Elyse Watches The Bachelor–S23 E8: Just the Cringiest

Elyse Watches The Bachelor with Kraken Rum and CokeHappy Monday everyone! It’s time for me to watch The Bachelor so you don’t have to. Pour yourself a stiff drink or just drink it straight out of the bottle. There’s no judgement on this “journey.”

Before we start I’d like to address the rumor going around that Khloe Kardashian might be the next Bachelorette. I…I don’t know if I’m strong enough for that. As SB Sarah said, “Don’t cross the streams!”

So anyway, back to our current shitshow.

Last week Colton cried repeatedly while saying his biggest fear was that he’d find himself at the end of this season with a “winner” who wasn’t ready to be engaged. He then sent home one woman who said she was ready to be engaged  (Hannah B) while keeping two who he was told, by multiple sources, were just there to be the next Bachelorette.

Good choices!

This week is “Hometowns,” which is Bachelor lingo for when they fill Chris Harrison’s coffin with dirt from beneath the McMansion, then travel around the country meeting the remaining contestant’s families.  Also there were like no photos of the episode so…sorry.

We open up with, I am not even kidding, Colton taking another shower. This is like his 24th shower of the season. Does Colton even have a house? Does he just have one really big shower and that’s where he lives?

Click here to see Colton taking a shower. Again.

Colton stands in the shower. Again.

Colton travels to Fredericksburg, VA, where Caelynn is from. They take a ride in a horse-drawn buggy and get some ice cream. They sit on a bench in the park where Colton discusses his dreams for the future (kids, travel, getting another dog) and Caelynn says, “That’s everything that I want.”

Then they make out for awhile.

Colton and Caelynn walk down the streets of Fredericksburg.

Previously Tayshia and Kirpa both told Colton that Caelynn made comments about wanting to be the next Bachelorette, and not wanting to be engaged.

Next up they meet Caelynn’s family who are all assembled, BBQing. They sit down to eat and Colton raises his glass to “make a cheers” to Caelynn.

Caelynn’s sister tells her that she doubts that this process…er, journey, can really work.

Colton talks to Caelynn’s mom, who is also skeptical. “It’s hard to wrap my head around it,” she admits. “I don’t know if you’re ready. I don’t know if Caelynn is ready,” she says, talking about a potential engagement.

Caelynn’s stepdad, John, also questions her readiness to get married. She says that based on what they’ve both said, and the amount of time they’ve spent together, she and Colton sound more like friends.

Yikes.

Jennifer Lawrence cringes

So then Colton asks John, if at the end of the show he decides Caelynn is “the one,” does he have his blessing to marry her?

John gets really quiet.

The camera pans to Colton who shifts awkwardly.

It pans back to John who finally says, “Are you ready, truly, to get married? Are you at that maturity level, in your mind?”

Oh, boy.

This is rough.

Walter from Breaking Bad says I'm actually embarassed for you.

“I’m at a point in my life where I can confidently say I’m ready,” says Colton who spent most of the last episode either sobbing or having a panic attack in the shower because of all his doubts.

John looks nauseated. “I would need you to promise me, from the foundation all the way through, this would be a lifelong commitment.” He then reluctantly gives Colton his permission.

Then Colton and Caelynn snuggle while watching home movies from her childhood.

Click for snuggling

Colton and Caelynn snuggle and watch home movies

Next up Colton goes to Birmingham, AL where Hannah G is waiting. She tells him she’s going to turn him into the perfect Southern gentleman by having him take an etiquette class.

“Oh. Uh,” says Colton. “I have bad etiquette?”

“No! No!” she assures him.

Click for the awkward

Hannah G tells Colton that they're going to take an etiquette class and his face falls

The episode is just the cringiest ever.

First they work on his posture. Then they focus on table manners. Apparently I’ve been eating bread wrong my entire life.

Then the instructor asks Colton what an umbrella does.

He replies, “It protects us from things falling on us.”

I was going to say it keeps us dry in the rain, but apparently Colton’s been using one Loony Tunes style to protect himself from rock slides and shit.

Then the instructor talks about how Hannah’s parents have been holding some kind of metaphorical umbrella over Hannah her whole life and now it’s Colton’s turn to hold the umbrella?

I...okay.

Winona Ryder is confused

Either no one on this show knows what an umbrella is actually for or I’ve been seriously confused my whole life.

So then they meet Hannah G’s family and friends. She sits down with her three cousins and her best friend and asks what they think of Colton.

One of them is shitfaced. “I really like him!” she slurs.

Another asks her if she’s scared about Fantasy Suites because of Colton being a virgin and Hannah G says “No?” while shaking her head and staring at her friend/cousin like she’s a fucking idiot.

Honest to God, I feel like this episode has become strangely self-aware and is parodying itself.

So then Hannah’s mom, Beth, questions whether or not this is a good idea or will lead to heartbreak. “I don’t want to just be a coin toss at the end of this,” Hannah says. “And he validated that for me.”

“How?” Beth asks.

“By…doing the little things. Accepting who I am. And he makes me feel safe,” Hannah says.

Meanwhile, outside, Colton asks Hannah’s dad for permission to marry her. You know, if he decides she’s the winner.

Her dad is silent. There are actual crickets.

“You know, I never really thought about this,” her dad says. “I mean, if it continues working the way it is, I’d give you my blessing.”

Back inside Hannah and her mom are getting tipsy on white wine. Beth legit has half a bottle of wine in one of those giant glasses and I respect her.

Hannah tells her mom that she really likes Colton, and Beth replies. “You go get it, girl.”

Click for Beth's awesomeness.

Beth tells Hannah You go get it girl

Hannah tells the camera that this date was the missing piece of the puzzle for her. She tells Colton she’s falling in love with him. He says the same about her and then they make out.

So then we go to Orange County, CA, where Tayshia is waiting for Colton. She blindfolds him and drives him to an airstrip. Tayshia is not a great driver and Colton bashes his head into the side of the door.

Click here for the carnage

Colton is blindfolded in the passenger side of a jeep. Tayshia is driving and they hit a bump and his head bangs into the door

Eyes on the road, Tayshia.

So then Colton realizes that they’re at a skydiving place.

“We’re skydiving?” he asks.

“Yeah!” Tayshia says.

“You said you hated heights!” he exclaims.

“I do,” she starts.

“So do I!” he says in a voice that is getting progressively higher.

Between this and the head injury, the dude wants to go home.

Colton looks like he wants to barf

So they go through their training and then get into the plane. Colton says, “God, please let me survive this fall. I still have to lose my virginity. I don’t know what I’m missing, but I heard it’s really good. Amen.”

Then they jump out of the plane. Everyone survives.

Back on the ground Tayshia tells Colton she’s falling in love with him. He tells her the same. She tells him that the last person she brought home to her parents was her ex husband.

After a commercial they go to her family’s house. Outside the door Tayshia quizzes Colton on her family member’s names. All four of them.

They all sit down to dinner and Colton talks about skydiving. He says that after jumping out of an airplane he feels invincible. “Any nerves I had about coming here, I was like, got it,” he tells them.

Click for Colton

Colton says, Any nerves I had about coming here, got it

So then Colton and Tayshia’s dad, Desmond, get up to talk while Tayshia and her mom pull away. We get a shot of her youngest brother rolling his eyes and taking a slug out of a wine glass full of lemonade.

Tayshia's brother chugging a full glass of lemonade and rolling his eyes

Me too, kid.

Colton tells Desmond he’s falling in love with Tayshia, and Desmond asks Colton if he feels the same way about the other three women. Colton says he does.

“How can you fall in love with, if you are in love, with more than one person?” asks Desmond.

“If you are in love.” Ouch.

Colton says he doesn’t know because he hasn’t had the opportunity to fall in love with multiple people before.

Huh?

Britney is confused

So then Colton asks Desmond for his permission to marry Tayshia, should he decide to propose, and Desmond kind of politely says “I don’t know you” and also “no.”

Colton is thrown. “It’s disappointing to not get his blessing. I did not expect for the night to go like this. Family is the most important thing to me, and I know like I’m not marrying her father, but I am going to have to have his permission so I have no clue what I’m going to do.”

You…you don’t actually need anyone’s permission but hers, dude.

Desmond goes and talks to Tayshia. She tells her dad that she saw red flags in her prior relationship, but it was her first relationship and she ignored them. She feels she’s better suited to tell if Colton is genuine.

He says, “So if he was going to ask you to marry him right now, you would say?”

“I would say yes,” she replies.

He throws his head back. “Oh my God.” Then he does this dad speech about how you can’t “microwave a relationship” and I think about that scene in American Hustle with Jennifer Lawrence.

it's a fitting metaphor

Jennifer Lawrence clutches her chest while the microwave catches fire

Desmond tells the camera he feels less skeptical after talking to Tayshia. He tells Colton that he’s changed his mind and he would give him his blessing to marry his daughter.

Oh, God. We’re like an hour into a two hour episode.

Next up we’re in Huntington Beach, CA, which is Cassie’s hometown. Cassie teaches Colton how to surf. Colton…is not good.

Colton keeps talking about how he has the most chemistry with her, and they pause every few minutes to make out.

Later they sit on the beach and Colton says, “You know where I’m at, but I’m still trying to figure out where you’re at.”

“Um. I’m still trying to figure that out,” she replies. To the camera she says, “I just hope him meeting my family tonight is going to be a game changer to me.”

Matt, Cassie’s father, is skeptical from the outset.

Matt looks unimpressed

(Ed. note: I am so confused as to why this man is being interviewed in a bedroom, like he’s guarding the white duvet or something? Holy unnecessary symbolism. Anyway. Carry on.)

Cassie and her sister pull away and her sister asks if she would say yes if Colton proposed.

“I don’t know yet, but I feel like I’m getting there,” Cassie admits.

Her sister tells her not to rush things or to settle.

Colton tells Cassie’s mom that his connection with her “undeniable” and that he’s told Cassie how he feels about her. She asks if Cassie has told him the same thing, and he says no, but that he’s okay not hearing it back.

“I want to know that she can get there,” he says, “because I know how strongly I feel for her.”

(Ed. note: I’m sorry to interrupt, but, “get there?” WHERE is that? WHERE is the “there” she needs to get, exactly?!) 

Cassie talks to her dad and it’s the same conversation all the other women have had with their dads. This is taking FOREVER.

This is the longest episode ever.

Rose from Titanic says It's been 84 Years

Cassie and her dad get into a little tiff where he tells her that he doesn’t think that she has enough time to make a decision like this, and that at twenty-three, she has plenty of time to decide what she wants to do.

“You’re scaring me because I don’t want you to, like, be mad at me if I…” and then she stumbles because she’s clearly saying “if I win.” She catches herself though and says, “If I want something…I just want you to trust me.”

Cassie argues with her father.

So then Colton tells Matt, “I’m someone who is going to need a father’s permission at the end of this if I’m even going to think about getting down on one knee. And that’s why I wanna…to take this opportunity to ask you if I can have her hand in marriage if it gets to that point.”

Matt starts like three sentences and then rethinks it. He tells Colton that he thinks as things stand, it would be a premature blessing.

So then when they’re alone Colton asks Cassie where she’s at.

“I’m really excited to see where everything can go,” she hedges.

“I wanted her to say, I’m falling in love with you, so bad,” Colton tells the camera.

He looks distraught as he gets into an SUV. “I’m more confused than ever,” he says.

Let me explain it to you.

You have three women who have said they’re falling in love with you, but the one you’re really into hasn’t, and now you haz a sad.

Then it’s time for The Dreaded Rose Ceremony. Chris Harrison personally escorts each woman to the sacrificial altar.

Cassie tells the camera she hopes she didn’t “mess up” by not telling Colton how she feels. But she doesn’t specify what that means.

Colton appears and talks about following his heart every step of the way and whatever. It’s past my bedtime.

The first rose goes to Hannah G.

Hannah G smiles

The next rose goes to Tayshia.

Then Chris Harrison materializes out of the ether to tell us that we have one rose left.

THANKS CHRIS.

He pats Colton on the back.

Cue scary music.

The final rose goes to Cassie.

Caelynn gets sent home. She tells Cassie she loves her.

Colton walks her out to the Limo of Tears. “I don’t even know what to say,” he says, rubbing his eyes.

“I’m just blindsided, I guess,” Caelynn says. “I’ve never felt like this in a relationship and I felt like we had this connection from the start. I saw us at the end. I feel like an idiot.” She starts to cry and Colton hugs her.

So then Colton asks to talk to Chris Harrison and walks away.

Then we get a teaser for next week which is A TWO NIGHT EVENT (fuck you, ABC) and also Fantasy Suites (double fuck you). In the voice over Colton says, “When I finally lose my virginity it will be tender, passionate, and I want it to be the greatest thing she’s ever felt.

Tommy Lee Jones giving some side eyeSure.

And that’s where we ended tonight.

What did you think? Were you surprised Caelynn went home?

Comments are Closed

  1. Empress of Blandings says:

    I kept reading this guy’s name as Colon.

    Otherwise, no comment except that I am glad someone else is watching this for me.

  2. The Other Kate says:

    These recaps have become the highlight of my Tuesday! Also, SO many patriarchal stereotypes . . . Ugh.

  3. Ren Benton says:

    “I would need you to promise me, from the foundation all the way through, this would be a lifelong commitment.”

    OR—hear me out, dad—if they do something boneheaded while in the throes of Stockholm-Bachelor syndrome, he could free your child without a lot of hassle and spectacle so she can have a better life.

    he hasn’t had the opportunity to fall in love with multiple people before.

    Hear me out again—Polyamory Bachelor. The culling can stop when three women remain, BUT the women have to like each other AND tolerate the guy enough to want a third of him, so some of the episodes are totally guy-free and are just the women bonding into teams. HMU, networks. I am filled with ideas for terrible TV shows.

  4. Kathy says:

    I’m up with the women bonding @Ren, but this was painful to read much less watch. This whole frigging show is just so crazy Sauce.
    Thanks, Elyse. I wouldn’t be you next week, doubleheader! I hope that Kracken’s strong enough.

  5. Momo says:

    Jesus H Christ, is it 1745? Who in their right mind asks a father’s “permission” to marry a grown woman in the year of our lord 2019?

  6. Christine McCullough says:

    Colton…ugh.

  7. Escapeologist says:

    I want a reality show of just Tayshia’s family reacting to stuff. Between little bro’s eyeroll and dad’s “omg you can’t microwave a relationship” I love them so much.

  8. Susan says:

    I was not surprised Caelynn went home because I can’t tell any of them apart.

    Elyse, you’re my hero. These are a highlight of my week.

  9. Raquel says:

    Lemme tell ya I live in Brazil, where the show doesn’t air anymore. I used to watch it when I lived in Michigan, back in 03, but man, it is SO MUCH BETTER ‘watching’ through your point of view! I am loving it! Also, I really thought Tayisha was going home.

  10. Katie F says:

    My Dad’s stance is tell any boyfriend that I don’t grant permission, that’s between the two of you. Because according tohim sometimes there are no good choices – give approval for a loser or deny approval and create a rift.

    Also I see Colton’s virginity ending something like Courtney Milan’s The Duchess War, minus the humor and understanding.

  11. Patsy says:

    You didn’t cover Hannah’s “rap.” The cringiest cringe of all.

  12. shuzluva says:

    You…you don’t actually need anyone’s permission but hers, dude.
    THIS.

    The twins asked me if my hubs asked my mom for permission (my dad passed when I was 20). I said…”no? I have no idea. It doesn’t matter. The only thing that mattered is that I wanted to marry him and I told him we were getting married.” Then they asked if they wanted to marry, should I be asked for permission. I said “permission or advice?” it was the right clarification. They want support from me (and their father, but he is putty in their hands so he’d say yes to them marrying a head of broccoli).

    The Bachelor. Teaching teen girls everywhere the power of being your own boss and asking a man to marry you.

  13. TN says:

    I did not like the previous Hannah who was all in for Colton, but for the show producers to have her declare her love to his parents, then to immediately boot her was do cruel. I just have no respect for that kind of bait-and-switch/kill shit. So here’s Colton wanting the woman to put herself out there once again, so what, so he can dash her feelings to smithereens. It’s Lucy holding the football all over again. Cassie sounds like the only smart, cautious one. And jeez, what parents want this nonsense for their kid, I mean, if you love them.

  14. KB says:

    The rap at the end was the WORST. Thanks to that, I ended the night squeezed into the corner of our sofa, cringing away from the TV and trying to hide behind my (empty) glass of wine. Good lord. But this whole show was just one big facepalm for me. I hated that Colton asked for “permission” when even such minimally enlightened souls as the previous Bachelors have known to ask the dads for their “blessing” instead. And I hated that he was all like “can I have your permission to marry your daughter” like dude if I choose her at the end, who cares what she wants, it’s full speed ahead to the marrying! Ugh. Colton as the Bachelor is really making me appreciate Nick Viall, and that is saying something.

  15. Gail says:

    Caelynn’s Dad is the happiest person in Batchelor Land tonight! I’m gagging! Elyse you are my hero!

  16. JenM says:

    I started reading this, burst out laughing, and my hubs promptly said, “Are you reading the Bachelor recap?”

    Thank you, Elyse, for endlessly brightening my Tuesdays, even when it’s cold and rainy outside.

  17. Christy s says:

    Little brother drinking the lemonade in front of the meal nobody was eating? BEST part of the episode.

    I know these women are individuals, but they’ve blurred into a stream of sad decisions for me.

    Fantasy suites! Barf! I can(‘t) wait!

  18. Yota Armai says:

    I’ve not watched the show, ever, do any of these people have actual on screen chemistry? In all the recaps, and maybe it’s because I’m learning about it through this very specific lens, the characters seem interchangeable, except when they are set up as villains temporarily.

    And how are they all throwing around the love word. Is it I LOVE you or is it I love you like I love these adorable fox socks?

    I’m really squicked by the permission to marry thing too. Just the whole asking three different fathers (four?), And assuring all of them that you’re ready? Are you? I want the Dad to say get out of here with this bullshit because, 1 my daughter is the owner of her own mind body soul heart, and 2 you’re asking 3 other dad’s this same bullshit question.

  19. SusanH says:

    Asking permission from the fathers (four of them?!) may be the weirdest part of this bizarre show. All I can think of is that fabulous moment in the Alias pilot when Danny calls Jack to ask for his blessing before proposing to Sydney.

    https://youtu.be/a0qaIvb3bGA

  20. ReneeG says:

    So is Colton going to be a virgin after the So Special Two-Night Bachelor Fantasy Suite FunFest?

    Those poor women. I know they signed up for this and go into it with their eyes (and hearts?) wide open, but I cringe reading the recaps so I can’t imagine how it must feel to have some of these bonker shenanigans happen twice – once live and again on TV.

    Still, these recaps are like yummy potato chips or thin mints – can’t eat just one!

    Thanks, Elyse, for the awesome job! My best wishes to your liver, hubs and kitties for living this with you.

  21. mem says:

    Hey, Elyse: I just spotted an article where the contestants in the Bachelor were fantasy-recast as show horses, and I feel as if you would enjoy this knowledge.

    http://eventingnation.com/the-recast-of-the-bachelor-with-event-horses-that-no-one-asked-for/

  22. chacha1 says:

    I think Tayshia’s little brother should be the next Bachelor. And there shouldn’t be ANY OTHERS UNTIL THEN. UNTIL HE’S OVER 21. STOP WITH THESE SEMI-ANIMATED KEN DOLLS.

    Also: that 84 years gif. OMG LOL every time.

  23. Melissa says:

    Sadly, this clickbait video did NOT answer the question of WHY the Bachelor is always showering: https://www.yahoo.com/lifestyle/colton-underwood-explains-why-hes-215442655.html But he did discuss how many showers he took.

  24. Ly G says:

    I saw a clip where they asked Colton how many showers he took and he said 3 or 4 a day, I guess bacheloring makes you dirty. He also said the shoot was two months so probably a thousand, which is very sad math.

    Thanks for taking the hit for us all so we can enjoy without the suffering!

  25. Kim says:

    We can say two things with confidence about Colton losing his virginity: 1. it will be a staggering disappointment for everyone involved (especially Chris Harrison); and 2. Colton will shower before, during, and after.

  26. Emily says:

    You’d think he would’ve sent Cassie home though because she’s the only one who says she doesn’t love him. I still think Cassie just wants to be the next Bachelorette. I liked Caelynn to be honest.

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