Book Review

How to Catch an Errant Earl by Amy Rose Bennett

How to Catch an Errant Earl is the second in Amy Rose Bennett’s “Disreputable Debutantes” series. It has a loveable heroine but the hero is such a douchebag that I simply could not even.

The heroine of this novel is Miss Arabella Jardin. She is one of four friends who were expelled from Mrs. Rathbone’s Academy for Young Ladies of Good Character for “conduct unbecoming.” I assume we hear more about this in the first book. Arabella is forced to go on a Grand Tour during which she is chaperoned by truly appalling relatives. Arabella assumes she will never marry since she is of dubious birth, is a “bluestocking,” and is considered homely because she has gap teeth and wears glasses.

Who are all these heroines running around who are known for being unattractive until the hero realizes that they are the most beautiful woman ever? I find it baffling. There can’t possibly be that many homely but actually super-model-stunning women running around England. Also, people with glasses do in fact have to actually wear them. We can’t just whip them off every time we want to transform ourselves. We would be too dazzling. Mortals would not be able to handle it. We must wear our glasses for the common good.

Anyhow. Arabella is into medicine which endeared me to her no end. She has quite a bit of practical training thanks to her grandfather who let her follow him around (he was a doctor) and she hopes to open a foundling hospital one day (she was a foundling). She is pen pals with the encouraging Dr. Radcliffe, an un-glamourous man whom she has also met in person. How I dreamed, Dear Reader, of a romance about two people who open a hospital together. That would have been interesting. Alas, such is not to be, because the hero of the book is the permanently drunk rakish Earl of Langdale, Gabriel Holmes-Fitzgerald. I must review the book I have, not the book I wish to have, and the book I have is a massive disappointment because a romance cannot thrive on a heroine alone.

Gabriel is a Rakish Earl who somehow manages to be even more of a waste of space than all the other Rakish Earls in Romancelandia. He does all the rakish things –  spends a lot of money, wastes his talents (he’s good at art), drinks to excess every night. He sleeps with women right up until they develop feelings for him, at which time he blames them for thinking he could have had feelings for them, and then he ghosts them or dumps them brutally. He loathes his cousin Timothy even though, as far as I can tell, Timothy does very little that Gabriel doesn’t do himself. There is a whole subplot about how Gabriel has to prove that his parents had a legal marriage or Timothy will take his title and I could not give two shits about it.

Gabriel and Arabella meet in Italy and within a day he’s compromising her in a situation that is only barely consensual given her lack of experience with men and her vulnerable position. They have a rushed wedding and, after having sex, Arabella says they can’t do that again until it’s time to make babies, because Gabriel will cheat on her (he’s told her as much). He sees sex as a game, whereas she has sex-induced Feelings and if she allows those feelings to develop then Gabriel will break her heart. Gabriel agrees that this is inevitably true although he wants to have fun sex anyway. The rest of the book is the sorting out of Feelings as obviously Gabriel has Feelings, too. He just couldn’t admit to them because he has Abandonment Issues which is why he was a rake to begin with.

Arabella is overall a good person and a solid character. She is competent in an emergency and has found a way to pursue her interests and do some good in the world despite her inability to be a doctor. She is naive and inexperienced and the mistakes she makes come from that place and are consistent with her character. She has the presence of mind and strength of character to tell Gabriel that he can’t sleep around until after they have children because she doesn’t want her kids to get syphilis. She’s a good person who is imperfect in ways that make sense. She does not use her abusive family, her social frustrations, or her own abandonment issues as a crutch.

Gabriel is a selfish, entitled ass. He’s super upset at the idea that he won’t be able to fuck around with other women until it’s time to make a baby. He has the unmitigated gall to try the blue balls maneuver:

You see, men are base creatures and have strong urges by and large. If we’re sexually aroused and don’t expend our seed regularly, our bollocks become quite painful and ache with the need for release.

For fuck’s sake, Gabriel. In the words of Smart Bitch Amanda, “No one cares about your stupid boner.” At least he gives Arabella some tips about masturbation; that’s nice of him.

Gabriel was raised by a physically and emotionally abusive father who teaches him that all he can do is spend money and fuck around. I get that. Arabella, who was also raised by abusive relatives and has the additional frustration of being unable to be a doctor due to her gender, spends her time thinking of how she can use her skills and privileges to help others. Gabriel starts the book whining because sleeping with a parade of beautiful women and living in a house made of money is dull.

Eventually Gabriel realizes that he’s in love with Arabella but not until a highly unbelievable crisis occurs. Frankly, I think he’ll dote on Arabella until the adrenaline wears off and then go back to pouting about something. For me, a successful romance must involve two (minimum) people to root for, not one, and as far as I’m concerned Gabriel is an irredeemable character whose realization and maturation is too sudden and too convenient. Dump him, Arabella. You deserve more.

I did like some aspects of this book. Arabella is an interesting character, as she combines naïveté with directness and bravery with regard to preserving her health and self-respect. I enjoyed the moments that explored medicine and charitable hospitals. The scenery is lovely and the references to Mary Shelley and Lord Byron are well done. I did read the whole book, but mostly because I kept expecting developments that never came. But despite some glimmers of enjoyment, this book was a disappointment.

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How to Catch an Errant Earl by Amy Rose Bennett

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  1. Star says:

    Ugh, what a tool.

    The thing about the whole stupid blue balls gambit is that in addition to being inexcusably manipulative and gross, it’s also completely illogical to the point of stupidity. Like… okay, so you need to take care of your boner. Great! How convenient that there are numerous fun ways we can do that together that do not involve a vagina!

  2. DonnaMarie says:

    Always sad when a great heroine gets saddled with a turd of a HEA.

  3. Lisa says:

    The cover model looks like Daisy Ridley! (Who is definitely not homely.) I can’t unsee it now.

  4. Kit says:

    Not another romance where the heroine ends up with the idiot instead of the guy who she might actually have more in common with.

    Also blue balls? Please, just use your hand and spare us

  5. Beth says:

    I snickered my way thru the review. Love this:
    Also, people with glasses do in fact have to actually wear them. We can’t just whip them off every time we want to transform ourselves. We would be too dazzling. Mortals would not be able to handle it. We must wear our glasses for the common good.
    I almost want to read it ….

  6. Heather Griffiths says:

    On the subject of your very funny comments about all these women running around who are homely until the hero’s gaze transforms them into beauties, I thought of Georgette Heyer’s “Sylvester”. Phoebe is not exactly homely, but she is not a beauty. Plain, mousy I suppose. After he falls in love with her, Sylvester’s mother asks something like, is she beauty, or is she pretty. Sylvester says yes, then no, then “When she is animated, I believe you would consider her to be very taking.” Loved it then, loved it now. Her degree of physical attractiveness is just irrelevant to Sylvester

  7. Susanna says:

    Yeah, that’s one Romancelandia cliche (gorgeous “ugly duckling”) that I was most amused to see pop up in a space opera series (Honor Harrington).

    I like historicals but am avoiding this one; thanks for taking the hit!

  8. Emma says:

    Hehehe, I’m on chapter 9 of this book! About the situation that you saw as “barely consensual,” I actually thought it was OK. 1. She’s 21 and not oblivious about sex, even though she herself hasn’t experienced it yet. 2. The guy is late 20s, I think, so no creepy 32 y-o hooking up with an 18 y-o vibes. 3. There are lots of points where she had the opportunity to stop. This all happens after he takes her medical advice seriously, unlike everyone else around her, so I think she implicitly knows that he respects her as a person and would stop if asked. In fact, they do pause at one point and say that they should probably stop, and they’re like “one more kiss” and of course that’s when they get caught.

    I think poor judgment on both their parts is the crux of the problem, rather than an issue with consent. And, like you said, the poor judgment is definitely believable on Arabella’s side because of her inexperience. And I guess poor judgment is believable on the earl’s side because idiots exist in all time periods. But I honestly don’t see a consent problem.

  9. Todd says:

    In regard to the glasses thing – years ago I saw a movie in which the hero and heroine have become interested in each other and have started kissing, etc. She’s portrayed as uptight, wears glasses, has her hair pinned up. Well, in this scene she’s taken off her glasses and he reaches up, pulls out ONE pin and her beautiful hair just cascades down. Made me snicker (if you have your hair pinned up (1) it takes more than one pin and (2) it won’t come down gracefully).

  10. batgirl says:

    @Todd – ditto the cliche where the heroine (disguised as or mistaken for a boy) pulls off her cap or hat and her hair tumbles down smoothly with no hat-head or tangles or whisps or anything.
    And now I have to go and look up whether 1800s spectacles had arms or were mostly of the pince-nez style.

  11. Susanna says:

    Both fashions were in style in the 19th century – pince nez being the older form, continuing in popularity, and the more modern style with supports over the ears was starting to come in. Lorgnettes (pince nez on a stick) were also fashionable.

  12. Lisa F says:

    I haven’t read this book, but this review convinced me that I would unquestioningly knee this hero in the balls instead of rooting for a successful romance.

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