Elyse Watches The Bachelorette–S16 E10: Let the Shitshow Commence

Hey guys, guess what?

GUESS WHAT?

We have two Bachelorettes this week!

Shall we dive into part one?

We open with Chris Harrison returning from whatever hellscape he was visiting. Tayshia explains to him that she sent Bennett home but then that night he was hiding behind her door with an axe. (I’m only half kidding.)

The first one-on-one date goes to Blake who previously made Tayshia a penis out of clay. They are met by a White woman with two long blond braids wearing chunky bead jewelry who introduces herself as a “reiki and crystal master.”

The White lady examines their chakras and leads them through tantric breathing. While staring into each other’s eyes, Tayshia reflects that she doesn’t have a connection with Blake.

She sends Blake and his clay wiener home, crying really hard as she does so. She goes to confront the other guys who are sitting on drinking couches speculating about Blake’s fate.

“We need to talk,” she says, then sits down on the couch and starts to cry.

WHY ARE YOU CRYING? HE MADE YOU A CLAY DICK IN ARTS AND CRAFTS TIME FFS.

She says she sent Blake home and “it was really, really hard” and then asks to talk to Riley privately.

She tells Riley that she doesn’t want him to go through Hometowns if her heart isn’t 100% in it. She says she’s sorry and lets him go.

He gets mad. “Why keep me around so long? Why…Yeah, why keep me around so long? Why not let me just be?” he demands.

IDK man, why volunteer to go on a shitty reality dating show?

“I could argue all day, but I guess it doesn’t matter,” he continues. “The longer I sit here, the longer I look at you, the longer I hear you talk, the longer I see you smile, the more pain I feel.”

I’m totally in pain too. Fish is sleeping on my legs and I can’t move and I think my hips are out of alignment. Somehow I have reached an age where I need ibuprofen because the cat snuggled me.

So we jump ahead to The Dreaded Rose Ceremony. Ben has a rose. There’s 3 other roses and 4 guys: Zac, Brendan, Ivan and Noah. The guys put on their suits and shoes with no socks, and assemble in the drinking couch area.

Then Bennett shows up. He’s wearing a purple plaid suit that he stole from The Joker.

“So…you never left, obviously,” says Zac.

Correct. He’s been living in the catacombs beneath the La Quinta Resort, playing a pipe organ, mostly.

Bennett says he was going to be written off “as this Harvard dbag, which I certainly am not.” He tells them he confessed his love for Tayshia and that she sent him a note saying it meant a lot to her.

$100 says that note was from Chris Harrison who wrote it in his own blood, cackling.

Then Chris comes in the room and says that they’re going straight to rose.

STRAIGHT TO ROSE PEOPLE!

The first rose goes to Zac.

The second rose goes to Ivan.

And the final rose goes to…Brendan.

LOL. She invited Bennett to the Rose Ceremony just to dump him again.

On his way out Noah says, “Boys, I don’t need to say it. Treat her well.”

Shut up, Noah.

Bennett leaves to rob a Gotham City bank and terrorize The Batman.

So then we get to part two of this episode (not episode two of the week, no, that would be mercy The Rose God does not bestow). It is objectively the worst episode of the season. The Men Tell All.

Basically this episode is just the guys picking fights with each other and reinforcing whatever “brand” they’ve established and hope to get Instagram famous for.

Let the shitshow commence.

Chris Harrison and the dudes assemble in a room that looks like it was designed by a guy who was trying to combine a casino aesthetic with 1984 rec room while also blackout drunk. It’s painful to look at.

I think Chris Harrison calls the guys handsome ducks?

First Ed and Demar start fighting over whether or not Chasen is a dbag.

We are 2 minutes into this.

So then Bennett and Noah start fighting about who is deficient in 3 or 4 categories of emotional intelligence and I just… Kenny (who is watching the boyband, Kenny? Tell me you didn’t just give them $20 for pizza and Nana’s phone number?) jumps in and tells Noah he was drunk and annoying.

“You started so much shit,” Kenny says.

Then like 20 guys are arguing. Chris Harrison just rolls around like he’s fucked up on catnip.

Chasen tells Bennett he wasn’t condescending and that he was nothing but respectful. Blake disagrees. Demar says Bennett talked down to the younger guys.

Then we get a clip of Blake waxing Kenny’s pubic hair. IDEK.

Then Yosef, who if you remember yelled at Claire like an abusive sack of dicks because she had them play strip dodgeball, comes out.

The other guys lay into him, especially because he wasn’t on the dodgeball date. At one point Bennett takes his glasses off and rubs his face.

Yosef says he regrets nothing.

Chris Harrison asks if he would be okay with someone talking to his daughter the way Yosef talked to Claire.

“If my daughter pulled a stunt like that I’d hope someone calls her out,” Yosef says.

Bennett lets out a long whistle.

FUCKING YIKES.

Like, for The Joker, who tortured and killed Jason Todd and permanently disabled Barbara Gordon, to be appalled? That’s something.

“I rarely do this, but let me help you help yourself,” Chris Harrison says. “I’ve seen some crazy stuff in twenty years, but that was really not a good look. Just the way it escalated, the way you spoke, and what I would love is just for you to be like ‘I see that and Claire I’m sorry.'”

“I’m not sorry,” Yosef says.

My assumption is Chris Harrison doesn’t experience human emotions, but he mimics disgust accurately.

Then Tayshia comes out.

Noah tells her that he regrets that he and Bennett “had a qualm from the start.”

God he’s dumb. So dumb.

Blake, who is extremely sweaty, asks Tayshia if she thinks they would have worked out if they had more time.

She says more factors were involved in her decision.

YOU MADE HER A CLAY WANG, YOU FUCKING DINGUS.

Riley says he feels like he did himself a disservice by waiting so long to be vulnerable with Tayshia. He says he really fell for her and after he went home he stayed in bed for a week. Despite that, he says he wouldn’t change the experience.

Then we get some bloopers and a preview of tomorrow’s episode. Are you still watching?