Elyse Watches The Bachelorette–S16 E5: Hurt Man Feelings

Elyse Watches The Bachelorette with Kraken Rum and Coke with a big rose at the bottomIt’s been a strange week and The Bachelorette promises to make it even stranger so here we go…

So the dudes, still unaware that they’re in the midst of a potentially dangerous haunting situation, are sitting on the drinking couches in the La Quinta Resort waiting to meet the new Bachelorette.

Tayshia walks in and there’s a lot of hugging. The guys remark about how attractive she is.

Tayshia says she “wants to lean into this and I want you guys to lean into this, too.”

Blake asks Tayshia to be patient with him. Brendan is wearing a turtleneck under his suit jacket despite the fact that it’s 100 degrees out. He’s also drinking so I assume a medic will be called when he passes out.

Chris Harrison pulls Tayshia aside and tells her that she’s already met 16 men, and now they are adding more.

A limo pulls up and four more dudes come out to meet Tayshia. The guys who are already there are not amused.

One of the new guys, Spencer, walks in and asks the other dudes, “So which one of you guys scared off Clare?” setting a shitty tone for the evening.

I mean, shittier than usual.

Spencer immediately pulls Tayshia aside which irritates the other guys.

This entire episode has been hurt man-feelings so far and I’m just…


Cersei Lannister says more wine

Kenny tells Tayshia that he books bands at a venue even though the show lists him as a boy band manager.

The first impression rose goes to Spencer.

Tayshia gives Spence a rose

Then Chris Harrison taps a knife against a goblet full of blood announces it’s time for the Dreaded Rose Ceremony. Tayshia decides she’s not sending anyone home the first night.

So when we come back from commercial we see Chris Harrison in a room with blood-red wall hangings. It seriously looks like a set from Phantom of the Opera or some shit.

Ominously he says, “Hello Bachelor Nation, I know this is unexpected. Tayshia, our new Bachelorette just started her journey to find love. You should be watching Tayshia’s first dates as her love story begins, but we can’t do that right now because there’s something that needs to be addressed.”


OMG did the ghosts get Blake?

“We need to talk about what was one of the most talked about events in Bachelorette history,” he continues.

Never mind. SIGH.

Clare comes out and sits down to talk to Chris Harrison. Clare says she’s still over the moon for Dale.

“Was it love at first sight?” Chris asks.

“Absolutely I feel like on some planet somewhere we just knew each other,” she says. “And I still can’t put words to that.”


Britney is confused

Like…what? There are duplicates of you guys on another planet somewhere who are in love? Like a multiverse theory thing or? So is there a world where Thanos still has the Infinity stones and Clare and Dale met outside of a shitty dating tv program?

So then Dale comes out.

“I lived this through Clare’s perspective,” Chris Harrison tells Dale, and I’m pretty sure he means by standing 5 feet behind them and heavy breathing in the bushes every time they were together.

Clare and Dale sit on a couch

Dale agrees it was love at first sight. Clare talks about how much her late father would like Dale.

Chris asks AGAIN if they met or communicated before filming started. They both deny it.

Clare says Dale didn’t even have her phone number when they got engaged.

Chris asks what comes next for them and Dale starts talking about moving in together and Clare says, “BABBBIIIIEEESSSS…”

“Are we going to get married first or have babies first?” Chris asks.

“Definitely get married,” Dale says.

“Whatever happens!” Clare chirps.

Jesus Christ.

I can't even with these two

Penny from The Big Bang Theory pours wine into a measuring cup

So then we cut back to Tayshia and the dudes at the resort.

We get the first group date which is a basketball game in the pool. At one point things get rough and Riley elbows Spencer in the face and a medic has to stop the game. He has a cut lip.

In the end the blue team wins a barbecue with Tayshia.

Tayshia crouches by the side of the pool and talks to the green team

Later Jason tells Joe he thinks he still has feelings for Clare and doesn’t think he can be there for Tayshia.

The guys who won are talking about the date and Riley says, “Spencer, I think I owe you for my cracked ribs.”

“I think we’re even, but let me know if you need more,” Spencer says.

Kenny looks at Spencer and says he wants to speak openly. “In laymen’s terms, you come off like a douche.”

“Where I come from, guys like Spencer, pretty boy, he’s lunch meat,” Riley tells the camera. “Growing up we didn’t have a lot, but what we had was fried bologna. I made us fried bologna sandwich with the mayonnaise all day.”

Click for bologna

an animated slice slice of bologna dances

The group date rose goes to Eazy.

Jason tells the other guys he’s still in love with Clare and he’s going home. He knocks on Tayshia’s door. He tells her that he was in love with Clare and she deserves someone who can totally be there for her.

Tayshia worries the other guys have feelings for Clare too and that they will have reservations about being with her.

The next day the first one-on-one date goes to Brendan. They ride horses around the resort property while Chris Harrison pops up occasionally with margaritas, ice cream and coconut water. Later they go swimming and make out in the pool. During dinner Brendan tells her he was married before but it didn’t work out. Tayshia tells him she was married before as well, and they bond about going through a divorce at a young age. She gives him the date rose.

Tayshia and Brendan make out in the pool

And that’s where the episode ends. Are you watching?

Add Your Comment →

  1. 1
    Cathy says:

    “Are we going to get married first or have babies first?” Chris asks.

    OMG, did he really say “we”, like he’ll be involved somehow?

  2. 2
    Ashley M. says:

    Maybe in the contract to become the Bachelorette, you must agree to include the Rose God in your wedding party and the Rose God must be the godfather (god-eldritch horror?) for all children. Chris here is merely excited for the Rose God’s power to grow through weddings and babies.

  3. 3
    Louise says:

    Growing up we didn’t have a lot, but what we had was fried bologna.
    Ooh, ooh, I know this one. There’s a passage in one of Sue Grafton’s books where Kinsey Millhone is interviewing someone while he’s preparing a fried-baloney sandwich, and she looks at it and declares “I will give you four hundred dollars for one of those sandwiches”.

    When it comes to the Bachelor franchise, there’s really no such thing as a wholly irrelevant digression, is there.

    :: noting sadly that upvoting seems to be on the fritz again ::

  4. 4
    Emily says:

    I do not understand the relation between a pretty-boy and a fried bologna sandwich

    And I go into these recaps expecting to not understand anything about these peoples’ choices

  5. 5
    Big K says:

    I think the fried bologna sandwich guy was trying to talk tough, like Roadhouse the movie tough, and he got hungry (cause they never get to eat) and he ended up with fried bologna sandwich. Just a theory. Thank you for the awesome update!

  6. 6
    Kate says:

    @Big K, Road House is the best movie ever made.

  7. 7
    EC Spurlock says:

    @Cathy, it’s a Medieval custom called Droit de Seigneur. https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/droit%20du%20seigneur

    @Emily, I think he was saying pretty boy is full of bologna and he creamed him (not in a good way)

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