718. RT Rewind: December 2012 Reviews

[intro]

Sarah Wendell: Hello, and welcome to episode number 718 of Smart Podcast, Trashy Books. I’m Sarah Wendell, Amanda is with me, and we are back in the time machine, heading to December 2012 to see what new books were reviewed in Romantic Times magazine. We’ve got multicultural books, beefy paragraphs, big thorns, Schrödinger’s baby, and charming, vulgar nonsense. Plus, we ask a very important question: if you were suddenly the heroine of an Inspirational romance, how would you know?

I want to offer a TRIGGER and CONTENT WARNING for the Erotica section at the end: both books are a little, um, a little of a lot. It was a time, y’all.

And if you want to watch this episode with images of the covers and Amanda and I cracking up a lot, head over to our YouTube page. There is a link in the show notes.

I have a compliment this week for Jennifer KT:

You are more fun than unlimited bubble wrap, more welcome than a blanket fresh from the dryer, and more loved by your friends than you will ever know.

If you would like a compliment of your own, have a look at patreon.com/SmartBitches. The Patreon community makes sure that every episode has a transcript from garlicknitter – hi, garlicknitter – [Hi, Sarah! – gk] – it makes sure that show itself keeps going and I have issues of RT to recap, and they make sure that there are no dynamic ads before or after new episodes. If you would like to join, it is a truly wonderful community of humans: patreon.com/SmartBitches.

Support for this episode comes from Labyrinthine by CJ Holmes, a dark myth-inspired romantasy where love is dangerous, desire is a risk, and monsters don’t always look like monsters.

Princess Azhara was born cursed. Marked by ancient magic, promised in an unholy bargain sealed in blood, she is the prize. When the Reaping begins, suitors will descend into the labyrinth beneath the palace, each one fighting to win her hand or die trying. She has never had a choice, not in the Reaping, not in her future, not even in the power buried beneath her skin, until now. The golden prince arrives with charm too slick to trust and eyes that gleam with secrets. Her quiet guardian, once her only constant, has begun to keep dangerous truths from her. And as the labyrinth trials unfold, Azhara realizes the maze isn’t her only trap. It’s the men: one lies, one loves, one kills. And she is not sure which is which. As suitors fall and secrets surface, Azhara must choose what’s worth saving: her kingdom, her heart, or herself.

1. A. Riley, bestselling author of The Conspiracy Chronicles, said there are:

>> addictive twists and turns, a main character who knows her own mind and her worth, with a dollop of feminine rage.

And readers are saying they couldn’t put it down. One reader said they reread a chapter twice, giving it “an undiluted six stars.” And another said:

>> I finished it and immediately stared at the wall, because my brain was still wandering the maze.

A beautifully woven tale of love, magic, and sacrifice, Labyrinthine is available now in paperback, e-book, and audio wherever books are sold. Learn more at cjholmeswriting.com, or check in the show notes to find your copy today.

Support for this episode comes from Hatch. You know how when you finish a romantasy and you just need the next thing immediately? Hatch has made that thing. It’s called Ophelia, an original audio drama inspired by Hamlet, where Ophelia finally gets to be the main character. Forbidden magic, a crumbling kingdom, a slow-burn love triangle with a prince and a very guarded, very intriguing best friend. The kind of love triangle where you will absolutely pick a side, and you will not be quiet about it. Book one of the three-part series is now available for free wherever you stream, with new chapters dropping every Tuesday. For books two and three, check out hatch.co/Ophelia, or find the link in the show notes. And as a treat, I have a sample of chapter one at the end of this episode so you can experience Ophelia for yourself. Thank you to Hatch for sponsoring this episode.

All right, I’ve got snacks; I’ve got drinks; let’s get in the time machine back to December 2012. On with the podcast.

[music]

Sarah: All right, so. We’re here to talk about December 2012.

Amanda: I know I picked this one.

Sarah: Yes.

Amanda: [Laughs] I know I picked this one.

Sarah: Yeah, I was also aware of that because you picked it. Yes. I was there for that.

Amanda: I know I picked this one, but then I’m scrolling through; I’m like, There’s an awful lot of holiday stuff in here. And then I’m like –

Sarah: Yeah!

Amanda: – Oh, it’s the December issue.

[Laughter]

Sarah: It’s the December issue!

Amanda: Did, my brain did not connect those dots.

Sarah: Listen, if you have ever wondered if a book would make a good stocking stuffer, this magazine issue has at least nine different ads that will tell you, yes, they are.

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: Even Wilbur thinks they make a good stocking stuffer.

Amanda: [Laughs] I heard that. I heard him!

Sarah: He wants more treats. He’s mad.

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: All right, so you picked December 2012.

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: We got some stuff. Why don’t you take the lead? Where are we going first?

Amanda: It’s always Historical. Historical is always the first. The first one.

Sarah: Even when it’s not, it is.

Amanda: Even when it’s not. So I’m on page 33 of the magazine, not the PDF.

Sarah: Okey-dokey!

Amanda: I thought the name of this book and the hero just tickled me. So, on 33 –

Sarah: This is a, this is a very, very good hero name.

[Laughter]

Amanda: So the, the book is called A Private Duel With Agent Gunn. Two Ns, mind you. [Laughs]

Sarah: Just imagine him being born. Like, I’m sorry, you have one career choice with that last name. That’s all you get. [Laughs]

Amanda: Yeah. It’s by Jillian Stone, four and a half stars, Hot.

Sarah: Hot!

Amanda: The setting – Hot – the setting is Victorian England.

>> Fans of the Gentlemen of Scotland Yard series won’t be dis-, disappointed as Stone weaves a detective story that entices readers to keep turning the pages.

Which is what you do when you read.

>> This sexy thriller pits unlikely characters together in a taut plot –

Sarah: Ooh!

Amanda: >> – twisting threads of the storyline in unexpected ways while inviting readers to solve the mystery along with Stone’s characters. Stone understands the art of romantic suspense and superbly merges it with history.

The summary:

>> Phineas “Finn” Gunn is a reclusive man, except –

Finn Gunn.

Sarah: I’m sorry!

[Laughter]

Sarah: Phineas “Finn” Gunn!

Amanda: He’s…What if he’s a dolphin detective?

[Laughter]

Amanda: Finn Gunn.

Sarah: Oh boy, Phineas! Oh man.

Amanda: >> Phineas “Finn” Gunn –

Sarah: Okay!

Amanda: >> – is a reclusive man, except when it comes to crime-solving; then he’s a man with a mission. Long ago in Paris, Finn became involved with prima ballerina Catriona de Dovia Willoughby, a suspected anarchist.

Sarah: Oh!

Amanda: I know, an anarchist and a ballerina? She can do it all!

Sarah: [Snorts]

Amanda: >> Now anarchists are holding her brother hostage, and Catriona needs Finn’s help to recover stolen jewels to pay the ransom. As the walls between them break down and the flames of their old passion are rekindled, Finn and Catriona will either follow their hearts or lose everything.

So he is a crime-solving agent with the last name Gunn, and so I’m trying to think of other hero last names, hero surnames that would match well with their careers.

Sarah: Oh no, like all the people who have, like, urologists named Dr. Stream and proctologists –

Amanda: Yeah, like a –

Sarah: – named Dr. Boot.

Amanda: Like, maybe a Farmer Bull for a rancher.

Sarah: Sure! Absolutely. [Laughs]

Amanda: I’m just thinking. So if you’re ever stuck on a character name –

Sarah: Yeah, you want to go, you want to really lean in. You need Phineas, and you need Catriona de Dovia Willoughby. You need more syllables is my point here.

Amanda: That’s, I mean, that, the heroine’s name in particular –

Sarah: Whoo!

Amanda: – is like a mouthful of marbles.

Sarah: It sure, it really is.

And I just, I want to point something out. In my opinion, a lot, if not most historicals had mysteries in them. Right? If there is an external antagonist and something that needs somebody, you know, a plot against them, there’s almost always some kind of mystery element in a historical. I mean, obviously there are exceptions, but think about, Elizabeth Hoyt’s whole series is historical mystery!

Amanda: I was just, when you mentioned that, I thought –

Sarah: Right!

Amanda: – Elizabeth Hoyt.

Sarah: You know, and sometimes it’s like, okay, A Knight in Shining Armor, how do we resolve this whole fourteen-hundred-year time difference? Big, that’s a big external –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – stress. But, like, most of the time there’s some secret, you know, something is coming and something hates you…someone’s coming to do some things! There’s an external antagonist, and they have to solve what they want. And I look at all of the summaries on these pages and I’m like, okay, there’s another mystery, there’s another –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – mystery. We’re solving a murder; something, something got stolen; someone’s being held ransom. There’s always, you know, the dark underbelly. There were always mysteries in there. That’s, it’s so weird to me that we don’t talk more about how historical was also historical mystery.

Amanda: But now we use the language of historical mystery, I feel like.

Sarah: Yes! That’s exactly – yes! And that, isn’t that interesting? Like, huh.

All right, so I picked on PDF page 35 – Amanda’s going to go by the magazine pages, and I’m going to go by the PDF pages because we just –

Amanda: We like to keep you on your toes.

Sarah: We, we like chaos. It’s fun.

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: I picked How to Deceive a Duke by Lecia Cornwall, four and a half stars, Hot, Top Pick. Setting – you will never guess: it is Regency England. This is such a nothingburger of a review, and we say that all the time –

Amanda: There’s a lot of them in this magazine. [Laughs]

Sarah: But this is like a three-patty, triple-decker nothingburger here.

Amanda: You’re biting into air.

Sarah: Yes! [Laughs] It’s, it’s like, did you, do you like Styrofoam peanuts? That’s what’s for dinner.

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: >> Cornwall takes a plot as old as time and infuses it with a freshness that will satisfy readers who love a marriage of convenience romance. Her complex characters and their emotional baggage will tug at readers’ hearts and have them cheering on the intrepid heroine and the wounded hero until the very end of this carefully crafted, intense romance.

I know this was written by Kathe Robin, who is a real human being, and I know that this was written probably in, earlier in 2012, but that now? That sounds like AI language. Okay, it’s a plot, but it’s a good one, and there’s characters, and it will tug on your reader’s hearts and have them cheering. Like, oh boy. Also, I’ve never cheered out loud while reading a romance novel. I just, I’ve never done that. I feel like –

Amanda: You never go, Yeah!

Sarah: Yeah, like I don’t, I, am I missing some sort of the reading experience? Am I missing out on this? So here’s the summary if you’re curious about this plot:

>> When her sister runs off with a new admirer, refusing to marry Nicholas Hartley, Duke of Temberlay –

I’m sure that that’s actually pronounced like truh. [Laughs]

>> – Meg Lynton, the weed in the Lynton rose garden –

Amanda: Rude. That’s some –

Sarah: RUDE!

Amanda: – rude business.

Sarah: So rude. And if you notice, that line is underlined.

>> Meg Lynton, the weed in the Lynton rose garden, decides to step in and save her family from ruin. Nicholas has no idea who is behind the heavy veil. He has been forced into this marriage by his grandmother. Nicholas’s anger at his grandmother spills over to Meg, but Meg is strong enough to resist his efforts to make her feel worthless, unwanted, and unloved. Still, there is no denying their attraction as they are plunged into marriage, the mystery –

There it is.

>> – of his brother’s death, and danger from unknown energy, enemies.

Amanda: This guy –

Sarah: First –

Amanda: – seems like a piece of sht.

Sarah: – throw this man away. He is emotionally immature. He’s being manipulated into marriage by his grandmother, and he takes out his feelings on his wife, who has no other recourse than to be where she is. The whole conflict is that she was wearing a blanket when they got married, and now she, he’s married to her? Like, okay? What –

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: – the fuck? Fuck this guy. I don’t care about him being happy. He – [sputters] – mm-mm, no. Jerkwad. Anyway. So that was my historical pick.

Amanda: That was, that was quick. We got through those historicals quickly.

Sarah: Well, did you notice that in some sections there are absolutely like dozens of reviews, and some of them are like, Here are some words; moving on?

Amanda: Yeah, there, I feel like this issue, one, has a lot of two-stars. This –

Sarah: Yes.

Amanda: – this one had a lot of two-stars. But also –

Sarah: Very scandalous.

Amanda: – I felt like a lot of the reviews were not great. Like, pretty middling; like, not very exciting.

Sarah: Yeah, there’s a lot of what I, when I’m editing, what I call The grade doesn’t match the text?

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: Like, they’re not related at all.

So moving on to Mainstream Fiction –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – what is your pick?

Amanda: So on 43 of the magazine, 45 of the PDF, depending on what you’re going for –

[Laughter]

Sarah: Keeping you on your toes, we are.

Amanda: – I picked What He’s Been Missing by Grace Octavia. It’s three stars. It’s listed as multicultural, so you know what that means.

Sarah: Ooh, ooh, ooh! Ooh, ooh, I know what that means!

Amanda: [Laughs] What does that mean, Sarah?

Sarah: Well, there’s one other culture, and it’s Black. That’s what it is.

Amanda: The singular culture.

Sarah: Just the one! [Laughs] Oh, romance!

Amanda: >> This novel features the classic case of the secondary characters being more interesting than the heroine. Wedding and event planners will always run into varied and crazy personality types. The action revolves around New Year’s Eve and the hope of a new beginning.

That’s it.

Sarah: That’s not a review.

Amanda: That’s the review. Full stop. It’s –

Sarah: That’s not a rev- – that’s not a review!

Amanda: – three whole sentences. So –

Sarah: One sentence for each star.

[Laughter]

Amanda: I like that review rubric. It’s like one, one sentence per star grade. [Laughs]

Sarah: Yeah, so if it’s a four and a half, the sentence just ends in the middle, like, And the – boom, done.

Amanda: Right, abrupt stop.

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: So that is the review, and I’m like, What the –

Sarah: I’m already crying in this episode.

Amanda: – fuck was that?

Sarah: I need a tissue.

Amanda: The summary is two beefy paragraphs.

Sarah: [Laughs] Two beefy paragraphs! I’m already crying. Okay – [sniffles] – moving on.

Amanda: >> Rachel Wilson is the CEO of a wedding planning service. Ian has been her best friend since college. At thirty, Rachel has no husband and no prospects. Meanwhile, Ian is getting married, and Rachel is having a hissy fit. She’s extremely jealous of Ian and Scarlet. As she –

Sarah: Girl.

Amanda: >> As she tries to destroy the marriage even before it takes place, Ian catches on and breaks off their friendship. Meanwhile –

Sarah: Okay, good?

Amanda: Yeah!

>> Meanwhile, Rachel’s customers supply most of the entertainment. There’s a rapper who’s working on his third marriage and a news anchor who’s too attractive for his own good. Rachel reconnects with another classmate, Xavier, and they begin a relationship. Even though Xavier used to be a player, he cares for her deeply. There’s one more encounter with Ian, and finally Rachel decides to get a life of her own.

I feel like the second paragraph introduces a, a host of potential romantic interests for Rachel, so I don’t know why there needs to be, like, sabotaging the best friend intro. Why don’t you just have the thirty-something who is the wedding planner, but it’s the case, like, classic case of She deals in love, but she’s not in love. She has no relationship, and now she’s got a, a buffet of gentlemen to choose from.

Sarah: Well, if they’re her customers –

Amanda: What –

Sarah: – and they’re people who are getting married – but, I mean –

Amanda: I guess.

Sarah: – she’s already tried to stop one wedding. What’s one more? Why is stopping a wedding a thing that people do in books and movies? Like, I would never get off my ass for something like that. These are adults. What, what, is me saying, Stop, don’t do this, is really going to, like, tip the scale? Like –

Amanda: Well, I –

Sarah: – what, what, is this?

Amanda: I think the person yelling, Stop, don’t do this, it’s more about them, right?

Sarah: Oh, yes.

Amanda: Like, they want the attention of interrupting this wedding.

Sarah: Oh, for sure.

Amanda: Anyway, what a weird review.

Sarah: Also, Rachel’s having a hissy fit, Rachel’s having a hissy fit because Ian is getting married. Like, this whole first paragraph, she sounds terrible!

Amanda: Okay, so this also makes me think of My Best Friend’s Wedding, which –

Sarah: Ohhh, yes, please deliver unto me your rant about this movie, ‘cause I know there’s one coming. This is –

Amanda: I watched it –

Sarah: – this is a classic Arandamant movie, ‘cause I have the same feelings.

Amanda: I watched this movie; it’s one of my mom’s favorites. I’ve seen it so many times. I think we had the soundtrack, and I love the scene where they’re all singing together in the restaurant “Say a Little Prayer.” Love that scene so much. However, Julia Roberts’s character is a terrible person.

Sarah: She is the worst, and she’s the heroine? Like, what the hell?

Amanda: Yeah. She’s a terrible person. It is very like, she’s not a girl’s girl. One –

Sarah: Nooo.

Amanda: – she’s not a girl’s girl. She is definitely a not-like-other-girls Pick Me –

Sarah: Mm-hmm!

Amanda: – for sure, ‘cause she’s like, Oh, I’m going to take him to a baseball game, and clearly they, like, dress differently. She’s more the tomboy, and Cameron Diaz is like, definitely, like, more girly. So looking back on it now, I cannot root for Julia Roberts –

Sarah: No.

Amanda: – in the slightest.

Sarah: No, this is one of those movies where you go back and you’re like, Oh, my feelings are so different now. She sucks!

Amanda: Yeah. And I have, like, when you’re watching it and the scene where Cameron Diaz’s character, they’re at karaoke and she is a bad singer –

Sarah: Yeah, and –

Amanda: – but she still gets up anyway and does it? Ugh. Justice for her.

Sarah: Justice for Cameron Diaz’s character, and my favorite thing is that Maggie Sullivan plays the mom. I would watch Maggie Sullivan do anything.

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: She, she used to hawk Tylenol, and I’d be like, Yes, make that Tylenol bag, ma’am.

Amanda: Who was the – I, okay, so the hero is, is it Dermot? Dermot Mulroney? Is that the guy? Or –

[Laughter]

Sarah: Dylan Dermot, Dermot Mulroney.

Amanda: There’s an SNL sketch where there, it’s like, is it Dylan McDermott, Dermot Mulroney, or David Duchovny I think were the three?

[Laughter]

Amanda: I think I’ve got to find the SNL sketch, but I was like, Which one was it?

Sarah: That would be Dermot Mulroney.

Amanda: Okay, I was –

Sarah: But I hate to inform you also that Rupert Everett is in the movie too!

Amanda: And he – look, my mom fell in love with Rupert Everett. Like, that man –

Sarah: I mean, that’s an understandable –

Amanda: Ugh.

Sarah: – that’s an understandable affliction right there.

Amanda: Okay, I’ve got to find the – [laughs] – Dylan McDermott or Dermot Mulroney sketch.

Sarah: Is it Dylan McDermott or Dermot Mulroney?

Amanda: Oh my god, okay, I’m going to put it in the – [laughs]

Sarah: I’ll put it –

Amanda: Anyway.

Sarah: – in the show notes for everybody.

Amanda: There we go. [Laughs]

Sarah: So my pick is PDF page 46, Rules for Lying, or excuse me, Rules of Lying by Stephie Smith.

Amanda: I almost picked this one ‘cause I read the review and I’m like, What a nitpick here. [Laughs]

Sarah: Oh my gosh. Two stars, and it’s an e-book, and the publisher is listed as stephiesmith.com, download for $3.99? So I’m wondering –

Amanda: Oh!

Sarah: – what led this apparently self-published book to be put in the mainstream section when they already have the digital bonus where they’re starting to look at e-books separately, and you pay for those reviews. Like, how did Stephie Smith end up in the magazine? Did, did she pay to get here, or were they like. Let’s just pick this one? I don’t know.

>> Oddly, Rules of Lying has little if anything to do with lies. The protagonist’s family is supposed to be a bunch of liars, but the reader never sees them actually tell any lies! Further, the book spends too much time on dull domestic scenes, mostly of the protagonist fixing her dilapidated property, so that the mayhem-filled scenes are silly and eye-rolling-ly over the top by comparison. Additionally, the book doesn’t seem to know its own point of view. Is it slapstick, a mystery, a thriller? It’s too all over the place.

Now the reason I picked one, this one is the summary, because everything old is new again.

>> Former romance novelist Jane Dough –

D-O-U-G-H, Jane Dough, get it? Jane Dough, okay.

>> – Jane Dough has moved home to Florida after the end of her disastrous relationship with a rock star! Unfortunately, the de- –

Amanda: Which honestly seems like, you break off a relationship with a rock star, Florida seems like the best place to go.

Sarah: I mean, you’re making good choices here, right? This is exactly –

Amanda: Yeah, probably Daytona Beach is my guess.

Sarah: [Laughs] If you had to diagnose a location?

Amanda: Daytona, yeah.

Sarah: >> Unfortunately, the deteriorating condition of her property means that the neighborhood housing association wants to kick her right back out. Things start getting weird when someone claiming to be Jane places an ad in the paper to find a husband for her, followed by suspicious new problems with her property and even a murder –

Oh, hate when that happens.

>> – all while her family and the local news media are hounding her.

Okay, this sounds completely unhinged. And you know what? There’s always, I always have room for, like, romances that are completely unhinged? But former romance novelist, I cannot tell you how many books about romance writers there are right now that are being pi- – every third day, I am getting an email about a book from a publicist, and it’s a former romance writer or current romance writer. She’s got plot, she’s got writers block because she can’t find love. Like, this is very familiar. True Crime podcasters are also a rising heroine profession, which I’m not super excited about reading any of those. Not because of the podcasting, but because of the True Crime. I think an author would have to do a lot to convince me that the protagonist who’s a True Crime podcaster is actually engaging with True Crime in an ethical and compassionate way, because most of the time they’re not. And I think –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – that’s kind of important. But yeah, former romance novelist, this, this is coming back around. There, like, how many have I pasted in our, you know, we have a little word on the street channel –

Amanda: It’s been a lot.

Sarah: – where we post announcements. So many romance writers as heroines. I, I don’t want to say, like, up their own butts. They’re, authors are very inwardly focused right now, especially because –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – I mean, it makes sense professionally, because the industry is contracting. It is hard to be an author. Publishers are very overworked and under-delivering; people are getting laid off; the, the industry is flooded with AI. Like, there’s all these problems. I, I think the turning inward is, and, and making all of the heroines have happy endings, they’re, they’re making them writers, is an outgrowth of that. But that’s just my –

Amanda: Oh, interesting!

Sarah: – that’s my theory. I mean, I, my brain’s been happy on theory lately. I don’t know if you saw it, but like three and a half thousand words about luxury purses.

[Laughter]

Sarah: So moving on to Teen Scene, I passed on this one because I was like, Oh, apocalypse; moving on.

Amanda: Yeah. There’s a lot of apocalypse, for sure, but I picked one on page 47 of the magazine, 49 of the PDF, called Crazy Love that –

Sarah: I’m so glad you picked this one. This was the one I was looking at, so yes.

Amanda: By Amir Abrams, four stars.

>> Abrams’s debut gives us a fascinating peek into the mind of seventeen-year-old Kamiyah, who is experiencing the pangs of first love. As Kamiyah loses control, readers are in for a ride. Addictive!

That’s the – [laughs] – review. The summary is –

Sarah: That, that is a review, that is a review –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – purely written for the cover quote. “Addictive!” – RT Book Reviews.

Amanda: Oh, addictive. Oh, for sure.

Sarah: Yeah, that’s totally for the cover quote.

Amanda: >> Kamiyah is a senior, an honor student, and a fabulous ballet dancer. She’s daddy’s little girl, but her relationship with her mother is explosive at best. Coming from a well-to-do family, she has a lot going, she has a lot going for her until she falls in love with Sincere and her jealousy gets out of control.

That is the summary. So.

Sarah: That sounds like a middle-grade novel?

Amanda: Great student, extracurriculars, but she falls in love and goes bananas. Is, like, just goes off the deep end is what I’m getting.

Sarah: Also, have you noticed so far that a lot of the reviews that we’re seeing are basically plot summaries?

Amanda: Yeah! The reviews –

Sarah: Like, here is what happens in this book. Like, I don’t need to read this now ‘cause I know what happens! These reviews are not –

Amanda: The reviews are –

Sarah: They’re not reviews!

Amanda: – bad. But, like, is this –

Sarah: They’re book reports.

Amanda: I’m guessing this isn’t supposed to be a romance, or not – yeah! But there’s no subgenre mentioned, ‘cause for some of them –

Sarah: No.

Amanda: – they say, like, paranormal, futuristic. I guess if it’s like non-contemporary they’ll call it out? But from the description, this seems to me like it might be a YA thriller?

Sarah: Mm!

Amanda: And not necessarily a romance? But I can’t tell.

Sarah: Or like one of those coming-of-age stories like that, you know, Judy Blume used to write and other writers – the ones that I was reading when I was, you know, a teenager, the sort of coming of age, my life gets messy and I figure it out and I’m, like –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – in high school? Where it feels like you have all of this, all of these emotions in this very short period of time, and everything seems so important, and every decision is so, so weighty, and everything is hard. But, you know, it’s just like, okay, and then you’re done with high school and you can grow up now. Like, that’s the end. I, I, this just kind of sounds like middle grade, except for the seventeen-year-old part, but okay!

Amanda: Yeah. I don’t get it!

Sarah: I don’t get it either.

Moving on to Inspirational, which is the subject of this issue. We did neglect to mention that on the cover is –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – Get Inspired with Love Inspired. The cover article –

Amanda: Get Inspired.

Sarah: – is all about Inspirational romance. You all are in for a treat when we get there. What did you pick in Inspirational?

Amanda: Wow, this category, huh?

Sarah: Oof.

Amanda: I picked 55 –

Sarah: There’s so much.

Amanda: – of the magazine, 57 of the PDF. This review is so fucking long. If you thought –

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: – the three sentences for three stars –

Sarah: [Laughs more] We found out where the –

Amanda: – was one end of the spectrum –

Sarah: We found out where all the extra sentences went.

Amanda: Yeah. This is a two-star review, and it is like a quarter to a half of a page in a column. Like, that’s how beefy this review is.

Sarah: This is a three-column layout, if you’ve never looked at the magazine. If you’re in the Patreon, you can see the whole scan of the whole issue every, every month. But if you haven’t seen the inside of the magazine, this is a three-column layout, and this review would have taken up one full column. Whereas on other pages, one column could have two, maybe two and a half reviews.

Amanda: And for a two-star review, it is pretty spicy for a two-star review.

Sarah: Ohhh – yeah, Angela Bl-, Blount wrote this?

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: Okay, Angela. Angela was, was, had her Wheaties, and she was in it to win it.

Amanda: So this is a contemporary romance e-book, Clumsy Girl’s Guide to Falling in Love by Karen Wiesner. It was –

Sarah: Such a cute title.

Amanda: – available at whiskycreekpress.com for download –

Sarah: Oh wow.

Amanda: $6.99!

Sarah: That’s a blast from the past. Whiskey –

Amanda: Is the website still operating?

Sarah: – Creek! I will look. You can keep going.

Amanda: [Laughs] Okay. So, the review:

>> Wiesner’s quirky rambling prose has a distinct charm, and readers who are suckers for ugly duckling type stories might enjoy this novel, but it’s challenging to determine what subgenre this book falls under. The physical humor doesn’t quite translate. The main characters are supposed to be around the age of thirty, but the book reads more like a YA. Unfortunately, erratic pacing makes the reader struggle at times, with needless everyday life details bogging down the transitions. The faith aspect of the story feels disconnected rather than natural, and if not for Zoë’s perspective being told in first person and Curt’s in third person limited, the characters’ voices would sound too similar for comfort. In addition, this reviewer personally found both of the main characters difficult to relate to or sympathize with.

Sarah: Oof.

Amanda: >> The hero is a shallow, selfish jerk just starting to realize the error of his ways, and the heroine comes across as a bitter, needy, and more than a little daft throughout.

Sarah: Yikes!

Amanda: Oof!

Sarah: Ooh, goodness! Okay! And you know what? If, if more of the reviews were like this, I would be very into it, because this is telling me –

Amanda: This is good!

Sarah: This is a good review!

Amanda: This is a good one!

Sarah: I mean, not good for the book – [laughs] – but good for us. This is, this tells you a lot, and that’s really, really interesting. Okay, Angela.

Amanda: And the, yeah, the summary:

>> Zoë Rossdale is the clumsy girl who always has her elbows, feet, eyes, and hair going in all the wrong directions.

Sarah: Nooo!

Amanda: [Laughs]

>> She floats around in her own world, her obliviousness constantly getting her into trouble. After –

Sarah: So she’s got ADHD! Leave her alone!

Amanda: [Laughs]

>> After a lifetime of being evaluated critically and found wanting –

Sarah: Awww.

Amanda: >> – she’s trying to change for her own good. A well-intentioned makeover has her feeling more awkward than ever until she literally runs into the only man she’s ever loved. Curt Bertoletti –

Yep, there we go.

>> – spent years trying to forget Zoë and her embarrassing ways, but this new Zoë looks so little like the girl he remembers. He can’t help remembering how well they once fit together in all their strangeness.

Sarah: Huh?

Amanda: >> Now that he finally knows what he wants in life and his faith, he’s convinced Zoë Rossdale is not it. So why can’t he forget her? Zoë will always be Zoë, but can they both live with that fact forever?

Sarah: What’s wrong with her?

Amanda: But judging by the, when she’s like elbows, feet, eyes, and hair going in all the wrong directions, I thought, like, she’s built like a Picasso painting?

Sarah: [Laughs] Or she’s Betty –

Amanda: Just, like –

Sarah: – Spaghetty.

Amanda: Betty Spaghetty. Yeah.

Sarah: What’s wrong with this, this poor girl? She sounds like she’s got ADHD, maybe a little autism, she’s awkward. Fine, there’s room!

Amanda: But it seems like Curt is also a little weird, ‘cause he’s like, they fit together in all their strangeness! And now, now you’re too good, Curt?

Sarah: Mm-hmm.

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: That’s a, that’s a weird one. So I looked up whiskeycreekpress.com. That dot com is coming soon. This domain is managed –

Amanda: Okay.

Sarah: – at namebright.com. But I did find a Facebook page that still has –

Amanda: Mmm!

Sarah: – 2.4 thousand followers. Their last post appears to have been April 21st, 2017. So we’re coming up on ten years since they did things.

Amanda: Okay.

Sarah: Looking through their Facebook posts, there is a lot of Scriptina and stock image photography.

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: And then on Absolute Write and Writer Beware, people have negative things to say about them, including that they have a habit of paying, having the author pay for the setup, the, the setup fee for print on demand. So making the author pay –

Amanda: Ooh.

Sarah: – the setup fee for print on demand services, which sounds like a vanity press and not an actual publisher.

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: But I haven’t seen anything else since then.

Amanda: Okay!

Sarah: So.

Amanda: And which one did you pick? I think you picked the one right next to mine!

Sarah: I sure did! Another two-star. This is from rivervalleypublishing.com, download for $2.99. Mainstream fiction, Broken Identity by Sarah Jae Foster, two stars.

>> The spiritual growth of the heroine and the discovery of her own relationship with God is nicely presented. Her husband expresses a wimpy kind of controlling personality, and the sudden switch from the heroine’s point of view to his without resolving her actions is disconcerting. The ending is disappointing when the story threads are left dangling and reality is ignored.

Amanda: Not a dangling thread!

Sarah: Okay. So the problem here is apparently what doesn’t happen, which is that there’s no end to some of the storylines, I guess. All right, so here’s the summary:

>> Married for thirteen years with two children, Mona Anderson loves her husband, but six months prior, she betrayed him. Now she has come to the point where she cannot live with the secret anymore. She struggles with the memories of the job she took at the bookstore, where things were going well until she met Jason, a young soldier stationed at the nearby base. With the encouragement of a young coworker, Mona updated her appearance and became involved in a platonic but secret relationship with Jason. Months later, her time of revelation may never come after an accident leaves her fearing for her husband’s life.

Amanda: Okay, so she’s not supposed to have a male friend?

Sarah: I mean, it sounds like what the –

Amanda: Is that the issue?

Sarah: It, it sounds like what they’re trying to describe here is emotional infidelity, but it doesn’t become, it’s not clear that that’s what this is, and also, if the threads are left dangling and reality is ignored, do they’re just, do they just go, like, shrug and go home? Like –

Amanda: I guess!

Sarah: I guess? Who knows? But, like, listen, if you have a secret and you had a, you had a fling, you don’t have to tell anybody. [Laughs] Especially if you’re in a – if you – okay, if you are a heroine in an Inspirational romance and you have a secret, my best advice is not to say anything ‘cause it will end badly for you, because this genre particularly loves to make examples of women who “sin.” So if you –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – have a secret and you are, you find yourself as an Inspirational romance hero, you just keep that to yourself. That’s my advice.

Amanda: That feels like a really cool book idea where, like, a, an everyday person –

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: – finds themselves sucked into an Inspirational novel –

Sarah: Is this like all the books where –

Amanda: – or an Inspirational romance.

Sarah: Yes – all the books like where there’s a tradwife, but she wakes up in the past? There’s a couple of those –

Amanda: Yeah!

Sarah: – like, sending a tradwife back to like, you know, the 1800s where you –

Amanda: But this is just like a normal person –

Sarah: This, a normal person.

Amanda: – and now they’re suddenly in an Inspie.

Sarah: But, like, what’s your first clue? Does the sky always have, like, those beams of sunlight coming through the clouds that all the Inspirational photographers like?

Amanda: The hero is wearing all denim.

Sarah: [Laughs] Signs you are in an Inspirational romance.

Amanda: [Laughs] That’s my clue!

Sarah: What are they?

Amanda: Just denim on denim on denim.

Sarah: And a cowboy hat.

Amanda: A big old belt buckle.

Sarah: Wounded and probably emotionally immature. Yeah.

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: Willing to offload all of the emotional processing onto his partner, ready for that. She’s ready to receive it. Yeah.

Amanda: And no cursing. I bet he says, like –

Sarah: No cursing.

Amanda: – heck and darn. Is even –

Sarah: Darn is too close to damn.

Amanda: Is heck and darn too, too much?

Sarah: I have, I have some indication that yes, heck –

Amanda: What, okay.

Sarah: – darn.

Amanda: So if you start saying Oh fudge, then I know.

Sarah: Yep. Sheesh is okay.

Amanda: Sheesh is okay.

Sarah: But I’ll explain why I know this in the next episode. I’m so evil.

Amanda: Oh boy. Okay.

Sarah: Moving on to Science Fiction and Fantasy, what did you pick?

Amanda: So I picked 63 of the PDF, 61 of the magazine.

Sarah: [Laughs] Oh my God!

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: Oh my God! There’s an ad on this cover and it’s got, this page, and it’s creeping me the fuck out! Ho jeez!

Amanda: Is it the alien? Yeah.

Sarah: Yes, it’s an alien – okay. Oh, it’s an alien head with two people from the ‘80s looking out through the alien’s eyes, and a macaw is just perched, a bird –

Amanda: Yeah!

Sarah: – is just perched on the alien’s – [laughs] – head. What is this?

Amanda: Yeah. The bird is clearly communicating with the alien.

Sarah: Okay, cool!

Amanda: But I picked an anthology, ‘cause I think – I probably won’t read this one, but I think it might be of interest to the audience?

Sarah: Oh yes.

Amanda: It’s called Elemental Magic, and Mercedes Lackey was the editor for this anthology, and it’s three stars.

>> Thanks to settings that range from the shores of Hawaii to the rocky mountains of Colorado, this anthology infuses a new spirit into a fantasy genre too often confined to medieval Europe.

Sarah: I’m listening!

Amanda: >> The contributors also write only in time periods before 1919, which allows the stories to feel permeated by an otherworldliness that enhances the stories’ fire, air, earth, and water magic. Though the characters are well written, like air mage/haberdasher Miriam in Lackey’s piece –

Sarah: Hell yeah.

Amanda: >> – and the worlds are well developed, especially that of the Hawaii-based Makana, most of the plots feel weak, without a sense of real conflict.

I mean, that’s kind of the trade-off with an anthology, in my opinion.

Sarah: Yes. It’s get in and get out, ‘cause there’s, there’s not a lot of room there.

Amanda: Yeah. The summary:

>> Lackey opens up her Edwardian Elemental Masters world to other authors in this fifteen-story anthology. Each story follows a protagonist who has an affinity for one of the four elements and must learn to hone that magic power in order to solve a problem in their very different worlds, brought alive by magical creatures like mermaids, crystal golems, and talking frogs. Despite their naturally enhanced abilities, the mages run into the barriers of their own cultures and society, especially restrictions of gender and class.

Sarah: Oh!

Amanda: Yeah!

Sarah: Interesting!

Amanda: I think the fact that they were focusing on settings outside of ones that feel like medieval Europe? Pretty solid idea.

Sarah: That’s very cool. I’m still creeped out by that alien, though; I gotta –

Amanda: We can move past it.

Sarah: Yeah, I gotta.

Amanda: Which one did you pick – [laughs] – Sarah?

Sarah: Let’s, let’s get away from that.

I picked, on page 60, a book that – okay, I read the review, and I was like, What? And then I read the summary and I said, What? And so I looked it up on Amazon, and I still said, What is this book about? And it took me digging through Goodreads reviews to find out the fucking plot. Okay, so –

Amanda: Okay.

Sarah: – come on this journey with me. See if you can figure out the plot.

Amanda: I’m strapped in and ready.

Sarah: All right. This is Fantasy, The Folly of the World by Jesse Bullington, four and a half stars.

>> It is likely you have never read a book like this one. Bullington takes inspiration from a 16th-century painting and the Flemish proverbs therein to spin a wildly fantastical tale that will keep you guessing at every turn. The language here is lyrical, bawdy, and constantly challenging. The voices and characters are unique and solid and also somehow ephemeral, flitting from here to there and back again as they will. This book and its distinctive characters will charm you.

Amanda: Okay?

Sarah: Okay. I have a small amount of information here, but I don’t have much. So here’s a summary:

>> In 1421, the North Sea floods Holland, forever changing the known world. The watery disaster brings a variety of challenges for a deranged thug, a con man, and a half-feral girl. If they can quiet their own desires, anger, and lust, they might profit beyond their wildest dreams. If they cannot, they will surely be destroyed. Those who were taken by the flood waters alone would be sure-, would surely be thankful for such a mercy.

Okay? I still don’t know what this book is about.

Amanda: Okay.

Sarah: So I go to Goodreads! Here’s the plot summary here:

>> On a stormy night in 1421, the North Sea delivers a devastating blow to Holland, the Saint Elizabeth flood, a deluge of biblical proportions that drowns hundreds of towns, thousands of people, and forever alters the geography of the Low Countries. Where the factions of the noble Hooks and the merchant Cods waged a literal class war but weeks before, there is now only a nigh-endless expanse of gray water, a desolate inland sea with moldering church spires jutting up like sunken tombstones. For a land already beleaguered by generations of civil war, a worse disaster could scarce be imagined. Yet even disaster can be profitable for the right sort of individual, and into this flooded realm sail three conspirators, a deranged thug at the edge, edge of madness, a ruthless con man on the cusp of fortune, and a half-feral girl balanced between them. With The Folly of the World, Jesse Bullington has woven an extraordinary new tale of the depraved and the desperate.

Okay. So –

Amanda: I still don’t know.

Sarah: We still don’t know. So I’m going to, I’m going to solve it, but I just want to read one review first. One star from James:

>> This book had potential, but I bailed on it around page 100. Jesse Bullington is a talented writer, but this book simply grossed me out, and I don’t gross out easily.

Amanda: [Laughs] This guy was like, Yuck!

Sarah: I know, right? Another three-star review call, calls it “charming, vulgar nonsense.” And I would just like to announce that that is my new slogan for me. And I need to find – oh, Justin, that’s who I’m looking for; not Jason, Justin. Okay, so here we go. Are you ready to understand what’s happening?

Amanda: I’m going to try.

Sarah: Do you have any idea what the plot of this book could possibly be?

Amanda: No.

Sarah: All right. Somebody who’s read it is like, No, no, no, don’t read the plot. Okay.

>> In a flooded 15th-century Holland, there are very few opportunities available. Jan may have an amazing opportunity at a life full of riches, but it’s hidden somewhere at the bottom of a flooded town. To reach his greedy goal in the dark, moldy depths, Jan enlists the help of a wild young girl with a knack for swimming. Add Jan’s slightly psychotic, but ever faithful partner Sander into the mix and you have yourself a watery adventure with a cast to remember.

So there’s money in the water, and he needs this girl to go, go and get it. Like, is that the plot of this book? That is the most information –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – I have. Also, and apparently also it’s gross.

Amanda: I’m sure there’s probably, like, bloated dead bodies in the water.

Sarah: Yeah.

Amanda: That’s my guess is the grossness.

Sarah: Justin does say that it is violent and disturbed, but the backstory explains why they turned out this way. Now, I am not going to be able to read this. This is not for Sarahs –

Amanda: This is not a book for Sarahs, yeah.

Sarah: – but if you have read this, I want to know if you could tell me what the – [laughs] – hell happens in this book, ‘cause I had to keep going before somebody would just tell me the stupid plot!

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: What is the plot?! I need to know! It’s a book! Argh!

So – [laughs] – moving on to Romantic Suspense.

Amanda: We picked the same one!

Sarah: We sure did! Surpriiise! All right, so you want to read the review and I’ll read the summary and we can discuss?

Amanda: Sure.

Sarah: Okay.

Amanda: So it’s on 67 of the PDF. It’s an e-book. The title is Undercover by Maria Hammarblad, two stars, Mild.

Sarah: From desertbreezepublishing.com.

Amanda: When I picked this one –

Sarah: …lot of that.

Amanda: – I put in parentheses “Yeesh.” So that’s – [laughs] – that’s where we’re going with this. The review:

>> For a book about a killer spy, Undercover is pretty boring. The vast majority of the book consists of domestic scenes between a happily married couple, one of whom happens to be a reluctant spy. Even the moments that could be exciting and give insight to his world take place out of the reader’s sight. Additionally, the Russian villains seem like a dated and not particularly believable conceit at this point. The last time Russians, the last time Russians seemed threatening, was before the fall of the Soviet Union.

Sarah: [Laughs] Listen, I have some things to tell you.

Amanda: And that’s why I was like, Ooh, boy!

Sarah: Yikes! Like I said, everything old is new again.

Amanda: [Exasperated sigh]

Sarah: Okay. So there’s something really kind of interesting about this. So here’s the summary. Tell me what you think this sounds like – or half of it.

>> Jenny is living an uneventful life as a single woman working in customer service at a steel company until a handsome Russian client comes into the office. The two feel an immediate connection, and Alex Roshenko almost immediately moves to the US and marries Jenny.

[Whispers] That’s a red flag.

>> Then she finds out he’s actually a spy who carries out violent missions for the Russian equivalent of the CIA.

Also a red flag.

>> Alex wants to quit, but his superiors make it clear that’s not going to happen unless he completes one last task for them that involves Jenny.

Okay, this sounds kind of like The Americans.

Amanda: I’ve never seen it.

Sarah: But you know what I’m talking about, right?

Amanda: The show?

Sarah: Yeah.

Amanda: Is that the one with Keri Russell?

Sarah: Yes, where they’re both Russian spies. They’re undercover as Russian spies living as an American family.

Amanda: Okay.

Sarah: Okay, so two things: number one, that show is based on a real couple, and they lived about a half a mile from me. They lived down the hill from me in Montclair.

Amanda: Ooh!

Sarah: So when they were arrested, everyone was gone from the house, and everyone found out that they were spies. So that happened in the town I used to live in. But also, this sounds a lot like The Americans, right? So this is December 2012, and I looked up, The Americans did not premiere until January 30th, 2013.

Amanda: Hmmm!

Sarah: So she predated like half of the plot of The Americans by a couple of months. I think that’s kind of cool. I wonder what was sort of in the culture that led to two semi-similar stories like that happening at the same time.

Amanda: This also made me think of – and it’s not like this plot at all, but one of the movies that I’ve enjoyed previously and started my crush on Geena Davis is The Long Kiss Goodnight? Where she’s –

Sarah: I love that movie.

Amanda: Wasn’t it so – like, the opening scene where she’s like, she has no memory of her life before, and so –

Sarah: Yes.

Amanda: – she’s, like, chopping vegetables, and she has all these, like, knife tricks that she starts doing?

Sarah: Yep.

Amanda: Such a good movie.

Sarah: And she looks at her family –

Amanda: And then –

Sarah: – she’s like, Oh! I was a chef! No.

Amanda: Yeah! [Laughs]

Sarah: No.

Amanda: Yeah. And then she becomes her super-spy self and, like, dyes her hair peroxide blonde.

Sarah: Speaking of Geena Davis and Last Kiss Goodnight, let’s talk about Mysteries and Suspenses and Thrillers!

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: That movie –

Amanda: A lot of –

Sarah: – was so good.

Amanda: – punny cozy mysteries, I feel like in this one.

Sarah: Oh, so many posy, cunny – like, there’s What the Cat Saw; If Hooks Could Kill; Book, Line, and Sinker.

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: Yeah. So what did you pick?

Amanda: I picked, on page 72 of the magazine, Mystery, Amateur Sleuth, Series, Beeline to Trouble by Hannah Reed, three stars.

Sarah: Okay, I’m glad you picked this one. This is so cute. I bet –

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: – this involves people who have beehives.

Amanda: >> The beekeeping information in this novel is quite interesting, and information about place names and tidbits about the Wisconsin setting bring the reader fully into the world. But the information is in list format rather than in the main text, which breaks up the novel.

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: Yep, just a bunch of lists of fucking facts in the middle of this book?

Sarah: I feel so bad for the typesetter who’s like, Oh, God damn it.

[Laughter]

Amanda: There’s just a list. I wonder if we can see it on, like, a sample or something –

Sarah: Ooh!

Amanda: – if we try to read it online.

Sarah: All right, you keep going. I’ll see what I can find.

Amanda: Okay.

>> Story –

Let me – so Story is the main character, just as an FYI.

Sarah: Wait, so her name is Story.

Amanda: Her name is Story, yeah.

Sarah: Story, okay!

Amanda: >> Story is a strong character, and her antagonism with the police chief provides a convincing motive for why the man would so quickly suspect her of murder.

And that’s it. That’s – [laughs] – that’s the summary, or that’s the review. And then the summary:

>> Beekeeper and shop owner Story Fischer agrees to help her flighty sister cook for three arrogant house guests who work for her sister’s husband.

Sarah: What?

Amanda: >> When one of –

Yeah, I know. I’d be like, No, bitch, sorry!

>> When one of the guests drops dead during a tour of Story’s honey house, she’s in for a lot more than extra cooking. The cause of death is determined to be poisoning, and Story becomes a suspect. Hunter Wallace, Story’s police officer boyfriend, doesn’t approve of her involvement in the case, but she is determined to get the truth.

Sarah: Wow. Okay! Okay, so Story is one thing.

Amanda: Mm-hmm.

Sarah: I just need you to know, I did open a sample of the book. Beeline to Trouble –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – is available on Kindle, and chapter two starts with:

>> Holly and Max live in a small, exclusive community called Chenequa (pronounced “Sha-ni-qua”) about five miles from our hometown of Moraine. Wisconsin has a reputation for its tongue-twisting burgs. Some fun ones, those that tourists really mess up are –

And the following is a bullet-point list:

>> Oconomowoc, Waukesha, Menomonee Falls, Mukwonago, Ashwaubenon, and Kaukauna

These are all indigenous names, you fuckwit. They’re not, like, tongue-twisting, they are, they are indigenous languages. Oh, for crying out loud. Like, if you can say Schuylkill and Chautauqua, you could say any of this. For God’s sake.

Amanda: Oh boy.

Sarah: That’s annoying. That’s just –

Amanda: Okay. Which one did you pick? [Laughs]

Sarah: I picked one called Killer Librarian, and I picked it because it’s called Killer Librarian.

Amanda: Yeah. Makes – I get it.

Sarah: I mean, how, how else – [laughs] – can I explain my, my, my inclinations here? Three Stars, by Mary Lou Kirwin, Killer Librarian.

>> This cozy combines romance, travel, and mystery. Two mysteries in fact, and the book would have been stronger if it had centered on one. While the mysteries are weak, the romance is touching and the setting good.

So that’s two sentences. We’re missing a sentence, because it has three stars.

>> Just before she’s set to go on her dream vacation to England with the love of her life, Dave, Minnesota librarian Karen Nash gets dumped. All she can think about is killing him. But she just goes to England without him. Then she sees him on the plane with a new young woman. In England, she meets the charming owner and bibliophile of the B & B she’s staying in. A hasty drunken word in a pub leaves Karen wondering if she has sent a dangerous man to punish Dave. When another guest at the B & B is found dead, it is supposedly an accident, but Karen suspects otherwise.

What is he doing –

Amanda: Look –

Sarah: – on the plane?

Amanda: Also –

Sarah: I mean –

Amanda: – none of your business if someone decides to kill Dave.

Sarah: You know what, if someone decides to kill Dave, I mean, okay! Fine! I mean –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – look, you, you didn’t pay them, and he dumped you and then took a younger woman to England and, and stayed on the same flight, which, come on, bro. At least switch –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – switch your flight. Yeah, Killer Librarian. I’m guessing that she doesn’t actually kill anybody, but I kind of hope, like in my soul, that it’s revealed at the end of the book that she was like, Yeah, I totally offed that guy.

Amanda: She got a, a taste for human flesh, and now –

Sarah: That’s right! She’s the Killer Librarian.

Amanda: – she will not be stopped.

Sarah: She is a Killer Librarian with a taste for human flesh. I’d actually read that. [Laughs]

What did you pay – oh God, I just read what you picked in Contemporary! [Laughs]

Amanda: Yeah. [Laughs]

Sarah: Wow, this is an Amanda title!

Amanda: Just a Cowboy and His Baby!

[Laughter]

Sarah: I don’t know why that’s tickling so much, but that is a very Amanda title. Ah, it’s Just a Cowboy and His Baby.

Amanda: Just a Cowboy and His Baby –

Sarah: Yeah, it happens!

Amanda: – by Carolyn Brown.

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: The cover is on the same page. Is the lady the baby?

Sarah: You know, maybe? I will say – and I, and we’ll talk more about this in the ads and features – this is an era where all of the women on the cover are wearing tank tops. It is nothing but tank tops and women in these covers, and she is wearing a purple tank top.

Amanda: Yeah, and she’s got a big old white cowboy hat.

Sarah: And, yes, and very pale skin.

Amanda: She’s, like, bonking him in the head.

Sarah: Yeah, she’s hitting him in the head with that, with that cowboy hat. And also, it looks like they’re –

Amanda: I hope she puts sunscreen on.

Sarah: She’s very fair, she, and she’s got red hair. She needs to be wearing sunscreen.

Amanda: Yeah. Anyway, Just a Cowboy and His Baby by Carolyn Brown. Two stars, Hot.

>> In Brown’s latest in the Spikes & Spurs series, both the hero and heroine are professional bronc riders, but we’re given only the slightest glimpse into the heart-pounding excitement of the sport.

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: >> Instead, there are endless internal monologues about how hot the hero/heroine is, along with pointless exposition, tepid sex scenes, and –

Sarah: Nooo!

Amanda: >> – an inexplicable seventy-five-page detour through a dude ranch for disadvantaged kids, and the appearance of a baby ex machina, the result of our rodeo Romeo’s adventures with the type of conveniently heartless, child-hating woman who exists only in melodrama.

Sarah: [Sad trombone noises]

Amanda: >> It’s too bad.

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: >> Brown is a talented writer with real heart.

Sarah: Okay.

Amanda: That was one long-ass sentence. Is this still only two sentences long?

Sarah: One, two –

Amanda: Three –

Sarah: – three –

Together: – four.

Amanda: Dang.

Sarah: Okay. That’s so funny, that sentence just kept going! [Laughs]

Amanda: Yeah. A seventy-five-page detour through a dude ranch for disadvantaged kids and the appearance of a baby ex machina.

Sarah: Oh. My. Gosh.

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: That is one sentence. Okay!

Amanda: Okay, summary:

>> Gemma O’Donnell and Trace Coleman are after the same thing, the ProRodeo bronc riding championship.

Okay, now if memory serves, and maybe I’m right or wrong, I thought there were women and men’s divisions. So, like, a woman and a man couldn’t won, win the same title. But maybe – it’s been a while.

>> Gemma’s determined to prove she can compete with the big boys, and Trace needs the money to buy a ranch. Their mutual attraction –

Sarah: Okay. [Laughs] Ego and, versus ranch, man. Ego –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – versus ranch! This is a tale as old as time!

Amanda: >> Their mutual attraction is a powerful distraction they can’t afford or resist –

Yeah, or resist.

>> – so they agree to a competitors-with-benefits arrangement that quickly grows into something more.

Sarah: I mean, boning each other is better than sabotaging each other, right?

Amanda: Okay, but there is an actual baby in the story. So –

Sarah: Well, it’s a baby ex machina; it shows up at the end.

Amanda: Yeah, so then – I assumed the baby on the cover is the heroine. The heroine is his baby –

Sarah: You know?

Amanda: – but no, there is an actual baby.

Sarah: Whose baby?

Amanda: Who – the age-old question. Schrödinger’s baby.

Sarah: Whence comes this baby?

Amanda: [Sighs]

Sarah: Also, can you just look at the book that is also on this page? Look at the publisher for the book that is being reviewed on the same page for this, for Just a Cowboy and His Baby.

Amanda: Uhhh, Sourcebooks?

Sarah: Nonono, the book before –

Amanda: Oh wait.

Sarah: – just above Just a Cowboy and His Baby. What is, what is this, what is this publisher?

Amanda: Okay, so the, the author’s name is Liz, so it looks like it’s TaoOfLiz.blogspot.com?

Sarah: The Tao of Liz – oh my God, and it’s still there. The Tao, Tao – but if you read it, it’s – okay, you figured out what the words were. I thought it says Toof-Liz.

Amanda: It’s Tay-oof-Liz!

Sarah: I thought it was Toof-Liz! Like, what is this? But yeah, that, she’s still in business. I mean, well, her last post was October 2019.

Amanda: She’s doing business.

Sarah: I don’t know.

Amanda: Does yours feature any cowboys or babies? Your pick.

Sarah: No.

Amanda: Okay.

Sarah: My pick is just the degree to which they phone it in here. PDF page 77, page 75 of the magazine, Any Way You Want It by Maureen Smith, four and a half stars, Scorcher, multicultural (which means Black people). And the cover is right above it, and this is the era of the magazine where most of the interior is in color, so you get all the cover pictures. This is kind of a hot cover.

Amanda: Well, I want to know if she’s wearing some hosiery, because her legs are a different shade than the top half of her body.

Sarah: Hmm, that’s a good question! That dress is great, though.

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: She’s got a blue strapless dress, and she’s kind of pulling it up, like up, up, up, and of course he has, he is shirtless and has no head. No heroes – okay, I will say very few heroes in this magazine have, still have their heads; they’re all headless. But you can sort of see part of her face, and she has this long fall of brown hair. It’s, it’s kind of a hot cover. So. Are you ready for the review?

Amanda: Yes.

Sarah: Pick up the phone, ‘cause we’re phoning it in.

Amanda: [Snorts]

Sarah: >> The return of the Brand clan from Whatever You Like reintroduces a family that is as enticing and raucous as it gets. These folks are smart, loving, and just plain fun. Enjoy!

What? That’s it?

Amanda: Enjoy!

Sarah: That’s it. Are they unwilling to critique books written by people of color? Are they just sort of like, Here, we mentioned you; here’s some word salad; okay, thanks, bye? There’s like no engagement; it’s very weird.

>> Zandra and Remy have known each other forever, and Remy knows one thing for sure: Zandra is his soulmate, but convincing her is another story.

Okay, so time out. That’s not your call, my guy, Mr. Red Flag. Like, convincing her that she’s your soulmate? Nonononono.

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: >> As the owner for –

Ooh, ooh, ooh!

>> As the owner of Elite For You Companions, Zandra finds herself defending her escort service against the gossip that it’s just a high-end call girl operation.

I thought that was what an escort service is? Maybe I’m wrong.

>> Then her estranged father wants her to move her business out of town when he decides to run for mayor. When Zandra decides to follow her heart and engage in an affair to remember, Remy is determined to make it permanent. But when the political shenanigans explode around them, the fallout is fast, and Zandra is furious.

Okay, this is many crappy men. And I want –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: I want Zandra –

Amanda: They’re all bad!

Sarah: – to take that hot dress, I want Zandra to take her hot blue dress and just go somewhere else, because this is all, this is all, we don’t want any of this.

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: We don’t need any of this. This is, this is just not okay. There’s a lot of reviews in this episode, or in this issue, y’all.

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: Moving on to Paranormal.

Amanda: And I said, What a time to be alive.

Sarah: There are so many.

Amanda: We got Ilona Andrews.

Sarah: Yep.

Amanda: We got Cynthia Eden.

Sarah: Yep.

Amanda: We got Donna Grant.

Sarah: Yep.

Amanda: We got Sandra Hill.

Sarah: Oh yeah.

Amanda: We got Kerrelyn Sparks.

Sarah: Oh yeah!

Amanda: We got Christine Warren. We got all the movers and shakers. [Laughs]

Sarah: We got Erin McCarthy, Moira Rogers, Kerrelyn Sparks, Alyssa Day, and Dakota Cassidy. We got names, y’all. This is, this, this was when paranormal was hopping.

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: And there was so many of it, the next section is Urban Fantasy. They’re not mixing them up anymore; they got their own section.

Amanda: So I picked Kiss of Surrender by Sandra Hill –

Sarah: Of, of, of blessed memory.

Amanda: – 92.

Sarah: May she rest. May she rest.

Amanda: Dedicated to Sandra Hill. So this, to refresh everyone, is her Viking Vampire Navy SEAL Angel books.

Sarah: Which we call the VVangels.

Amanda: VVangels, okay?

Sarah: Yes.

Amanda: So that’s, that’s all the primer you’re getting.

Sarah: [Laughs] That’s all the information you get: none!

Amanda: That’s kind of all you need.

Sarah: I mean, it’s about vam-, Viking vampire immortal Navy SEALs. Okay! That’s all you need to know!

Amanda: Yeah. It reminds me of like a, like a Potato Head, where you just, like, stick the pieces on –

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: – and she’s like, I’ll take one from here and stick the ones in there. So we’ve got four stars and a Hot rating.

>> The second book in Hill’s Deadly Angels series is brimming with pulse-pounding excitement. Hill’s usual humor is apparent throughout the entire book. A Viking that is over a thousand years old in SEAL training is particularly comical, and the heat between the main characters sizzles right off the page.

Summary:

>> Trond –

That’s his name.

>> Trond Sigurdsson is in Navy SEAL training, even though he is a one-thousand-year-old Vangel.

Yes –

Sarah: But we already know that! You just said that!

Amanda: – Vangel in the text. [Laughs] Capital V, a-n-g-e-l.

>> A Vang- –

Oh, we’ll explain it.

>> A Vangel is a Viking vampire angel –

[Laughter]

Sarah: You know that GIF of this person just, like, explaining so earnestly? A Vangel’s a Viking vampire angel! You don’t understand! Oh boy.

Amanda: Okay. Well.

>> – and they’re created to serve penance for having committed one of the deadly sins.

So there’s seven, naturally.

>> One of only seven. Trond’s job is to make sure demons do not prey on humans. Lieutenant Nicole Tasso is a WEAL, a female version of the SEALs, and a constant thorn in Trond’s side.

Sarah: [Laughs] I’m sorry. This is…

Amanda: What’s the acronym for SEAL?

Sarah: Why is it WEAL, W-E-A-L? Is that real?

Amanda: What is the SEAL acronym? What is it?

Sarah: Oh my gosh!

Amanda: Okay, so the SEAL acronym is Sea, Air, and Land?

Sarah: Mm-hmm.

Amanda: So is a, a WEAL a woman on the sea, air, and land? [Laughs] Like –

Sarah: A female version of a SEAL? [Laughs] Is a WEAL! Oh my gosh!

Amanda: So I put in WEAL acronym, and nothing comes up, and Google’s like, Don’t you mean SEAL? [Laughs] Yeah!

Sarah: Wait, oh, okay. Sure! [Laughs]

Amanda: Well –

Sarah: Wow!

Amanda: It’s like the – but why wouldn’t it be like W-S-E-A-L? Like the WNBA versus NBA.

Sarah: Or just make her a SEAL, ‘cause doing SEAL training, and SEAL is –

Amanda: No, no, no, Sarah, you can’t do that.

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: SEAL is –

Sarah: Of course, what was I thinking?

Amanda: SEAL is for men only!

Sarah: It’s just for the men! Silly rabbit, women are WEALs!

Amanda: It’s man only. Ugh. Okay.

>> Lieutenant Nicole Tasso is a WEAL –

[Laughs]

Sarah: Try to keep it together.

Amanda: >> – a female version of the SEALs –

Sarah: Yes. [Laughs]

Amanda: >> – and a constant thorn in Trond’s side.

A, a WEAL big thorn.

Sarah: [Laughs] Ohhh, boo! I’m so proud.

[Laughter]

Sarah: I’m so proud of you! A WEAL big thorn. Ohhh, nooo!

Amanda: Oh God, I’m so red!

Sarah: [Still laughing] Wow, what a time to be alive indeed. Holy crap.

Amanda: Oh my God, her nickname is Sassy Tassy.

Sarah: Nooo! No, it’s not. No, it is not. It is, no.

Amanda: Yeah, ‘cause the next line:

>> Sassy Tassy is always in his way trying to find out what he’s hiding.

[Laughs]

>> When Trond and Nicole are put on a mission that includes Nicole having to pose as a member of a terrorist harem –

Yikes.

Sarah: No! Oh, Sandra, no. Sandra, nononono.

Amanda: Ugh.

>> – their chemistry ignites! Will they be able to stop the evil demons from joining with the terrorists, or will their passion –

Sarah: Oh God.

Amanda: >> – compromise the mission?

Sarah: So the two choices at the end here are stop the demons from joining with the terrorists or bone all the time –

Amanda: Bone? [Laughs]

Sarah: – and just let it go. [Laughs] It’d just be like, You guys work this out; we have to go. We’ve got to go to the bone zone.

[Laughter]

Sarah: So, setting aside Sassy Tassy and the WEALs –

Amanda: Whoo.

Sarah: – which sounds like a band – I don’t know why it just occurred to me now after so many years of talking about the immortal Viking vampire angels –

Amanda: Yeah!

Sarah: – but Vikings had Norse mythology. I don’t believe they had seven deadly sins. I believe that is a function of Christianity, so why are these Viking – but okay, they’re also angels! So is this a period of, like, are these creatures who have converted to Christianity? Like, they started out as Vikings and then, like, the world changed, so they were like, Oh, guess we’re Christian too, but now they’re in trouble ‘cause they, they – but if they were, if they were following the Norse gods, they had –

Amanda: Sarah, I need you to stop. There’s – nope!

Sarah: – [laughs] – had their own problems!

Amanda: You’re just –

Sarah: Oh my God! Listen –

Amanda: You’re just –

Sarah: – if you want to really engage with some funky shit and Norse mythology, just read the Call of Crows trilogy; you’ll be fine.

Amanda: So you know, you know, like –

Sarah: WEALs!

Amanda: – the whole ketamine thing is like called, like, going into a K-hole?

Sarah: Yes, yes, going into a K-hole.

Amanda: So you just went into a Hill-hole, essentially.

Sarah: Oh!

[Laughter]

Sarah: That’s not where you want to be. No, no, no!

Amanda: You’re just spiraling into a Hill-hole.

Sarah: No. Listen, this is what Sandra Hill does. The reality, makes you question reality.

Amanda: Okay.

Sarah: So yeah, I, I should climb out of this Hill-hole and move on to the book that I chose, which is on PDF page 90, The Accidental Genie by Dakota Cassidy.

Amanda: How does that happen?

Sarah: I know – we’re going to find out!

Amanda: Okay.

Sarah: Four stars, Hot.

>> The OOPS team faces –

And it is O-O-P-S, Oops!

>> The OOPS team –

[Laughs]

Amanda: Jesus.

Sarah: I wonder if they’re related to the WEALs. No, no, no, WEALs and OOPS cannot match, cannot mix.

Amanda: WEALs and OOPS.

Sarah: >> The OOPS! team –

I can’t read it any other way, folks; I’m really sorry.

Amanda: What does the OOPS even stand for? Do we even get to find out?

Sarah: No, it’s just OOPS. Oh no.

Amanda: Okay.

Sarah: >> The OOPS! team faces a peculiar problem in the newest wisecracking and wacky novel from the always delightful Cassidy. The dialogue is fast and furious, the characters are offbeat, and the situation’s bizarre, but Cassidy pulls it all together for another laugh-filled adventure.

Dakota Cassidy is also from the very zany branch of romance, and she was a mainstay at the convention, too. Summary:

>> With the OOPS! Team, Wanda, Nina, and Marty, on a shopping trip, Marty’s werewolf brother-in-law Sloan Fla-, Flair- –

Oh my gosh, I’m already losing it. [Laughs]

>> – Marty’s werewolf brother-in-law Sloan Flaherty has been forced to man their phone helpline. His boredom is alleviated when he gets a call from a woman claiming to be stuck in a bottle. When a client asked her to open an old bottle of gin, caterer Jeannie Carlyle became trapped inside wearing horrendous harem pants. Slo- –

[Laughs]

>> – Sloan locates the bottle and rubs it – [rubbing sound effects] – freeing Jeannie, only now she feels compelled to call him master. The OOPS! team has their hands full this time, and unfortunately their knowledge of the djinn is zero. They had better figure it out quickly before Jeannie’s inadvertent wish-granting gets them into some real trouble.

Okay! Yep, sure, absolutely! And this was published by Berkley; it was fifteen dollars. So that was a –

Amanda: Real big OOPS, for sure.

Sarah: – that was a, that was a trade, fifteen dollars. My goodness!

Amanda: Ugh.

Sarah: [Laughs] OOPS! WEALs. Oh boy.

Now, you passed on urban fantasy.

Amanda: Yeah, there’s just, like, a lot of the urban fantasy are series, like continuations, which I –

Sarah: Yes.

Amanda: – firmly believe are really boring reviews.

Sarah: Yeah.

Amanda: And there’s not a ton here. So yeah, I, I passed on this section.

Sarah: I picked Lust for Life by Jeri Smith-Ready. I picked it partially because the cover is on the page; yet again, we have a heroine in a tank top. That tank top has seen better days, but she’s got a big old spake, spike. Stick? Spike.

Amanda: And she’s got pants! She’s wearing pants.

Sarah: She’s got, she’s wearing reg-lee-ar pants by the way, as my, as my kids used to say. These are reg-lee-ar pants. They’re not the leather pants that squeak and are completely impractical for your urban fantasy adventuring, but everyone wears them anyway? She’s got a big old stake! Yeah, she’s like – it’s a big stake, y’all.

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: Lust for Life, Jeri Smith-Ready, four and a half stars.

>> Smith-Ready’s final WVMP Vampire Radio book brings this addictive series to a thrilling close. The eclectic mix of music, OCD, and vampires has given this terrific series a truly unusual edge. Former con woman Ciara Griffin has remained a compelling character whose skills have been put to the test.

So it’s a vampire radio station.

Amanda: That’s what I’m getting.

Sarah: I could see a line of, a line of, like, historicals, except they’re set in the ‘80s around terrestrial radio. Like, I think that’s going to be a popular thing in the future.

Amanda: Hmm!

Sarah: ‘Cause everything’s into, like, analog, retro, terrestrial, like, nothing satellite, nothing space, nothing electronic. And local radio used to be such a big deal. I have a podcast because I wanted to have my own radio show, and then the internet came and said, Well, who’s going to stop you? And I said, Well, nobody, and now I have this podcast. Thank you for listening!

>> Once faced with a deadly disease, Ciara has no choice but to allow herself to be turned into a vampire.

Spoilers for the last book in the series, everybody.

>> But her troubles don’t end there! Jim, a vampire DJ working at her radio station WVMP, The Lifeblood of Rock and Roll, nearly kills Ciara before he’s taken into custody. In order to make sure he can protect Ciara in the future, Shane McAllister, Ciara’s vampire fiancé, has been undergoing combat training, but they’re both going to need all the preparation and protection they can get, since Jim’s Legion of Progeny are out for revenge. Can they stop the attacks, keep WVMP going, and plan a wedding?

[Laughs]

Amanda: Okay!

Sarah: That’s a lot of – stop the attack of an entire legion of vampire progeny, keep your radio station going, and plan a wedding. Listen, I would suggest eloping? That’s a lot to deal – [laughs] – I’m sorry…

Amanda: Yeah, no, I firmly am in the eloping camp.

Sarah: I love how WVMP, The Lifeblood of Rock and Roll, like, they’ve got to get the whole tagline in there. You know, it’s important for the branding. [Laughs]

Moving on to Series. What did you pick?

Amanda: Series is always fun. I like going for Series when –

Sarah: It’s always fun.

Amanda: So I –

Sarah: There’s so many? There are so many.

Amanda: This is from the Harlequin Presents Extra line, and it’s A Taste of the Untamed by Susan Stevens. Now, I’m curious about this one, and I also have some questions in general.

>> After a virus destroys her vision, Grace trains as a sommelier?

Yeah, is that how you pronounce it?

Sarah: Sommelier.

Amanda: Sommelier –

Sarah: Yeah.

Amanda: – thank you.

Sarah: Sommelier.

Amanda: >> She is determined never to be a burden on anyone. At the urging of her mentor –

Sarah: Grrr!

Amanda: >> – she travels to Argentina for a contract. But Grace’s apprehension at traveling abroad with only her guide dog is nothing compared to the angst provoked by meeting the vineyard’s owner, Nacho Acosta. Previous encounters with Nacho always left her feeling gauche. When Nacho discovers her blindness, will he see her as a capable, attractive woman or an object of pity?

Sarah: Ehhh.

Amanda: >> The challenges faced by the heroine are sensitively portrayed, but the hero’s character transformation and the growth of their relationship is sometimes glossed over.

Now, I think the concept of someone who is blind who works in a field that makes use of another sense is interesting to me.

Sarah: Mm-hmm.

Amanda: I think that’s interesting. However, definitely worried about the care that is given in this depiction. I also, it, so it makes it seem that Nacho does not know Grace is blind and discovers it at some point, but Grace also arrives with a guide dog? So I would assume that the presence of a guide dog would give away that she might have –

Sarah: Limited vision?

Amanda: – a sight impairment. Yeah!

Sarah: Who, who doesn’t know?

Amanda: So how is that, like – yeah. Like, how is that, like, “hidden”? So I’m –

Sarah: Where is it –

Amanda: – I’m curious, I have some questions; I’m curious.

Sarah: Oh, you mean like when Nacho discovers her blindness, like what was the first clue –

Amanda: Yeah!

Sarah: – the dog that is helping her walk around? Like –

Amanda: Yeah!

Sarah: [Laughs] Is that what, your first clue, my guy? I don’t know. I, I don’t know. I, I don’t have, I don’t have very optimistic feelings that this would be handled in a well, in a way that I would recommend it to any of our listeners who have vision impairment. And I’m sure you are all listening to this just groaning your heads off like I was. Didn’t want to be a burden –

Amanda: Yeah, I mean, like –

Sarah: –[sings] – Fuck you!

Amanda: – 2012 was quite some time ago, and we’re still not getting –

Sarah: No.

Amanda: – good depictions in the year of our lord 2026. So I don’t have high hopes that this is a good or respectful depiction, but I am –

Sarah: No.

Amanda: – I do like the plot thought of, like –

Sarah: Mm-hmm.

Amanda: – the sensory elements to, like, the occupation.

Sarah: I mean, it could be interesting if it’s handled well. I, I agree. I, I share your, uhhh, trepidation that this will be –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – that this will be sensitively handled, because I don’t think there’s a lot of history of that in the, in the, in, in the genre, in the Series.

Now, I wrote down PDF page 100, and I’m wondering if I meant magazine page 100, because now I can’t find my pick. The other thing about the Series is it’s really hard to find your picks.

Amanda: Yeah, ‘cause they’re all within, like, bodies of the paragraph.

Sarah: Mm-hmm! All right, my pick is Nice & Naughty by Tawny Weber, three stars. Tawny Weber is kind of, like, known in my brain for writing truly unhinged Harlequins, and this is a Blaze, which means that it’s going to be sexytimes.

>> In order to achieve a much wanted promotion to big city detective, the unconventional, rule-bending cop –

Boo.

>> – Diego Sandoval has been assigned to solve an annoying small-town case of panty thievery.

[Laughs] Somebody has been stealing panties. I know you didn’t expect that.

Amanda: I did not.

Sarah: >> When he meets the latest victim, the sassy and fashionable pixie Jade Carson, the added challenge in the insulated holiday-obsessed town becomes resisting her sexy wiles. But the surprisingly cosmopolitan Jade – lingerie aficionado and resident good girl – has some other ideas about what to do with the town’s new interloper.

That’s not a great word choice.

>> While short on police work, this story succeeds where it really matters: in the bedroom.

So – [laughs] – panty thievery!

Amanda: What did they want? Did they want the, like, to see scenes of, like, the cops fingerprint-dusting the underwear drawer? Like, what –

Sarah: [Laughs] Or just the underwear. You see anything on these? Panty thievery! I’m sorry, I was really – the unconventional, rule-bending cop. Like, you could just sort of see this as like a TV series, and the music is really low, and the, the streets are dark and rainy. He’s a rule-bending cop. Diego Sandoval –

Amanda: But to be honest, like –

Sarah: – faces his greatest case: panty thievery! [Laughs]

Amanda: I have to be honest: if someone stole my underwear, I probably wouldn’t even notice.

Sarah: [Laughs] I would not either.

Amanda: I would probably assume, like, the washer or dryer ate it or it, like –

Sarah: It happens! I mean –

Amanda: – fell somewhere.

Sarah: I got odd socks. I got rando panties. It happens!

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: Oh yeah. I mean, I’ve lost whole bras before, and you know, back in the day that was quite a challenge!

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: All right, under Erotica – Erotica had its own –

Amanda: Hmm.

Sarah: – section in this one. What did you pick?

Amanda: Caden’s Vow by Sarah McCarty. So, some background –

Sarah: Ooh, Sarah McCarty!

Amanda: I know!

Sarah: Ooh!

Amanda: I read, I think, the first two books in this series. They are very –

Sarah: Mm-hmm.

Amanda: – very, very, very sexy Wild West romances. I remember I read them in my library system.

Sarah: Oh!

Amanda: Yeah, I know! Shout out Alachua County Library. Really good library system. So I picked – this is further in the series. I think it’s like six or eight, but I stopped reading them. And I think – also, all the triggers for this series, for sure. And for this description. But this description taps into an issue that I’ve been having lately with some romances? And I will explain why. So this –

Sarah: Okay, tell me everything.

Amanda: – this got two stars.

Sarah: Okay.

Amanda: The review:

>> Endlessly repetitive dialogue and a distinct lack of bedroom action weaken what could have been another compelling entry in the Hells Eight series. The hero’s ambivalence about the heroine Maddie and her constant denig-, denigration of herself – and I do mean constant – make this pair difficult to pull for. Readers should also be warned there is not one but two chilling scenes where Maddie is almost raped by outlaws. Unfortunately, it’s tough to feel more than pity for the poor woman.

Sarah: What?!

Amanda: Rough, yeah.

>> It’s too bad, as McCarty has a real knack for capturing the ruggedness of the era.

Summary:

>> Caden Miller’s fellow gunslingers of the, on the Hells Eight Ranch have all settled down with wives and families. His wandering soul is feeling an itch to hit the road and salvage a gold mine in Kansas territory. But Maddie O’Hare, who was born and raised in a brothel before coming to Hells Eight, has come to care for Caden, and she’s convinced by her friend Bella that she shouldn’t give up, give him up without a fight. She follows him and ends up held against her will on the nearby Fallen Sea Ranch, and the only way the ranch’s wily owner will release her is if Caden agrees to marry Maddie. After their shotgun wedding, Maddie has to learn to let go of her past and convince Caden she’s worth settling down for.

Now, I’m remembering book one as well, where the heroines are all pretty, like, pretty broken. Like, they’ve had a lot of terrible stuff happen to them, but they’re very, like, sad.

Sarah: Yeah!

Amanda: They, like, there’s a lot of, like, talking down about themselves. Like, in their own heads they’re like, you know. Really, like, you just feel really bad for them. And I read a book recently, and it’s not as bad as this, but the heroine was constantly talking down about her work ethic, talking down –

Sarah: Yeah.

Amanda: – about her physical appearance –

Sarah: Yep.

Amanda: – just really talking down about herself, and all of – it was like a Why Choose romance, and all of the heroes just, like, existed to talk about how perfect she was? That she could, like, only eventually see her worth because they wanted to spoil her, and her body was like their perfect body type and blah-blah-blah. And I’m like, it made me so sad to read about these women who, most of the time we’re in their inner monologue. It’s just them feeling, like, really insecure about literally every part of their existence.

Sarah: Yeah! It’s like, it’s like the heroine is crushing herself?

Amanda: Yes!

Sarah: It’s similar to the same feeling that I get when I’m reading one of the crushed heroine books where it’s like everything terrible happens to this woman and, and she’s reduced to absolute rubble. Okay, time to go have a romance. Like, no! It’s hard to be in that point of view. Like, it’s really hard to stay in that point of view, and it reminds me – there’s one of them in this, in this magazine, actually. Do you remember when there were books where the publishers were like, And she’s a plus-sized heroine! And the whole conflict is her dealing with feelings about her being fat.

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: And she’s fat, but she’s cute anyway! And he loves her anyway. And it’s like, that was a plot for a while. And that also had a lot of, Oh, I’m so unattractive and I’m not worthy of anybody. That had that same sort of self-depreciating, or self-deprecating language. It’s such a not-fun perspective to be in, right? Like, oof.

Amanda: Yeah. In this one, like, in the Sarah McCarty books, there’s also, like, so much trauma –

Sarah: Mm-hmm.

Amanda: – piled onto these women. But in the one –

Sarah: But you know what’s going to fix it.

Amanda: The hero, of course, yes.

Sarah: A whole lot of sex, lots and lots of sex. Specifically, the hero’s dick; that’s what’s going to fix it.

Amanda: But the book I just read, it’s called My Ex-Boyfriend’s Brothers? Did not like it, by the way. Look, I can look past a lot –

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: – but a threesome where your three partners are blood related? I don’t know about that! I don’t know! But hold on, I’ll just –

Sarah: Just drawing the line at incest there, huh? Just, just –

Amanda: I’ll just read the review. [Laughs]

Sarah: Oh no.

Amanda: I was so – I wanted something, like, fun and easy-breezy, and I, I think I gave this a one.

Sarah: Oh no! [Laughs]

Amanda: And I don’t do that very often. Okay, this was my review:

>> This was both boring and confusing. The –

Sarah: Oh God! [Laughs]

Amanda: >> The heroine had major small bean energy. She didn’t really have any flaws, and everyone loved her except for the overly evil ex. She also gets involved with three brothers and has sex with them at the same time, has a kid, has another kid less than a year after the first one is born (get off of her), and gets married.

Sarah: Get off of her! [Laughs] No!

Amanda: I was like,

>> Polygamy is illegal in the US, and there wasn’t an explanation, unless I missed it, that she married one brother on paper and then they all sort of lived together. I also didn’t love that would make her kids sibling-cousins. I’m usually pretty cool with most things in romance, but the blood relations of the three heroes and what it means for their collective children just kind of had me hearing sad trombone noises for most of the book.

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: That was my…

Sarah: Now, that review should be in this magazine! [Laughs] Wah-wah-wah-waahh!

Amanda: That’s how I felt! She was just, like, ugh! Anyway, I wanted better, but sometimes that’s life. Hey, what can you do? [Laughs]

Sarah: And I want better for you, because wow, what the fuck?

Amanda: Yeah!

Sarah: All right.

Amanda: Crazy! Anyway, that was my short little trip into, I hate it when heroines just bum me out about how negative, like, of all, like, the negative self-talk –

Sarah: Mm-hmm.

Amanda: – and just feeling, like, really beaten down –

Sarah: Yeah.

Amanda: – you know, confidence-wise. It, they’re so hard to read for me right now.

Sarah: They really are.

Well, I picked another book that’s full of yikes! So thank you for starting off on the yikes train. I’m going to add another car, and we’re going to head on into the station.

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: This is erotic romance, novella, e-book Pushing Her Buttons by Sabrina York, two stars. M’kay.

>> The story’s plot starts out clever, but turns creepy as JR seems to almost stalk Samantha.

Okay, mild –

Amanda: Too bad she’s not writing in 2026, am I right? [Laughs]

Sarah: Right? Mild, mild TRIGGER WARNING for the rest of this.

>> To get her attention, he flaunts another woman at her, leading to a very awkward ménage scene where the other woman is blindfolded and unaware of who is in bed with her.

Amanda: That’s – mm-mm!

Sarah: No, that, I don’t like that!

>> With several uncomfortable scenes and a pronounced lack of romance, this one is worth skipping.

And I would just like to make note of the fact that they’ve given this two stars, which is “problematic, may struggle to finish.” Why not give it a one, which is “severely flawed; pass on this one”? You’re literally telling people to skip it. Give it one star; that’s what the one star means. Anyway. This, the summary does not make this any better. I apologize in advance.

>> Every day Samantha rides the elevator with her mysterious and sexy neighbor. He tempts her deepest desire to be dominated. But after her ex-husband took their domination games too far, Samantha fights off her darker urges.

Amanda: I don’t like any of this!

Sarah: I don’t like any of this either.

>> She finally gives in to the promise in JR’s eyes, and he gives her exactly what she needs. However, when she finds that JR knows more about her than she wants him to, their fragile relationship is put to the test. Can Samantha learn to trust again, or is JR doomed to ride alone?

Ride alone, JR, please. Ride off; go somewhere else.

Amanda: Get out of here.

Sarah: JR, buh-bye. We do not need you. You can ride off. Please now, leave her alone. Yeah, that, that, that was, that was just a whole lot of mm-mm. No.

Amanda: It’s an Ellora’s Cave title!

Sarah: Oh, it’s totally an Ellora’s Cave title. And this was sort of the middle of the period, I think, or very much in the period where in erotic romance it was like, can we invent a new sex? What wild sex things can we do? There’s a lot of BDSM; there’s a lot of dominance and submission in different settings, and this is one of them, and I’m like, meh.

Amanda: Well, what – I mean –

Sarah: That was never my bag. That was never my bag.

Amanda: We’ll go over this in ads and features, but there’s, like, a feature about E. L. James in here. So we’re right –

Sarah: Oh yeah!

Amanda: – we’re right –

Sarah: Mm-hmm.

Amanda: – in the Fifty Shades of Grey territory, for sure.

Sarah: Yes, we were!

All righty! So those were the reviews from December 2012. Any books you want to read?

Amanda: No. Ugh.

Sarah: No, me neither.

Amanda: No. I’m, I’m revisiting – not really. Like I said, most of the reviews weren’t – like, they didn’t sell the book to me at all.

Sarah: No! No, they don’t really sell the book, and also I, I look at these – these are, you know, ten, fifteen years in the past. Sometimes I look at them and I’m like, Ooh, I hope I find a book that maybe I missed the first time around or didn’t know about. Because the one thing about RT is that you’re going to find a book in there that makes you, Oh, really! There’s just so many fucking books in here. It’s like the, the April Fool’s cover you did: Five million reviews of every book published this month! I mean, there’s a lot of reviews in here. There’s – I did not find anything I was like, Ooh, I want to try that! Not even the drowned people in Holland, the summary of the plot that I couldn’t figure out.

Amanda: Well, that’s probably ‘cause you couldn’t figure it out. And then someone said it was gross, so.

Sarah: Yes, someone said it was gross.

Well, that was the reviews.

Amanda: Better luck next time, I guess. [Laughs]

Sarah: Yeah, better luck next time! Was there something in just 2012 that you loved? Did you read one of these books? Was it good? Please tell us about it. Especially if you read the, the, the one with the people drowned in Holland with the church spires and the plot that was never explained.

But we’ll be back in two weeks, and the cover is all about Harlequin Love Inspired, and we have things to talk about.

Amanda: Yeah.

[outro]

Sarah: And that brings us to the end of this week’s episode. Thank you, as always, to Amanda. Come back in two weeks for the ads and features. There is a lot to talk about and a truly incredible game that I spring on Amanda with no warning.

I also want to remind you, if you want to watch this episode or pretty much all of the episodes since, I want to say January, on YouTube, you can watch us with images of the covers and Amanda and me laughing a lot. Head over to our YouTube page; there’s a link in the show notes.

There will also be, in the show notes at smartbitchestrashybooks.com/podcast, links to all of the books we talked about under episode 718.

I always end with a bad joke. Now, I heard that last week’s joke was really bad and you were really upset about it. I’m aiming to have the same response here. I, I, I now have a goal.

Did you hear about the person who had a scary accident when they fell into the upholstery machine at work?

Yeah. It’s okay, though; they’re fully recovered.

[Laughs] Fully recovered! That is from diddelydum on Reddit. Thank you very much, diddelydum. Fully recovered!

On behalf of everyone here, we wish you the very best of reading. Have a wonderful weekend, and we’ll see you back here next week. And in the words of my favorite retired podcast Friendshipping, thank you for listening. You’re welcome for talking.

[end of music]