Tonight you guys get a two episode recap of The Bachelor because my computer died last week and I had to wait for a replacement.
I asked Pudding if she was excited for another season and this was her expression:
So it’s Clayton’s season.
He gets to be the Bachelor presumably because he passed COVID protocols and was there. He’s a former college football player and from Missouri.
He also looks like Luther from Umbrella Academy.
Replacing Chris Harrison is former Bachelor Jesse Palmer, and I can already tell he’s not up to withstanding the rage of the Rose God.
They are also filming back at the McMansion, probably because science has confirmed those surfaces are so contaminated that COVID can’t live there.
I’m going to kind of blow through the first night because it’s introducing a lot of the women as they come out of limos, and it’s boring. There are 5 nurses on this season though, and it says something about burnout in that profession when being on The Bachelor is preferable.
Right away, one of the women, Salley, starts crying. She was previously engaged and the first night is the day she was supposed to be getting married before she broke up with her fiancé. She says she misses her family and is “an emotional wreck.”
We haven’t even done the parade of limos yet and she goes to talk to Clayton.
She tells Clayton that part of her is “being pulled home.” WE AREN’T EVEN TO THE FIRST NIGHT YET. Then she says, “I feel really weird being here. I’m really struggling.” Then she starts crying.
They haven’t even hosed the driveway down yet, guys.
Clayton thanks her for being vulnerable and says they have chemistry (they’ve talked for 30 seconds) and then he gives her a rose. She asks to take a moment because she’s freaking out. She goes out in the hallway and sobs to someone on the phone.
We are fifteen minutes in and this season is a glorious disaster.
So Salley comes back in and says she feels their connection (they have known each other for 30 seconds) but says her heart isn’t in the right place. Clayton walks her out while she continues to cry.
WHAT IS THIS?
“The first rose I have given out as The Bachelor was rejected,” Clayton reflects.
So then it’s parade of limos time. There’s a lot of sparkly dresses and balayage.
Elizabeth gives Clayton a 100 year old picture of her grandparents together and I’m like DO NOT DO THAT. The first kiss of the night goes to Teddi, a surgical nurse. Then there’s a lot more kissing with more women.
Claire tells everyone she feels awkward and like she doesn’t have chemistry with Clayton, but she’s also completely shitfaced at this point. “I can’t be with fucking America’s sweetheart,” she slurs.
“Did you talk to him?” someone asks.
“Yeah and I hated it,” she replies.
Clayton asks to talk to her. Based on her speech and movements, I’m fairly certain she’s blackout drunk. Someone just needs to put this woman to bed and leave her a bottle of water.
She tells him they have no chemistry, but she’s not making a ton of sense. Clayton walks her out and I hope, for serious, that someone makes sure she’s safe.
Then it’s time for The Dreaded Rose Ceremony.
Clayton sends home Daria, Hailey, Ivana, Jane, Lindsay D, Rianna, and Samantha. Three out of the five nurses are in that group, so Clayton has now done more for staffing ratios in a pandemic than most hospital systems (just kidding! Healthcare systems are completely overwhelmed. Don’t hate me.).
On to episode two! I am also officially drunk by now.
It’s time for the first group date. They go to different mansion where there are a bunch of kids going apeshit in a bouncy house in the backyard. Hilary Duff is there too. She tells the women they are throwing a little girl named Maya the birthday party of her dreams. Maya is not Duff’s daughter, BTW.
The women are given different tasks, like setting up games, dressing up like a clown and building a giant dollhouse. Cassidy opts out of everything and says she’s just there to date Clayton.
There was always a Cassidy in every group project I did, and I always picked up her slack, so I officially dislike Cassidy. DO YOUR SHARE, GIRL. She and Clayton go make out by the pool and the other women are understandably annoyed.
Then the kids come out and create chaos. “I spent as little time around you small people as possible,” Cassidy says. Then to top things off, Cassidy comes out with Maya’s birthday cake and drops it in the lawn.
She tells the camera she’s a frontrunner, which we all know is the death knell for any contestant. During the cocktail hour, Cassidy tells the other women she knows she’s getting the date rose.
When they point out she didn’t help at all during the date she replies, “Nobody is paying us.”
Cassidy does get the group date rose.
The first one-on-one date goes to Susie and they go on a helicopter ride. The helicopter budget for this show only slightly exceeds the horse budget.
I’m terrified of heights and flying and the only way I’m ever getting in a helicopter is I’m being life-flighted somewhere.
They land on a yacht and of course there’s a hot tub. Gross. She gets the date rose.
Then it’s time for the next group date. Comedian Ziwe is waiting for the women in a classroom. They play Never Have I Ever.
Interestingly, all of the women have faked an orgasm.
Then they do an obstacle course that reminds me a lot of Double Dare.
Shanae pushes Elizabeth who gets angry. Shanae’s team still doesn’t win. Then during the cocktail hour, Elizabeth grabs Clayton before Shanae can and you see where this is going.
Shanae goes off to cry in the bushes because she says Elizabeth is fake and two-faced. She tells Clayton this during their alone time and he asks to speak to Elizabeth privately.
He confronts her with Shanae’s accusation that Elizabeth is two faced and treats her differently in the mansion than she does in front of Clayton. Elizabeth says that’s BS and that Shanae actually pushed her in the obstacle course but she didn’t bring it up because she’s not a petty bitch. Okay she didn’t say the last part but it’s implied.
Then Elizabeth goes up to Shanae and asks to talk in the crying bushes. Shanae says Elizabeth gives off mean girl energy. Elizabeth says if it seems like she was ignoring Shanae, it might be because she has ADHD and she struggles to process when multiple conversations are going on around her at the same time. Somehow Shanae manages to make this about her being a victim and cries some more.
Elizabeth says she hopes Shanae is okay and that they can just move on.
Sarah gets the group date rose. After Clayton leaves, Shanae loudly announces to the group that Elizabeth has ADHD which… WTF. Are you ten? I take that back. My niece is nine and she’s more sensitive and smarter than that.
So then it’s the next night at the pre-Dreaded Rose Ceremony cocktail hour. Shanae asks to talk to Elizabeth AGAIN.
Shanae asks Elizabeth if its her ADHD or if she has a problem with her specifically and Elizabeth points out this is really inappropriate. Then Shanae asks if she’s telling everyone in the house she has ADHD because she doesn’t know what the word “inappropriate” means. Then Shanae says, “I have ADHD… Everyone, I mean, little kids have ADHD.”
Elizabeth chooses to walk away.
The other women back Elizabeth up and say Shanae needs to apologize.
“I feel brain dead after that interaction,” Kate says.
Then we get some footage of Cassidy telling Sierra that she has a “little fuckbuddy” back home and that she was Facetiming him while in quarantine at the hotel. Sierra tells Clayton.
This season is a goddamn mess and I love it.
Clayton talks to Jesse and asks if it’s possible to rescind a rose. And then we get a To Be Continued.
Are you watching?