch.
I'm thinking specifically of the Maya Banks' Colter series. The Colter brothers share a woman, and engage in four-way sex with her, but they never ever touch because that would incest, I guess. C'mon. Someone is going to brush a thigh or suddenly get a handful of his brother's balls. It's just going to happen.
And my all time least favorite?
10. Cervical Penetration
The hero's wang is so amazingly big that the heroine can “feel him in her womb.” Well I fucking hope not. For that to happen he'd have to push through the cervix and anyone who has had an IUD placed can tell you that you don't want anything pushing through your cervix. I'm breaking out in a cold sweat just thinking about it. Here's a passage from Passion by Lisa Valdez that will induce a PTSD flashback in anyone who has Mirena IUD:
On a low moan, her cunt began to draw. With the first strong, sucking pull, Mark bore down with all his strength, grinding the swollen head of his cock against the opening to her womb.
There are so many, many things wrong here.
1. It's a vagina, not an octopus. It's not drawing or sucking anything into it's maw.
2. Is the vagina moaning? Because grammatically, it is.
3. YOU DON'T WANT ANYTHING PUSHING INTO THE OPENING OF YOUR WOMB. At this point the heroine should be screaming in pain or least saying “FUCK!” really loudly, and not in the good way.
Passion also contains the following passage:
He choked back a groan and bit into her pale shoulder as he thrust against the tight, tilting fingers of flesh that protected Passion's womb.
I've checked. There are no fingers growing out of my cervix. If there were, I'd be in the ER right now breathing into a paper bag. Also, are cervix fingers like chicken fingers?
So what about you? What drives you nuts about romance novel sex in the not-so-good way?
lmao! I am currently cringing at a few of these very things in the book I am reading. It is really a huge turn off, not turn on!
And don’t get me started on the, ‘oh baby you are so wet for me’, who the hell feels sexy when their man says that to her?!
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I am SO glad I took a moment to click on this link. I haven’t had a post make me laugh so hard in a long freaking time. Thank you!!
I think one that was left off the list was the unholy mess you should end up as, if the sex is really as good as advertised. We get a light dew of sweat, straightening of clothes, & un-mussing hair. Lets be real. If Sir Hero Huge Dong just barebacked you over a restored Harley in the lair of a sadistic yet strangely arousing super villain; your sexy low-slung jeans are not stopping his soldiers from breaking camp and marching their way down the inside of your thighs (gravity can be a real bitch).
Also, every woman should pee after sex (a handy piece of advice every Mom should pass on to her daughter). Although I realize that cleaning up and avoiding a UTI are not sexy, they are realistic and if every guy in the book is going to have an 8-pack, be over 6’2’’ and have a 10 inch power forward (if you catch my drift), then grab a little reality and at least include bathing.
Also, being a proponent of safe sex…it is quite alarming how many of these emotionally fragile, running for their lives, kidnapped, beaten, raped yet amazingly strong, snarky and goregous heroines will have unprotected sex with near-strangers. If this guy is as hot as described…he has had so much pussy thrown at him, it should be a wonder the baby arm he’s packin’ in those jeans hasn’t shriveled, blackened and fallen off from all the party favors he’s gone home with after those encounters. Just sayin…
Although I agree with most of it, I can actually say my first anal was easier than I thought. My boyfriend got me to the point where I so aroused that we didn’t need lubricant and it wasn’t as painful as I thought it was gonna be when he first put it in there. Maybe being as stoned as I was helped me relax, too.
Don’t get me wrong, though, that was the one and only time it wasn’t as painful. After that, we tried a couple times again (months in between) and it was the most painful thing I’ve ever experienced and we’ve never done it again.
Such a treasure trove of honest and funny comments. Love the list, but the comments here are the best. For me, I have to say that the physically impossible (or at least highly unlikely) trump vocabulary issues. After all, Amy (#157) hates the word cunt, whereas I LOVE the word cunt. So, you know, it’s cool that there’s different stuff out there for different tastes. Because the answer Kimg (#161), is ME! ;o)
@ Amy (and others who might feel the same) The C-word? You hate the C-word? No. Say it isn’t so!
I hope that our beloved authors of erotica do not become squeamish as a result of this otherwise merry discussion.
Myself, I glory in the C-word, as I used to in the F-word before it became so ubiquitous.
“Forbidden” words wield cataclysmic power and should be reserved for momentous, and (ahem) climactic occasions. I hope that the day comes when cunt may be written as freely as cock. There’s a wonderfully earthy symmetry there, or at least, there should be.
And while I’m at it…I also think that soppy wet is a wonderful thing. I agree that provisions should be made for addressing their post coital inconvenience, and think kindly of authors who direct their heroes to provide such tender attentions.
*applauds*
You are my hero. This is the BEST post in the history of posts. I was cracking up so hard because I have read all of these situations in books and been like, “What the ever loving crap?”
As a note adding to my statement above, I was pretty wet from him fucking me in the V so I guess you could consider that as being lubed up? And he played with the bumhole for a little while with his fingers.
It was indeed foreign and a bit awkward when you really think about it but while it was happening, all I could feel was pleasure. Maybe I like a little bit of pain too since I like it when he pulls my hair or when he bites me a little bit.
One of the funniest blog posts I have read in along time! I was reading a “new adult romance” (and I use that term loosely since the first scene involved a leash) when the heroine was about to have her first anal experience and there was no pain or issues. WTF?? That does not happen in real life…ever.
Thanks for providing me with a much needed laugh on this very cold day!
Melissa
So funny and so true. I hate the use of the word LAVE it is horrid. I also find it really annoying when they have been at work all day/out/at the gym and come home and have oral sex without having a wash. Ew nasty – they have been in the same sweaty knickers all day and had lots of wees. Even worse when they have been at it all night and wake up in the morning to have oral sex without having a shower or bath first. Surely it’s a bit crusty?
A very funny post, indeed!
I dislike specially #7, #8 and #10 .
And I really hate the dis-loction of the hymen & simultaneous orgasms & those old skool rapes that JAK insiste were just ‘forced seduction’.
Those are the most misguiding ideas about sex that you can get from romance novels.
This is possibly one of the best blog posts about book sex I’ve ever read! Bravo!
I was trying to do the at-work stealth chuckle all through this, and mostly held it together until
Also, now I feel like I need to cross my legs and take a Midol after all the opening-of-the-womb grinding D:
Holy crap on a cracker.
I haven’t laughed that hard in weeks.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
So freakin’ funny.
Heather
Tears are still running down my face…..this was f***ing hilarious!!! I read some out loud to my hubs who is still sitting here, shaking his head…….
Brilliant!!
Oh my gosh this post made me laugh so freaking hard! Completely agree with all of them.
#2 reminded me of a book I read several years ago where the couple had sex on a camel. I remember thinking the scene was completely unrealistic!
If I were a coffee drinker, I’d have it splashed all over my keyboard, too. Haven’t laughed this much in ages. Thanks. And I’m with you on that horse thing. I read a book a few months back and spent way too much time trying to picture in my mind how this could possibly work.
How many times has this happened: The hero slams the heroine up against the wall and she instinctively wraps her legs around him.
First, bruised shoulders are SO not sexy, and I would think that rather than wrap her legs around him, she’d be instinctively pushing him off her.
Someone else earlier mentioned “his lips crashing down on hers.” More bruising.
One more that I read recently: his pubic bone hitting her cl*t with every stroke. Yet more bruising. Seriously, ouch!
The unsafe sex too soon after childbirth thing is concerning, but I had sex only two weeks after a vaginal birth with my first son and didn’t hurt anything and only four weeks after a c-section with my second with no problems there either. Obviously, hubby and I were very careful both times, but it was still good sex. I wouldn’t be too alarmed if I read that somewhere. Everyone’s different.
THE THIRD ARM – thank you!!! Since my romance novel experiences predated my actual experiences by many years, I ALWAYS WONDERED WHY WE COULDN’T DO DAT.
Now I know why. We have no third arm. We can’t do dat.
Thank you!!!
Riding a horse? I once read a Romance where the couple had sex while riding a camel. She was in front of him and she laid down across the camels neck. He was able to enter from behind and the up and down action of the camel walking assisted greatly with the in and out action of his mighty wang.
OMG!!!! This is hilarious!!! In these writers’ defense, sex scenes are the hardest things on the planet to write. At least they are for me, and I’m quite fond of sex. Admittedly, these are a tad disturbing. The fingers thing especially.
*Anal is like the new virginity in contemporaries*
…that and deep-throating it would seem. Props to anyone that is able to do this but even Fast Times at Ridgemount High demonstrated the need to practice this particular talent in order to perform successfully. It seems like, lately, every ER has the heroine that magically doesn’t possess a gag-reflex.
I really hate any references to flowers… “Her precious petals…her blossoming womb.”
Pretty sure my womb won’t grow an apple tree.
Also- NO MENTION anywhere of BASIC human functions-
no queefs
no accidental farts
no slipping out while you change position
no “oh shit, we got the bed, grab a towel/t-shirt” moment
no “oh shit, you JUST got your period” moment
No “Oh shit, don’t make me laugh, I’LL LEAK!”
[quote In another one of her books (can’t remember the title), the heroine is sitting on the horse and getting aroused by the feel of the horse moving. Uh, what now? That can’t be normal.
Oh, ScifiGirl, do really think the only reason girls go horse mad is cause they’re so pretty? A western saddle can be a girl’s best friend.
I have one to add to this list and it’s from a recent contemporary romance – every scene – yes every freaking scene without fail (of which there were many) went like this oooh………(getting down to business)…ahhhhh……(little bit more business)……mmmmm….(an that’s a wrap people) I didn’t even read them just skimmed for the 3 phrases and as soon as mmmm appeared I picked up with the story again.
OMG I am dying laughing at these. I was waiting for baited breath (in the pauses around my chortles of laughter that is) for any that I might have been guilty of and I think I’m okay.
The most awkward creepy sex scene I ever read was the one in Stephen King’s “it”. A bunch of boys (11,12 yr old?) have sex with a girl so they will ‘grow up’ and avoid a child- killing monster.
OMG I’ve just spent nearly all morning pmsl with this post and the comments! Thanks to all for a hilarious wake up! Right now I have chores to do before my hero arrives tonight from his week of slaving for the $$ I hope I don’t crack up at some I opportune moment later! when one of these comments filters through my head. Ps sex on a horse… Having rode and owned horses most my life… I would say… Seriously ” don’t ever try to do it” unless you want to end up in A&E
There are hilarious! All of these are also very true. A pet peeve of mine is when there is heroine that’s a virgin and the hero just powers through her hymen machine gun style. When this happens I’m cringing and going “ow…oh my goodness ow” and the heroine is just like “That feels so good!” Then I’m thinking “Seriously….what f***king planet is she from???” Another issue that I have is when the heroine cries a lot during sex. I get that sometimes pleasure can be painful, but I’ve read scenes where the heroine is outright sobbing and the hero is still going at her. I’m thinking something like “Dude, she’s obviously not alright…wtf is wrong with you??? Get off of her!” I don’t know…to me…neither one of those scenarios is sexy and it usually puts me off the hero.
Well done and I’ve been cracking up. I so want to share this with my daughter but I’m afraid she’ll sigh, cross her eyes and won’t let me near my granddaughter.
So true!
I fervently hate the rape scenes! I hate even more when the heroine is raped, knows and acknowledges it (had to be specified), then forgives the fucker and they end up happily ever after in a supposedly healthy relationship.
Kristen Ashley did it in The Golden Dynasty, so did Judith Mcnaught. You are fucking fuck up ladies! It’s rape! Couldn’t keep reading them after it.
This was the funniest blog post I’ve read in…gosh, forever! The comments had me rolling on the floor again so thanks to everyone.
I’m with the others who are puzzled that EVERY virgin ALWAYS has a mind-blowing orgasm her first time. And every time thereafter. Excuse me, but I didn’t experience my first small-O (much less a big one) for probably 6-months into my first long term relationship (and he was not my first). And that was through oral and he worked pretty hard for that one so it really came (no pun intended) as a surprise for me. However, I did not pass out or see rockets, flowers or fireworks either – I was so disappointed the the visual didn’t add up to what I had been reading in all those 1970s romance novels.
And why is it never mentioned that while some couple are really into one another, for some women…it just doesn’t happen every time, especially vaginally? Oh well. But thanks for a hilarious blog. 🙂
Oh man, that’s the hardest I’ve laughed in ages. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you!
Connie Brockway, about to embark on her zillionth love scene
These are all terrible. I’d like to object to the use of the word mons, if I could?
Also I saw someone call it a heated clasp. Sounds like a sweaty handshake.
Just.. ew.
And yeah, if you have to force it in, just stop. You’re either going to break it (which she won’t enjoy) or you’ll ruin it for future use (which she won’t enjoy).
Ok, since this post has 197 comments, I haven’t gone through all of them. But I have to say that this post is hilarious!. Ok things that bug me:
1. His cock is so hard it could……… ya ya I get it…its hard.
2. Someone did say this, too many sex scene that I am skimming through them looking for plot related items.
3. Using terms and then not explaining them. It is bad enough I have to look up words in the New York Times in Webster, but they do not have any BDSM related terms there. Thank God for FetLife!
4. If one more author uses the word “flower” for either a woman’s vagina or anus, I will scream. There are many other words you can use. Heck I just did!
5. I like a man who saves the day as much as anyone, but can’t we have some girls who do? I do know two authors who do this already, but I wish more would too.
Lara’s comment No 194 (about rape).
Look, I know this is not the place to sell your own work but maybe I’ll be excused because it’s a free story. If not, this post will be removed—fair enough. I wrote Alice’s Gangbang and put it on my blog free of charge at http://tinyurl.com/k25ucfx It’s the story of one woman’s revenge for what five men did to her. And you know what? I get emails—from men, natch—demanding to know why I treated the lead rapist so badly. His heart was in the right place, apparently. He loved her, really—so what he did was okay. Er…no, guys. It wasn’t. It never is.
You know when the heroine can’t quite get her hand around the hero’s wang? Or, even worse, when she needs her TWO hands? (think J R Ward’s Brothers)
Let’s try an experiment: I have very small hands with short fingers, and yet, I can circle my own wrist with my fingers. Find a place in your own arm where you can’t quite get your thumb and fingers to touch and ponder whether you’d want something *that* thick pounding into you—front, back or face.
Talk about painful.