525. Cover Snark Live!

[music]

Sarah Wendell: Hello there! Thank you for inviting me into your eardrums. I’m Sarah Wendell, and this is episode number 525, and today it is time for some Cover Snark Live. Romance is never going to stop giving us great covers, so Amanda and I went foraging, foraging into the wilds, and surprised one another with images to discuss. We have many questions; none of these questions will be answered, I’m sorry to say, but if you liked our last Cover Snark episode we have another one, and wow! is this fun.

If you have covers that you would like us to snark on live, hey, email us: [email protected]. I love getting Cover Snark in the mail. It is, it is really my favorite thing: I open my inbox and it’s like, wow! Man-titty and mullets, and the grass is breathing! And oh I love it, so yeah, keep sending me covers.

And I have a compliment this week – yay! This compliment is for Abigail G., who joined the Patreon, then told everyone on Twitter about it. Thank you, Abigail!

You are the person that your friends trust the most, because your advice is kind and thoughtful, and your loyalty is unquestionable.

I also want to extend a welcome to Kelli, Rachel, Stefanie, and Kristin. Hello! Thank you for joining the Patreon.

We are planning a lot of fun things in the very near future, including quarterly virtual book and crafting gatherings, maybe special episodes, lots of nifty stuff, so come join us! Head over to patreon.com/SmartBitches and have a look! The Patreon community keeps the show going each week and makes sure that every episode has a handcrafted transcript courtesy of garlicknitter so every episode is accessible to everyone! Monthly pledges start at one dollar, and we would love to have you join our group. Thank you again to the Patreon community for making so much of what I do possible.

This episode is brought to you by The Unmatchmakers by Jackie Lau and by Kobo Plus. From the author of Donut Fall in Love comes a perfect summer love story set in the forested paradise of Canadian cottage country. Here is the cover copy:

You’d think my mother would be trying to set me up with architect Neil Choy, the unmarried son of her best friend. But you’d be wrong. My single mother has always been fiercely independent. Since I was a small child, she’s always told me not to believe in fairy tales and that I don’t need a man. So she’s failed to mention that Neil is a total hottie in glasses. When I see him for the first time in a decade, on a multi-family cottage vacation, I am in for quite a shock. (In fact, I nearly fall in the lake, but let’s keep that part a secret.) Yes, he’s a little stern and grumpy, but that just makes him more fun to tease – and it makes it more satisfying when he quirks his lips in my direction. Even though my mind is spinning romantic fantasies, I’m not entirely sure how he feels. And I’m afraid if anything happens between us, it’ll screw up the friendship between our staunchly anti-relationship mothers, especially since they’ve been acting increasingly weird since we arrived. In fact, I think they’re trying to sabotage my love life, and I’m starting to worry that I won’t make it through this bizarre summer vacation.

Perfect for fans of Helen Hoang’s The Bride Test, The Unmatchmakers is a forced-proximity, friends-to-lovers romantic comedy that explores the balance of meeting expectations and being true to yourself. This book will make you feel as if you are on vacation with kayaks, butter tarts, Tim Hortons, and Coffee Crisp. The Unmatchmakers is available as an e-book and audiobook through Kobo and across global storefronts, and heads up:

If you are Canadian, first of all, hello, neighbor; second, this title is available under Kobo Plus, which is the all-you-can-read e-book subscription exclusively for Canadians – no, I’m not bitter. It starts with a thirty-day free trial, meaning that readers who haven’t started their subscription yet can begin a free trial and read this book for free, along with literally hundreds of thousands of other e-books. I’m so jealous. You can find The Unmatchmakers by Jackie Lau wherever you get your tasty e-books.

Are you ready for some live Cover Snark? I hope you are prepared to enjoy some live cover snarking, and never fear: the images are in the show notes, so if you’re looking to, you know, gaze at the glory along with us, head over to smartbitchestrashybooks.com/podcast, or there’ll be a link in the podcast description.

[music ends]

Sarah: All right, are you ready to do –

Amanda: Yes!

Sarah: – Cover Snark Live?

Amanda: I’m so ready!

Sarah: Now you pointed out earlier today when we were talking about this, you pointed out that people just send me covers, so this should be easy –

Amanda: Yeah!

Sarah: – but no, I went, I foraged. I foraged!

Amanda: You had to plumb the depths!

Sarah: I had to forage for covers, and then, of course, I ended up with several and had to choose between them, and it was to the point where I showed Adam my top two, and I’m like, which one is more bizarre? And he’s like, I don’t know; they are both –

Amanda: You know, what if we  –

Sarah: – amazing!

Amanda: – brought the same cover to the table?

[Laughter]

Sarah: I would love that! So I have one to snark, but then I have one to show you because I know you’re just going to be like, awww! That’s for me! So do you want to go first?

Amanda: Okay, I will go first.

Sarah: Okay.

Amanda: So Sarah does have the luxury of just poking around the Cover Snark inbox.

Sarah: Oh yeah, I get at least three to four cover, I would say –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – at least three to four a week, right? People are like – and it’s –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – it, it is, there’s no higher compliment than, I saw this and I thought of you, in any venue?

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: I saw this and I thought of you is like the nicest compliment. But I saw this cover with this guy who has five arms and is holding –

Amanda: And I thought of you! [Laughs]

Sarah: – a baby, and there’s a plane crashing into a planet, and I thought of you, and my heart is just filled with joy!

Amanda: So –

Sarah: So.

Amanda: – I was thinking, you know, like, what –

Sarah: You mentioned keywords; I’m curious.

Amanda: I know! [Laughs] So I get, like, sale emails to, like, help me with, like, Books on Sale stuff, and that’s sometimes how I find really good snark stuff.

Sarah: Right, of course.

Amanda: There wasn’t anything good in my inbox today –

Sarah: M’kay.

Amanda: – so, like, okay, I’m actually going to have to look. I’m actually going to have to go –

Sarah: Put on your –

Amanda: – a-searching.

Sarah: Put on your helmet; get your, get your, get your weapon –

Amanda: Yeah. Yeah.

Sarah: – and your walking stick.

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: You’re going on a lion hunt.

Amanda: I’m thinking, in terms of the covers that we get –

Sarah: Right.

Amanda: – right, like –

Sarah: Right.

Amanda: – what are the, in terms of, like, genre or theme, what produces the most weirdness for us?

Sarah: Oh gosh! So you’re thinking –

Amanda: And it’s –

Sarah: – keyword: weirdness. All right.

Together: Okay.

Sarah: All right, I’m with you so far.

Amanda: And I, I feel like most of the time they fall into two camps.

Sarah: I love a good taxonomy. Bring it!

Amanda: [Laughs] They fall into two camps for weirdness: there’s either space or there’s a shifter. So I just went to Amazon –

Sarah: [Laughs] Oh no!

Amanda: – and typed in “space shifters.”

Sarah: [Still laughing] Good Lord!

Amanda: And just, you know, scrolled through a few pages to see what would come up. And I landed on this one, and I’ll explain why.

Sarah: Okay. I’m listening.

Amanda: I’m going to send it to you.

Sarah: What in the holy – what?! All right, I, I have some questions, and this is a good venue for me. Let me just zoom – wow. Okay.

Amanda: It’s also an mpreg romance.

Sarah: [Laughs] No, it’s not! Oh, it’s an mpreg; of course it is, so, okay.

Amanda: Yeah –

Sarah: So what we have here –

Amanda: – so.

Sarah: – is Shifters in Space! –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – by Lex Lanale.

Amanda: It’s Shifters in Space!, and then the subtitle is Gay Werewolf M/M/M Mpreg Erotica.

Sarah: Gay Werewolf M/M/M Mpreg Erotica.

Amanda: And then –

Sarah: Wow.

Amanda: – you know, the first –

Sarah: So there’s –

Amanda: – the first line is, “The young wily Alpha Brad is on a rocket to Mars with a stop at the ISS.” So.

Sarah: Okay! Sure, all right.

Amanda: Alpha Brad –

Sarah: All right –

Amanda: – is going to Mars, but he’s going to take a pit stop at the space station first.

Sarah: Okay, so Alpha Brad – I’m going to guess – so in the cover we have –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – Earth – it is a nice Earth – with the, sort of the sun coming up behind it, so there’s a little solar flare, and then –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – taking up the left half of the image is a tilted image of an astronaut in full space walk gear with the helmet and the pack and the –

Amanda: Yes.

Sarah: – big white suit and all of the metal –

Amanda: Yes.

Sarah: – joints and stuff. And then there’s the words, you know, Shifters in Space. I’m pretty sure I know what font that is. And then in the lower right corner there is a pasted picture of a, a wolf –

Amanda: Yeah!

Sarah: – ears up, eyes sort of halfway –

Amanda: Not amused.

Sarah: No, this is a wolf that mentally would be part, like, would be part of a meme where mentally it’s going, hmmm.

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: This, this, this has a, this wolf has some disapproval.

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: I would say this wolf is, on a mood scale, like two out of five stars.

Amanda: Yeah. Definitely over it.

Sarah: Yeah, has had enough. And then, I’ve been meaning to ask you about this pose, so –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – I’m really glad that you’ve brought this up.

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: There is a guy. You can see him from about, oh, just below his nipples to the top of his head.

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: He is not wearing a shirt, because why would you need a shirt in space? It’s only so cold you’ll die.

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: And he’s got his hands behind his head, and his elbows are forward, and he’s sort of half-flexing, and it occurred to me when I was also foraging for covers for us to talk about that there are a lot of guys on covers with, like, they’re in the middle of doing a sit-up.

Amanda: They’re either this or looking at their crotch. There’s just –

Sarah: Yes! They’ve either got their hands behind their heads or they’re looking at their crotches, and it’s very weird! Why is that the pose? I know for body building this is a pose, ‘cause then you see, like, the biceps and the deltoids –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – and the trapezius, like, thing that makes –

Amanda: Maybe there –

Sarah: Mm!

Amanda: Maybe there’s a body-building contest happening on the International Space Station.

Sarah: In space, or this guy was doing a sit-up and was photographed from above without, you know, being aware –

Amanda: I –

Sarah: – that that was happening?

Amanda: The one thing I really, I personally loved about this cover is you have an astronaut.

Sarah: There’s an astronaut.

Amanda: You have an astronaut in full gear.

Sarah: Yeah. There’s no question what that is; that is one hundred percent space walk time. Yep.

Amanda: But –

Sarah: But.

Amanda: – the wolf and the flexing man –

Sarah: [Laughs] They’re just floating in space!

Amanda: – have no sort of protection –

Sarah: No wonder the wolf is pissed off! [Laughs]

Amanda: – from space.

Sarah: Yeah, but this guy’s working out, so clearly the space cold and lack of oxygen isn’t a problem, ‘cause he’s, like, happily flexing in space!

Amanda: I guess, but, like, their, I guess, oxygen is fine! And then after reading the, so the subtitle mentions that there’s three men involved, and on the cover, I’m assuming the wolf will shift into a man.

Sarah: I mean, one presumes?

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: But this, this cover also does deploy that other strange feature where the animal is in, is in front of a human –

Amanda: In front of a man.

Sarah: – at crotch level –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – which is always very alarming.

Amanda: But the, the book description only names two men.

Sarah: So wait, the book description names two dudes, but we have three beings on the cover.

Amanda: And three in the subtitle: M –

Sarah: ‘Cause there’s an M/M/M –

Amanda: Yeah!

Sarah: And one of the Ms is not for the preg; it’s, the mpreg is separate, so it’s three Ms and then an mpreg; it’s not M/M/Mpreg.

Amanda: But is, I’m assuming the mpreg happens to one of the established three Ms. And so there’s Alpha Brad, and I’m assuming –

Sarah: One is Alpha Brad.

Amanda: – Alpha Brad is the shifter.

Sarah: Wait, which one of these is Alpha Brad?

Amanda: Is it the wolf?

Sarah: Maybe it’s the wolf.

Amanda: Or Alpha’s the call sign for the astronaut. [Laughs]

Sarah: Alpha Brad? Ground Control to Alpha Brad –

Amanda: (simultaneously) Alpha Brad to Ground Control!

[Laughter]

Sarah: Someone’s Photoshopped your waist, and now you have a booty – did you notice, by the way –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – that they Photoshopped a, a waist into the as- – those shoots, those suits are square. That person doesn’t have –

Amanda: Oh! He’s got, like, a waist trainer.

Sarah: Yeah, he’s wearing Skims in space.

Amanda: And then they mention –

Sarah: Ground Control to Alpha Brad! [Laughs]

Amanda: – a hot, a hot virgin astronaut named Alexis. So –

Sarah: So wait, there’s a hot virgin astronaut and, and Alpha Brad.

Amanda: And Alpha Brad. Where’s the third M? The, the third M isn’t mentioned in the book description.

Sarah: Maybe this is where the adhesive company 3M comes from. They know.

[Laughter]

Sarah: Tape Dispensers in Space is the sequel to Shifters in Space! So there’s a shifter in space –

Amanda: TapeDispencerPreg. Yeah.

Sarah: – we don’t know which one; you presume it’s a werewolf with the wolf on the cover –

Amanda: Yeah, Alpha Brad.

Sarah: Although that wolf is still looking at me like, do not fucking even. Just do not. Do –

Amanda: I don’t want to be here either!

Sarah: I don’t want to deal with your crap. All right, bring, let, let’s go through the, this, the copy here is something. Yes, it is three Ms! Gay Werewolf M/M/M –

Amanda: Yes! I would never –

Sarah: – Mpreg Erotica.

Amanda: – I would never lie or –

Sarah: I sound like –

Amanda: – joke about three Ms.

Sarah: You would never joke about three Ms. Also, I sound like –

Amanda: No.

Sarah: – I’m some sort of like Morse code: M/M/M Mpreg –

Amanda: M/M/M.

Sarah: – Erotica. “The young wily Alpha Brad is on a rocket to Mars with a stop at the ISS. He’s supposed –“

Amanda: Yes.

Sarah: “– to pick up be his companion for the long haul, Alexis there.” All right, let’s, let’s, let me try that again. [Laughs] I read that correctly, by the way; that was, those were the words that were in that word, in order.

Amanda: Maybe he’s supposed to pick up his companion for the long haul, Alexis, there on the ISS.

Sarah: That’s definitely what that sentence was trying to do.

Amanda: Okay. Okay.

Sarah: “Turns out Alexis is the one, the mate he was looking for his entire life.” Well, he’s, he hasn’t had a long life; he’s a young, wily Alpha Brad.

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: He’s not an old Alpha wily Brad.

Amanda: No.

Sarah: He’s not like one of those werewolves where he’s like four hundred years old and then messes, meets a seventeen-year-old, and he’s like, oh, perfect!

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: Mm-mm.

Amanda: Young, wily Alpha Brad!

Sarah: All right, so he’s been search for a mate. “He plots to seduce the hot virgin Russian cosmonaut and convince him to be his Omega. But unknown to him, a massive comet is on collision course with the space station.”

Amanda: Yes.

Sarah: “Read this –“

Amanda: Hate it when that happens.

Sarah: I hate that! “Read this to see –

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: “– how Brad proves his Alpha-ness, saves the day, and gets down and dirty on a spacecraft a million miles from earth.

“A racy short story featuring rough gay werewolves getting on with hot and steamy action and involves male bonding, male pregnancy, and more!”

So Brad has to prove his Alpha-, Alpha-ness, save the day –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – I presume from the comet, and get dirt, get down and dirty on a spacecraft.

Amanda: Yeah!

Sarah: That’s his to-do list.

Amanda: Is the third M the spacecraft? The comet?

Sarah: The comet! Oh, I hope it’s the comet!

Amanda: The comet.

Sarah: There is an M in comet; maybe the comet –

Amanda: There is.

Sarah: – is, maybe the shifter is the comet!

Amanda: [Gasps]

Sarah: Comet shifters!

Amanda: I like that.

Sarah: A new genre has been born!

Amanda: You’re welcome.

Sarah: You’re welcome, the World!

Amanda: You can have that one for free!

Sarah: Yeah. Kindle Unlimited won’t know what hit it.

Amanda: [Laughs] They’re like, why are we getting a bunch of uploads for comet shifters?

Sarah: Comet shifters, Andromeda shifters, planet shifters, moon shifters.

Amanda: Black, black hole shifters.

Sarah: Oooh, black hole shifters. Ohhh!

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: That would be really fun! Not much of a plot, though; everyone just gets killed. But that’s fine!

Amanda: Everyone gets sucked in.

Sarah: Yes. This book will suck you in! [Laughs]

So one of the Ms is – I counted four – is probably the comet, and Brad’s to-do list is, in the order, prove his Alpha-ness, save the day, get down and dirty.

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: Wouldn’t you want –

Amanda: I mean, I –

Sarah: – save the day first?

Amanda: – appreciate the priorities.

Sarah: No, wouldn’t you want to save the day first so that your Alpha-ness is thereby proven by you saving the day?

Amanda: Maybe he doesn’t want to seem too eager –

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: He wants to play hard to get.

Sarah: He’ll let someone else take a crack at the comet first?

Amanda: He wants to play hard to get with the comet! You know, make the comet work for it.

Sarah: I mean, you can’t be too obvious.

Amanda: No!

Sarah: Yeah, you can’t be too obvious.

Amanda: Can’t be too eager.

Sarah: What in the holy cow?

Amanda: So that is, there we go. See, I told you! Space shifters did not disappoint.

Sarah: You really got the job done!

Amanda: Thank you.

Sarah: I’m very impressed!

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: Also, though, I’m a little surprised there’s not more! There’s –

Amanda: There’s not more in, like, a series? Or more description?

Sarah: Ooh! More options for shifters in space, but I have just scrolled down and found more – my Amazon browsing is going to be amazing starting today.

Amanda: The author has another book entitled Boned by Beefcake Bengals?

Sarah: I’m –

Amanda: I’m going to –

Sarah: – sorry! Boned by –

Amanda: I was in, like –

Sarah: – Beefcake Bengals? As in the football team? [Laughs]

Amanda: As in a tiger.

Sarah: God damn it, Cincinnati, what are we doing? Boned by Beefcake Bengals Bundle! Gay Weretiger –

Amanda Yeah!

Sarah: – M/M/M Mpreg Erotica.

Amanda: There you go.

Sarah: [Laughs] Wow! At least the animal isn’t in front of the man’s crotch; that’s always a relief.

Amanda: Off to the side. But also looking pissed and over it.

Sarah: Yeah, really, the, these animals are not happy to be here. But as I scroll down, I also see CosmoKnot: K-N-O-T, CosmoKnot –

Amanda: Oh boy.

Sarah: – An M/M Sci-fi Shifter Erotica.

Amanda: Yeah, sure! I hope this person is making bank.

Sarah: I hope this does really well for them. How many Ms do you need? I mean, once you get past three, can you just say ménage? Or do you have to name all the Ms? How many, what’s the, the maximum number of Ms in a row that is part of a book description now?

Amanda: Just MMM…!

Sarah: [Laughs] It’s that song from Crash Test Dummies!

Amanda: Yeah! [Laughs]

Sarah: [Hums] Mm, mm, mm, mm!

Amanda: Who knew that song was about –

Sarah: A genre!

Amanda: Yeah!

Sarah: Mm, mm, mm. Mm, mm! How many Ms does it take –

Amanda: How many Ms?

Sarah: – before you have a ménage versus –

Amanda: Before you mpreg.

Sarah: Wow. This is really amazing, and I am very impressed. I’m very impressed here.

Amanda: Thank you. [Laughs]

Sarah: All right. Let me show you the covers that I downloaded.

Amanda: Oh boy.

Sarah: All right, I have to – [laughs] – I have to make my – [still laughing] – I have to choose between two –

Amanda: Okay, yeah.

Sarah: – and it’s so hard. Like, so hard. All right, you know what, I’m going to make my choice, and then I’ll show you –

Amanda: Okay.

Sarah: – my second place, and you can tell me if I was wrong. Are you ready?

Amanda: I am as ready as I will ever be. [Laughs]

Sarah: All right, so you will have to describe this for the people who are listening.

[Laughter]

Sarah: Oh no, I broke Amanda. Perfectly good Amanda, and now she can’t talk. [Laughs]

Amanda: Why are they green? [Laughs] Why are they green?

Sarah: Are you okay?

Amanda: They look like –

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: They look like the Mucinex man.

[Laughter]

Sarah: All right, so what do we have here, Amanda? Please describe this. I need to get a tissue. [Laughs]

Amanda: Okay. The title –

Sarah: Oh man.

Amanda: – is called Charmed by the Alien Vampire Firemen. So that’s the title.

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: And the background is clearly a photo image of an ambulance.

Sarah: Yeah, so we’re all, we’ve already got a bit of a, bit of a confusion here, because those are paramedics –

Amanda: Yes.

Sarah: – but you’re being charmed by the firemen. Okay!

Amanda: Yes.

Sarah: Sure!

Amanda: But the three figures are like that CGI, Second Life sort of vibe.

Sarah: Kind of like Poser, yeah.

Amanda: Yeah. And so you have a woman in jeans and like a crop top looking very concerned.

Sarah: Yeah, she’s got a little pouty face. She’s very unhappy.

Amanda: Yeah, she’s like, oh no!

Sarah: She does not look, for the record, does not look charmed.

Amanda: And normally I suppose, like, when something happens you get, like, one of those shiny, like, heat blankets, right?

Sarah: Yeah, you get like a Mylar space blanket, right?

Amanda: But this is like a burlap sack blanket being wrapped around her shoulders. Like, it looks –

Sarah: It looks really itchy, right?

Amanda: Yeah, like that rough burlap-y material. And so –

Sarah: Yeah, it looks real itchy.

Amanda: – the, the fireman, the alien vampire fireman, let me, sorry –

Sarah: Not to be confused with the vampire Viking angel SEAL, angel SEALs –

Amanda: Yeah, no.

Sarah: – angel Navy SEALs. Yeah.

Amanda: So the alien vampire, there’s two alien vampire firemen. There’s one wrapping the blanket around her shoulders and is in bright yellow fireman attire.

Sarah: Yeah.

Amanda: But very formfitting? Not bulky at all.

Sarah: No, it really shows off a lot of muscle definition –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – doesn’t it?

Amanda: Yeah. He is green.

[Laughter]

Amanda: I mean very green.

Sarah: He has Geralt from The Witcher’s hair!

Amanda: Yeah. He has shoulder-length, like white, silvery hair and eyebrows. And he’s very stern, and he’s putting this blanket around this woman’s shoulders. And then the second fireman, alien vampire fireman –

Sarah: [Laughs] The alien vampire fireman!

Amanda: Yeah – also a green man –

Sarah: Also green, yep.

Amanda: – but, like, short, like, close buzz-cut dark hair.

Sarah: Yep.

Amanda: And he is, like, kneeling as if he’s proposing?

Sarah: Kind of looks like Derek Jeter.

Amanda: Yeah, I can see that.

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: And his hand is, like –

Sarah: On her –

Amanda: – on her waist, but like right where the waist goes to the butt.

Sarah: Yeah, he’s –

Amanda: Like, I wouldn’t be surprised if his hand was, like, reaching around and resting on a cheek back there.

Sarah: [Laughs] Yikes. Maybe that’s why she’s not charmed and looks so annoyed? ‘Cause he’s grabbing her ass! Yep.

Amanda: Yeah, so –

Sarah: But he’s kneeling like he’s about to propose!

Amanda: Yes. What I want to know, what I’m curious about –

Sarah: Oh, I have many questions. Tell me, tell me yours.

Amanda: – is one: where is this taking place? Is this on Earth?

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: And we’ve accepted alien vampires into our, you know, community and they, like, work regular jobs?

Sarah: Right?

Amanda: And we’re just, like, cool? Is this a special brigade? Do they have, like, a separate number that we have to call if we want the alien vampire firemen?

Sarah: And are there situations where the alien vampire firemen are better suited?

Amanda: Yeah!

Sarah: Like, are they fireproof? That would seem useful?

Amanda: Or is this taking place on their home world and they’re just like us? They’ve got firemen, you know.

Sarah: They’ve got public services for the, you know, for public safety and –

Amanda: Yeah!

Sarah: – and, you know, emergencies! Okay!

Amanda: That’s what I want, those are my questions. Will it be answered in the book description? It doesn’t look likely.

Sarah: No. No, please, please tell me the book description, because this adds more questions.

Amanda: Yes. It’s, okay.

Sarah: [Laughs] Amanda is very confused –

Amanda: Well –

Sarah: – and is gathering herself.

Amanda: The first paragraph: “When Ember’s apartment burns down –“

Why is your name Ember?

Sarah: [Laughs] ‘Cause it’s, ‘cause you’re going to be charmed by alien vampire firemen! That’s the perfect name!

Amanda: Did you burn down your own apartment?

Sarah: Maybe she’s just like, what’s the name of the, maybe it’s, she’s like a Calcifer!

Amanda: Maybe she’s trying to get some insurance money, but, like, maybe also don’t have the name Ember. Okay, anyway. “When Ember’s apartment burns down –“

Sarah: I see, Ember, that you have had several claims on your insurance for fire –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – that’s very interesting, Ms. Ember, hmm?

Amanda: “– two firemen offer their guesthouse for her to rent out.”

Sarah: Eh?

Amanda: “Not able to sleep on her friend’s couch any longer, she takes them up on their offer. One night smoke pours from their house. She rushes in to help them and discovers their secret.”

What’s the secret?

“With her restaurant being bought out from under her –“

Sarah: Oh, plot twist! Didn’t see that coming!

Amanda: “– Ember’s life is unraveling.”

Sarah: Okay!

Amanda: “She doesn’t know if she can trust her landlords.”

So wait, are they alien vampire firemen landlords?

Sarah: I guess?

Amanda: Yes, yeah.

Sarah: So what’s –

Amanda: “She doesn’t know if she can trust her landlords. Someone knows what they truly are and kidnaps her to pressure her for information about the firemen. When she doesn’t talk about her green-skinned firemen, the situation only gets worse.”

Sarah: What –

Amanda: “As love grows between Ember and her aliens, the world closes around them. She needs to get closer to them, but men invade their home.”

Sarah: Oh no!

Amanda: “In order to save them, she will have to give up everything she knows.”

So I guess it’s answered, they’re on Earth, because they hide their green skin in some way.

Sarah: As landlords who are also alien vampires and firemen.

Amanda: Yeah. So, like, I guess they present as regular humans, ‘cause, like, Ember learns their secret, that they’re green-skinned aliens. Weirdly, the vampire part is not mentioned in the book description.

Sarah: Exactly. And I have questions about that? So here, here’s my question –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – in the, in the cover copy –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – Ember’s apartment burns down; two firemen are like, hey, rent our guest house; she’s like, okay; and then their house catches fire –

Amanda: Sure.

Sarah: – so she runs into save them and discovers their secret. What do you think the scene was that would fully allow her to discover the fact that her landlords are aliens and vampires? What is the situation?

Amanda: It is all – yeah.

Sarah: What are they doing where the only conclusion that she can draw is, oh wow, you guys are alien vampires!? Like, what, why, what is happening so that that is –

Amanda: It’s also –

Sarah: – the only explanation? What are they doing? [Laughs]

Amanda: It’s suspicious that Ember’s apartment burns down and then also the alien vampires’ home catches fire –

Sarah: Right.

Amanda: – once Ember starts sleeping in their guest house.

Sarah: Yes!

Amanda: Also, do firemen make a lot of money to where they would have a guest house?

Sarah: I mean, maybe that’s just part of the alien vampire thing.

Amanda: Yeah, maybe –

Sarah: Because if you think about it –

Amanda: – you know –

Sarah: – if they’re vampires and vampires come with immortality, then they have lots and lots and lots of time to save money, but if they hide as firemen, probably allow them to leave or, you know, go to another town and have –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – marketable skills where they can find a job –

Amanda: No.

Sarah: – but hide the fact that they are immortal. So maybe their wealth is from the alien vampire part.

Amanda: I also want to know, were they aliens that landed on Earth and were turned into vampires?

Sarah: Oh shit!

Amanda: Or is where they, where they come from, being alien and a vampire is just how they are?

Sarah: It’s just a thing. It’s a –

Amanda: Also, why would you come to Earth and be like, I’m going to be a fireman?

Sarah: I don’t know; maybe –

Amanda: Why would you want a job?

Sarah: – I mean, those suits look really good on them! Maybe they’re like, wow, this suit really brings out my greenness; I’ll just go with this.

Amanda: But if you have enough money to have a guest house, just be that weirdo in the neighborhood who is rich and never leaves their house, and no one knows what they do for a living.

Sarah: I would be really happy to be that weirdo. Rich –

Amanda: Yeah!

Sarah: – rich neighborhood recluse sounds like a great –

Amanda: It’s like –

Sarah: – career path.

Amanda: – Twilight, aside from all of its criticisms, if you are an immortal vampire, why would you choose to be a high school student?

Sarah: Over and over again? Like, why?

Amanda: Like, why would you choose fireman? No shade to firemen out there, but, like, if I didn’t have to work, I wouldn’t?

Sarah: Your first thought was, I think I’ll run into burning buildings and answer car accidents and –

Amanda: Just for the, just for funsies.

Sarah: Yeah. I still want to know what was happening that she rushes in to save them and then realizes, oh, you guys are alien vampires.

Amanda: Maybe they, maybe, you know, they had taken their makeup off for the evening.

Sarah: And what were they doing where, where vampire was the, was the, the first, like, realization?

Amanda: Sleeping, sleeping in coffins, I guess. That would –

Sarah: Or chewing on each other. Because if you’re an alien and you’re a vampire, one presumes that you need to bite other beings to receive whatever is going to keep you alive, but if you’re an alien is human blood going to work, or can you only bite other aliens and maybe that’s why there’s two of them?

Amanda: And in the cover is taking place during the daytime –

Sarah: Right! So clearly they can –

Amanda: – so does the alien cancel out –

Sarah: Maybe that’s, mm, well, they’re wearing those suits, but their, their, both their heads are uncovered.

Amanda: Yeah!

Sarah: That one guy has long, flowing –

Amanda: So an alien –

Sarah: – Witcher locks!

Amanda: More questions than answers, for sure.

Sarah: Pretty amazing, though, right?

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: All right, would you, would you like to see the second place cover?

Amanda: Yes.

Sarah: The one that I was trying to choose between, and then I will share –

Amanda: Yes, and I will let you know if you picked the right one or not.

Sarah: All right. Hoo boy, the pressure. All right. Okay, there you go.

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: You okay?

Amanda: I, I think you made the right choice, but –

Sarah: [Laughs] But!

Amanda: – if we’re talking, but if we’re talking about the single best element of both of these covers, it’s the peek-a-boo nipple on this one!

[Laughter]

Amanda: Like, in, in terms of what-the-fuck as a whole? Alien vampire firemen, for sure. But if we’re talking singular what-the-fuck –

Together: – element?

Sarah: Yeah.

Amanda: It’s the peek-a-boo nipple!

Sarah: So this is Falling for Love, The Accidental Fairytale #1 –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – and my, okay, so – [laughs] – to describe this cover, there’s a, there’s a, a yellow brick road and some trees –

Amanda: Oh, it is a yellow brick road! I thought they were in a fucking swamp!

Sarah: No, they’re, it’s a yellow brick road –

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: – and there’s some trees, and if you look –

Amanda: It’s a marsh!

Sarah: – if you look at the trees in the background, two of them have monster faces.

Amanda: Yes! Yes!

Sarah: So there’s monster trees and some yellow foliage, so it’s clearly fall, and they’re in the forest and there’s fall leaves, and there are two people in the foreground.

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: One is a woman wearing a purple V-neck shirt that says “energies” on it –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – with flame writing –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – and then she’s wearing jeans, and I would just like to say that it is very rare that such an accurate representation of my specific body type is on a cover. This woman has big boobs and a very round butt, and I just, I feel seen. She also –

Amanda: Also –

Sarah: – looks –

Amanda: – there’s, like –

Sarah: – really confused.

Amanda: – something hiding behind her. Like, you see, like, where his hand is on her shoulder –

Sarah: Yeah!

Amanda: – there’s, like, something, like, red behind. Like, what was, what was there?

Sarah: Is he turning into, is he turning into leaves? Is his arm turning into leaves? Or is that just –

Amanda: How long is that arm, too?

Sarah: Or is there like a pumpkin behind her and a fall leaf, and it just looks like –

Amanda: Yeah, I, what’s happening?

Sarah: I don’t know, but she’s got a really good frown on her face? Like, she looks confused; her eyebrows are down.

Amanda: Yeah. Yeah.

Sarah: Her hair is, like, not bad for a computer AI animation. Her arms are –

Amanda: Nice shine to it.

Sarah: It’s, she looks good! Then, then there’s the dude! [Laughs] Okay, so you remember Justin Bieber’s hair when it was all blown dry to, like, one direction?

Amanda: Yes.

Sarah: Not the band.

Amanda: Yes.

Sarah: But it was all just flushed forward like someone plopped a mop on his head. That’s this guy’s hair: it’s white and it’s all in his face. And he’s wearing a T-shirt – [laughs] – that is ripped, and here’s where the hole –

Amanda: It’s like a T-shirt you probably would have bought at PacSun in the early 2000s.

Sarah: Oh yeah. Yeah, this is some kind of –

Amanda: Or, like, Hollister.

Sarah: – baseball league shirt, but it’s got a big hole in it right over his nipple, which strangely is in the middle of his chest.

Amanda: Ripped right open!

Sarah: Right? But it’s right in the middle of his chest. This nipple is off center. But my favorite thing about this guy is his expression. What is this, in, in your opinion, what is this guy saying?

Amanda: I feel like it’s no thoughts head empty.

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: There is nothing behind the eyes.

Sarah: He looks –

Amanda: Like, she’s, she’s obviously –

Sarah: She’s mad.

Amanda: – disgusted and mad. He, there’s like a hamster running on a wheel, doing its best.

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: Like, there’s nothing there. Is he the Scarecrow?

Sarah: I don’t know; I haven’t read the cover copy yet.

Amanda: No –

Sarah: I save that.

Amanda: – I mean, the cover copy is, doesn’t give us –

Sarah: Any clues?

Amanda: – much. Yeah.

Sarah: I think this guy is like, something big has happened; they are clearly looking at something large and monstrous and impressive. She’s like, what in the holy hopping fuck is this? Do I have to fight it? Do I need to run away? Like, she is actively assessing a negative situation, and he’s just got big eyes, and his eyebrows are up, and his mouth is part open, and I feel like all he’s saying is, bro, way harsh!

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: You, like, totally harshed my date with this banging chick! We were going to go to the Haunted Forest and you’ve, like, whoa, man, you’ve harshed my mellow.

Amanda: I can see, like, he’s stoned out of his mind.

Sarah: Oh, he is no longer on earth. Bro! So yeah, this is like, Bro Chad; Big City Bro Chad.

Amanda: What is happening with his shirt? That’s the –

Sarah: His nipple is in the middle of his chest!

Amanda: But, like, and that exact spot, like, her clothes are fine!

Sarah: Yep.

Amanda: Why is – ?

Sarah: So here’s the cover copy, if you’re curious. Falling for Love: “All Jasmine wanted was a quiet vacation. What she got turned into so much more than she could have ever imagined – her own fairy tale. Micha Hook saves her from death by pushing her into the pages of his magic book. Jasmine finds herself in a land she never thought existed – the Land of Oz.

“However, in this magical kingdom, the Wicked Witch has been replaced. Books write themselves, and the magic is disappearing. While reuniting the old crew, Jasmine has to find out what’s happening in Oz before the magic is gone. All the while, she finds a handsome prince or two.”

Amanda: Who is the old crew? Has she been here before?

Sarah: I don’t know. Maybe this is like a Dorothy reincarnated story? And so she’s like a descendant of Dorothy but she knows them?

Amanda: Cousin, what the hell are you doing?

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: Yeah, I feel like you picked the right, the right one –

Sarah: I picked the right cover?

Amanda: – for over, overall, like, what-the-fuckery for sure.

Sarah: Yeah, it, it was green alien vampire firemen versus bro! You totally bogarted my date! I’m like –

Amanda: [Laughs] My nipple!

Sarah: I’m like, so bummed, and my nipple is sad too!

All right, so I will now show you the – [laughs] –

Amanda: Oh gosh.

Sarah: So there’s also this one; I don’t want you to miss this one. We don’t have to necessarily talk about it if you don’t have anything to say; it’s just –

Amanda: Oh God, I’m nervous. Oh dear fuck.

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: I’m glad these alien vampires are getting good jobs –

Sarah: Yeah, well, this one’s a mechanic, right? All right –

Amanda: Blue col-, look, alien vampires don’t always have to be, like, creepy, wealthy, you know, like, businessmen or billionaires or whatever.

Sarah: Look at all these –

Amanda: They can be mechanics!

Sarah: Look at all of these aliens who are desperate for a nanny! How many aliens have been looking for nannies on the covers of books lately? They’re all looking for childcare. Clearly this society needs more support.

Amanda: Yeah. Okay, wild. I want to know what other blue collar jobs they can –

Sarah: For the am-, for the –

Amanda: I like how it’s souped up! Wait, is she, is he turning her into a fuckable car?

Sarah: I don’t know!

Amanda: What’s happening?

Sarah: Are you becoming a fuckable car is quite a question. This is, if you ever need to speed date: have you ever been a fuckable car? How do you feel about alien vampire firemen?

Amanda: What does that mean?

Sarah: I don’t know! He’s checking under the hood, which is what I call going to the gynecologist! [Laughs]

Amanda: Yeah!

Sarah: I’ve got to go have a check under the hood; I’ll be back later!

Amanda: When, when you go there, be like, hey, can you soup me up while you’re down there?

Sarah: [Laughing] My, my gynecologist would be like, what?!

Amanda: Can you put some spinning rims on this bad boy?

Sarah: [Laughs] All right, so this is, this is the cover that I saved just because I thought, oh, well, Amanda will like this one.

Amanda: [Laughs] Okay, I’m nervous and I’m ready.

[Laughter]

Amanda: Oh my gosh!

Sarah: You love it, right?

Amanda: I love Krampus Bah Humbug!

[Laughter]

Amanda: Is that his full name?

Sarah: I don’t know!

Amanda: Is that Krampus’s full name?

Sarah: Well, is it Mr. Bah Humbug or is it just Mr. Humbug?

Amanda: Is Bah, is Bah the middle name? Does go by, like, a –

Sarah: Is it like ben or bar? Yeah, Krampus Bah Humbug.

Amanda: B’Humbug. [Laughs] Welp! Krampus Bah Humbug.

Sarah: Listen, if you ever, like, stub your toe in the middle of the night and you’re in front of somebody you can’t curse in front of, now you know what to say.

Amanda: Krampus Bah Humbug!

Sarah: Krampus Bah Humbug! There’s also, this is also a, an anthology of novellas. This is the Krampus box set.

Amanda: Ohhh!

Sarah: Yeah, Krampus Bah Humbug box set!

Amanda: This was wild.

Sarah: Isn’t this wild?

Amanda: Yeah. I feel, I still feel like you made the, the right choice though.

Sarah: Thank you! I appreciate your –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – your confirming my, my choices here, because this was very difficult! It was –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – it’s really hard to be like, I need to go and find a cover to snark, because usually the snark arrives to us.

Amanda: At your doorstep, yeah.

Sarah: Yeah, it literally just shows up in the inbox.

Amanda: Delivered.

Sarah: It is, it is delivered. I have a lot of Cover Snark delivery, and it’s nice! I appreciate it very much! There, it, if we’re looking at trends based on what’s happening in covers, there’s going to be a lot of aliens and a lot of firemen. Or mechanics.

Amanda: And vampires?

Sarah: And vampires. Maybe that’s how vampires will come back! It’ll be alien vampires! Or Viking vampire Navy SEAL angels. What are the other, like, jobs that these alien vampires could get? We’ve got a mechanic –

Amanda: Okay, but wait! What makes them qualified? Okay, did they go through school to be a fireman? Did they get qualified, or are we just hiring them based on the fact that they’re, like, superhuman skills and stuff?

Sarah: That’s a good question!

Amanda: ‘Cause once again I’m going back to, like, if I’m a fucking vampire, I’m not going to school for anything anymore.

Sarah: [Laughs] You’re not going to more education?

Amanda: I’m not getting certified to be a mechanic! I’m a fucking vampire and an alien, and this is my life!

Sarah: Okay.

Amanda: That, that, being an alien vampire is an occupation in and of itself, and I don’t need a degree, I don’t need a certification, I don’t need jack shit. I’m sitting on my ass and being a little rich weirdo. That’s my job!

Sarah: [Laughs] It’s, it’s actually a good question about life goals. If you woke up tomorrow and were an immortal, wealthy, alien vampire, what would you do? Would you, would you go to work? Would you quit? Would you, would you resign?

Amanda: I’d pay off my student loans! That’s it. I’d probably still keep working for Sarah. It’s not exactly a hardship.

Sarah: Aw, well, thank you; I appreciate that.

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: You don’t have to say that ‘cause I’m the one here who will edit this. Sarah is a monster alien vampire!

[Laughter]

Amanda: But yeah, like, I don’t think I would do anything else. I’d probably quit everything; I don’t need to do this. Pay off my loans from getting my master’s degree. That, like, it’s not a sexy answer, but.

Sarah: I mean, you could also be a mechanic and a fireman!

Amanda: I, but would I want to?

Sarah: No.

Amanda: It’s hot! It’s hot out! What would I want to be a mechanic or a fireman for?

Sarah: It’s hot! Yeah, and there’s no air conditioning.

Amanda: Yeah!

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: No!

Sarah: Well, thank you for live Cover Snark.

Amanda: You’re welcome!

Sarah: That was truly delightful.

Amanda: I think we’re leaving with more questions than answers.

Sarah: We are, we really are, but I think we should do this again.

Amanda: That’s the spirit of Cover Snark though.

Sarah: I think we should do this again.

Amanda: Yeah. For – I feel like a, a good Cover Snark gives you more questions than –

Sarah: It, it always, and it always has more questions than answers.

Amanda: You, you want to wake up in the middle of the night –

Sarah: Yeah!

Amanda: – and be like, what –

Sarah: Yeah!

Amanda: – is the deal with those alien vampires?

Sarah: Why were they green, and how did they get those formfitting suits, and how do they get them off; they look like jumpsuits but don’t have any attachment in the front?

Amanda: Like, does being an alien or a vampire give them additional skills that are better suited for firemen?

Sarah: Right, yeah! Or mechanic-ry, mechanicalling –

Amanda: Yeah!

Sarah: – mechanic-ing.

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: Also, we never found out exactly what the deal was with Kevin, with the last set of Cover Snarks. We never found out who Kevin was and what was happening.

Amanda: Every so often Kevin will cross my mind.

Sarah: What happened with Kevin?!

Amanda: Like, are you Kevin?

Sarah: [Laughs] Which one of these animals is Kevin?

Amanda: Who’s Kevin?

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: We need to talk about Kevin.

Sarah: We need to talk about Kevin and all of these animals!

[music]

Sarah: And that brings us to the end of this episode, and like I said, I think we have a lot of questions, like which M is the preg in the M/M/Mpreg, and do they have to pay royalties to Crash Test Dummies for mm/mm/mmpreg? If you woke up tomorrow as a wealthy, immortal, alien vampire, what would you do? What would you do with your life as a wealthy, immortal, alien vampire? Would you put on coveralls and be a paramedic/firefighter? I mean, everyone has a dream, right? You, you do you. [Laughs] What is the job market for alien vampires? We have so many questions!

And if you have answers, we want to know what you think. You can email us at [email protected] or Sarah with an H at Smart Bitches, Trashy Books dot com [[email protected]]; they both go to the same place, and we love to hear from you!

As always, I end every episode with a terrible joke, and this joke has a challenge for you. Are you ready? This joke comes from Tara, who got it from the Westfield Athenaeum, which is a great word, athenaeum, big fan.

How many librarians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Give up? How many librarians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Six hundred and forty-five point five. And do you know why?

Well, I’m not going to tell you; that’s why I’m terrible. If you know why it takes 645.5 librarians to screw in a light bulb, email me, and the first person to email me at [email protected] with the correct answer will get a sticker, and I will send the sticker anywhere in the world, so come and win a sticker by telling me why does it take 645.5 librarians to screw in a light bulb. And thank you to Tara and to the Westfield Athenaeum for this amazingly silly trivia joke; I love it so much.

On behalf of everyone here, we wish you the very best of reading. Have a wonderful weekend, and we will see you back here next week.

Smart Podcast, Trashy Books is part of the Frolic Podcast Network. You can find outstanding podcasts to subscribe to at frolic.media/podcasts.

[fun music]