Elyse Watches The Bachelor–S27 E6: We’re All Like WTF

Elyse Watches The Bachelor with Kraken Rum and CokeIt’s time for The Bachelor, everyone!

I could be doing more fun things, like taxes or getting a pap smear, but Pudding and I are here to serve you!

Pudding: Whatever. Wake me up when this nonsense is done.

Pudding is asleep with her front paws draped out in front of her

We’re in Tallinn, Estonia.

The ladies walk around clapping their hands and yelling, “Where are ya Zach?” like he’s a lost dog.

We learn Greer has covid but is asymptomatic so she’s isolating.

The women explore Tallin

Charity gets a one-on-one date to make up for missing out on hers last week.

I really love how the women become friends on this show. When Charity comes out in her date outfit one of them says, “You look amazing in green!” Someone else says, “You smell so good!”

Weirdly, right before the date Kat asks to talk to him before his date with Charity which is kind of odd. It’s probably a set up though because usually the Bachelor doesn’t pick his date up with the other contestants in the room.

After Charity leaves, Brooklyn and Gabi tell her that they don’t think what she did was cool. Kat says she feels attacked.

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Elaine from Seinfeld rolls her eyes

Charity and Zach go for a carriage ride, and then participate in a wife-carrying race. Charity is upside down, face firmly in Zach’s ass.

Zach runs carrying Charity

Then we cut back to the hotel where we’re still litigating whether or not Kat was rude or her feelings were hurt or…

Later, Zach and Charity are served drinks by a guy who I swear is Joel McHale in costume.

During the dinner they aren’t allowed to eat, Charity says her last relationship was emotionally abusive and she never felt seen by her partner. There was also infidelity.

“Yeah,” Zach says.

Pudding: Imagine having to share your trauma with that door knob.

Then Zach says he was in a relationship where he only did what the other person wanted and he didn’t even know what his own favorite music is.

Pudding: Nickelback. You already told us.

Back at the hotel, the next group date card is dropped off. Jess is on it, meaning she’s not getting a one-on-one. She starts crying because she’s the last one to get a one-on-one date.

The next morning Charity talks about her date and makes a reference to Kat stealing Zach before her date.

Kat says she doesn’t want to talk about it before the group date.

Brooklyn says, “Oh, you don’t want to talk about it before the group date? You don’t want to ruin your time with Zach?”

“Why are you being so aggressive?” Kat asks.

“Because you have your head up your ass,” Brooklyn replies.

Click for spoilers

a woman is frustrated

For their date they go to a cottage and meet a Grand Witch who helps heal people. They do rituals to cleanse their energies.

Jess is still struggling with being the last person chosen for a solo date. There’s part of a ritual where she and Zach are holding a candle together and the wind blows it out. She takes it as a sign.

Zach and the women on the group date

During the cocktail hour, Zach thanks the women for being open-minded about the date he didn’t plan and probably learned about at the exact same time they did.

Gabi says, “He’s a gem. He’s actually a gem.”

Zach has said zero interesting things this entire season.

Pudding: I made something more interesting than Zach in the litter box earlier.

Jess tells Zach that she’s a hopeless romantic and has been “knocked down so many times” and that she’s not as confident as the other women. She says not having a one-on-one isn’t helping.

“That shouldn’t be a factor,” Zach says. “That’s not a thing.”

She says she feels pressure because he hasn’t seen all of her yet.

What do these things even mean?

Zach says he doesn’t want her to feel like this is “a process.”

Fun fact, they aren’t supposed to say process, they’re supposed to say journey. Really.

She says the one-one-one is when women are vulnerable to him.

Zach is frustrated. “I feel so confident in us, and it’s about a one-on-one? What am I missing?”

Pudding: If I hear the words “one-on-one” again, I’m throwing up in a shoe. I don’t even care who it belongs to.

So then, two seconds after he said he felt confident in them, Zach says he’s nervous and not confident.

Jess says she’s not going to “beg” for him.

WTF just happened? Zach did a 180 in half a minute. Apparently Jess feeling insecure and needing some reassurance was too much?

He walks her out. The whole thing is super abrupt and weird. The feeling I get is Zach can’t handle any form of disagreement or tension between him and the women.

Pudding: Well that’s a great sign.

Jess tells Zach she's insecure

So then it gets weirder.

As he walks back from the limo of tears, Zach says “What the fuck?”

Right, we’re on the same page there, Bud Bud.

Then he tells the other women he had to let Jess go and it was for “a shocking reason,” like she’d been running some kind of underground fight ring in conjunction with the show or something.

Then he tells them he won’t be giving out a rose tonight and they’re all “WTF” and I’m WTF and Zach is WTF, too.

My guess is this just was really poorly edited and there was supposed to be more ramp up to the drama or something, or, more alarmingly, Zach really cannot handle tension in an adult way at all and runs away from it.

Remember Zach fled The Bachelorette after the Fantasy Suite night with Rachel, panicking that she was “inauthentic” with him? He seriously acted like once they were alone she peeled back her own face to reveal a lizard person or something.

Zach has some issues, I’m thinking, and I do not care about watching his “journey” to resolve them.

Anywhoo.

The next day is the solo date with Ariel. They go to a traditional sauna. They are told that people traditionally go in the sauna in the nude. HAHAHAHA NAKE BODIES ARE FUNNY.

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Grumpy cat is annoyed

They wear swimsuits. Another couple comes in, naked, and they make a whole thing about it.

“Can’t wait for my parents to see this,” Ariel says.

Zach says he’s traumatized.

Jesus Christ. Calm down.

Then Ariel makes some gross joke about how the older people are more likely to be naked in the sauna and says, “I feel like I welcomed them. Like mom and dad! Come in!”

So first of all, are all naked bodies funny or just “older” ones? Also this very much a cultural difference and chill out. If it makes you that uncomfortable you can leave.

I hate this part of this franchise where they essentially make another culture out to be weird (like the often do by making them eat non-western foods).

Then Zach and Ariel make out in a random hot tub, and the previous couple comes and joins them (still naked).

During dinner Zach says he likes the “comfortability” he has with Ariel. She gets a date rose.

So then prior to the Dreaded Rose Ceremony, Zach tells the ladies that his interaction with Jess was unexpected and he absolutely feels his person is the room.

Sure.

Charity asks to talk to Kat. Brooklyn follows them into a side room where Kat is talking to Charity and saying she stands by what she did when she “stole” Zach  before Charity’s one-on-one.

Brooklyn asks if she would have done that had it been Jess and not Charity. Kat storms off.

“I’m strong up until a point but I can’t keep getting pushed down,” Kat says.

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Hannibal rolls his eyes

Zach pulls Kat aside and asks if there was tension on the group date. Kat says there wasn’t.

Then after that pointlessness, it’s time for The Dreaded Rose Ceremony. Charity and Ariel have date roses.  Everyone else is at risk.

Aly is the one sent home.

Are you watching? What do you think the real deal with Jess is?

 

Comments are Closed

  1. HeatherS says:

    Don’t know and don’t care about Zach or Jess or any of it. I’m just here for Pudding’s commentary. If they took out the boring door knob men and just made this show about women going on group trips and becoming friends and supporting each other, I’d watch it.

  2. Kris says:

    Pudding looks like she’s had enough of the insanity. Wise lady.

  3. Nancy Levine says:

    Three cheers for pudding! She needs her own show!

    I’m still watching. I hope they have the senior Bachelor/Bachelorette. I think that would be great. If they don’t, and the shows are more like this season, I’ll probably quit watching and watch HGTV or the Food Network.

  4. Kris Bock says:

    Maybe the editing team has gotten so bored they’re just throwing together random segments and figuring it will make as much sense as anything on the show does.

  5. cat_blue says:

    Hey I just wanted to let you know, “lizard person” is an anti-Semitic dogwhistle. I know that’s not what was intended here but it’s a very insulting and not-at-all neutral term.

    Gabi says, “He’s a gem. He’s actually a gem.”
    Sorry, no, that’s just a sparkly piece of fishtank gravel.

    I can’t tell if the Jess-Zach standoff was edited to be as confusing as possible or they tried to play out the “insecurity” angle with both of them and decided to just use all of the footage to pad the run time. It reminds me of a short-lived trend on Vine (remember Vine?) where they’d take a TED talk and edit it down to 6 seconds of random words/noises/funny faces

    Then he tells the other women he had to let Jess go and it was for “a shocking reason,” like she’d been running some kind of underground fight ring in conjunction with the show or something.
    I wish. How is it possible to make a date with actual witchcraft sound so…boring? Sacrifice someone to a dark entity of chaos already!

    Yeahhhh, I’m definitely also getting the vibe Zach has issues, either with relationships, confrontation, women in general…common mistake in new screenwriters, confusing “traumatic backstory, lingering issues” with “interesting characters.” I don’t mean to downplay any actual issues this actual human being has, but I also think that this show sees it as Prime Time Drama Material and will likely feed into it if they can find a way to do it.

    As always, lovely to see the lovely Lady Pudding!

  6. Gail says:

    None of this made sense to me (granted I’m a non-watcher) but I agree that Pudding poop has more personality than this Zach person.

  7. SB Sarah says:

    @cat_blue: HOLY SHIT REALLY? I had no idea – thank you for telling me. That’s a new one to add to my “have mercy, who comes UP with this” list.

    Also, “Sparkly piece of fishtank gravel” is HILARIOUS.

  8. HeatherS says:

    And here I have thought (since I first heard/saw the phrase) that it meant someone who was perpetually cold and cranks up the heat and wears sweaters all the time, even in summer.

    Learn something new every day (even if that something is gross and anti-Semitic and racist and WHY ARE PEOPLE LIKE THIS JUST STOP BEING TERRIBLE???).

  9. Kate says:

    I heard about the Estonian witch from a friend and was like, ‘Oh I need to watch!’ and then remembered the Pudding/Elyse recap had been posted already so was spared the ordeal.

  10. cat_blue says:

    @SB Sarah & HeatherS: Ugh, I know, right? Racists gotta ruin everything for everyone.

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