Caption That Cover: Penis Sword!

Atlantis Unleashed has a penis swordThere are naked guy covers, and there are headless naked guy covers, and then there are headless naked guy covers where the only thought going through the designer’s head was something along the lines of, “WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU WANTED SUBTLE?” There are some covers with prominent castle turrets and some with very oddly-placed Ionic columns, and some with blatantly phallic masts turgidly sinking beneath the swelling warm waters of the turbulent ocean… but more often than not, it’s a big, throbbing sword standing in for his big throbbing sword.

Atlantis Unleashed is one of the latter. 

This was slightly distressing to Alyssa Day, who, as she told me, is very proud of this book (And I quote, “it’s quite possibly the most emotional, action-packed, and best novel I’ve ever written,”) and as a result, is somewhat dismayed to have to direct shoppers to The Penis Sword Book.

But it’s not like she can hide it, so she’s owning the glory that is PENIS SWORD MAN.  As she said, “…a bunch of reviewers and advance readers are saying hella good things about it, even the guys like SciFiGuy who read it in SPITE of the cover, so why not revel in the joy that is a giant, gleaming, Penis Sword?” Because, holy shit, this is a big ass sword.

It’s time for Caption That Cover!

With Alyssa’s blessing, give her book a caption in the comments, and the top five will win an autographed copy of Atlantis Unleashed.

My suggestions:

“If you say its name, it’ll burst into flame. No, that’s a good thing.”

“Wanna parry my thrust?”

You have 24 hours, so let’s make scabbard jokes! Ahoy!

Comments are Closed

  1. Stelly says:

    The first thing I noticed, besides that impressive gleaming length, was that the cover model is wearing jeans!  Correct me if I’m wrong, but Alyssa’s book sounds like a fantastic fantasy.  Would the hero really wear jeans?  Couldn’t they have found more “accurate” clothes (or lack of clothes for that matter)?

    Ok, enough complaints about the stylist’s dismal clothing choices.  Here is my caption:

    “He’s looking for that perfect sheath.”

  2. Rachel says:

    “He has a mighty sword; now he’s hunting for the perfect mighty sword swallower.”

  3. ghn says:

    “Whaddya mean, make love not war??”

  4. Alyssa Day says:

    OK, I’m already cracking up here!!  And now, it’s not a traditional fantasy novel – they’re set in modern Earth (or at least a version of today’s Earth that has vampires and shapeshifters out in the open).  And, of course, Atlanteans! 🙂

  5. Kim says:

    “Plunge into Pleasure”.

  6. hurts so bad…ummm… good



  7. Carolyn says:

    Darlin’, it ain’t gonna hurt ….

  8. kalafudra says:

    “I’m not only a sharp guy, all of me is sharp. Geddit? Or are you too dull?”

  9. Barb Ferrer says:

    “Beyond Pulsating Penii.”

    I couldn’t help myself.  Don’t enter me.  Which sounds dirty in and of itself.  I’ma get my own copy of the book later today. 😛

  10. Michelle says:

    It’s not the size of the sword that matters, it’s the magic of the user

  11. Michelle says:

    Also just had a Crocodile Dundee moment:
    That’s not a sword, THIS is a sword

  12. Bren says:

    Taking the world over with his indomitable “Cialis”,  from the Greek word meaning “to cleave the waters with a mighty Johnson”.

  13. Mary G says:

    “No, the sword isn’t in my pocket, but I AM happy to see you!”

    Hmmm Atlantis Unleashed… isn’t that a chain on his sword?

    “Wanna unleash my sword?” Or… “Come, unleash my sword”

  14. JoanneL says:

    Unleashed: And Too Big To Even Fit On The Cover

    No? Okay, I’ll stick to reading.
    And how sad is it that generally all I ever really notice on covers—aside from the authors name— are the abs & arms?

  15. inez kelley says:

    I am thinking condoms might be a bit of a problem in this case.

    But anyway, before coffee effort:

    He’ll split the slit!

    OMG the word is LENGTH68!!  How freaking perfect!

  16. The penis mightier than the sword.

  17. @Maggie—I think I love you.

    My best effort is, “Did you know ‘vagina’ is Latin for ‘scabbard’?  Who says studying the classics was a waste of time?”

  18. Lorelie says:

    “I’ll only put the tip of it in.”

  19. Lorelie says:

    Re-do, ‘cause I got the quote wrong (didn’t we used to have an edit button?):

    “This’ll only hurt for a little while,
    I’ll only put the head of it in.”

  20. Greg Stolze says:

    “If you’re going to stick that in me, could you at least do it without humming the theme from ‘Shaft’?”


  21. charlane says:

    drop the pen, my sword is indeed mighty

  22. Uncommon Jen says:

    After years spent developing his left arm, Forrester realized he should probably start polishing his sword with his right hand to even things out.

  23. Holly says:

    I just keep thinking of the circus and a sword swallower:

    “Hey, you wanna swallow my sword?”

  24. romantic@heart says:

    “Do you really think any pen is mightier than this sword?”

  25. romantic@heart says:

    Atlantis Unleashed: The Sword Whisperer

  26. Ashwinder says:

    Sure, you’ve heard of Excalibur. But I bet you’ve never heard of his cousin Erectcalibur.

  27. Carrie Lofty says:

    The most common complaint among women regarding sex is that their partners rarely devote enough time to swordplay.

  28. Aloha says:

    The sword is there clearly to compensate for his teeny tiny schnitzel.

    “Compensating?.. who.. me.. no waaay..”

  29. RStewie says:

    This is my weapon, this is my sword.  One is for sparring, one is for fun!

  30. Sonic says:

    Well, I don’t know if Atlantis is rising and unleashed, but something certainly is! 

    “Gonna Need Lube”

  31. Elizabeth Wadsworth says:

    I think I’m more concerned about the odd placement of the guy’s navel, which looks about six inches too high on his abdomen.  Also, the tattoo on his arm seems to be emitting some kind of cosmic ray—clearly, he must be an alien.  Can’t think of a good caption though.  🙁

  32. closetcrafter says:

    “And lo, it was as the prophecy of Atlantis foretold…Poseidon swore that the swordfish would play a mighty role and wield a hefty weapon in the uprising”

  33. Kwana says:

    There is no way I can compete here. Loving Erectcalibur! Fun. Thanks for being such a good sport.

  34. votermom says:

    As Donkey said to Shrek “Do you get the feeling he might be compensating for something?”

  35. Lisa J says:

    “We all know size matters and my sword is bigger than most.”

  36. Beth says:

    For years I struggled with this thing in my pants.  Now, I keep it…Unleashed.

    Love this series.  Waiting for tonight to snuggle in w/a cup of tea and read it.

  37. Melissa says:

    I’m channeling Blazing Saddles here……….

    ‘Scuse me while I whip this out!  (Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh)

  38. Lori S. says:

    “There’s more to me than just a big prick.”

  39. Barbara says:

    ATLANTIS UNSHEATHED: The Warriors of Puts-It-In

    “No, you grip it like *THIS*”

    “No, baby, that’s not lightning. That’s me.”

  40. StacieH4 says:

    I’m channeling Wayne & Garth….


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