Elyse Watches The Bachelorette–S16 E1: La Quinta

After many pandemic related delays The Bachelorette is here with all it’s WTFery.

I’m honestly not sure how this season will work out, partially due to rumors that Clare Crawley leaves early on and has to be replaced, and partially due to the fact that they can’t travel and this franchise relies heavily on travel sequences to fill up air time. There won’t be any hometown dates with all the excruciating second-hand embarrassment either.

Also they didn’t film at the McMansion this season which means the lair of the Rose God is currently unguarded by Chris Harrison.

Is the Rose God quarantining? Are we in danger?

This season the Bachelorette is Clare Crawley, and she’s gotten a ton of press for being the oldest Bachelorette ever at 39.

Clare was a finalist in Juan Pablo’s season of The Bachelor, has been on Bachelor in Paradise, and got engaged on Bachelor Winter Games. Obviously that didn’t work out. Now she’s the Bachelorette and I feel like she’s achieved The Bachelor EGOT…except instead of cool, it’s kind of sad.

We open with a montage of Clare doing yoga, walking on the beach, and basically telling us she’s ready for love. Then we get another montage of news clips related to COVID. We get clips of Clare at home, bored, quarantining. Then she talks about how her mom is in a nursing home because she has dementia, and Clare can’t visit her, and I feel genuinely sad.

This pandemic sucks.

Chris Harrison explains that they had everyone isolate and test for COVID, and after that they filmed while everyone was quarantined in La Quinta, CA.

True story, when I read earlier in the year that the cast was isolating at La Quinta, I thought they meant in a La Quinta Inn, not the city in California, which surprised me because I thought they had a better budget than that.

Instead of all the guys living in the McMansion, they are staying at a resort where they have their own bungalows.

So despite the fact that EVERYONE IS ALREADY ONSITE AND MOVED IN, they still do the parade of limos. So basically the dudes get in limo and circle the block or something.

Riley, an attorney, tells Clare she’d be found guilty of looking beautiful.

Then we get Kenny who, I shit you not, lists Boy Band Manager as his job.

Instead of a limo, a vintage station wagon with the wood sides pulls up. Tyler C gets out and tells Clare he packed up his entire life and loaded it in the station wagon to meet her.

Some asshole named Bennett, who is a wealth management consultant, shows up in a Rolls Royce, wearing a white scarf and loafers, and drinking a martini.

I hate him immediately.

(Ed. note: I have so many guesses as to what the gentleman driving that Rolls is thinking right now. So many.) 

Also like none of these guys are wearing socks. WTF.

Jay comes out in a straight jacket and doesn’t explain why at all.

A couple of guys bring Clare snacks, which frankly seems like a solid approach.

Then we get Dale. Dale is the guy Clare is rumored to fall for right away. After he walks away Clare says she feels like she just met her husband. Chris Harrison, who had been heavily breathing off to the side, scuttles over.

“I felt it. I just know. Like I’m 39,” she says.

I’m 37 and in the immortal words of Ruth Langmore:

“You know there’s more to come?” he asks.

Clare meets the rest of the 31 men, and then we get the cocktail party. During conversation we learn Clare brought her dogs with her, and it’s a goddamn travesty they aren’t allowed to run around and sniff everyone and steal the show.

Clare talks to Dale about how she can’t see her mom and he tells her that his sister has underlying health issues and he hasn’t been able to see her either.

Then Clare’s golden retriever escapes and runs into the party and I am filled with joy. That heckin’ good girl has the energy to negate the Rose God’s evil influence.

Then Tyler C and Yosef get into it because Tyler C knows a girl who Yosef has been flirting with on Instagram. Then Yosef goes and tells Clare about their conversation. Clare brings Tyler C over and talks to them both.

Yosef says he doesn’t have a girlfriend.

“Do you have a girl who thinks she’s your girlfriend?” Clare asks. “Is she gonna be pulling up here needing to talk to me?”

Yosef says no.

We cut to the guy in the straightjacket sitting on the couch, realizing he can’t drink anything or pee.

Unsurprisingly the first impression rose goes to Dale.

Then it’s time for the Dreaded Rose Ceremony. Yosef stays. Tyler C goes home, so do a couple of guys I didn’t pay attention to. The guy in the straight jacket made it through.

(Ed. note: of course.)

And that’s it for the first episode. Are you watching?