Elyse Watches The Bachelor – Episode One: Four Laurens

It’s a new year, and time for a new season of The Bachelor. This season features a past Bachelorette loser: Arie Luyendyk, Jr. Arie is a racecar driver and describes this season as his most “important race yet.”

IT’S NOT A RACE, ARIE, IT’S A JOURNEY!

Once again I contend that this show is not really about “the Bachelor” but about amazing women forming friendships while traveling and drinking and spending ABC’s money. And I’m 100% here for that.

Also, it’s a damn good thing I’m watching this sober because there are four Laurens this season. Three are blonde.

Fuck you, ABC.

Anyway, it’s the first episode of the season and it opens with a brutal rehashing of Arie being dumped by Emily on The Bachelorette. Arie claims that after the breakup he raced 200 days a year and also started a second career in real estate. Which totally explains how he has time to be on reality TV.

Shit, I work a fulltime job, review some books, and I don’t have time to pee some days.

Anyway, Chris Harrison comes out and tells us that Arie is handsome and financially successful. My husband, who was in the kitchen taking a pizza out of the oven, shouts, “Wait, he has cancer?”

No, Rich. He doesn’t have cancer. But I wouldn’t put it past ABC to try and work that in one season.

Since this is the first episode, it’s mostly the contestants getting out of limos, pulling a cute stunt to be memorable, while Arie stands in front of the McMansion looking bored. Also a PA has to hose down the driveway periodically to make it shiny, although we don’t get to see that (for real. It’s a thing they do).

One of the contestants, Tia, is from Wiener, Arkansas. So there’s that. When Tia tells her dad that Arie is a racecar driver he says, “Well, at least he has a job.”

In a cutaway we learn that Krystal helps the homeless because she learned her little brother was living on the streets. “We want to help him, and he’s just not ready for help. So I want to treat people the way I’d want them to treat him,” she says tearfully. She makes sack lunches and passes them out to San Diego’s homeless community.

Arie does not deserve these women.

They cut to several women drinking champagne in a limo. Cementing my theory that ain’t nobody here for the bachelor, one of the women says, “Cheers to us!” And then clearly as a PA gestures at her, “…and cheers to Arie.”

Then we switch over to Chris Harrison standing outside the McMansion grilling Arie. “How have you not found a relationship. How have you not found love yet?” he demands.

That’s pretty big talk for a guy who lives in a subterranean lair under the McMansion and has pledged his life to The Rose God. I sort of expected Chris to hiss, half in parseltongue, “You essssscaped onccccccceeeee…”

Then we start the parade of women.

Bri, a sports reporter, throws a softball at Arie who catches it, which is good because if he broke his nose on the first night, it would really put a damper on the gratuitous making out later. Jacqueline, from New York, tells Arie, “You just have to stand there and look pretty.” I actually snorted Coke Zero through my nose at that.

Then a bright red vintage car pulls up (it might be a ’65 Mustang. IDK. I don’t care enough to Google). It’s Bekah, the nanny (who’s watching that kid while she’s filming?). “I may be young,” she says, “but I can still appreciate something classic.” Arie doesn’t seem to realize she just called him old. Time to break out the Just for Men, dude.

Chelsea, clearly set up to be this season’s villain, mutters, “That cherry red looks better on your lips, bitch.” Which, when you think about it, aside from the bitch part, really isn’t an insult. If someone told me my red lipstick looked better than the cherry-red paint on a vintage Mustang, my fucking day would be made.

Chelsea, you’re doing this wrong.

Then the Laurens come out. The first is Lauren S. Right after her is Lauren J, who gives Arie Mardi Gras beads. Then Lauren B appears. Then Lauren G.

I feel like last season would have been so much easier on Nick Viall if they’d just given him a bunch of women with the same name.

Ashley hands Arie a checkered flag and tells him she hopes she finishes first.

For the record, Arie, the lady should always finish first. HEYYY-YOOO!

Maquel pulls up in a racecar, takes off her helmet, and shakes out her hair. Damn girl.

Twenty-nine women and a shitload of wine later, Chris Harrison allows Arie to leave the driveway and come into the house. Chelsea is the first to snag some one-on-one time.

I know that ABC is casting her as the villain, but I give Chelsea props for monopolizing Arie (and the camera’s) time so that the other ladies can chill and enjoy the sushi buffet. One of the women basically flat-out asks him why he thinks finding a partner on reality TV is gonna work if he can’t find a partner off-screen.

DAMN GIRL.

It’s about this time that I realize that while Nick Viall was amusing in his dimness, Arie is just…bland. He’s almost painfully boring. He’s the tapioca pudding of the Bachelor world. Usually these guys have some kind of charm (even Nick seemed to have an inclination to try and be entertaining). Arie looks like he’s being trotted around by Chris Harrison when he really just wants to take a nap on one of the rented sofas.

At one point he and Brittany race those little cars that kids drive, and it should have been at least adorable, but it looked like most un-fun thing ever. What kind of dude makes little race cars boring? He’s like the human equivalent of Unisom.

If I had rum in my Coke, I’d be sound asleep by now for sure.

Then Chelsea “scandalizes” everyone by taking up one-on-one time with Arie again, and kissing him.

“So I just met Arie for the second time,” she tells some of the other women. “He’s still like the same charming person.”

So he didn’t dramatically change in the ten minutes since you last spoke to him? Thanks for letting us know. Just keep us updated, I guess.

“What are three things that make you excited to be alive?” Bekah asks Arie.

He stares into the middle distance. “I don’t know. Excitement?”

Bekah, bless her, says, “Soooo…excitement makes you excited for being alive?”

Someone needs to get this guy a Red Bull or something.

Arie gives the first impression rose to Chelsea, then Chris Harrison emerges from a slithering mist to inform us it’s time for The Dreaded Rose Ceremony. I lose track of all the Laurens and then Chris informs me that there’s only one rose left.

THANKS CHRIS.

A lot of the women who leave, notably Amber and Jessica, cry pretty hard, but remember they’ve been filming all night and everyone is exhausted. Also, in broad daylight, the McMansion’s decor is horrifyingly bright. There’s a lot of fuchsia and goldenrod. I think only one Lauren made it through, but honestly I’m not sure and I’m not going to rewind to confirm.

Then Arie announces that he’s “in the driver’s seat” this season, everyone laughs painfully, and Chris Harrison slinks back to the shadows.

And that’s it for episode one.

Are you watching this season?