Cover Snark: Stomach Cramps But Make Them Sexy

Get ready for some Cover Snark!

Guarding the Countess by Jess Michaels. Two men have made the heroine the meat to their sandwich. One appears to have a newspaper tied at his waist.

Susan: I know this is a fairly mild example, but I was fine with this cover until I noticed the newspaper.

Also I think the dude’s leg is pasted on.

Tara: The newspaper looks like a flap on his shirt.

Elyse: Either she has a pocket or that guy is missing all the fingers on his hand.

Amanda: At first, I thought it was tied around his waist like a little satchel.

Catherine: I feel like the guy on the left got pasted into the picture after the rest was done.

And are the men holding hands through her pocket? Which suggests that it has certain flaws as a pocket.

Lara: Maybe the original picture was a lot more… ahem, naughty, and the newspaper is being used to cover up the ass-less jodhpurs he’s actually wearing.

Sneezy: It looks like one is wearing white long johns which, as Lara pointed out, may or may not be ass-less. The other guy may just be a floating torso, but definitely seem covetous of the woman’s pockets. Or maybe he made note of what happened to Sméagol.

Going Down for the Count by Cage Thunder. Two men are wrestling and one is wearing a luchador mask. There is an obvious look of pain.

Tara: I…got nothing.

Catherine: He looks like he is in pain. This does not make me want to read the book.

Actually, this cover is just the gift that keeps on giving. You have the worrying facial expressions (is the guy in the mask LICKING the other guy’s head?). You have the glorious name Cage Thunder. And you have the innuendo-laden title, which misses outright obscenity by a single letter.

Elyse: Cage Thunder sounds like a term for the nervous farts my cat gets when he has to go to the vet.

Sarah: I would be so curious about this book if it were a historical, and the hero was a Count.

Shana: What a waste of a cool mask. And the other guy looks like he’s having stomach cramps. Or trying to poop. Or both.

Sneezy: “Mmm, sweat and death.” *lick lick*

Junkyard Dog by Katja Desjarlais. A long haired man stands in a dystopian wasteland. He is wearing a leather jacket with no shirt and his bottom half is blue smoke. On his chest is a mess of arrow symbols in tattoo form.

Susan: This is a much milder “I don’t think this head matches this body” than some of the others that’ve been shared, BUT…

Amanda: I love the tattoo map to his belly button.

Sarah: “And his kidney is RIGHT HERE.”

Lara: Is he a genie? Is that blue smoke just his link to the magic lamp?

Sneezy: Is he a Dr. Manhattan fanboy?

The Goddess Gets Her Guy by Ashlyn Chase. A man in a tropical forest has a glistening, shiny back with literal sparkles.

Elyse: How do you sleep at night when your dude’s back is glowing?

Catherine: A glowing back is the least of his worries! Has he dislocated his shoulder? And am I the only one who can see figures of naked women in his back musculature?

EllenM: Yeah that left shoulder especially is…not looking good.

Catherine: That’s the one that worried me.

Lara: The dark crevice over his spine is… interesting. The more I look at it, the more convinced I am it is a portal to an alien dimension, just ready to split open.

Sneezy: Yo, there’s a super obvious line on his neck between his zombie tan face and the SUPER SHINY BLING-BLING itdefinitelywasn’tmewhostoleallthefairydust PHEROMONE 2000 BACK!

Comments are Closed

  1. DiscoDollyDeb says:

    Junkyard Dog looks like he’s recovering from some recent surgery that required a massive incision right down his happy trail. I want to urge him to be careful or he’ll pull his sutures out.

  2. Kris says:

    The guy on the front of Goddess looks like he jumped in a glitter bath.

  3. denise says:

    spray tan and glitter with a little oil to glisten

  4. DiscoDollyDeb says:

    Couldn’t resist checking out the description of GOING DOWN FOR THE COUNT:

    Broke and desperate to move out of his ex’s apartment, grad student Gary Harper answers an ad in the school paper looking for models.

    But the kind of “models” the business is looking for isn’t quite what Gary expected—it’s for an underground gay wrestling video company! Intrigued, he participates in the audition process and falls for his trainer, an older man who just isn’t ready for a relationship.

    Heartbroken by this rejection, when his video work makes him incredibly popular, Gary loses interest in his coursework as he gets involved in the world of party drugs, porn, and male stripping…all while trying to fill the hole in his broken heart.

  5. StarlightArcher says:

    I get it dude, trying to pass a kidney stone with dignity will definitely put anyone down for the count. Though maybe wait to visit your friendly neighborhood luchador chiropractor till you have a little SWL?

  6. TMary says:

    You know, as a child I once read a book called “The Junkyard Dog”.

    So now that rather pleasant experience has been somewhat tarnished.

  7. Bagel says:

    Is it just me, or does Junkyard Hellhound’s visible hand look SUPER tiny?

  8. Louise says:

    Thanks to DiscoDollyDeb’s heroic research–way to take one for the team, DDD–I have an answer to the question I came here to ask:

    Why is Guy Who Is Being Gone Down On hiding his nipple? How genre-blind can you be?

    Apparently there are certain conventions of the genre that our budding model is not yet comfortable with.

  9. Another Kate says:

    Dear Artist of the Goddess’s Guy (and all artists planning on drawing partially or fully naked people on the covers of books),
    Please sign up for anatomy classes.
    Signed,
    A Reader.

  10. Just Jill says:

    I am thrown off by the tan lines on the dude on the left of Countess Wrongpockets. Also, why can’t I figure out whose hand is on her neck?

  11. Miss Louisa says:

    I didn

  12. Miss Louisa says:

    Sorry, I was going to say I never imagined there were romances featuring Mil Mascaras. I don’t know how to mesh that with the Lucha Libre of my childhood.

  13. Anna says:

    Just Jill! That’s what I thought. Those fingers are creepy.

  14. mindwarp says:

    Re: Going Down for the Count: having a masked wrestler wearing a Shocker soldier from Kamen Rider mask putting a sleeper hold on a meh-looking jobber doesn’t denote sexy times. There’s submissions with way sexier implications (fans self thinking of stupid sexy Sanada’s Skull End finisher). Also, at least have the masked wrestler wear a prettier mask, they do exist…

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