Elyse Watches The Bachelorette–S16 E1: La Quinta

Elyse Watches The Bachelorette with Kraken Rum and Coke with a big rose at the bottomAfter many pandemic related delays The Bachelorette is here with all it’s WTFery.

I’m honestly not sure how this season will work out, partially due to rumors that Clare Crawley leaves early on and has to be replaced, and partially due to the fact that they can’t travel and this franchise relies heavily on travel sequences to fill up air time. There won’t be any hometown dates with all the excruciating second-hand embarrassment either.

Also they didn’t film at the McMansion this season which means the lair of the Rose God is currently unguarded by Chris Harrison.

Is the Rose God quarantining? Are we in danger?

This season the Bachelorette is Clare Crawley, and she’s gotten a ton of press for being the oldest Bachelorette ever at 39.

Click for my reaction

A little girl rolls her eyes

Clare was a finalist in Juan Pablo’s season of The Bachelor, has been on Bachelor in Paradise, and got engaged on Bachelor Winter Games. Obviously that didn’t work out. Now she’s the Bachelorette and I feel like she’s achieved The Bachelor EGOT…except instead of cool, it’s kind of sad.

We open with a montage of Clare doing yoga, walking on the beach, and basically telling us she’s ready for love. Then we get another montage of news clips related to COVID. We get clips of Clare at home, bored, quarantining. Then she talks about how her mom is in a nursing home because she has dementia, and Clare can’t visit her, and I feel genuinely sad.

This pandemic sucks.

Chris Harrison explains that they had everyone isolate and test for COVID, and after that they filmed while everyone was quarantined in La Quinta, CA.

True story, when I read earlier in the year that the cast was isolating at La Quinta, I thought they meant in a La Quinta Inn, not the city in California, which surprised me because I thought they had a better budget than that.

Instead of all the guys living in the McMansion, they are staying at a resort where they have their own bungalows.

So despite the fact that EVERYONE IS ALREADY ONSITE AND MOVED IN, they still do the parade of limos. So basically the dudes get in limo and circle the block or something.

Clare wears a sparkly gown and waits for the dudes

Riley, an attorney, tells Clare she’d be found guilty of looking beautiful.

Then we get Kenny who, I shit you not, lists Boy Band Manager as his job.

Who is he managing exactly?

Buffy is standing next to Willow, looking very confused.

Instead of a limo, a vintage station wagon with the wood sides pulls up. Tyler C gets out and tells Clare he packed up his entire life and loaded it in the station wagon to meet her.

Some asshole named Bennett, who is a wealth management consultant, shows up in a Rolls Royce, wearing a white scarf and loafers, and drinking a martini.

I hate him immediately.

Bennett walking away from the Rolls looking extra douchey

(Ed. note: I have so many guesses as to what the gentleman driving that Rolls is thinking right now. So many.) 

Also like none of these guys are wearing socks. WTF.

Jay comes out in a straight jacket and doesn’t explain why at all.

A couple of guys bring Clare snacks, which frankly seems like a solid approach.

Then we get Dale. Dale is the guy Clare is rumored to fall for right away. After he walks away Clare says she feels like she just met her husband. Chris Harrison, who had been heavily breathing off to the side, scuttles over.

“I felt it. I just know. Like I’m 39,” she says.

I’m 37 and in the immortal words of Ruth Langmore:

Click for GIF

Ruth says that is crazy. I don't know shit about fuck.

“You know there’s more to come?” he asks.

Clare meets the rest of the 31 men, and then we get the cocktail party. During conversation we learn Clare brought her dogs with her, and it’s a goddamn travesty they aren’t allowed to run around and sniff everyone and steal the show.

Clare talks to Dale about how she can’t see her mom and he tells her that his sister has underlying health issues and he hasn’t been able to see her either.

Then Clare’s golden retriever escapes and runs into the party and I am filled with joy. That heckin’ good girl has the energy to negate the Rose God’s evil influence.

Everyone pets Clare's dog

Then Tyler C and Yosef get into it because Tyler C knows a girl who Yosef has been flirting with on Instagram. Then Yosef goes and tells Clare about their conversation. Clare brings Tyler C over and talks to them both.

Yosef says he doesn’t have a girlfriend.

“Do you have a girl who thinks she’s your girlfriend?” Clare asks. “Is she gonna be pulling up here needing to talk to me?”

Yosef says no.

We cut to the guy in the straightjacket sitting on the couch, realizing he can’t drink anything or pee.

Unsurprisingly the first impression rose goes to Dale.

Clare and Dale kiss

Then it’s time for the Dreaded Rose Ceremony. Yosef stays. Tyler C goes home, so do a couple of guys I didn’t pay attention to. The guy in the straight jacket made it through.

(Ed. note: of course.)

And that’s it for the first episode. Are you watching?

Add Your Comment →

  1. 1
    Stefanie Magura says:
    2+

    @Elyse:

    Have you read this book? It seems to be The Bachelor or a similar competition in regency times. While I suspect there are others with a similar set-up, it was this one that made me think of your recaps. How to Marry a Duke by Vicky Dreiling: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00FOT8P36/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1

  2. 2
    Escapeologist says:
    57+

    Omg omg Elyse recaps are back!!! May you be rewarded a thousand fold for this service, o wise and snarky one

  3. 3
    Escapeologist says:
    19+

    “Chris Harrison, who had been heavily breathing off to the side, scuttles over.”
    Best sentence I have read all week.
    And that dog is indeed a heckin’ good girl.

  4. 4
    kat_blue says:
    11+

    The Rose God shall not receive its sacrifices of blood! We are all in danger!!!
    But look at that dog what a good pupper

  5. 5
    Cris S. says:
    17+

    I’m not watching but I was so excited when I saw the ads because it meant I’d have your recaps to read! Thank you!

  6. 6
    TamB. says:
    14+

    In Australia at the moment we have sisters as the Bachelorette. A previous losing contestant and her sister. The first episode was apparently the worst rated episode of the franchise ever.

    All I could think of was that I needed Elyse recaps of it.

    These are the best!!

  7. 7
    PeggyO says:
    14+

    Thank from the bottom of my boring old lady heart. I wouldn’t watch even if I had cable. Your delightful snarkiness makes me smile.

  8. 8
    spinster.revival says:
    21+

    I don’t watch but do read your recaps and love them. I lived in La Quinta for eight years and the La Quinta Resort is really lovely. I can tell you none of them are wearing socks because it’s still 100 degrees out even at midnight in the summer when they were filming (it’s probably a nice 80 out at night now); day temps anywhere from 105-120. I can’t even imagine all the work makeup peeps had to do to keep it on everyone’s face.

  9. 9
    ReneeG says:
    9+

    I’m glad you’re back for the recaps, Elyse! I don’t have to watch the show thanks to you.

    Still weird to think of them all kissing and stuff – so many strangers (the contestants, the staff at the hotel, the film crew).

  10. 10
    Arijo says:
    12+

    YESSS! I can’t stand the Bachelor/Bachelorette/Big Brother/etc. but I LOVE Elyse’s recaps! Thank you!

    (La Quinta Inn: I chuckled a long time over that one, picturing them all posh, going from motel rooms to motel rooms X-D)

  11. 11
    Caro Kinkead says:
    9+

    Please, please tell me we had a shot of Tyler C sadly driving away in his vintage station wagon with all his stuff.

    I suspect Clare’s dogs are going to be the star of the episodes she’s in, just like cats on Zoom meetings.

  12. 12
    Gail says:
    3+

    Elyse! Thank goodness you’re back!
    So, I have my reservations about this season because of all the hints of an untimely end. Whatever happens I know you can make me laugh about it.
    So good to have you back!

  13. 13
    Crysta says:
    2+

    I’ve never actually watched it, and this is the first Elyse recap I’ve read (because, see above), but I have coworkers who watch so I figured I would this season. But I’ve already (not sorry) missed the first episode so thank goodness for Elyse!

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