Elyse Watches The Bachelorette–S19 E12: Finally the Finale

Finally, finally after so much nonsense it’s the live 3 hour finale of The Bachelorette.

THREE FUCKING HOURS OF THIS BULLSHIT.

I have a cookie the size of my head. It’ll be okay.

Oh, also Zach will be the new Bachelor.

Pudding: …oh, joy.

Dale opens up by telling us, “This season has really been brutal.”

YOU FUCKIN’ THINK?

So we cut back to Gabby walking away from Erich while crying because he told Gabby he wanted to date her (versus get engaged).

“The underlying thing is, what I think is what we have is genuinely real which I never fucking expected,” Erich says, confirming he came on the show to be social media famous. “Let’s try.”

“I wanna leave here engaged, and I only want it with Erich,” Gabby says.

Pudding: Well, that’s convenient because all your other suitors left.

Then we see Rachel go to Tino’s room. She tells him he’s the last contestant left and they make out noisily. He makes a comment about betting everything he owns that they are forever.

Pudding: Stay tuned to watch Tino lose everything that he owns!

It’s the next day and Rachel puts on a fancy white dress and goes to meet Tino to give him the final rose.

My husband: Wait, did we miss Neil Lane?

Maybe he couldn’t lower himself to be on this season.

So they chose to film this part in front of a fountain which is messing with all of the audio.

Tino says the last thing he wants to do is break her heart, but there’s something he has to say. After much dramatic music he adds cheekily, “This is never going away.”

He proposes and she accepts. They ride off on a white horse. For real.

We go back to the studio in LA where Rachel is being interviewed by Dale. Rachel tells him that she and Tino went through a difficult time.

She says that Tino cheated on her.

“Are you doing okay?” Dale asks.

“No,” Rachel says.

Then they show us the footage of Rachel confronting Tino. First, Gabby shows up at Rachel’s place (or wherever they’re filming). Rachel says Tino only cares about how he looks and he apparently told her he regretted telling her that he cheated.

He also told her not to tell anyone. “You don’t want me to have support,” she reflects.

“Honestly, fuck him and kick him in the fucking balls. You don’t deserve this,” Gabby says.

Gabby leaves, Tino shows up, and he’s breathing super hard.

Tino says he kissed another girl, but the second he did he knew he belonged with Rachel. “This is the tiniest thing ever so I–but like I’m not taking away from you at all and the emotional roller coaster it puts you on — but I just tried to get past it…”

Then–I shit you not–he opens his journal and references her commenting that she didn’t know if she could do the “happy couples” recap, didn’t want to wear her ring to After the Final Rose, and that she thought he wants to be the next Bachelor.

How is this relevant to you kissing someone else?

[Ed. note: I believe this is the A in the DARVO.]

“Yes, we were going through a hard time, but never once did we say we were broken up,” she argues.

“I agree,” he says.

“I don’t want to keep circling back on past stuff,” Tino says.

Pudding: You don’t say…

She points out he never says he was sorry. He starts apologizing.

“Are you sorry or sorry you got caught?” she asks.

“It was a one time mistake,” he says.

“I doubt it,” she says.

“Is there a way this works out, Rachel?” he asks.

“Do you honestly think you deserve to be with me?” Rachel asks.

So then he goes outside and tells a PA that she just wants to “beat him up” and is “throwing him under the bus.”

[Ed. note: And we have arrived at the RVO! Please check the area around your seat for your personal belongings, and thank you for riding the DARVO express.]

He starts weeping and says, “She’s totally crucifying me. She just wants to make me look bad.”

You’re doing fine on that on your own, my dude. Also you don’t deserve to drive a forklift. I am using my sacred power as a logistics professional and boss ass bitch to revoke your certification.

Pudding: *lights certification on fire*

Tino is now really crying and honestly it’s super whiney and obnoxious. He is SO butthurt he got called out on camera. Woe is you, dude.

He goes back to Rachel and asks what she wants. She points out he’s not taking any accountability.

He keeps throwing out there that Rachel went to therapy like there was something wrong with her that she had fix. How is her going to therapy relevant to anything?

“I just had to forgive myself and bury it,” he says.

“Do you hear the words coming out of your mouth?” she asks.

“…yeah?” he replies.

Then Rachel points out that he’s telling her that he thought they were broken up, but he told the woman he kissed (and totally boned) that he was engaged.

“I’m so confused,” he says.

“At which part? I will clarify it for you,” she replies.

Tino leaves again to cry-whine. He’s also walking around outside with his shirt unbuttoned rubbing his chest. I honestly think he’s drunk.

When Tino goes back inside he apologizes and says he loves Rachel and says they can move past this.

“I’m done,” Rachel says.

He asks her not to give up. She puts the ring on the table. He leaves, carrying his little journal with him.

We cut back to LA and Dale says, “I don’t know what to say.”

Pudding: So don’t say anything.

The haul Tino back onstage because this wasn’t painful enough. The audience boos.

Tino says he didn’t want to “put any of this on you” and apologizes for cheating. It’s extremely rehearsed.

“You completely put it on me,” she says.

“I was trying to provide the context of what I did,” he says.

Then he starts talking about how they went through a really hard time and he says things were said like “I can’t love you anymore.”

“Am I crazy?” she asks. “You’re putting this on me again.”

“No one made me do anything, I’m just trying to put context into my headspace,” he says. He claims when she refused to wear the engagement ring it affected his ego and insecurities.

Rachel points out their engagement was never over. He sits there with his mouth open like a trout.

Then he adds this gem, “I am really, really sorry… that we are sitting here.”

Then Aven comes out. The audience goes wild. He asks if she wants to get out of there and catch up. She says, “I would love nothing more.” They leave.

After a commercial Aven and Rachel are still gone. Gabby is on the couch now.

We cut back to Mexico. While Gabby is trying to tell Erich how she feels about him, two peacocks in the background are losing their shit and we can’t hear anything.

Pudding: It’s for the best.

He proposes and she accepts.

Back in LA, Erich comes out on stage and kisses Gabby. He still desperately needs a haircut.

Dale confronts Erich, saying an ex claimed on social media that he only broke up with her in order to go on the show.

Erich says they were only dating for about a month and it wasn’t a long-term relationship.

Gabby says she knew about it way before the text messages were leaked.

Dale asks if we’re ready to meet the next Bachelor.

Pudding: No.

Zach comes out on stage.

Dale says they are flying the most beautiful, interesting women to LA for his season.

Pudding: I didn’t get a ticket…

We learn that Zach will meet some of his contestants tonight, and America will vote on who stays.

First up is Brooklyn. Then the sound on my TV cuts out and honestly, it’s just better that way.

Then we get Brianna. They take a selfie with a Polaroid.

Bailey is next. Are we just getting the B names tonight?

Next up is Cat. She says dating her is “not for the weak.”

Then we get Christina from Nashville. She’s wearing glittery cowboy boots.

Dale comes out and asks Zach to name all the women he just met. He says, “Bailynn” and then just descends into a blind panic.

The winner of the online voting is Brianna and she gets a first impression rose.

And that’s it. Did you watch this season?