Caption That Cover: Penis Sword!

Atlantis Unleashed has a penis swordThere are naked guy covers, and there are headless naked guy covers, and then there are headless naked guy covers where the only thought going through the designer’s head was something along the lines of, “WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU WANTED SUBTLE?” There are some covers with prominent castle turrets and some with very oddly-placed Ionic columns, and some with blatantly phallic masts turgidly sinking beneath the swelling warm waters of the turbulent ocean… but more often than not, it’s a big, throbbing sword standing in for his big throbbing sword.

Atlantis Unleashed is one of the latter. 

This was slightly distressing to Alyssa Day, who, as she told me, is very proud of this book (And I quote, “it’s quite possibly the most emotional, action-packed, and best novel I’ve ever written,”) and as a result, is somewhat dismayed to have to direct shoppers to The Penis Sword Book.

But it’s not like she can hide it, so she’s owning the glory that is PENIS SWORD MAN.  As she said, “…a bunch of reviewers and advance readers are saying hella good things about it, even the guys like SciFiGuy who read it in SPITE of the cover, so why not revel in the joy that is a giant, gleaming, Penis Sword?” Because, holy shit, this is a big ass sword.

It’s time for Caption That Cover!

With Alyssa’s blessing, give her book a caption in the comments, and the top five will win an autographed copy of Atlantis Unleashed.

My suggestions:

“If you say its name, it’ll burst into flame. No, that’s a good thing.”

“Wanna parry my thrust?”

You have 24 hours, so let’s make scabbard jokes! Ahoy!

Comments are Closed

  1. SonomaLass says:

    “Hey, it’s mine and I’ll hone it as often as I want!”

  2. Tina C. says:

    It’s the Atlantis-su sword!  It slices!  It dices!  It juliannes!  Angled just right, it provides light to read by!  Watch it cut through this tin can and now slice this tomato perfectly!  Act now and you, too, can indicate that you have a humongous penis and dazzle her with your kitchen expertise! 

    But there’s more!  If you call in the next 10 minutes, you’ll also receive the Atlantis-su paring knife and the Atlantis-su boning knife and genuine Bronze-Age Atlantis-su bar-b-que set, for no extra cost—a $200 value!!  But you must call now….

     

     

    (Atlantis-su is a subsidiary of Atlantis Products.  Atlantis Products is not responsible for any nicks, cuts, emergency medical care, or false penis-size promises.  All callers must be 18 years of age.  Limit one per customer—except in Ellora’s Cave.)

  3. mynfel says:

    It’s like the Sword and the Stone! (Except this one won’t pull out!)

    *cringes*

  4. mynfel says:

    …or maybe I shouldn’t be stupid – Sword *IN* the Stone.

  5. Boning knife! *snork*

    Deep68… the mind boggles

  6. Chrissy says:

    May I just chime in and acknowledge what a great sport Alyssa is being?

    Seriously.  I’d be fetal and whimpering by now.

  7. Never mind THAT—wait until you see his rapier wit!

  8. CupK8 says:

    “The ad on Craigslist said ‘Sword Instructor’ …. “

  9. san_remo_ave says:

    “Say hello to his little friend”

    “On guard… er… engarde!”

    “It’s limbo time!”

    “This ain’t your mother’s saber story”

  10. Nickle says:

    The Boys Book Of Overcompensaton.

  11. OMG, I’m too scared to sip my coffee because I’m laughing so hard I’ll have an accident.

    Thank you everyone for the huge laughs. Thank you Alyssa for tackling this tricky problem head on. I mean . . . I didn’t mean that to be rude!

  12. Krista says:

    *Schwing*

  13. Cat Marsters says:

    remember, this is a good book!!! Pink heroes and bizarre swords aside!!  Promise!!  LOL.

    We believe you, Alyssa.  No, I mean I do: I’ve had a cover officially snarked by the Bitches, and I’m still here (book sold fine, too).

  14. darlynne says:

    “Hey, Rocky, watch me pull a rabbit out of my pants!”

  15. Leslie H says:

    Just one more…

    That is SOME lightning rod!

  16. Hey I have nothing against swords but if I had to quote it would be –
    ” It’s not the thing you swing, but how you swing the thing”

  17. Angela says:

    Heee…  I really want to read the book now.  Kudos to the author for being so cool!  Oooh… can I try one?  Can I?

    “The very sight of his weapon was enough to make maidens faint and grown men cry… and the sword was pretty impressive, too.”

  18. Amly says:

    “The Glow-worm wang of Poontang Mountain”
    “Low Riders Ho Rider: Sunburn Victim Lovin’”

  19. Gia Dawn says:

    (*I made a wee little change at the beginning…lolol)

    Cyrano de Bergerac: You may go. / Or tell me, why are you staring at my nose*…er…sword*?
    The Meddler: No!
    Cyrano de Bergerac: It disgusts you, then? Does its color appear to you unwholesome? / Or its form obscene?
    The Meddler: But I’ve been careful not to look!
    Cyrano de Bergerac: And why not if you please? / Possibly you find it just a trifle large!

  20. nekobawt says:

    maybe it’s just been a long day, but i keep misreading “engarde” as “engorge”…is it just me, or is my brain staying in the spirit of the thread?

    hey moothra, nice “dr horrible” reference. <3

  21. mamaphoenix says:

    Just remember to lick it before you stick it!

  22. I’ve been laughing reading each of these (even called two gal pals and made the hubby read them). And frankly I might have hesitated to pick up the book because of the cover (though it probably would have caught my eye—geez, it coulda’ taken one out) but now, seeing how well Alyssa is handling this ribbing (wow, that probably doesn’t sound as appropriate as it should considering context…) I’ll definitely get the book and give it a read.

    Alyssa—you are taking this tremendously well (and smart girl—bringing it here will create a buzz your publisher’s marketing staff surely didn’t imagine ;-)!

  23. ev says:

    562 miles round trip to atlantic city and back and the only thing I can come up with, after reading every thing else is

    “did you bring the KY jelly?”

  24. kinseyholley says:

    Rebyj: You’re right.  I think that’s a very disturbing looking belly button.  That’s not an innie – that’s a hole.  And what’s with his stomach?  Is that manbush, or veins, or what?

    No offense to Allysa.  I’ve actually wanted to read the series b/c I love the whole Atlantis thing.

    When I tell romance readers that authors – even best selling authors – have no say over their covers, they’re always surprised. 

    eyes59:  Not yet.  I’ll be eyeing 49 afore too long, though.

  25. Well, how about:

    It’s shiny, thick and long.  What more could any lady desire?

    Lots of fun comments and Alyssa you’re being a super sport!

  26. Strategerie says:

    Alyssa, now I’m going to have to read this book. After all, is that a sword in his pocket, or is he just happy to see me? 😉

    I’d also like to thank you for the godawful Bryan Adams earworm—you know—“Now it cuts like a knife…but it feels sooo right.”

    Of course, all I can think of right now is that damn KY Intense commercial, except in the Atlantean version, all the furniture’s broken, the bedding is shredded, the heroine’s hair looks like it got run through a lawnmower, and the hero croons into her ear, “Too much for the first date, huh?”

    -S

  27. Jen H says:

    Caption: “Heh. Cousin Wolverine only got the claws.”

  28. Kimmy L says:

    I hope it’s okay that i put 3 on here but I thought they were so funny I had to share them.

    “They don’t call me Lance-A-Lot for nothing, you know.”

    You wouldn’t happen to know where a lonely knight could scabbard his sword, would you?”

    “Milady, it’s not the size of the wand that matters, but the magic within.”

  29. ev says:

    “there’s no knights in white satin here, baby.”

  30. Carin says:

    “Come!  My sword needs polishing!”  🙂

  31. Saam says:

    You think this is a sword? Just wait ‘til you get a load of the broadsword in my pants!

  32. maygirl7 says:

    Stick it to her!

  33. Polly says:

    He was poised at the brink…

  34. yomama says:

    Hi! I’m a long time lurker, first time poster.  A title, eh?  How about Ouch, She Said?  No?  Take It to the Hilt, Baby!? No?  Lord of the SwordA Pineapple Would Be Less Painful?  I got nothing…goes back to being quiet again.

  35. Jill Lynn says:

    I’ve tried and tried, but just can’t come up with a cleaver caption 😉

  36. emmad says:

    Oh how funny.  Can’t help it but this reminds me so much of naming our race horse.

    Sire: Daggers Drawn
    Dam: Magic of the Night

    See the resemblence lol.  We settled with Power Cut.  Wanted Stab in the Dark but it was taken.

    For the cover hmm.  “I dub thee Sir Justice, Rise Sir Justice Rise”

  37. ashley says:

    “What, this old thing? This is my short sword, just ornamental.  You should see the one I use for battle!”

    although Closetcrafter should probably win.

  38. Michelle P says:

    Channeling a little celebrity jeopardy SNL:

    “The penis mightier for 200, Alex.”

    Also:

    “Yes, but did you see the stone tower?”

  39. He says to the heroine: “And when they say I have balls of steel, they aren’t kidding.”

    The heroine’s reply to the hero’s personal ad: “Have Sword? Will handle.

  40. Diane/Anonym2857 says:

    Hooray—

    The Bitchery comes through with the buck snort LOL moments once again!  Thanks for the laughs.  I’ve been missing the cover snark.

    I may read SBTB at work but I hold off on posting until I get home, so naturally all the good ones I thought of have already been posted—and they couldn’t beat some of the absolutely brilliant ones above, anyway.  My only other one that hasn’t already been said (and even it’s been mentioned in some form or fashion) is a dialogue between an alpha male/traumatized feisty virgin a’la any Diana Palmer book:

        “Just relax, baby—you can take me.”

        “Are you kidding me?  That’s what you said before!  It’s all fun and games until someone loses an eye.”

    I used to work in a crime lab. I’ll spare you the details of the autoerotic suicide crime scene images that have been flashing through my mind all day, except to share that It was a moment of epiphany all those years ago:  I realized then that I was obviously WAY too repressed, since that didn’t even look remotely fun to me… and I was okay with that.

    Diane :oP
    still repressed

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