How’re your holidays going? Good? Well, that’s great! But if not, here’s some Cover Snark to help put a smile on your face!
From Carole: Just OMG.
Carrie: These are not the bear. The bear is my penis.
Elyse: It’s like a super fucked up centaur
Why is half his body missing?
Did he lose everything from the waist down to frostbite?
Carrie: It was tragic.
Amanda: It’s like a weird centaur hybrid. Instead of the man part on the front, he’s placed on the back.
Carrie: Fortunately he was able to get set up with a service bear.
Redheadedgirl: This is why vivisection is a bad plan.
Elyse: Technically we’re all half centaur.
Redheadedgirl: Deep Thoughts With Elyse
Carrie: Actually, I used to live in a Alaska just south of the Arctic Circle, so I think I can solve this mystery. You see, in that part of the world, men are always afraid of their privates freezing and falling off. So when you get dressed for the outdoors, the first layer men put on is the Polar Bear Glove For Privates ™ available at any local market and in the Anchorage 5th Avenue Mall. Not to be confused with the Lemming Bra donned by women. Of course you would normally put your clothes on inside, but this is clearly a catalog ad for the product being shot in a studio.
It is of course illegal today to use a real polar bear. While there’s no substitute for the insulating quality of actual polar bear fur, our cover model is wearing a synthetic bear, as required by Federal Law.
Redheadedgirl: Is that why it’s pink?
Carrie: Yes, they are avail in a variety of colors.
Sarah: Another person emailed about Butt Polar Bear. Cammie says, “Okay, there’s just no nice way to say this…but is he f*cking that bear?”
Cammie and I share many thoughts about this cover.
Amanda: There’s a lot going on here.
Elyse: I don’t think her head is attached correctly.
Is the ribbon holding it on?
Amanda: It’s like that weird creepy story about the girl with the ribbon around her neck.
Sarah: I think she’s dissolving? But only her shoulder??
Amanda: I feel like making the “is that a gun in your pocket” joke is way too easy.
Sarah: SO MANY SUGGESTIVE ITEMS IN ONE PICTURE. WHAT COULD THEY ALL MEAN.
Elyse: That’s how he became known as Joe “One Nut” Mulligan.
Amanda: So this title is not what I thought it was.
Elyse: Lolol
Redheadedgirl: What… what is it supposed to be?
Amanda: Royal Rock and I read it as Royal Cock.
Redheadedgirl: Are we sure that it isn’t a typo on the Amazon page?
Because that realllllllllly looks like cock to me.
Elyse:
Sarah: Royal Eock?
No, royal cock.
Though now I’m composing HEAs for a royal Eock except autocorrect keeps switching it to Ewok which is only marginally weirder.
I love cover snark. 😀 😀 😀
The couple on Treasured look like they’re both thinking, “I know the PERFECT way to distract him/her before I stab him/her.”
I read it as “royal cock” too. I could almost respect it more if it had been. I mean, if you’re going to put it all out there, just put it ALLLLL out there.
OMG I’m dying! “Joe ‘One nut’ Mulligan.”
And you know it’s bad when “Royal Ewok” is the best of the titles. LOLOL
My first thought on the last one, after I got past the title, was “Why does he have a scarab tattoo on his chest?” Then I looked again, and the heraldry nerd kicked in. A lot of royal houses, including the Hapsburgs, use the two-headed eagle, but the helmet is totally wrong. And where’s the crest, and the supporters, and the royal orders, and the motto, and the pavilion? I mean, if you’re going to go to the trouble of emblazoning your arms on your chest, dude, at least do it right.
I have a terrible mind. When I see that first cover, the position of the frost giant behind the innocent polar bear, I’m seeing something I don’t want to see.
As for the last one, it does appear to be saying Royal Eock.
If I showed up at church on Easter in an outfit like that, I’d have 50 babushkas throwing their shawls around my shoulders to cover me up. Also, that is a terrible hat and clearly photoshopped in.
Meanwhile, I agree with @Lostshadows about the couple in Treasured. Either that or they are trying to have sexytimes and defend themselves at the same time and all the weaponry is getting in the way.
And that is definitely Royal Cock. Unless they were trying to say Royal Yuck and didn’t know how to spell it?
I think the pink polar bear weird centaur is the best! I can’t stop laughing at that picture!
New rule of cover snark: don’t read it while sitting in your parents’ living room. They’re liable to ask what you’re snickering at as you try not to laugh out loud. I think my mom would get it (I came by my sense of humor honestly), but I’m not sure about dad.
By the way, my first thought about the polar bear was ” So the bear is his mate?!!” Or maybe the bear is Bjorn, and he’s not happy.
Just writing to say that I love you all and a Cover Snark is a great way to start my day. Thank you!
I have the same question as Katy L about Bjorn and the bear. Though Carrie’s explanation was just as reasonable.
Definitely “Royal Cock”
I adore Cover Snark.
#1) I am so sad that Polar Bear Glove For Privates is not a real thing. However, Elyse could knit up some Willie Warmers. Just google them.
#2) I suspect that head does not actually belong to that body. Also I think her left shoulder is dislocated.
#3) I read a news article once about a man in San Diego who accidently shot off his penis when he stuck his gun down the front of his pants. Just saying’.
#4) The only way that reads is “Royal Cock.”
I hadn’t been to SBTB in a couple of weeks and was innocently scrolling down the main page when I saw the thumbnail of cover #1. Didn’t even see the title of the post or anything else, just that picture and my scrolling immediately stopped. “What the hell is he doing to that bear?!” That cover is both alarming and squicky and I wasn’t sure I really wanted to hear the synopsis of that particular book.
The man in Treasured should know better. He has already shot off his right hand, and the new graft isn’t even taking.
I’m sitting here laughing my tail off at the cover snark and my daughter says to my husband, what would mom do if she didn’t have this book blog stuff to make her laugh so much. I love it!!
I think “Royal rock” was heavily influenced by (or maybe just copied from) Lauren Blakely’s “Big rock” that was published earlier this year. The font for the “rock” is very similar and even though the cursive “r” is more obvious on the “Big rock” cover, I still saw it as “Big cock” most of the times I looked at it. I’m sure the placement at the top of the model’s thighs had nothing to do with that.
Interestingly, the copyright for “The Easter Mail-Order Bride” lists The Killion Group and Hotdamndesigns, both of whom usually do decent covers. I agree it looks like the head and the torso don’t see to go together. But I am bothered even more by her wearing her underwear outside with a hat. Though it does remind me of Randy Newman’s great song “You can leave your hat on” (if this song is new to you, the lyrics are available with an easy search).
@Karen H near Tampa, “You can leave your hat on” Would that by any chance be froma little know Paul Newman film, Blaze, where he wants to go to bed with the hooker wearing his Stetson and his cowboy boots? Although he was still wearing his undershirt and his boxers and I remember wondering how he would get the shirt off without losing his hat or the boxers off over the boots.
Yes, thank you, I do have an inquiring mind.
Speaking of which, the model with the detached head and dislocated shoulder… that face reminds me of an actress but I can’t remember her name.
I’m really sorry to say this, but I think “Bjorn” is the modern Icelandic form of the Anglo-Saxon “Beorn” (like in The Hobbit). If so, I think it means “bear.” So the title of #1 is “Bear’s Mate.” Which definitely suggests what’s happening on that cover. (Perhaps the polar bear has fallen in love with a double amputee and that’s why he has no legs, but they still have a satisfying love life?)
Also, font issues aside, does the title “Royal Rock” (and that is TOTALLY not what it says) seem kind of unfortunate in terms of “rock” being the UK word for a kind of candy sold at seaside resorts? Is anyone else flashing back to the early 2000s and the song “Candy Shop”?
@ Karen H near Tampa: And don’t forget the fabulous cover by Joe Cocker.
I second Carrie’s report on the Polar Bear Glove for Privates. Being a born-and-bred Alaskan, I’ve seen them myself at the 5th Ave Mall in Anchorage. They do come in handy when you want to preserve the family jewels, and not by putting them on ice.
Just kidding (though not about being from Alaska and living in Anchorage). But I really wish it were true. I’d be buying so many as gifts!
Also, bjorn is bear in Norwegian and several other Nordic languages.
I do so love me some cover snark…
*Waves to fellow Alaskan Nancy C*
I can’t hear the song “You can leave your hat on” (or a mention of it) Without thinking of The Full Monty, particularly the scene where they are all waiting in line and that song comes on and they all unconsciously do their dance moves. 🙂
My husband was thrilled that our nomination made Cover Snark, but I need to post his question: So when Bjorn filled out his census under ‘Sex’ did he indicate he was Bi-Polar?
@Carole <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Please slap your husband upside the head for me.
<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
The first one looks a bit like the model’s trying to do the Daniel Craig emerging from the sea thing and a teeny polar bear just photobombed him.
Oh my, that is beautiful. I really needed this today. Cover snark is the best.