There are naked guy covers, and there are headless naked guy covers, and then there are headless naked guy covers where the only thought going through the designer’s head was something along the lines of, “WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU WANTED SUBTLE?” There are some covers with prominent castle turrets and some with very oddly-placed Ionic columns, and some with blatantly phallic masts turgidly sinking beneath the swelling warm waters of the turbulent ocean… but more often than not, it’s a big, throbbing sword standing in for his big throbbing sword.
Atlantis Unleashed is one of the latter.
This was slightly distressing to Alyssa Day, who, as she told me, is very proud of this book (And I quote, “it’s quite possibly the most emotional, action-packed, and best novel I’ve ever written,”) and as a result, is somewhat dismayed to have to direct shoppers to The Penis Sword Book.
But it’s not like she can hide it, so she’s owning the glory that is PENIS SWORD MAN. As she said, “…a bunch of reviewers and advance readers are saying hella good things about it, even the guys like SciFiGuy who read it in SPITE of the cover, so why not revel in the joy that is a giant, gleaming, Penis Sword?” Because, holy shit, this is a big ass sword.
It’s time for Caption That Cover!
With Alyssa’s blessing, give her book a caption in the comments, and the top five will win an autographed copy of Atlantis Unleashed.
My suggestions:
“If you say its name, it’ll burst into flame. No, that’s a good thing.”
“Wanna parry my thrust?”
You have 24 hours, so let’s make scabbard jokes! Ahoy!
“I’ll be Moses. You Let Me Part Your C”
(i’m going to go ahead and apologize now. blame it on lack of sleep)
Oh gawd, now I know why the following dialogue exchange from The Mask of Zorro must have popped into my head this morning:
“Do you know how to use that thing?”
“The pointy end goes in the other man!”
“That’s my magic wand, baby.”
Or …
“Wanna see my magic wand?”
Ashwinder – thank you! That was amazing!
My entries:
“A blade in the hand, is like two in the bush…”
and
“There’s nothing try-dent about this, baby. It makes a big dent.”
and
“Let me introduce you to Mr. Pointy.”
“You named it Mr. Pointy?”
“It was that or Mighty Sword of Lovin’, but I figured you’d already have a mouth full.”
and
“This is my sword… gifted to me by Poseidon himself. It’s huge, darling, but don’t worry, my flesh sword is bigger and it was gifted to me by Aphrodite.”
“Don’t worry it’ll fit…I’ll make it fit.”
“Sword? What sword?”
And JoanneL. I’m with you. The first thing I saw were the ripped abs and oh-my-gawd-squeeze-me-till-I-can’t-breathe” biceps 🙂
Hahahahahaha! Love it!
Hate to get all Saturday morning cartoon here but the first thing that popped into my mind was
“By the power of Grayskull….I HAVE THE POWER!!!”
or
“Thunder,Thunder,THUNDER CROTCH,HO!”
“Even in Atlantis men like to spend every spare moment gripping their swords.”
@LadyT: ““Thunder,Thunder,THUNDER CROTCH,HO!”
BWAHAHA! Winnah is you! 😉
I was looking for sword quotes to make puns out of, and these stood out:
“There is, hidden or flaunted, a sword between the sexes till an entire marriage reconciles them.”—CS Lewis
“And each man stands with his face in the light. Of his own drawn sword, ready to do what a hero can.”—Elizabeth Barrett Browning
And, of course, from the Bard: “Why, then the world’s mine oyster; which I with sword will open.”
Oysters are as difficult to crack open as virgin heroines’ hymens.
:falls out of chair, laughing:
These are too funny!!! Ok, here goes:
A sword in the bush beats a sword in the hand
Oh, that’s bad!! Really bad….
I not no comment has been made about the fact that the cover for Atlantis Unmasked, the ad for which is on this site, features an Atlantean gripping his staff. Two-handed even! Someone over at Berkley definitely likes men holding their own.
roflmao brilliant! Not sure I can compete, but here goes:
“And PARRY! And PARRY! Now THRUST!!”
“With a love sword like this, one thrust makes women feint.”
(Nothing like a fencing pun.)
“B-b-b-baby, you just ain’t seen nothing yet. Wait ‘til you get a load of the tip on this sucker!”
Verification: lead 18—- hmm, looks to be a bit longer to me.
“Ooooh—shiny!”
(and now I’m thinking of that Silmarrilion in 15 Minutes post someone did—WANT SHINIES!)
(congress78? hmmm)
Wanna grip my pommel?
He’s not really a South-paw, his other hand is just busy.
“Wait . . . I thought girls liked shiny things.”
“Get a grip!”
“Don’t worry – it’s magic!”
Shiny, sensuous sword seeks soft, sleek scabbard.
“Just wait until I show you my *other* sword.”
Buildings tumble, mighty towers fall … only his sword remains erect to battle the storm.
Phallic Symbols R Us: For when you need more phallic than symbolic.
Atlanteans: We hold our own. (stood on Madd’s shoulders for that one)
Baby, if I was a piece of silverware and you were a dairy product, I’d be a hot knife and you’d be butter. (sorry, that one was terrible)
passed62: Passed 62 inches long?
“I’ll hold the hilt and you can polish the rest any way you want babe.”
or
“It’s not just long, it’s a broadsword too!”
I don’t mind the cover art itself, but why is he magenta colored? Is it just how it looks on my screen or is the guy a deep pink color???
“His schwarch was strong, all long and hard and shiny.”
I obviously watched the movie Spaceballs too often in my youth.
Okay, spelling redo since edit seems to be missing.
“His schwartz was strong, all long and hard and shiny.”
Love is my Sword.
Great titles here – I am sniggering away!
Is that a claymore in your sporran, or are you just glad to see me?
“The Edward Scissorhands sequel they never wanted you to see.”
Y’know, Shakespeare already did this: “Hippolyta, I have wooed thee with my sword…” I speak as one who played Hippolyta, aged sixteen, and…wait a minute, is that when I started writing smut?
And having seen the ad opposite, I have to add: “If you think this is impressive, you should see the size of my weapon on Atlantis Unmasked.”
The true meaning of “high tide” in Atlantis.
:falls over laughing, again: remember, this is a good book!!! Pink heroes and bizarre swords aside!! Promise!! LOL.
Okay…this Japanese proverb popped into my head and it made me giggle when compared to the cover:
“The tongue is more to be feared than the sword”
YIKES!
These are too funny! But seeing how I misread the Christine Feehan quote as “Alyssa Day creates an amazing and astonishing sword” I’ll just go with that.
Since Poseidon was known for his “earth shaking” abilities:
“This sword is gonna rock your world”
Meh. Yeah, lame. Sorry. I’ve got nothing better…
Weirdly, all that pops into my mind is a Whitesnake lyric from my formative years (the late 80’s)…“let me cut your cake with my knife”. At the time it sounded so sexual, now it just sounds kinda creepy.
Spamword: run83… as in RUN! It’s 1983 and it’s trying to come back!
“Hi. I bought this sword on Tuesday and now it has all this schmutz on it. No, I didn’t do anything weird. Seawater? Um, is seawater a problem?”
Congrats on your great new book, Alyssa! I have a dream where all the romance writers at a publisher (starting small, here) say, “That’s it. We’re not turning in anything until you stop with the cheesy covers!” Honestly. It’s like, “Go out there and promote yourself as a serious artist. But first, put on this Hooters uniform.”
Don’t worry. Your fans will buy it anyway. But most of them will buy it despite the cover, not because of it.
It’ll only hurt a little at first.
Oh, wait…
Umm, makes me wonder …
“Does he have the fancy foot work to go with that mighty sword?”
I just want to add I think Alyssa’s being a very good sport about all of this! I hope this results in bestseller ranked sales of her Atlantis books.
“The motion of the ocean cannot be sheathed.”
“Atlantis Unleashed: The Warriors of Priapus”
ooh, how about “Atlantis Unleashed: Quest for the Sword of Compensation”
I’m embarassed to say that this cover might have made me turn away from the book (I know, I know, my mom would be ashamed of my shallowness), but Ms. Day’s calm and comedic reaction to the cover makes me want to see what kind of writer she is, so I’m off to check out her backlist.