It’s been a weird week and it’s time for a weird episode of The Bachelor.
We open with a totally gratuitous shot of Matt in the shower. Then we see the women assembled on a drinking couch. One of them is wearing the cable-knit Chris Evans sweater from Knives Out. Chris Harrison tells them that because we have a record number of women not everyone will get a date this week.
Khalyah says, “The prospect of not getting time with Matt is terrifying. If I don’t go on a date with Matt I know I will always be thinking ‘what if,’ and it will kill me.”
Probably not, but okay.
Chelsea is wearing this enormous jacket and I hope it’s so she can smuggle snacks on the group date.
The first one-on-one date goes to Bri and she and Matt go ATVing. Now, that’s a whole big thing where I live and I have to say this segment was extremely nerve racking.
First of all, they seem to ride on the pavement for quite a bit which is actually kinda dangerous especially if you’re not experienced because ATVs aren’t made for that. Then they have helmets on, but Bri is wearing a sleeveless shirt. GIRL. Then Bri gets on Matt’s ATV and he fucking flips it.
I nearly had a heart attack. I cannot explain how dangerous this is. I know a person who died after accidentally flipping their ATV. The possibility of being permanently fucked up from something like that is very real.
Then they find a hot tub in the woods, and for unknown reasons, Matt has to chop firewood and again we’re ignoring basic safety. He doesn’t wear a shirt (IDK why) and he should absolutely be wearing safety googles.
They get into the hot tub and smooch for awhile.
Back at the Necronomicon, Nemacolin, whatever the fuck it is, Queen Victoria is auditioning for the role of season villain by being generally obnoxious.
At the dinner they aren’t allowed to eat, it’s time for the show to highlight a contestant’s trauma as a way to make them sympathetic and deserving of love. (Gross.) Bri fulfills the performative trauma portion of the date and talks about
how her mom had her at age thirteen.
Both of them relate to having estranged relationships with their fathers. Bri gets the date rose.
Meanwhile Queen Victoria is telling everyone they are mean to her, especially her roommate Marylynn, even though everyone is just minding their own business. She decides she’s not sharing a room and finds a couch in the lobby to sleep on.
The producers make sure she’s on the group date to stir up as much shit as possible. They do the same date they do every season, where the women try on wedding dresses and pose for wedding photos with Matt.
Queen Victoria wears a crown and veil and even after her shoot is over, she keeps coming back for more photos. She has Matt take a garter off her thigh. Then she makes out with him. She also wears a very visible black bra under her ensemble.
Anyway, halfway through the photoshoot Chris Harrison shows up and says that they are changing things up and Matt is looking for someone to fight for him. I can only assume the women are about to enter gladiatorial combat to the death, which would at least speed this season up.
In their wedding dresses the women march down a hill to a clearing in the woods where they’re playing “capture the heart.” It’s basically capture the flag that involves paint? I’m still not sure how this works other than they’ll be divided in two teams and the winning team gets more time with Matt.
Queen Victoria says, “I think my team is a bunch of queens and the other team is a bunch of gestures.”
I couldn’t make this shit up if I tried.
The rules never become clear, but the red team, aka Victoria’s team, wins.
During the cocktail hour Matt and Lauren bond over how important their Christian faith is to them. Queen Victoria tells Matt she’s insecure about her appearance. When Matt gives Lauren the group date rose, she’s not happy.
Then it’s time for the second one-on-one with Sarah. The get into a vintage biplane to survey the fall colors and the whole thing looks like a fucking nightmare to me. I hate flying and I’m terrified of heights, and I would projectile vomit right out of that fucking thing. Just an arc of vomit coating Matt.
Later they sit by a fire and talk about their families and wanting to settle down. Matt talks about wanting to find his person.
“I refer to it as my emergency contact, cuz whenever you’re filling out those forms it’s like name, date, age, whatever, your emergency contact,” he says. “Like, who is that person?”
Well, Matt, ideally it’s the person you’d like contacted in case of an emergency.
During dinner Sarah tells him it’s hard for her to open up because she’s such a private person. SO WHY DID YOU GO ON THIS SHOW FFS?
Sarah tells him that her dad has ALS and she’s watched him struggle with the disease for five years. She quit her job as a broadcast journalist to be a caregiver for her father. Matt tells her he’ll pray for her dad.
Matt gives her the date rose and then they go make out in a hot tub.
So then it’s time for the pre-Dreaded Rose Ceremony cocktail party and Queen Victoria is here to stir shit up.
Matt gives Marylynn an orchid because it’s her favorite flower. Queen Victoria goes to talk to Matt and tells him Marylynn is creating a toxic environment. “Marylynn was my roommate and she just like cries to manipulate situations and she’s just straight up toxic,” she says.
Queen Victoria tells the other women that Marylynn “isn’t quality.” None of the other women believe her allegations that Marylynn is bullying her. Meanwhile Matt goes to talk to Marylynn who denies she has conflict with Queen Victoria.
Marylynn talks to Queen Victoria who refuses to let Marylynn sit next to her.
Marylynn is just trying to figure out WTF is going on–and so are the rest of us. Victoria says they are like “oil and vinegar.”
My husband and I debate if Victoria is really that dumb or if this all part of her mean girl act.
Then it’s time for The Dreaded Rose Ceremony and a bunch of girls are mad that Queen Victoria wasted time with manufactured drama.
Man, if I was on this show I’d bring the drama to eleven. Release some live chickens in the McMansion. Tell Chris Harrison he’s not allowed to look at me and blow an air horn when he does. Pretend to be a dinosaur randomly and for with no explanation. I’d pick the group date rose up off the table and eat it while making direct eye contact with the Bachelor. Fucking amateurs.
So then during the ceremony Sarah starts to faint. She’s helped out of the room and they call a medic. Matt goes to check on her and that’s where the episode ends.
Are you still watching?