Elyse Watches The Bachelor–S25 E8: Little Elise

We open with a shot of two swans swimming across a pond which is appropriate because, as my husband put it, “Swans are bastards.”

This is hometowns week, which is the week when the Bachelor meets the remaining four contestants’ families and one dad is obligated to ask him, “But how do you feel about my daughter compared to the other relationships.”

This is the cringiest week.

[Ed. note: I just cringed so hard.]

If you are here purely for the Pudding update, I’m happy to report that she’s doing amazing. She now enjoys petting and will lay next to me purring while showing me her tummy (tummies are for looking at only, not petting). She’s a sweet, sassy girl. She works with me in the mornings and gets hours of affection every day.

Instead of going to the contestants’ actual hometowns (due to the pandemic) these poor people will have to show up at the Necronomicon for this nonsense.

First up is Michelle who is from Minnesota. She and Matt are both wearing lavender shirts coincidentally. They start off going for a bike ride, which is something her family did together in the evenings.

Michelle asks Matt if he sees himself as the kind of dad who would go on bike rides with his kids.

“I feel like that would be like my perfect life, but honestly in reality I see my kids ripping past me and trying to kick me off my bike and stuff,” he says.

Jesus. Future Matt’s kids are assholes.

Then they do a video chat with Michelle’s elementary school students who are adorable. They ask him questions.

Evan asks if they’ve kissed yet. Evan isn’t fucking around here. Evan only has so much time today. Matt tells him they’re holding hands.

Mamie asks how many girlfriends he has. Another girl asks if they’re going to have babies.

Then a little girl named Elise (an ELYSE! This kid will be awesome) reads a note Michelle wrote her encouraging her before a test and she asks how Matt will inspire Michelle.

He won’t. He’s gonna go on Dancing with the Stars and that’s it, little Elise. The world is hard and weird and I’m glad you don’t need to know that yet.

That night they meet Michelle’s parents. Michelle tells her dad that she would say yes if Matt proposed. Matt tells him he’d be willing to move to Minnesota. Coming from North Carolina, he’s in for a surprise when winter shows up…

Later Michelle tells him she’s in love with him.

The next day it’s Rachael’s turn. She tells Matt they are going to do the “ultimate trust fall.” They go skydiving.

“Matt if I die, I’m glad I’m dying with you,” Rachael says.

Rachael and her tandem diver land hard, as in face first. It’s brutal. Her head snaps back. Matt runs over to her. Cue dramatic music.

She’s okay but she definitely biffed it. She has a mouth full of grass. She says her back hurts really bad so THEY PUSH HER INTO A SITTING POSITION. DO NOT DO THAT WITH A POTENTIAL SPINAL INJURY JFC.

“You don’t realize how much you care until there’s like a chance you can be gone,” Matt tells her.

Rachael says he’s making her emotional AS SHE PICKS GRASS OUT OF HER TEETH.

Also how fucked up does your relationship need to be that it takes a near death incident to make you realize you love someone?

Later, while probably concussed, Rachael introduces her family to Matt. Rachael’s mom is upset she wasn’t invited on the near-death sky diving date which I’m sure is super normal and not a red flag whatsoever.

Rachael’s dad thinks this is too fast for a relationship to progress to engagement and doesn’t like that Matt is pursuing multiple women at once.

Next up it’s Bri’s turn. Matt says he’s in a place with Bri that’s “comfortable” but that they need to “push past that.”

What’s wrong with comfortable? Isn’t past that uncomfortable? Isn’t that a thing you don’t want to be?

They go off-roading in a Jeep, which Bri says is payback for when Matt flipped the ATV with her on it. Then they have a picnic.

That night he meets her mom, her best friend and her infant sister. Bri tells her mom she’s falling in love with Matt and that she has to let her walls down and tell him. Later she does and Matt says, “Thank you for sharing that with me.”

Finally it’s Serena P’s turn. She’s Canadian and they have a room set up with Canadian stuff like flags and a plush moose. She teaches him lingo and they eat poutine. Mmmm poutine.

That night they meet her parents and sister.  Her mom expresses concerns that the “journey” is moving too quickly.

Serena’s sister, Talia, asks if she loves him, and Serena says, “He on paper and in my head checks every box.” She adds, “I do sometimes feel like I’m catching up to his feelings. I’m falling for him.”

Her sister says she thinks something is missing and Serena doesn’t seem smitten. Talia says she thinks Serena is talking herself into this.

Later Serena tells her mom that she felt very sure of her last relationship and got really hurt, and now she’s struggling with making the right decision.

The next night Matt goes to talk to Serena because he can tell something is off. “I know this process is a lot, but I’ve known how I feel about you for a long time,” Matt says.

Serena tells Matt initially that she thought her hesitancy was due to fear, but that after some time she realized, “I don’t think you’re my person.”

Matt is crushed because on a show where he’s rejected like 30 women, someone just rejected him.

She walks him out.

Then we cut to the Dreaded Rose Ceremony. The other women wonder where Serena is. Matt paces in the hallway. There’s three women and three roses, and I don’t need Chris Harrison to do the math for me. Everyone gets a rose.

And that’s where we end. Next week is Fantasy Suites.

[Ed. note: I just cringed again.]

Are you watching?