We’re almost at thirty seasons of this shit y’all.
I remember back in the early days of The Bachelor when the The Bachelor had some kind of career or was like an actual prince of something, and wasn’t just someone recycled through the weird social media/influencer microcosm that this franchise has become.
Anyway, my recap partner for this season is Muzzy.
AKA Muzzarina Louise April Princess Scrembalina Dainty Toes.
Muzzy originally came from a hoarding situation and wasn’t doing fantastic in our shelter environment. She stuck to the highest level of the cat tree and hid from everyone, except for when she appeared to bitch slap rambunctious kittens. She loved my husband, though, and would climb into his arms whenever he was there.
So we brought her home to see how she would do and much to our surprise after 24 hours she’d perfectly acclimated to our house. She wasn’t hiding, she was playing and exploring, and she gets so excited when she gets chicken that she gets what we call “chicken zoomies.” She doesn’t meow; she squeaks and meeps. She’s also the smallest of our cats at not quite 7lbs, but hands down the bravest. She growls at plumbers and bathroom remodelers and then demands to be involved in whatever they’re doing while the boys hide under the bed.
Also surprisingly, she fell in love with our incredibly dumb cat Fisher.
Fisher has two braincells competing for third place and both are coming in fourth.
Muzzy loves him.
He doesn’t understand what’s going on but snuggles and grooms her anyway. They eat out of the same bowl, they walk with their tails entwined, and we now call Fish “Big Dumb Boyfriend” because that’s exactly what he is.
So now that you’ve met Muzzy, it’s time to get started.
This season’s Bachelor is Grant who is thirty and from Houston, TX. I know he was on The Bachelorette but I’ve forgotten everything about him already.
Grant talks about his parents failed marriage (his dad was an addict and his mom threw herself into work to cope) and how they really didn’t have a “normal” family dynamic. For example, they never ate meals together. He gets really emotional when he talks about getting married and having that traditional family he’s always dreamed of and for a horrible moment I wonder if he’s actually buying into this.
Muzzy: Eep.
The parade of limos starts and none of it is memorable.
We meet Dina who is from a big Romanian family in Chicago. She’s an attorney, and Grant seems pretty dazzled by her right away.
J’Nae seems confused by the fact that there are a lot of women there competing for the same guy and…girl, have you not seen this show before?
One contestant was going to compete for Miss Dominican Republic and instead decided to come on the show.
Muzzy: Big Dumb Boyfriends are important…but not that important.
Then Alexe comes up the recently hosed down driveway leading a “No Drama Llama.”
One of the other contestants asks if you can ride a llama and …
Muzzy: That llama looks delicious.
The llama’s name is Linda, BTW and we’re all Team Linda now.
Also, there’s a hilarious student film called Llamageddon that I think might still be free on Amazon Prime and I totally recommend watching it and laughing till you have to pee.
Natalie was spit on by a llama once and wants nothing to do with Linda, so obviously they’re going to have to go on a two-on-one date in the near future.
Sarafiena shows up with a six foot cutout of Grant’s head.
Muzzy: HISSSSS
Once the group is assembled on the drinking couches, Grant asks them what love means to them, and it’s apparent that the women are drunk-panicking because they didn’t think there would be a quiz.
The first kiss of the night goes to Allyshia.
Linda is APPALLED.
Juliana gets the next kiss.
Muzzy: JUSTICE FOR LINDA!
Then a limo pulls up and we get BIG DRAMATIC SCARY MUSIC.
Out steps Grant’s sister, but all the contestants are freaking out thinking it’s his ex.
One of the women says she walked out “vagina first” and I’m having a hard time picturing how that would work.
She shows the women embarrassing childhood photos of Grant. Somewhere Linda is just clearing off that buffet while no one is watching.
Muzzy: You eat those meatballs, girl.
Then we get MORE dramatic music and it’s time for the first impression rose.
Jesse reveals that the person who gets the first impression rose will also be going on the first one-on-one date.
Muzzy: TEAM LINDA.
The first impression room goes to Alexe because I guess you can give the rose to the person who brought the llama, but not the llama herself.
BUMMER.
Muzzy: I’m writing a letter to ABC.
Alexe says she can’t feel her legs. THAT’S A MEDICAL EMERGENCY, ALEXE.
Then we cut straight to the Dreaded Rose Ceremony.
Christina, J’Nae, Kelsey, Kyleigh, Neicey, Radhika and Savannah go home.
That’s it. Are you watching? Or are you reading the recaps with me and Muzzy?
Bonus question: What are the names you call your pets? Like, all of the names?
I am here for Muzzy. Team Muzzy all the time!!
Only reading your recaps. I have never watched a single episode.
Girl kitty: Sassy, Floof, Precious, Baby Girl, Sweetie
Boy kitty: Laddie, Stretch, Boi
I, too, have never seen a Bachelor thing, but am HERE for the recaps. I still remember the guy who showered a lot.
Also, I assume that coming in vagina first means she’s, like, dragging herself along with her hands and rubbing her butt on the ground like a dog with worms.
And now I need to apologize for that extra visual.
Even the recaps would be intolerable without cats and snark (bonus for llamas!). We are between pets right now but our most recent were a pair of ferrets, Teddy Black Bear AKA Bear Bear, and Princess Pandemonium, AKA Panda.
Walking out “vagina first” made me think she’s moving like she needs to go beneath a limbo stick. I’m here for the recaps but also Muzzy and Fisher’s romance 😀 Glad they got their HEA.
Aw, Muzzy!
Linda’s too good for this show.
Like Muzzy, all my pets have had a complicated list of names, titles, nicknames, and funny noises they answer to/intentionally ignore to various degrees.
My current cat’s name is Zing, aka Zing-Zing, aka Zing-a-ling-a-ding-dong-boy, aka Stinky Gremlin Man. I’ve had him for almost three years and he is the prettiest trashcat and switches between the snuggliest baby and a vicious killer. His name’s because he zips and zooms and zings around like a pinball in a machine that runs on crack and exists outside of normal gravitational fields. I would, of course, die for him.
Team Muzzy/Fisher ftw! That’s what true love looks like.
…Oh, right, the Bachelor. Uhh…he looks…like a guy, alright. And, uh…I’m sure those ladies are doing what they tend to do, or whathaveyou…
I sure hope Miss Potential Future Dominican Republic either got to stay or still has time to get to her beauty pageant…
Muzzy would have been a memorable Bachelorette. She would hide from all of her suitors except for Fisher, which would frustrate the network to no end, but everyone would know exactly where they stood with her, except possibly Fisher, but he’d be happy anyway so it would work out.
In addition to the standard honey/sweetie/sweetheart/etc rep, my cat gets called Fluff, Floof, Fluffy, Cat, Cat-Cat, Sweeting, Beastling, Big Softie, Murderbeast, Fluff the Conqueror, Fluff the Navigator, and my personal favorite, Flufferling.
My late younger cat, who died of FIP two years ago, got called most of the same things, with the addition of Baby and the exception of Cat and Cat-Cat, because I felt inexplicably that Cat and Cat-Cat somehow belonged to the older cat. So she got called Small Thing instead.
Life is really weird and hard right now so I have been very focused on the small joys in my life. I LOVE your recaps and they bring me so much joy! I really appreciate that you take the time to watch and review each episode and EXTRA appreciate the cats. Silly as it sounds, these recaps and your writing are making a beautiful impact on the world.
This recap had the correct ratio of cat news to Bachelor information. Honestly, it could just be a weekly cat report with a couple bachelor gifs thrown in and that would also be more than acceptable.
“Tails entwined?” It’s so nice to see a real romance in these recaps!
Your recaps are all I need — they are delicious. I never watch the show. I also loved this: “Fisher has two braincells competing for third place and both are coming in fourth.”
Thanks for the reminder on the Llama horror! Meant to see that. The VelociPastor is one of my faves and I’m hoping the laser eye Llama movie is similar.
Already on Team Linda, with her fashionable eyebrows and mustache, and so glad Muzzy gave Himbo Fisher the final rose. (What do we call them now? Fizzy? Musher?)
And there are some people in this post too, I guess…
Muzzy! What a cutie!
So I don’t watch the show(s) but I live for the recaps, and I recently listened to a podcast that talked about a former Bachelor who got scammed with a fake pregnancy, and he has gone public with his story so it doesn’t happen to others. And since I don’t have any friends in bachelor nation, but I have all of you, I am sharing 🙂
Link to the podcast: https://podcasts.apple.com/ca/podcast/the-paternity-tales-part-1/id1684156849?i=1000682859426
(It is a two-parter, and the second part is even more bonkers)
Here is a wiki article with the breakdown of the timeline of the scam.
https://justiceforclayton.com/wiki/index.php/Laura_Michelle_Owens_%26_Clayton_Echard
Awww I’m swooning over Muzzy’s love story. What a cutie
Linda is the best and alpaca have such lovely fiber!
Cat names: Boris Cornelius (my last name) a/k/a Borrey, Borrey-Worrey, Senor Pantaloons, Pampy, Pretty Kitty, His Nibs
Muzzy is right there with my green-eyed black kitty Bea when it comes to Chicken! We call her our Chicken fiend because whenever chicken is being eaten (and in my husband’s case fake vegetarian chicken nuggets) Bea screams and screams and tries to steal it out of our hands!
I’m here for Muzzy and Linda, which would make a great Thelma and Louise type movie, just saying.
Our Cats’ names are Bea (short for Beatrice, which she is only called when she’s being exceptionally naughty, which is rare for her), who gets called Bea-Bea, Busy Bea, Bea Baby, Bossy Bea, Bossy Girl, Looney Girl, Sassafrass, Bea That Stands for Boss!, Mama’s Girl/Baby, Social Moth, Trouble Number 1.
And Georgie (short for Georgiana, which she gets called when she is in trouble, which is quite frequently because she is my troublesome baby), gets called Georgie-Porgie, Puddin’ and Pie, Georgie Girl (my inlaws sing the song to her all the time), THE Baby, Trouble 2, Sassafrass, Sassy Pantaloons (she’s a medium haired girl), Chonky baby, Velcro baby, Daddy’s Girl/Baby, Social Butterfly, Trouble Number 2
The Terribly Elegant Tuxedo Feline Queen of the Household is Bilqis.
The doofbag white idiot boy is Alopex.
Previously we had the English Golden Cocker Spaniel called Cuton, (or Dogor, if you ask my other half) and Basil (Dog’s Home Special).
Ancient Internet tradition obliges me to post “The Llama Song”: https://youtu.be/KMYN4djSq7o
I only read these recaps. I don’t have the fortitude for the full experience.
Vagina first = inset that how Princess Kate used to get out of limos? Flashing the goods?