Elyse Watches The Bachelor–S27 E10: Shower Crying

Elyse Watches The Bachelor with Kraken Rum and CokeIt’s Fantasy Suites night on The Bachelor.

Cheers to my friend Jen who is here and said, “Wait, there are 27 fucking seasons of this show?!”

Indeed.

Lady Pudding is currently not talking to me as she has to briefly wear the cone of shame (she’s fine, it’s so she doesn’t lick a topical med off her fur).

Pudding is wearing a blue cone collar
Sleep with one eye open, mother.

We’re in Thailand, BTW.

Not Pudding and me, the people on this show.

Jesse reminds us that on The Bachelorette it was the Fantasy Suite night that made Zach decide to quit the show. He had a really weird reaction and felt like Rachel was being fake and felt like something was off.

My guess? There was potentially an ounce of conflict and he bailed, as is his MO.

Then Zach drops the bombshell that there’s not going to be “any sex of any kind” during the Fantasy Suite dates. Jen just looked over at me and rolled her eyes.

Jen: “He’s just very… he’s very white bread, milk is spicy… It just…”

Yup.

“I gotta ask you man, this is just us talking,” Jesse asks IN FRONT OF THE CAMERA AND CREW, “Are you gonna be able to pull this off? It’s gonna be hard.”

Zach says he doesn’t imagine that’s how a healthy engagement should start. With sex? Okay.

THEN HE TAKES ANOTHER FUCKING SHOWER.

Click for Zach

a cat stands in the shower and licks the water

Then Ariel, who has the first date, says that being physical with someone is an important part of a relationship for her and she’s looking forward to the overnight date.

Well, that should go great.

Pudding: He’s going to totally have sex with one of them and cry about it later. Probably in the shower.

Click for Zach...probably

a man cries in the shower

So he and Ariel go to a night market and do that enraging thing where they eat “gross” food from another culture, in this case cooked insects. They order “the grossest one.” This is so disrespectful.

Zach keeps telling the camera how hot his chemistry is with Ariel. At one point they kiss and this woman who gloriously does not give a fuck, just walks into the shot to get a video of a fire eater.

During dinner Ariel tells Zach she’s falling in love with him and his eyes get huge but in a not great way.

Then he tells Ariel “sex is off the table” with regard to the Fantasy Suite. He says there’s only going to be one person at the end of this, and sex should be with them only.

She tells the camera she’s disappointed.

The next day he goes on his date with Gabi. She meets Zach on the beach and they have a discussion as to whether or not they’re sweaty.

They go to a private island where they drink champagne on the beach. Gabi tells him she feels like she got into her head after spending ten days apart from Zach.

Pudding: That sounds like a lovely reprieve.

Zach tells her not to feel that way and it gets tense. Eventually she walks away and starts crying and says she feels “stupid and foolish and ugly. I don’t feel like I can even go back there.”

I…okay. That ramped up quickly.

She says her last boyfriend cheated on her, and she felt again like she’s coming second.

“I’m so overtired,” she says tearfully.

Okay, things are making more sense now. I get really emotional when I’m exhausted, too.

Gabi and Zach walk hand in hand.

During dinner, Gabi tells him she’s falling in love with him.

Zach lets her know about the no sex thing. She looks skeptical or maybe rejected.

Gabi says she doesn’t see herself being engaged to someone she’s never had sex with, but that they’ll “work on it.”

“It’ll be great,” she sighs. “I can’t wait for him to see my skincare routine.”

Cut to the next morning and the two of them are cuddling in bed.

Zach and Gabi cuddle in bed.

Back his hotel, Zach says the whole night was passionate and special, but that something unexpected happened and now he feels like he has a secret.

Pudding: CALLED IT.

So then Jesse comes over for bro time and Zach tells him that he had sex with Gabi. It is so awkward. It feels like he’s confessing to a parental figure, and they’re the same age.

“Do you want to tell the other women what happened?” Jesse asks.

Zach says they need to know.  Then he says, “This was an act of love, not lust.”

The next shot is Kaity getting ready for her date and Zach walking up a pathway. But surprise! When he knocks on the hotel door, it’s Gabi!

He tells her that he wants to tell the other women they were intimate because he doesn’t want to have secrets. He literally cannot say the word “sex.”

Gabi says she didn’t think it bothered him that much and is clearly caught off guard. She tells the camera that she feels like it was between them and now it’s between them and everyone else.

Jen: Ma’am, you are on a televised show.

Then Zach tells her he’s falling in love with her.

So then it is time for Kaity’s date. They go kayaking in a clear boat.

Zach and Kaity hold hands

So after they randomly make out in a rain shower, Zach super awkwardly tells Kaity about how he made the no sex rule and broke it.

Kaity says that she knew there would be the potential for him to be sleeping with the other women, but she could have gone without him telling her about it.

“I’m not happy so I’m not going to pretend I’m happy,” she says. “It’s weird.”

He says he’s sorry and she says, “Well you’re not sorry you did it.”

She asks the camera how he expected her to feel. She says, “I wasn’t going to give him a high five like, way to go, pal.”

He tries to hug her and she says, “It’s real weird, Zach.”

He says he doesn’t want them to get engaged and her to be blindsided.

Then she tells him that she already knew the gist of the week and she doesn’t care to hear about whether or not he slept with someone else.

Kaity tells a PA she doesn’t think she can go into tonight when she’s so unhappy and that she just wants to go home.

Kaity eventually does show up to dinner, although she doesn’t look thrilled. She says that the day was a step back, but she feels confident they can get through it.

Click for me

Ryan Renolds says but why

Eventually they go to the Fantasy Suite.

The next day is the Dreaded Rose Ceremony.

Gabi says she doesn’t know if she wants a rose because she feels like Zach broke her trust by sharing that he slept with her.

In the end Gabi does accept a rose and so does Kaity.

As Zach is walking Ariel out, Kaity says to Gabi, “I know you were the only one.”

“I feel like I’m wearing a scarlet A on my chest,” says Gabi.

“Oh my God, no. Don’t do that,” Kaity says.

Zach comes back and they all do an uncomfortable champagne toast.

Are you watching?

Gabi and Kaity stand on either side of Zach, each holding a rose

Comments are Closed

  1. Susie says:

    Brill recap! But honest I can not suspend my disbelief for one moment… any man or woman who would allow cameras at private moments is just 100% fake and icky and I don’t understand how anyone can find these people attractive. It’s like watching pr0n without the sex… I don’t get it. The only thing I get is that these people with minimal talent go on the shows as it gives them some form of fame. And they can cash that in for a few products/bucks I guess. I guess I don’t know why people like the show as it’s all cringe for me.

  2. Star says:

    Elyse, is a Medically Mandated Cat Onesie an option? My cats are brilliant escape artists who can get the Cone of Shame off within ten minutes (not exaggerating), so that’s what I’ve had to use. They don’t love it, and some are more outrageously unacceptable than others (the first one I tried caused my cat to walk backwards and sort of randomly fall over), but I did find another one they were resigned to, and definitely they are much less unhappy with the Medically Mandated Cat Onesie solution overall.

  3. Elyse says:

    @Star Brilliant idea!

  4. MelMc says:

    Yes for cat onesies. My vet won’t even suggest cones. She says instead of an injured cat you end up with a neurotic injured cat who isn’t resting.

  5. Nancy Levine says:

    Still watching ’til the bitter end. Thanks for the recap and more Pudding love.
    Ariel was my favorite, but I think all the ladies are too good for Zach.

  6. TN says:

    Cat licking shower water 100% worth Bachelor nonsense

  7. Kris Bock says:

    “Are you gonna be able to pull this off? It’s gonna be hard.”

    That had to be intentional, right? It’s not even a double entender. More like a single.

    THEN HE TAKES ANOTHER FUCKING SHOWER.
    Click for Zach

    Hahaha! Zach wishes he was that cute.

  8. Timothy says:

    Elyse, Is it possible to get a Medically Mandated Cat Onesie? I’ve had to employ my cats, who are excellent escape artists who can remove the Cone of Shame in less than ten minutes (I’m not kidding). They don’t love it, and some of them are more blatantly unacceptable than others (the first one I tried made my cat walk backwards and sort of randomly fall over), but I did manage to find another option that they were willing to put up with, and overall they are much happier with the Medically Mandated Cat Onesie solution.

  9. cat_blue says:

    “They ask for ‘the grossest one.'” Don’t need to ask, you’re already making out with it. I hate this racist trash attitude. Your mother taught you not to call other people’s stuff ‘gross.’

    Gabi, Kaity, get out of there. He doesn’t respect your privacy and the standards he sets for himself don’t matter the second he decides he wants gratification (not a euphemism…well, kind of a euphemism). It WILL get worse and he WILL play the victim when you confront him because he “doesn’t like confrontation” and “just wanted to be honest.” Ariel, you dodged a bullet.

    Really, the entire way this ‘No Sex Except Yes Sex’ thing was handled is deeply gross. Zach’s major sins so far were being boring and refusing to handle confrontation in the slightest (and wasting water), but this trampled the boundaries of everyone involved.

    I want to go kayaking on a clear boat in Thailand, that sounds amazing. Glad Pudding is healthy and still her usual cranky, majestic self!

  10. HeatherS says:

    Still here for Pudding 100%.

  11. Gail says:

    This guy is such a dork I truly can’t understand why any of these ladies would even consider marrying him. Ugh!

  12. Anony Miss says:

    I do not watch this show.

    But I RELIGIOUSLY read Elyse’s commentaries.

    Like the amount of times I refresh my feed reader to see if a new one came in is… not small.

    Thank you, Elyse. If nothing else, boy do you help me appreciate my husband.

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