We’re asking you to caption another cover! What’s in it for you? A $10 bookstore gift card!
This cover was submitted by Lauren (thanks, Lauren!) for some cover snarkage, but we thought it was too good to pass up for captioning.
Here are the rules for captioning that cover:
Comment below with your caption! Feel free to caption the cover however you want, but what we really want to know is if you were a centaur’s bride, what sort of wedding vows would you write? Next to each comment should be a heart symbol. The Bitchery can use those to vote their favorites, or you can comment on which caption should be best in show. A winner will randomly be selected at the end of the contest!
The best captioner will receive a $10 bookstore credit to a book retailer of their choosing.
Standard disclaimers apply: We are not being compensated for this giveaway. Void where prohibited. Open to international residents where permitted by applicable law. Must be over 18. Quick question! Is a centaur’s heart located in its human half or horse half? Or does it have two hearts? Truly, one of life’s greatest mysteries! Comments will close Friday August 24, 2018 around noon ET, and a winner will be announced shortly thereafter.
Best of luck!
Winner update: Congratulations to Megan with the winning caption:
The question remains: Will the centaur of attention be able to maintain a stable relationship?
To Have and to Hold the Reins
I ___, as your faithful ride, take you, ____ to be my cherished – nay- my adored husband, and I promise – nay, I vow – to have and to hold, from this day forward, in sickness and in health, for richer and for poorer, until death do us part. Nay, even after death does us part.
Vows of chastity.
“Sir, may I have your daughter’s hoof in marriage?”
“Neigh!”
“Her father didn’t entirely approve at first, but it’s not like mine is the first horse’s arse to marry into the family so he came around in the end.”
How would I wear pants?
This conditioner makes my hair SO SILKY!
(that was just my first thought when i saw the cover)
An avid equestrian, I always hoped to ride a horse down the aisle at the ceremony. But–would it be awkward to ask the best man to give me a lift to the altar?
If I were a human, you’d be looking carefully at those dots, but since it’s part of my horsey self, you can’t see it. Anywho, I vow not to crush you or thunk you with my hooves when I take you in the backdoor.
“Maybe he’s born with it… maybe it’s equine.”
At least I know what he’s hung like…
I swear, it was right there…
… because he really can’t do “it” by himself….
An evil curse made him half man, half horse; but when her love breaks the curse which will she choose- the man or the horse?
Only one woman can ride his heart to happiness.
Vows-I promise to keep you in clean straw and rub you down, no matter what. Together we’ll ride into the sunset together.
I Barbie, take you, Strangely Melted Ken Doll…
This small-town tailor was going to comfort the new stallion in town through his humiliating bout with mange … just as soon as she figures out how pants work on a centaur.
The Saggitarius clan desperately needed for this match to work, but the bride came from the bull-headed Taureans. He’s flighty and non-commital, she’s stubborn and grounded. Can they resolve this astrological disaster in the making and find true love?
To have and to hoof!
“You make my withers quiver and my tail twitch, and I promise to look after you until your horse insurance expires and go to the glue factory.”
I vow never to call you “a horse’s ass” in moments of anger…unless I can’t think of funnier material.
You’ve never seen a horse with abs before, or a man with a tail… but now you’re getting it all.
The groom will be asked, “Do you promise to love and cherish her for better, for horse, and, forsaking all others in the herd?”
Well, this couple will surely be celebrating with one of those trendy barn weddings!
The question remains: Will the centaur of attention be able to maintain a stable relationship?
“Yeah, I Don’t Know How This Is Going to Work, Either”
This guy might not get a bride — even HE can tell his deodorant’s not working!
“I take thee as my lawfully wedded ride, in spavins or in health, and promise to be a faithful groom, to rub you down after every workout, to keep you from getting chilled or winded, and if you break a leg I vow to take you to the farrier and not to shoot you in the head.”
I’m sorry, I don’t think this is the most eloquent vow, but honestly my first and most visceral reaction was, “NooooooOOOOooOOOOOooo!!!!”
So. I guess that’s mine.
I, Bree-ee-eeony, take thee, Eunik-hornio, to be-ee-ee my. . . Wait! WTF! Where’s your ASS?!? No wonder it’s getting dark; the sun was in there. I-I-I can’t marry someone with nothing under his pony tale! M-m-mommy, I don’t wanna Little Pony. . . .
Half man, half horse: all waxed
All I can come up with is the groomsmen are actually literal grooms.
Here comes the… you know what? I’ve changed my mind. Take me to the nunnery, please.
(He looks like a horrible mutilation imposed upon somebody’s plastic Breyer pony, and I have concerns that he lives in a post apocalyptic hellscape.)
Holy Semi-Bestiality Matrimony
Why Centaur and not Manimal?
I, Whinny, take you, Ryder, as my stable mate forevermore. I shall forsake my own English riding, for your Western Pleasure, and follow your lead rope in good times and in whoa, for the rest of my days.
When Ken met My Little Pony
Where’s his dick? I assume it’s in the normal place for a horse, but wouldn’t it be more enjoyable for both parties if it was in the correct spot on the human half? I just can’t get past that thought.
I’ve been a wild stallion for many’s a day,
And I’ve spent all me money on whiskey and hay.
But now I’m returning with gold in my hair
And I never will play the wild stallion no mare.
And it’s no, neigh, never
No, neigh, never no mare
Will I play the wild stallion
No, never no mare.
Palomino? PalomiYES
A Man at Heart, A Stallion in Private and a Mess in the Stall.
Little known fact: When the astrology professor job at Hogwarts ended, Firenze took over Fabio’s modeling contracts.