I’ve stopped watching the non-stop coverage of the convoluted shitshow that is our electoral college to turn on the convoluted shitshow that is The Bachelorette.
I just shot-gunned a Whiteclaw (mango, gotta get those nasty fuckers outta the way) and I have 11 more where that came from.
We open with the dudes being butthurt that Clare ended the last group date without giving out a rose.
Then Chris Harrison knocks on the door to Clare’s bungalow.
“We need to have a serious, just you and me talk,” Chris says. “Right now the guys in the house are not happy. They’re confused. These are good guys and they’re not dumb. They’re smart men. They know the path we’re on right now, we can’t continue.”
I 100% guarantee you that they are not all smart men. They went on this show, for example.
“It’s hard…it’s hard because on one hand I completely respect the process,” Clare says.
Ed. note: I, on both hands, do not respect the process.
Clare continues, “I completely understand what it is to see what works and to get to know these guys and there are some really amazing guys here.”
Chris asks her what she really feels, “no bullshit.”
Clare tells him she’s head over heels for Dale and she feels like the universe brought them together. Then Clare says she social media stalked the guys during lockdown, so she did know something about them prior to filming starting.
Chris asks if she talked to him prior to the show and she says no. They talk some more and she says she’s ready for filming to be over and wants to be with Dale.
“Congratulations, you just blew up The Bachelorette,” Chris tells her.
Is that it? Can I be done now?
We cut to a commercial and then Chris tells the guys there’s not going to be a rose ceremony. He pulls Dale out of the room and tells him Clare wants to spend time with him. That night Clare and Dale have a dinner date (where they aren’t allowed to eat the food). They sit down and Clare just randomly says that she thinks the resort might be haunted and then they move on like NBD.
WTF. I want to know more. Fuck this dating stuff, let’s have a show where the guys are in a haunted resort and are being picked off one by one by demonic spirits.
Maybe she’s sensing the dark energy of the Rose God?
Clare tells Dale that she’s “doing things my way” and that even though they haven’t had a one-on-one date with him she feels really strongly about him.
They talk about how their parents met and how similar their family stories are and it’s boring and I’m powering through mango number two. Get back to the ghosts.
Back at the house the dudes are drunk and irritated. They keep talking about Dale and it’s like, “Guys, are you even aware this resort is haunted? Your lives could be in danger RIGHT NOW.”
But no, Annabelle could be sitting by firepit drinking with them and they are OBLIVIOUS.
We cut back to the date and Clare tells Dale she’s falling in love with him. Dale says he feels the same way.
Then we get a random pop up concert.
The next morning we see Clare and Dale cuddling in bed. Back at the house (I thought they all had separate bungalows but maybe not?) the dudes are talking about why Dale isn’t back and speculating that he spent the night with Clare.
Later Clare tells Chris Harrison that she’s in love with Dale and she wants to spend the rest of her life with him.
“What do we do?” she asks.
“The next step, proposal,” he tells her.
Has anyone told Dale?
The other dudes assemble in the living room. Kenny, the boy band manager, says Clare “has lost the house.”
Clare goes to talk to the dudes. “This is so hard for me because you guys are such amazing guys,” she says. She tells them she found the love of her life with Dale.
She does not, however, warn them about the ghost situation which is especially shitty.
Ed. note: Or…is it?
The dudes are stunned.
“I just have so much respect for you guys and I never want to lead you on,” she says. “What I have found in Dale, I sincerely want for you guys.”
“I just hope you don’t get hurt,” Blake says. “I just don’t know how you can be so sure so quick. It just sucks for other guys who truly thought there might be something there.”
They ask if she talked to Dale before the show and she says no.
Kenny tells her she needs to apologize to the group. He says he could tell she wasn’t into him and she should apologize for faking it with them.
Clare starts to cry. “I’ll apologize if I wasted your time. I’ll apologize if I hurt you. But I’m not going to apologize for love.”
A few of the guys tell her she’s being brave and doing the right thing.
Then we see Clare outside sobbing on a producer. IDEK what’s happening.
Back in the house the guys are in disbelief. They speculate she’s spent two cumulative hours with Dale prior to their one-on-one date. Blake says he bought a book on dementia to better understand her situation with her mom. “Why did I invest so much and get nothing in return?” he asks.
You read a book, Blake. Calm the fuck down.
“We’re just not sure what’s going to happen next,” Ivan says.
You’re going to be eaten by ghosts, Ivan.
Chris goes to Dale’s bungalow (so they do have separate accommodations?) and tells him that Clare is ready to be engaged. Dale looks stunned.
Clare tells a producer she’s worried she’s putting too much pressure on Dale.
Clare tells Chris Harrison she’s afraid Dale won’t propose and she’s used to being left by men. “My whole adult live has been dysfunctional relationships,” she says.
We cut to Dale looking uncertain and holding an engagement ring.
That night Clare puts on a sparkly white dress and Chris Harrison escorts her to a courtyard.
“What if he isn’t as certain as I am and he doesn’t show up?” she asks herself.
Dale does indeed show up. “From the moment I stepped out of the limo, this was special. You and I both felt it immediately and there’s no denying it. You made it so clear and apparent at every phase of this that you believed in us. And I know without a shadow of a doubt that you would go to the end of the world for me and I’ve never had that and I’m so grateful for that. ”
He tells Clare he loves her. Then he gets down on one knee and proposes.
We cut back to the guys packing their stuff and generally bitching about Dale. Chris has them assemble and tells them he’s sorry they put their lives on hold only to be let down. Then he tells them if they want to stay, the show is bringing on another Bachelorette.
Jason is struggling because he had to go on that super cringeworthy one-on-one date and I don’t blame him for never wanting to do that again.
In the end all the guys show up. Blake probably hopes whoever the new Bachelorette is, she has a relative with dementia, otherwise he read an entire book for nothing.
Ed. note: I bet an entire quarter that he didn’t actually read it.
Then Tayshia gets out of a limo.
That’s it. We still have no update on the ghost situation and I have 10 Whiteclaws left.
Are you watching?