Cover Snark: Chainmail, But Make it Fashion

Happy Cover Snark Day! We caution you not to eat or drink while reading.

The Other Side of Perfect by Meghan Quinn. A man wearing aviators and nothing but an olive green flight suit is standing in the desert. He has one hand on the jumpsuit's opening and pulling it over toward his pec.

Amanda: Is “the left side of perfect” the pec he’s about to show us?

Sarah: Is he about to…show us?

Amanda: HA

Sarah: I’m waiting?

LOL

CarrieS: I bet that haircut is not regulation.

Night of Magic by Stephanie Burkhart. A man is wearing a hoodie in the background next to a stone castle. The woman is wearing a black bustier and a chainmail shawl over one shoulder. Everything looks to be on fire.

From LauraL: From the book description: The year is 800 A.D. on the Emerald Isle, and Prince Jasper is determined to regain that which has been lost to him.

I guess flat irons and hoodies were fairly common then.

Sarah: I’m glad he has his incongruous hoodie. It would be a shame if he lost it.

Elyse: Is that Danica Patrick?

Amanda: We go together like chainmail and hoodies.

CarrieS: Is that a chainmail scarf?

Dream Mate by Sharon Spell. The background is a wall of flames. A woman in a pushed up white shirt is lying on a motorcycle with the handlebars at her shoulders. A man covered in dragon scales leans over her. Okay, sure.

From Karen: I can’t get over the prominent rib cage and missing breasts nor the position of his nose. And what’s that thing on her elbow (oh, wait, I guess it’s part of the motorcycle that may be there). Believe it or not, the scales are the least disturbing thing on this cover to me. What do you think?

Sarah: He sneezed really really hard and knocked her unconscious.

“I’ll use her shirt to wipe my dragon schnoz. She won’t mind.”

Wait, maybe the leg is a decoy, and she’s really half-motorcycle? I bet that’s a thing.

Amanda: I can only imagine the annoyance at those handlebars digging into her back. I predict lots of “Ows.”

Elyse: He needs to moisturize.

The Haunting of the Hockomock Swamp by H.E. Kline. A shirtless man in a Native American headdress is standing in a blue-hued swamp. A pterodactyl seems to be flying around in the background.

From Suzanne: There is just so…sooo…much to talk about here. Because the not-to-scale head isn’t even the weirdest part of this.

That’s a Pterodactyl in the background, I’m pretty sure.

Sarah: I’m a copy of every confused-face gif you have ever seen right now.

More from Suzanne: Yeah. Some pals of mine and I were also discussing it.

If he’s in Hockomock Swamp, in Massachusetts, why is he wearing a Plains headdress on his tiny, not-to-scale head? He must be REALLY lost in that swamp, seeing as he should be in North Dakota.

Why is he obviously some white suburban dude?

Where is his neck?

The questions are endless.

Sarah: I mean, the Dakotas are JUST LIKE Massachusetts, right?

Amanda: Is the swamp being haunted by cultural appropriation?

Comments are Closed

  1. 1
    Heather M says:
    31+

    I want to write a story about that one stock image guy who shows up on all those badly photoshopped romance covers (hoodie guy from Night of Magic; also there’s this one blonde white guy I see probably even more than him, though he’s not in this batch of covers). Either something about being trapped in a cursed image, or a support group for stock models.

  2. 2
    cbackson says:
    11+

    I STRONGLY encourage you to read the Amazon page for the Haunting of the Hockomock Swamp (especially the “from the author” note). There’s a lot of WTF going on here:

    “Perhaps when your children are haunted and plagued by a mysterious illness, it is not a result of biology or science but a vengeful spirit of the past
    using your children as a medium for the truth.”

  3. 3
    DonnaMarie says:
    19+

    @Karen, You’re concerned about his nose? Look at his neck! I’m having a bad Plastic Man flashback.

    As for the Hockomock Swamp mess? Are we really not past the time where we only recognize First Nations by using cliche imagery? That cover isn’t just snarkworthy, it’s rant worthy.

  4. 4
    Georgina says:
    11+

    Heather M, are you thinking of the square-jawed blond guy who was on the original cover of Courtney Milan’s Trade Me? He’s been on a bunch of other covers and I always notice because has such striking eyes.

    I can only find the German version with a quick search, but it’s here:
    https://www.goodreads.com/book/photo/25626975-trade-me

    I love the idea of a support group for stock models! They’d all be so confused about themselves, what with the way they’re in love with a different woman every week.

  5. 5
    Heather M says:
    4+

    @Georgina, yep, that’s the guy! For awhile it seemed like he was on *every* cover.

  6. 6
    Kim says:
    4+

    @cbackson From the Inside Flap: “He closed his eyes seeing the three-headed dragon hovering over his head, a single tear fell from his left eye.”

    WELP. There you go.

  7. 7
    LauraL says:
    5+

    I saw the overly-developed arm of the guy on the Dream Mate cover and then where his hand is located, thinking I hope the bike isn’t running or just turned off. But hey, he is dragon and used to heat. Maybe she is wearing one of those really, really tight sports bras?

    And, what DonnaMarie said. Everyone has access to Google and can look things up these days, even photo-shoppers.

  8. 8
    DonnaMarie says:
    5+

    @Laurel, THE ARM!! Good God, he has no elbow!!!

  9. 9
    Darlynne says:
    8+

    @cbackson: “Perhaps when your children are haunted and plagued by a mysterious illness, it is not a result of biology or science but a vengeful spirit of the past using your children as a medium for the truth.”

    Good heavens. First impression: Is this a pro- or anti-vaccination subplot? Honestly, I can’t tell if I’m shaking my head or developing some kind of twitch with this crop of Cover Snark.

  10. 10
    Kristi says:
    13+

    Welp…all I can say about Dream Mate is that I can’t get past my scalp-tingling cringe from seeing all of that hair draped in/on/through those moving parts. Reminds me of the schmex-on-horse discussion found here a few weeks ago. Just not advisable. As for Hockomock, I was so enthralled by the photoshopped nightmare of a tiny headed plains native dropped in the swamp that I MISSED THE FRIGGIN’ PTERODACTYL!!

  11. 11
    DiscoDollyDeb says:
    12+

    I love it when I recognize my favorite cover models! Hoodie guy has been on Jackie Ashenden and Alexa Riley books among others. (I hope cover models get paid by the book!) Just this weekend, I was reading the copyright page of a new book (I always recommend reading everything that comes before page one—a wealth of information there) and after the standard “all characters are works of fiction and are not meant to represent anyone living or dead, blah blah blah…,” the author had written, “I know the cover models for this book are smoking hot, but they do not represent my characters in any way.” That gave me a smile!

  12. 12
    Betsydub says:
    5+

    Re: The Left Side of Perfect – is that Robin Sabato-Thicke, Jr. on the cover?

    Re: Night of Magic: What’s under her right arm – her dark… dangerous… yoga mat?

    Little did The Mamas and The Papas know when they sang “Monday, Monday – so good to me…” what that would mean for SBs all over the world in the 21st century… G-d bless “Cover Snark”.

  13. 13
    Jenni says:
    3+

    That first cover= buff Robin Thicke

  14. 14
    Louise says:
    8+

    @Kristi:
    I was so enthralled by the photoshopped nightmare of a tiny headed plains native dropped in the swamp that I MISSED THE FRIGGIN’ PTERODACTYL!!
    Next time this site does a Best of Cover Snark compilation, we could hardly do better than “I was so enthralled by X that I completely overlooked Y”. Last month wasn’t it a river of blood?

  15. 15
    Karen H near Tampa says:
    6+

    Besides the Plains headdress on an East Coast native (supposedly, that is) and the too-small head, what bothers me about Hockomock is the creeping something on his right arm. It reminds me of a horror movie where you get the bad disease, then get black lines on your body, then crack along those lines and disintegrate.

    And thanks for posting my submission of the “Dream Mate” cover. I did like the suggestion of the “half-motorcycle” woman. I’m continuously amazed by the weirdness of so many covers.

  16. 16
    LMC says:
    4+

    Is “Left side’s” torso sitting on really small hips? It kind of looks like when you put to different dolls (okay, “action figures”) together.

    “Dream Mate” gave all sorts of squicky feelings–he looks 12, her thigh is super short, the hair over moving parts (shudder), his weird stare…

  17. 17
    BellaInAus says:
    4+

    Left Side guy looks like Tom Cruise’s taller cousin. TC squicks me out. Sorry, noping out.

    Night Of Magic, I’m distracted by the brown thing on the bottom corner of the book. It’s probably her arm holding up her skirt, but it looks like a weird piece of furniture.

    Dream Mate brings out two thoughts. 1. OMG, is that TINTIN? On fire? and 2. What is the name of that actress who tossed a scarf over her shoulder, got the fringe tangled in the wheel of her car and broke her neck?

    Hockomock Swamp has a pterodactyl in the background! SQUEEEEEE!

  18. 18
    Louise says:
    6+

    @BellaInAus:
    Not an actress but Isadora Duncan, the dancer. I’m not sure if she broke her neck or was strangled.

  19. 19
    DiscoDollyDeb says:
    7+

    @Louise: Either way, the scarf getting caught in the car’s wheel ended her life immediately. I saw the movie “Isadora” (with Vanessa Redgrave in the title role) when I was young and for years I was a bit squeamish about scarves.

  20. 20
    denise says:
    2+

    How is the Dream Mate gal even in that position? My back hurts looking at her.

    The hooded guy showing up on all the covers always reminds me of Michael Phelps.

  21. 21
    Serethiel says:
    4+

    THAT HAIRCUT IS NOT REGULATION

  22. 22
    BellaInAus says:
    2+

    @Louise

    THANK YOU. It was getting really frustrating in my brain trying to remember that.

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