I did not learn about sex from romance novels, thank God, but I know a lot of women who (at least partially) did. I was fortunate enough to have a mother who treated sex in a completely matter of fact way–it was part of being an adult and there was no shame involved in discussing it. As a result, even at the tender age of fifteen I approached romance novel sex with some skepticism. When I first started reading romance the sex scenes were the sort of vague, purple-prose laden encounters that involved a lot of shattering into a million tiny pieces, flying apart into the sun, or the shimmering of colors behind closed eyelids. Basically it sounded a lot like a stroke and/or an acid trip. And the orgasms were always simultaneous.
Now there are as many different types of sex scenes as there are romance novels. Variety is a good thing, usually. But for every delicious Victoria Dahl or Maisey Yates bearded cowboy love-scene, there's also a sex scene out there that is either improbable, anatomically impossible or horrifically painful to think about. Below are the Big Ten things I hate in sex scenes. Brace yourself. And, obviously, this review contains strong language and adult situations and all that shit.
1. Velvet Covered Steel
No, that's not a name for a Glam Metal band. It's the description of every hero's erection ever. It's not bad, I'm just sick of reading it
2. Sex On a Horse
What the actual fuck, people. I read this a lot in Old Skool romances. I actually remember reading a book where the horse was “frightened by the scent of their lovemaking.” I wish I could remember which book, but I don't. Now, I agree that plenty of fondling or even a Handy-J could occur while on horseback, but actual intercourse? That is the most chill horse ever. Every horse I've ever ridden has waited for me to stop paying attention to try and brush me against a tree or something.
Plus how does that work? You'd have to a Russian gymnast and a trick rider to contort your body enough to stay on the horse and achieve penetration. And then you'd have to move. If I was a horse, I would not put up with that shit.
3. The Chinese Finger Trap
This is when the hero's peen is so goddamned big he has to work to get inside the heroine, then once he is in, the magical vadge doesn't want to let go. Example from The Immortal Highlander by Karen Marie Moning (which is actually a great book, BTW):
“Easy, Gabrielle. Relax,” he gritted.
She tried, but she couldn't; it was instinctive to resist, and they waged a silent sexual battle for a few moments, where he hardly gained another inch. Her muscles were bearing down on him, resisting his steely intrusion.
He sucked in a hissing breath through clenched teeth. “Gabrielle, you're killing me; you have to let me in.”
“I'm trying,” she wailed.
I know there are fetishes about putting really large things inside vaginas, but I would think that in course of regular intercourse, if you have to fight to get the penis in, it's going to hurt. When I read the above passage and she instinctively resisted, I assumed that instinct was born of pain. If you need a shoehorn and a bottle of Wesson Oil to get down to business, then as a reader, I'm cringing.
4. Gushing, Weeping and Seeping
Anytime the heroine is doing one of these three things I assume she's got some sort of infection going on. Enough said.
5. Womb Clenching
The heroine is having SO MUCH FUN her womb is clenching. Now, to be fair, the uterus contracts during orgasm, so technically womb clenching is going on. But every time I read that her womb is clenching I think she's having a menstrual cramp or a contraction. I mean, “clench” has such negative connotations. You clench your fists, your teeth, your butt cheeks. Why is her womb clenching? Is it angry?
6. This Sentence:
His fingers drifted over [her breasts] again, gently scissoring her nipples. (The Greek's Million-Dollar Baby Bargain by Julia James).
You know what two words NEVER belong in a sentence together? Nipples and scissors.
7. Easy-A
And that A stands for anal. Anal is like the new virginity in contemporaries. The heroine has likely had sexual partners by the time she's met the hero, but she's never had anal. And he's going to go where no man has gone before. That's not the part that pisses me off.
The part that pisses me off is that the heroine has enjoyable anal sex without any preparation or, occasionally, lubricant. The hero magically gets his whole wang in there without causing her any discomfort or pain because he strokes her clit or something like that. Along with misplaced hymens, romance novel heroines are apparently born with very loose sphincter muscles.
8. The Third Arm
No, I'm not making a penis reference here. This is when the hero and heroine are getting it on missionary style and he reaches down to rub her clitoris while still keeping himself propped up over her and gently stroking her cheek.
Wait, what?
Or sometimes (especially in Old Skools) he wipes her tears away with both his thumbs while again, staying propped up on top of her.
Either he's got a friend hiding behind the curtains on the canopy bed, sneaking in to help a bro out or he's got the most amazing ab muscles ever. He can do a plank without his arms, motherfucker. Now that's a hero.
9. Three's a Crowd
I've read my fair share of menage scenes. I'm always amazed when the heroine has sex with two dudes for the first time and no one falls down, tips over, or slips out. Double penetration is apparently only slightly harder than anal for a newcomer (hur hur). And how is it that when she's with two different dudes (maybe even three) the dudes never touch.
I'm thinking specifically of the Maya Banks' Colter series. The Colter brothers share a woman, and engage in four-way sex with her, but they never ever touch because that would incest, I guess. C'mon. Someone is going to brush a thigh or suddenly get a handful of his brother's balls. It's just going to happen.
And my all time least favorite?
10. Cervical Penetration
The hero's wang is so amazingly big that the heroine can “feel him in her womb.” Well I fucking hope not. For that to happen he'd have to push through the cervix and anyone who has had an IUD placed can tell you that you don't want anything pushing through your cervix. I'm breaking out in a cold sweat just thinking about it. Here's a passage from Passion by Lisa Valdez that will induce a PTSD flashback in anyone who has Mirena IUD:
On a low moan, her cunt began to draw. With the first strong, sucking pull, Mark bore down with all his strength, grinding the swollen head of his cock against the opening to her womb.
There are so many, many things wrong here.
1. It's a vagina, not an octopus. It's not drawing or sucking anything into it's maw.
2. Is the vagina moaning? Because grammatically, it is.
3. YOU DON'T WANT ANYTHING PUSHING INTO THE OPENING OF YOUR WOMB. At this point the heroine should be screaming in pain or least saying “FUCK!” really loudly, and not in the good way.
Passion also contains the following passage:
He choked back a groan and bit into her pale shoulder as he thrust against the tight, tilting fingers of flesh that protected Passion's womb.
I've checked. There are no fingers growing out of my cervix. If there were, I'd be in the ER right now breathing into a paper bag. Also, are cervix fingers like chicken fingers?
So what about you? What drives you nuts about romance novel sex in the not-so-good way?
Finally, I can breathe a sigh of relief. Some people who see the unrealistic things in sex scenes in romance novels. Some of the scenes are great but I often find they’re unrealistic in so many ways. What gets me the most is how perpetually turned on the individuals are at all times. Don’t the women ever have monthlies where they feel totally not in the mood and don’t want to be touched? Do they orgasm every single time like multiple times, including the man? Everything runs smoothly throughout the whole love-making session especially when they hardly know each other. It takes years to get to know a person’s sexual needs. It takes much love and patience to bring a woman to her peak. I’ve always wondered if there was something wrong with me – that these women in the novels are so sexy and I’m just this moody, difficult woman who sometimes needs lube or is just not in the mood or takes a while to get in the mood.
My aim is to write novels that make sense to the real woman. I hope I can get it right. I don’t want to make women feel like failures and also think they should stick with a man who abuses her and pushes her around like some BDSM books make out. Just because it’s the new rage, doesn’t make it right. What are we teaching our young woman who are coming of age about their sexuality? I know it’s fiction but sometimes fiction is all they will read.
Sex isn’t always perfect. It takes time for a couple to work through their differences and yes, sometimes they don’t always flow together perfectly. Love is much stronger than all of that. Let’s write about love instead of just sex.
Amen, Vicki. Amen
OMG I really needed a laugh today and crap on a cracker you gave me a huge laugh! I agree with the anal without pain being a big ol’ bunch of BS! I usually skip over that crap (sorry) since it makes me cringe to even think about! Something that I think is funny….when the hero “rips” the girls panties off like he’s tearing a napkin. I mean what kind of panties do these women wear? My don’t rip like that, and believe me if my husband ripped my sexy panties, it would piss me right the hell off! I mean dang, those things are not cheap and does it really take less time to rip them than it does to just take them off?
“Just lift your bottom for me, Darling”—the sexiest words in the whole wide world 🙂 http://tinyurl.com/q48l9vh
lol i had this!!!
spend nearly €80 on a gorgeous PVC bodysuit. hadn’t seen him in three weeks.
all going well til he tore it.
I was NOT impressed
Is it weird that heterosexual sex scenes in romances don’t turn me on…at all? I read them for the relationship conflict and emotional fulfillment. I’m bi, but whenever I read a heterosexual romance or erotic romance sex scene, I feel closer and closer to being a lesbian. 😉
Kim: No you’re not weird! When I was younger, I felt exactly like you do; and though my tastes have widened (it’s normal to change during life too) I’m still selective and books that lots of people call “extremely steamy” may not be for me at all. But there’s something for everybody out there—isn’t it good that we don’t all like the same things, because that keeps a wide variety of authors in business.
LMFAO! So glad I found your site.
@PamG (comment 130 I believe?):
That just about killed me!
Late to the party here, but I would just add using spit as lube. Not only is it gross, but a.) it’s not enough, b.) it won’t last long, and c.) did I mention it’s gross?!
Now, I’m off to remove “lave” from all current works in progress.
Oh, yes. Disgusting. I’d like to be able to say there aren’t any men around—I mean real, live men—who’d do that but I’m sure someone, somewhere…
Love this column!
Am I allowed to have pet peeves even though I’m an author? Okay, thanks. Here’s mine, and it ties into what another commenter said above about keeping the characters’ personalities during and after sex.
I will quit reading when a fairly innocent heroine is penetrated and suddenly turns into a dirty talkin’ mama who will do enny-thang with one or multiple partners without blushing or saying ‘What? Can I think about that one for a moment here, big guy(s)?’
The phrase ‘gradual progression’ should be in play along with her vajay-jay and whatever else.
And I’m sure my characters do things in sex scenes that cause readers to throw their Kindles, but hey, if you can’t please everyone, might as well tick them off, right?
I’m laughing so hard at so many of these. I got dibs on ‘Velvet Covered Steel’ for my metal band!
Yeah, where in the world did “velvet” come into play regarding the MWOP? I would hope it’s not fuzzy.
@ Suzie re: Spit Lube…If you think about oral sex for a moment, perhaps spit lube won’t seem as offensive. I’m just sayin…
Oh. Yes. LOL I see what you mean
Ewww!
@Suzie @Mzcue LOL! I totally get it for an oral sex scene, but I’ve read anal scenes where the dude used it to grease (or maybe I should say slick) his pole before going in, both in m/m and m/f. Just, no.
Just, no is right. You want to put that things WHERE, Mister? Oh. Right. Well, I’ll tell you what—I’ll spit in yours and then I’ll open you up with this broomstick and if you’re still in the mood after that, well…we’ll see.
Anyways, ladies, it’s nearly half after midnight in Abu Dhabi and I need some sleep. I’ve enjoyed this post and the comments it aroused more than anything in a long, long time. Thank you all—and goodnight.
Brilliant post! Frankly I find most sex scenes utterly boring or just awful. It’s not because I’m a snob or raised on porn, but as you point out in so many ways, they are just so patently lame. There’s no real flow, no emotion, just the regurgitation of phrases and cliches that authors have seen in other novels, thus the regurgitation. It’s painful in a non-punny way. Funny as hell though if you can get past all the cheese. I think the real issue here is that most of the people who write these things have probably never done them, so they really don’t have the words. But at least it’s entertaining for us!
I’m hoping my novel, Sesame Swallow Private Investigator, a raunchy mystery, is better! Time will tell.
People in my office think I am insane right now. I love you hard for this post. All the way to your womb and back.
This is freaking amazing. My stomach hurts from laughing so hard. Well done.
Of course “sheaths,” “cloaking” and other such descriptors in sex make me laugh, I have to say—even though it’s nice to escape reality and read about perfect sex in books, just once I’d like a really well-written awkward sex scene between the main characters. Usually, it only happens when relationship goes south, but come on. Who hasn’t had sex go really, really badly.
Another pet peeve: Virgins who are born instinctively knowing how to give a perfect HJ/BJ. Especially in the days before Google.
Crying with laughter here.
@151 Viking gal and 181 Sarah Winter re sex in the first few weeks after childbirth.
The problem is that where the placenta attached to the womb there are a lot of big blood vessels, which take time to heal over firmly. If air is forced into the womb (through either oral or vaginal sex), it can in rare cases be blown into those blood vessels and cause an embolism, which can be fatal. You then have a dead mother, a new born motherless child and a seriously traumatised new father.
It is a rare complication, but not unknown, and just not worth the risk. So yes, if a romance book suggests that oral or vaginal sex within six weeks of childbirth is OK, I’d be seriously unhappy with that book.
Oh, and sex on a moving horse? I don’t understand how the man could get and maintain an erection in those circumstances without some serious damage being done. A camel maybe – camels are big, and camel saddles completely different from horse saddles.
Thank you! No matter how many sex scenes I edit, there is always something new to surprise me…but these are some of my favorite things, and you expressed them in a way that made me laugh very hard.
Saving this to favorites…:)
Oh my gosh, I am still chuckling.
As a “spicy” romance writer I’ve written several explicit sex scenes and I have mentally gone over each scene after reading this article to make sure that none of them made the list… Thank you for a wonderful look at sex in the books.
What a HOT topic. 🙂
ROFLMFO for most of the examples displayed.
Admittedly the olden day Historical Bodice Rippers were full of:
“no, no no. ” – “but I really mean yes, yes yes…” scenes.
For me many of those sex scenes were hard to read & believe, until romance writers like Kathleen E Woodiwiss came along and brought us out of the hot delusional mists and wrote a decent Historical romance novel.
My thirst for erotic writings were stirred when @ 19 or so, I read a series of books based on the the Oyster & the Pearl, underground magazines of the 1870’s – 1890’s. They portrayed what was going in the *proper upper classes* & between the downstairs help …. Downton Abbey on a WIDER scale 🙂
They included every raunchy tale of debauchery and pornographic act probably imaginable.
Now they were believable 🙂
***What I shudder at, is when an erotica writer makes reference that their characters are trying something that’s NEVER been tried in history before – new diverse, sexual acts. Hilarious…
** I did read a novel with sex on a fleeing horse, about 20 years ago. (And I admit I know NOTHING about a horse’s disposition to humans using their hide for a booty call.) Apparently the hero was masterful enough to know his horse well (and vis-a-versa)- ( no – not intimately – *snort* ) therefore he had TOTAL control & Trust. The couple were fleeing form a Sheik who had stolen the heroine. The Hero placed her on his lap – facing him and the writer used the momentum of the galloping horse to simulate the thrust and pull of intercourse.
For me – visually and practically – it worked, cause I don’t know anything about Horses attitudes to that kind of impropriety to their person lol lol lol
***In a ménage’ – hmmm – of course body parts/skin contact between all involved will happen.
Do all couples in a ménage’ have to be Bi-sexual in some way? I don’t believe they HAVE to be, but to me as a reader, unless it’s a straight out GANG- BANG, then they certainly must have a close/ emotional connection in SOME form or other. I like the emotional interaction with my characters.
***The womb entering thing is off putting.
*** IMHO – unless the novel is of the BDSM genre or stipulates full on Sadomasochism, I don’t feel harsh sex scenes belong in a Base Romance Novel.
ahhh but what would I know hahah.
Great Topic and LOTS of food for thought for sex scene writers.
Not only does “slanting” bother me, but “laving”, I think that’s the spelling.. the context is .. like kissing or licking. Hymens of steel are another thing that bother me. The blood, the pain..the breaking through the barrier.. all with in a contemporary romance..
I don’t get it..
Just love, love this blog entry and the commentary too. I’ve had my legs crossed as I’ve read this for fear of “gushing” and I’m not talking love juice.
Laving – 1st time I read that word I didn’t know what it meant, then got it and found it like a bucket of cold water. I get it, but it makes me think of animals licking an infection.
Well – THANK YOU for making me laugh for 10 minutes as I read the blog, then all the commentary.
First of all, loved your blog post and your choices. I’ve read some similar ‘love scenes’ and agree. As for pet peeves, each book at one point or the other will slip in some way. Kisses that go on forever and are so enthralling no further attention to foreplay is needed. Whereas this does happen, possibly, its one occasions I’m sure it doesn’t happen as often as many romances portray it.
You mentioned one gripe, couples who always climax together, while this is great, our timelines are not always well timed. Its been my experience a woman can achieve her peek well before the guy and if she’s lucky be fortunate to go there a couple more times before he does. Generally that makes the guy feel more…accomplished himself. Then too, men in situations like this maybe fortunate to also get there more than one too.
You mentioned sex on horseback. OMG how uncomfortable. Mom always said why do it in a car when she had a comfortable bed at home. While that wasn’t always the case when she was dating (back when you didn’t do the deed before marriage) in today’s world going to a comfortable bed isn’t a difficult endeavor and sometimes in the seat of a car is a turn-on.
In all – in real life, a quickie is irksome unless the passion is just so hot for both that they get there that fast.
Personally, in a fiction story, the author can craft the love session to meet their needs and the personality of the characters. With this being the case, a lovemaking session can further the character’s character and advance the plot. Why not make it so. Your list is a good list to keep handy when writing least one fall into one of those categories. I agree they are to be avoided.
1) Spit does work as lube for anal, but only if you’re in good practice. The kind where you pretty much skip the “I’m not sure I like this, I’m a little uncomfortable here” early part and go straight to the “yes, yes more” later part.
My big problem is there are no good words for the female genitalia. I hate all the conventional ones. They look nasty, they are used in disparaging ways and none of them are sexy. This is why I seldom write heterosexual romance.
We don’t include all the messy bio stuff: cleanup towels and queefs and “Ouch dammit, I’ve got a crick in my neck” and “Well, hell, I wasn’t done coming,” because romance is a fantasy. It’s what we wish we were getting instead of the three minutes under the blankets at two am when he woke us up and we called him by a fictional character’s name.
This is one of the all-time funniest blogs I have ever read. It should framed and delivered to every writer of erotica.
Sex on a horse? I’m DYING laughing….
Oh, my god. I just snorted my morning coffee out my nose. I will be smelling vanilla creme for hours!! Thank you for this!
My biggest peeve is authors and editors who use cum and come interchangeably.
I have a Mirena and can picture it. Gah!
As for 7, that drives me up a wall because my one experience with easy A was not easy at all.
Very true,and well timed. I challenged fellow writer on Twitter to tell the same story twice, once in romance erotica and again in the real,messy, smelly world. the results were hilarious as one would expect.
Few people, especially those who reach for the romantica pulp want to read about the normal everyday fumbling and faulty sex that they have. It’s the fantasy they crave and pay for.
That’s it exactly. It’s the FANTASY that readers want. Except I personally don’t fantasize about pain. Still, a little realism doesn’t hurt… Pun intended!
Oh my, I remember that Valdez book. Doesn’t he go through the cervix into the womb at one point? OUCH.
Mind you, the third arm thing is awfully easy to do. When I was trying to write romance novels, I’d have to write the scene, and then go back and do a limb count, because invariably someone would have turned into a starfish at best or an octopus at worst. And I wasn’t writing paranormals.
Sex in the sand. 🙁