511. Cover Snark Live: Long Thumbs and Shifter Mayhem with Amanda

[music]

Sarah Wendell: Hello there, friend. Thank you for inviting me into your eardrums today. I hope all is well and tranquil with you, and if you are looking for some laughter, well, today we have plenty. This is episode number 511 of Smart Podcast, Trashy Books. I’m Sarah Wendell, and today Amanda and I are doing something new and a little special. We received an email from Lisa in Shrewsbury – hi, Lisa! Lisa sent us two contenders for Cover Snark, so we are doing Cover Snark Live! We’re going to look at covers – ‘cause you know podcasting is a very visual medium – we’re going to look at covers and talk about them. You can check the show notes for a link to the covers, you can see them on the website, but tell us what you notice first.

And a very special Happy Belated Birthday to Lisa. Thank you for these covers! The wild thumbs and the shifter bonanza was the gift that you gave us! Thank you for emailing us.

You know if you want to email us covers you can do that, right? You can email me bad jokes, you can email me funky covers: Sarah with an H at Smart Bitches, Trashy Books dot com [Sarah@smartbitchestrashybooks.com] or sbjpodcast@gmail.com. They end up in the same place, and I love hearing from you.

Thank you, as always, to garlicknitter for our nifty transcripts, and thank you to the Patreon community of this podcast, which makes sure that every episode has a transcript! You keep me going ‘cause seasons! I don’t do seasons! I just keep going on and on and on, thanks to you, so if you would like to support the show have a look at patreon.com/SmartBitches. Monthly pledges start at a dollar; if you buy a year you get a discount. It’s very nifty. But take a look at patreon.com/SmartBitches, and hello and thank you again to the Patreon community.

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As I mentioned, I will have links to these covers, and they will be included in the show notes at smartbitchestrashybooks.com/podcast, so, you know, fire up your little phone device and take a look with us at this awesome Cover Snark Live.

[music]

Sarah: I, I can see the dog barking on my waveform. Thanks, Buzz!

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: So basically it’s a nice day, and all my neighbors have their dogs out, and we live in a cul de sac, so they just sort of, like, have their own little private dog park. They’re all big –

Amanda: Yeah!

Sarah: – they’re all labs, they’re all just like eighty percent goofball, and they just chase each other around, and this just drives my dogs bananas: they do not love it.

All right, so we have Cover Snark Live over the podcast!

Amanda: Oh my goodness.

Sarah: I will put –

Amanda: First time we’re doing this!

Sarah: I know. See how it works. Okay!

So this email is from Lisa.

Amanda: Thank you, Lisa!

Lisa’s email: Hi, Sarah and Amanda. Long time Smart Bitch, first time emailer here. My name is Lisa; I live in Shrewsbury, England; and I’m fifty-one in four days; and I’m a romance junkie. I want to thank you and the Bitchery at large –

Sarah’s Dogs: Woof, woof!

Sarah: And my dogs.

Lisa’s email: – for introducing me to some fantastic books over the last must be nearly three years now. You helped me through the pandemic, listening to the podcast and reading some wonderful books.

Buzz: Bark, bark, bark, bark!

Sarah: Jesus Christ, Buzz.

Lisa’s email: I don’t have a large circle of in-the-flesh friends, but listening to the podcast episodes, the ones with you and Amanda having fun particularly –

Sarah: Hello!

Lisa’s email: – make me feel –

Amanda: Aw, hi!

Lisa’s email: – like there are people out there that I connect with, and I really appreciate that.

I am attaching a couple of contenders for Cover Snark.

Amanda: Oh boy.

Sarah: So she attaches two covers for Cover Snark, and I will share them with you in just a moment, and then Lisa said:

Lisa’s email: I’m looking forward to the next five hundred episodes. Lots of best wishes, Lisa.

Sarah: So I emailed back, and I said, hey, can I use this email on a podcast? And Lisa replied, update:

Lisa’s email: Oh my gosh, I would love to get a mention on the podcast!

Sarah: Hi, Lisa! I hope your birthday was awesome!

Amanda: Hi, Lisa!

Sarah: We’re very pleased to be your friends; you can totally hang out with us.

Lisa’s email: My birthday was A Lot –

Sarah: – she says.

Lisa’s email: We were on day two of moving flat, luckily in the same block, but the stairs with my crates and crates and crates of books were killer. We were too knackered to cook so got a pizza, and I’m planning to have steak and chips – fries, not crisps – on the Sunday.

Amanda: That sounds delicious.

Sarah: Steak and fries it’s one of my favorite dinners.

Amanda: And pizza!

Sarah: And pizza.

Amanda: Either/or!

Lisa’s email: And then the cooker in the new place wasn’t working, so pizza again, because there’s no such thing as too much pizza.

Sarah: We agree! We support this decision.

Lisa’s email: I’m rereading Celia Lake’s books. I found them through Catherine’s review of Eclipse, and I will be forever grateful to her. I was so sad to hear the news of her death, and I know your many happy memories of her will be a blessing. Lots of love and hugs and squishes for Wilbur from Lisa.

Sarah: Hi, Lisa! We’re so excited that you emailed us. This, this whole episode is just about you and the covers you sent me.

Amanda: I want some steak now.

Sarah: You want some –

Amanda: I haven’t had a good steak in a while.

Sarah: I love a good steak.

So Lisa sent us two covers, and –

Amanda: I’m ready. I’m ready, Lisa.

Sarah: – we have a mildly bonkers one and then an absolutely off-the-chain amazing bonkers one.

Amanda: Mmmm!

Sarah: So I will start with this one. The first cover is Tales of Fire and Embers, and you know –

Amanda: That isn’t so bad! [Laughs]

Sarah: – you look at, you, you look at it – so first of all, the two people on the cover just, they’re having a bad day!

Amanda: They look so upset.

Sarah: They look –

Amanda: They look so over whatever they were doing in these catacombs.

Sarah: Like, they’re not happy to be here. They are not happy.

Amanda: No, certainly not!

Sarah: But what Lisa drew my attention to was Tales of Fire and Embers, it’s the hands. They make no sense! One of them doesn’t have a thumb, just two weird index fingers, so it’s no wonder that they have a sad!

Amanda: What is happening –

Sarah: They’re –

Amanda: – with that one hand up front? It’s like a very long thumb? Like, what, do you see what it –

Sarah: Yeah! Yeah, there’s like a long thumb –

Amanda: What is –

Sarah: – or maybe it’s two fingers and there is no thumb? It –

Amanda: And then she, she has a uniboob.

Sarah: Okay, I was just about to point out that she has one breast in the center of her chest.

Amanda: [Laughs] One –

Sarah: It’s just the one.

Amanda: – center.

Sarah: And it is perfectly round. That’s a circle.

Amanda: You could have shifted the title up so the entire thing –

Sarah: Yeah.

Amanda: – is in that blank black –

Sarah: Yeah, there’s –

Amanda: – negative space.

Sarah: There’s a lot of ceiling in the cover that doesn’t make sense, but the hands? Like, the longer you stare at it, the more you notice, like, whoa, wait a minute!

Amanda: The way it’s jointed reminds me of, like –

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: – articulated, like, puppet, like marionette hands.

Sarah: Ohhh!

Amanda: So you have, like, each – that’s what it reminds me of, like, wooden marionette hands.

Sarah: And if you look at his hand in the background –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – so he’s holding a sword down by his, by, down by his side –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – his thumb is also preposterously long.

Amanda: Very long thumbs.

Sarah: Like, what do you do with thumbs that long? Can you, are you better at videogames? Is this like when pianists have a really long wingspan for their fingers; they can reach more than an octave? If you have really big thumbs are you, like, really fast on a, on a Joy-Con or something?

Amanda: Why are they so sad, though? It’s giving me, like, Mondays, am I right?

Sarah: [Laughs] Like –

Amanda: It’s like they’re having the worst morning!

Sarah: – he looks annoyed, and she just looks depressed. She just looks –

Amanda: So upset.

Sarah: – so sad. Fine, I have to –

Amanda: I still, like –

Sarah: – tell you my tales of fire and ember. I guess I can. Oh my God. Yeah.

Amanda: The uniboob I, my eyes keep –

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: – getting drawn to the single center boob.

Sarah: It’s right in the middle! It’s, like, right on top of her sternum!

Amanda: The single boob.

Sarah: And there’s no –

Amanda: And the hair? Like –

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: – floats around the boob, frames the boob.

Sarah: So – [laughs] – it’s just so funny; the more I look at it, the more I’m like, wait a minute!

Amanda: And then there’s some weird coloration happening –

Sarah: Yeah, a little –

Amanda: – around the neck/boob area.

Sarah: Yep. And he has some kind of a red mark right in the middle of his chest above his shirt –

Amanda: Yeah, like, a, a rash.

Sarah: – where the shirt is open? Yeah, he’s got a little, I mean, he needs a little cortisone.

Amanda: How long have they been down in these tunnels?

Sarah: They look so miserable. Like, you, it’s like you showed up and they’re like, we have been down here fighting big fucking spiders, and instead of letting us out you want us to tell you our tale of fire and ember. Fine. I guess. Okay. [Laughs]

Amanda: She’s got good hair, though. They both have good hair!

Sarah: Great hair! I mean, their hair is for, for being in wherever dungeon they’re in, there’s lots of cobwebs, their hair looks great! The, the –

Amanda: Great hair.

Sarah: – the uniboob is a perky uniboob. A very perky, round one.

Amanda: Right in the middle.

Sarah: Right, just right in the middle of her, like, stuck on. If you look closely, actually, one of the shadows gives you a hint of nipple dead center.

Amanda: Oh my God, it does!

Sarah: Yeah, there’s a, there’s a hint of nipple.

So as a, as a cover, this is a very sneaky snark. Like, you’re like, oh, okay – wait a minute.

Amanda: Yeah, I’ve been doing a lot of zooming in –

Sarah: Yeah!

Amanda: – for sure.

Sarah: [Laughs] This is, this is one of those –

Amanda: Gotta look at those fingers again!

Sarah: Yeah, like, what’s with the thumbs? Why are they long? Why is her boob in the middle of her chest? How, how, how are they so sad? What is going on?

But this is one of those covers where you look at it, and then the longer you look at it you’re like, wow, I – don’t look at this while you’re high; you’ll never look away!

Amanda: Oh no!

Sarah: You’ll never look away!

Amanda: Certainly not!

Sarah: No! So this is an excellent contender for Cover Snark, I agree, Lisa, because you look at it, at first glance it’s like, oh, okay, wait. And then you look at it again and you’re like, thumbs?

Amanda: You really ha-, yeah –

Sarah: Boobs?

Amanda: – no, you really have to blow it up and, and get in on the details. [Laughs]

Sarah: Yeah. It’s a, it’s a – whoo! That’s, that’s a – don’t worry –

Amanda: Google it!

Sarah: – these, these covers will be in the show notes. Yeah, okay! So that’s a cover.

Amanda: Okay. Now for the next one.

Sarah: All right, so that’s cover number one. This is cover number two. So I will describe this without the specifics. You know, ‘cause podcasting is famously a very visual medium. There is a dude –

Amanda: I’m sorry, I just realized that the – [laughs] – like, cover was named No Opposable Thumb; I Haz a Sad.

Sarah: Yes! [Laughs]

Amanda: Dot JPG. I’m sorry.

[Laughter]

Sarah: Yep.

Amanda: It’s – okay.

Sarah: Yep, yep! No Opposable Thumb; I Haz a Sad. Yep!

Amanda: Hmm!

Sarah: Lisa is hilarious. All right, so this file, called “That Ain’t No Bluebird” –

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: – is, is really, really something.

Amanda: Oh God, okay.

Sarah: And it is exquisite. All right. So there’s a dude –

Amanda: Mm-hmm.

Sarah: – and there, there’s a bit of a menagerie. So I’m going to send this to you, and I want you to describe it for, for everybody, okay?

Amanda: Mmm, God, okay.

Sarah: Okay.

Amanda: I do have to write all of the ALT descriptions for the Cover Snarks that we do –

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: – and that –

Sarah: Isn’t that fun?

Amanda: It’s a wild time. Okay.

Sarah: It is, it is, it is – yeah.

[Laughter]

Sarah: Are you okay?

Amanda: I don’t know what I was expecting, but it certainly – [laughs] – was not this!

Sarah: Yep!

Amanda: Okay.

Sarah: Yep!

Amanda: Let me –

Sarah: [Laughs] Okay.

Amanda: – let me set the scene!

Sarah: All right, so –

Amanda: There is, there’s a shirtless man –

Sarah: Yep. How many abs?

Amanda: – with a –

Sarah: I’m counting nine.

Amana: I feel like it’s a safe bet. It’s like how many jelly beans are in this jar?

Sarah: Yes.

Amanda: Like, how many –

Sarah: How many abs are on this guy?

Amanda: [Laughs] Closest gets a twenty-five dollars Applebee’s gift card.

[Laughter]

Amanda: Okay. He has a very severe haircut, very aggressive crew cut.

Sarah: I bet his hair is, I bet his hair is very crispy.

Amanda: It is, yeah. Oh yeah. Really crinkly.

Sarah: It has to be crispy, right? [Laughs]

Amanda: Very crispy.

Sarah: Like you put your hands in his hair and it goes – [crinkly noises].

Amanda: Yeah!

Sarah: Yeah.

Amanda: I’m assuming he’s nude from the waist down, but it’s being covered by, like, smoky, glowy water or just smoke?

Sarah: Steam?

Amanda: Something’s happening. Steam?

Sarah: Something’s – steam.

Amanda: Something’s happening below the crotch. Something magical? Who knows?

Sarah: Yeah, yeah.

Amanda: And then there’s just a, lots of animals.

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: So resting, resting on his right forearm is maybe like a baby ocelot? Some kind of jungle cat just perched on his forearm.

Sarah: Yep, just sitting there. And his arms are out and flexed? Like, his, he’s got his hands in fists?

Amanda: Like a power stance, yeah.

Sarah: Yes, and he’s, it’s like halfway between abdominal flexion and T-pose?

Amanda: Yes. He, like, got halfway up, and he’s like, no, this is good enough.

Sarah: Yeah, yeah.

Amanda: And then as we make our way up the arm, on the shoulder is a platypus.

Sarah: [Laughs] Which is not what you want, because they have a very poisonous, like, I think it’s a claw? They can poison you! It’s very bad!

Amanda: Oh boy, okay. Well, maybe –

Sarah: Yeah, they have poisonous –

Amanda: – maybe he’s hallucinating –

Sarah: They have –

Amanda: – from the poison, and that’s the smoke. And then as we continue up the body –

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: – perched atop his very severe haircut –

Sarah: Crispy!

Amanda: – is a hedgehog.

Sarah: It matches his hair!

Amanda: Look, a crispy animal for a crispy haircut.

Sarah: Yep, and he’s, he’s looking up at it like, is there a hedgehog on my head? What’s happening up there?

Amanda: Okay, see, I’m interpreting him looking up at yet another animal –

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: – on the cover. A bald eagle flying in –

Sarah: Yep.

Amanda: – from – the full moon is behind the eagle.

Sarah: Yeah.

Amanda: Very strong image, imagery here. I thought he was looking up at the eagle, ‘cause –

Sarah: Nooo! Maybe you’re right!

Amanda: – the eagle’s talons are out!

Sarah: You know, you may be right. He’s like, don’t you fucking touch my hedgehog that’s on my – don’t you touch my hair-hog. That’s my hair hedgehog.

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: My hair-hog, you may not take it away.

Amanda: A hair-hog!

Sarah: You do not take it!

Amanda: And –

Sarah: Airboat and the Hair-Hog. That’s the name of this episode.

Amanda: If anyone’s listening and thinks, wow, that’s a lot of animals. Surely –

Sarah: But wait!

Amanda: – there, there can’t be any more animals, right?

Sarah: Oh no, there can!

Amanda: Wrong.

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: It’s wrong! And it’s not, probably, if you had to list animals that frequently show up on book covers, right –

Sarah: And to recap here –

Amanda: – a bear, number one, of course.

Sarah: Right, bears, bears and, and –

Amanda: Cougar, like a panther?

Sarah: – cougars, panthers –

Amanda: A wolf.

Sarah: – big, big cats. Big cats. Big cats generally. Yep, wolves.

Amanda: This animal would probably not register in your top ten.

Sarah: And to recap, we have an ocelot, a platypus, a hedgehog, and a bald eagle.

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: So what do you think is number five here? If you had to guess –

Amanda: Bringing up the rear –

Sarah: Bringing up – [laughs] – I know! That’s not what you want!

Amanda: [Laughs] Bringing up the rear in this Noah’s ark we have here –

Sarah: [Laughs more] I wouldn’t advise this animal get behind you, but that’s just me!

Amanda: [Also laughs more] – is an, an elephant, my friends.

[Laughter]

Sarah: And it’s just like, hey, how you doing? It’s got its, it’s got its little trunk up, so its –

Amanda: The trunk is up.

Sarah: – little trunk is touching its little forehead, and it’s like, hey, what’s up?

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: How you doing?

Amanda: And it appears to be emerging from a forest.

Sarah: Yes, under a full moon.

Amanda: There are some trees and foliage. Yeah.

Sarah: But if you notice, on the right side of the top of the cover is a full moon, and on the left side is the sun shining through a forest, so we have some really interesting weather going on –

Amanda: Mmm!

Sarah: – with all of these shifters.

Amanda: And of course, let’s not forget the weird, smoky magic water.

Sarah: Yes, there’s weird, smoky magic water dissolving his legs.

Amanda: And the title looks like it’s made out of metal, so there’s –

Sarah: Yes.

Amanda: – there’s glares coming across – one, two, three, four, five – six letters are casting some shiny glare.

Sarah: Yeah.

Amanda: So the moon or the sun, we don’t know.

Sarah: I believe those are called flares in, maybe it’s Photoshop flare. I don’t know, but it’s called –

Amanda: Flare.

Sarah: – Shifters for a Cause: A Shifter Auction Shared World Collection, and I just looked and I don’t see this on Amazon, so I don’t know if it’s, was a limited time only?

Amanda: It could have been taken down.

Sarah: It could have been a limited-time-only thing?

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: I, I want to call your attention to the platypus.

Amanda: Please do.

Sarah: Okay, so –

Amanda: Yes. Yeah.

Sarah: – one thing I have learned about having children is that you can often identify the age of someone’s kids by the kid’s popular culture with which the parent is most familiar. So I –

Amanda: Is this a Phineas and Ferb reference we’re going to have here?

Sarah: Yes, it is.

Amanda: Okay, I had a feeling.

Sarah: That is a Phineas and Ferb reference we’re going to have here, ‘cause I was the end of peak Wiggles? Peak original-recipe Wiggles; the Wiggles have reinvented like Menudo. But I was the end of peak original-recipe Wiggles and Phineas and Ferb. And then I see kids out now who are, like, really young, and there’s, like, there was Paw Patrol, and now there’s a big, I think it’s Bluey? Bluey is big now. I, I don’t know who any –

Amanda: That’s a dog, right?

Sarah: Yes! And I have no idea what any of these shows are. Like, if my neighbors who have little kids tell me about television programming, I’m just like, what are you, what are you even talking about? So kids, when you raise children or you have young people in your life, you get very familiar with specific pieces of pop culture –

Amanda: Mm-hmm.

Sarah: – so I, by virtue of having parented my kids through the heyday of Phineas and Ferb, know a lot about platypuses. But the thing about a platypus: so you know how in some shifter lore there’s cat shifters, and then even in human form they have barbs on their dicks?

Amanda: Yes!

Sarah: You know, ‘cause cats have barbed penises?

Amanda: Yes.

Sarah: Okay, so platypuses have a poisonous spur claw. Like it, below one of its flippers in the back, they have a claw that has an absolutely awful, awful venom, and they have a poisonous spur. So I want to know if a platypus shifter is in human form, do they have, like, an ex- – wait a minute, maybe this is why those other people have extra-long thumbs, because it’s a poisonous spur. Maybe they’re related! [Laughs] Amanda’s giving me a very dubious look.

Amanda: Mm-mm.

Sarah: I am confused about platypus shifters, and I’m confused about hedgehog shifters, and I’m confused how all of these animals are hanging out and what this guy is doing.

Amanda: So my brain –

Sarah: All right, so tell me your theory here. [Laughs]

Amanda: Well, not necessarily a theory but, like, I feel like we’re both focusing on the platypus, and one thing that, like, I can’t get out of my head is that the platypus walking around on this oily man’s skin –

Sarah: Right!

Amanda: – and just the, the sound of his webbed feet slapping –

Sarah: plap-plap-plap-plap-plap

Amanda: – against –

Sarah: plap-plap-plap-plap-plap

Amanda: – his skin like, you know, you hear, like, duck feet on a tile floor or something. I don’t know why that image and sound is in my brain, but it’s –

[Laughter]

Amanda: We’re losing our minds.

Sarah: Yep! This cover has just sent us right over the edge.

Amanda: I feel like this is also one of those images where there’s, like, a lot going on, and you’re like, tag yourself!

Sarah: Yep, tag your- – [laughs].

Amanda: Which one are you?

Sarah: All right, Amanda: tag yourself. Which one are you? Are you crispy hat hedgehog? Are you the hedge-hat?

Amanda: I’m, I’m not the hair-hog. I think –

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: – I am the suspicious ocelot.

Sarah: You are the suspicious ocelot. The ocelot’s ears –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – are turned in such a way where it’s like, why am I on –

Amanda: And its eyes are kind of, like, squinty? It’s like –

Sarah: Right. Like –

Amanda: – look, something is amiss, and –

Sarah: Do I need to, do I need to destroy whatever’s in front of me? Why am I perched on this guy’s arm? Is he holding onto my tail? Like, there’s a lot going on, and also the –

Amanda: And that –

Sarah: – the shifty, gooey, smoky stuff is partially covering the ocelot, so we can’t necessarily see, like, is it claws into this guy’s arm? Is it – it’s, it’s a very, it’s a very unconvincing Photoshop because none of these are lit from the same direction. They’re all clearly put there without any shadow or blending, and so this, this ocelot is not perched on a guy’s forearm. Like, unless this guy doesn’t mind deep claw gouges, that cat’s not staying put! No, not a chance!

Amanda: But, like, I also feel like the cat is the only one that looks like it’s ready to get the fuck out of there.

Sarah: [Laughs] Yeah! All those –

Amanda: Like, the platypus seems pretty chill, hedgehog seems fine, but both the eagle and elephant look like they’re just showing up to the party. They’re like –

Sarah: Yeah, the elephant’s trunk, it’s like, it’s like the human equivalent of having your wrist to your forehead, like, oh, this is all too much.

Amanda: But they’re, they’re like they’re just making the entrance, whereas the ocelot’s like, look, I’ve been here ten minutes already. I got like, I’m done. I put in my time; I’m out. Like –

Sarah: I’ve got to go. I’ve got to go; it’s enough!

Amanda: Yeah, you said the party started at eight? I was here at 7:58. I’m done. We’re, we’re done.

Sarah: This has been enough. There’s no chairs; I’ve got to go. There’s no chairs! I’m not, I can’t stay.

Amanda: There’s no chairs!

Sarah: [Laughs] I’m perched on this guy’s arm!

Amanda: I’m just sitting on a forearm! That wasn’t in the invitation!

Sarah: Yeah, I didn’t know I’d have to bring my own chair. If you tell me to bring my own chair, I’ve got folding chairs, but nobody told me, so now I’m claws into this guy’s wrist, and that’s, that’s my seat. That’s not fun.

Amanda: Yeah, so I would be, I think, like, ocelot. The ocelot vibes – show up early, leave early.

Sarah: [Laughs] I think I would be the hedgehog, only because the position of the little hedgehog’s feet make it look like a cat that’s making biscuits, and so the hedgehog is like, oh yeah, this is some good crispy hair! Maybe this is a, a hair –

Amanda: It’s like, I’m getting, I’m settling in for the night!

Sarah: Yeah.

Amanda: I’m, I’m nesting.

Sarah: Going to take a little nap on this guy’s head. He’s not going to mind.

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: I’m just going to burrow into these little spiky hairs. Maybe he thinks it’s another hedgehog? Maybe it’s spiky enough –

Amanda: Oooh!

Sarah: – that the hedgehog’s like, ooh, hey, baby. Want to, want to stroke my beard? Let me – and then just making a little bit of a love nest with his little feeties?

Amanda: Now, do we think this man is also a shifter but hasn’t shifted in his form yet?

Sarah: Wait, wait, wait, wait! If he’s a shifter, is this like a menu? Is this like when you’re playing Mario Kart and you get all of the bombs and all of the things in a little thing that spins around you as you drive, and you have to choose which one you want while you’re driving and trying to avoid little cars? Is this like a menu of shifter options?

Amanda: What, you think you just Blue Shell the hedgehog? Just, like, toss it at a cart?

Sarah: [Laughs] It’s going to Blue Shell the fuck out of that hedgehog! No, like, is this his menu, like he has to choose which shifter he is? Maybe he’s all of these!

Amanda: Oh, I, my – [laughs] –

Sarah: Maybe he’s all of these animals!

Amanda: My brain went to, like, like a fuck menu? Like, which one he’s going to have sex with?

[Laughter]

Sarah: No, which one he’s going to shift into! Not in to! Like, which one he’s going to transform into! Not like a fuck menu! [Laughs] No, we’re not, we’re not have, this isn’t a fuck menu. Oh my God.

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: Lisa? Lisa, we, we, we are deeply thankful for this cover. I mean, I could go for hours looking at this. I mean, I love the thumbs –

Amanda: Imagine, like, going into, like, an Arby’s and be like, I’d like to order from the secret fuck menu, please.

[Laughter]

Amanda: Excuse me, ma’am?!

Sarah: So if this is his shifter menu – I mean, we could go with both directions here – if this is his shifter menu, he’s trying to decide which animal he wants to shift into, and maybe they’re all trying to, like, cozy up to him and convince him to join them? Like, no, man, you want to be a platypus.

Amanda: Like, which, like, pack to affiliate with.

Sarah: Exactly. He is an open shifter –

Amanda: Hmmm!

Sarah: – and can shift in any direction; which one will he join? So, like, the ocelot’s like, look, I’m tense; I’m scary; I’m going to eat whatever’s running around on the floor over there.

Amanda: But the oc-, you know, like, the ocelot’s that, that, like, person who’s like, I don’t even want to be here anyway. Like –

Sarah: Yeah. Like, okay, I’m done now. The platypus is like, poisonous spurs, man; I’m about to stick it in your shoulder. Your trapezius is going to be in some pain in a minute. The hedgehog is like, ooh, crispy hair, I like you. The eagle is like –

Amanda: Hedgehog is friendly, for sure.

Sarah: Yeah, the eagle, like, the wings are out, the claws –

Amanda: It’s –

Sarah: – are out, it’s looking fierce. It’s like, look, bitch –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – you shift into an eagle. You can fly and you’ve got claws.

Amanda: I think he’s going to go eagle.

Sarah: And the elephant is like, I’m huge! Big and huge! Can’t fuck with me. I’m big and huge. And he’s, like, looking up at the sky like, which one do I choose?

Amanda: It’s a tough choice.

Sarah: I mean –

Amanda: I think he’s going to go Team Eagle.

Sarah: You think he’s going to go Team – he is looking at the eagle like, yeah –

Amanda: I know.

Sarah: – that looks good. Either that or he’s trying to figure out what’s making a nest in his hair. I mean, he could be trying to figure out –

Amanda: That’s true! He’s like, I feel something, but I can’t see it.

Sarah: [Laughs] So I told you the cicada story, right?

Amanda: Yes!

Sarah: Yeah. That’s what’s happening here, except instead of a cicada crawling up over his shoulder – [laughs] – it’s a hedgehog in his hair, and he can’t –

Amanda: A hedgehog.

Sarah: – and his hair is so stiff he can’t quite feel it?

Amanda: Can you imagine, like, feeling something, you’re like, what the fuck is crawling on me? And you look over and it’s a Goddamn hedgehog.

Sarah: I’d be like, ah! Ooh, how cute! I’ve never seen one live.

Amanda: It’s, like, not what I thought.

Sarah: Oh no, I have seen one live! I went to a hedgehog café in Japan; it was very cute.

Amanda: What? I want to go there!

Sarah: Yeah. Hedgehog –

Amanda: I want to go to there!

Sarah: Hedgehog café was very cute, and the owl café was very cool.

Amanda: Mm.

Sarah: So I think you’re right; I think he’s going eagle.

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: But if he was picking which an-, which shifter to have sex with, I’m not sure which way he would go. And I’m presuming that (a) everyone is consenting and (b) the size and power differential would be mitigated by one of them turning into a human? It’s what I’m going to go here for my own comfort?

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: Yeah.

Amanda: No. God I hope so.

Sarah: Yeah, right? But I think if he’s choosing to transform into an eagle, the partner he will want to bone down with would be the ocelot.

Amanda: You think so!

Sarah: I think this guy looks like he would go for the person who is least interested in him, and that ocelot is like, your form is doing nothing for me, and I want to go home now.

Amanda: I feel like the ocelot’s the most dangerous. I feel like that’s a –

Sarah: Yet another reason for him to go for, you know, ocelot time.

Amanda: What is that, whisky? Suntory? It’s Suntory time?

Sarah: Suntory time? It’s ocelot time?

Amanda: It’s ocelot time?

Sarah: [Laughs] Lisa, these are excellent covers!

Amanda: Oh boy.

Sarah: Yeah! And I’m, I’m kind of bummed this book isn’t offered anymore, because now I want to know – let me google it; maybe I’ll just try one more time. Shifters for a Cause.

Amanda: There’s no author on it, which makes me think it was like a big anthology or something.

Sarah: Shifters for a Cause: A Shifter Auction Shared World – it has a 4.4 rating on Goodreads!

Amanda: Hmm!

Sarah: Interesting! So –

Amanda: When did it come out? Let’s see.

Sarah: [Hums fanfare] Came out September 28th, 2021.

Amanda: Oh!

Sarah: It takes a village. Okay, here’s the cover copy: “When ten-year-old Kevin –“

Amanda: Is this Kevin?!

Sarah: That’s not a ten-year-old!

Amanda: Is he Kevin? [Laughs]

Sarah: That’s –

Amanda: Is that supposed to be Kevin?

Sarah: I’m not prepared for extremely muscular men who are ten years – like, what?! All right, so I already have questions. It’s only –

Amanda: Okay, ‘course.

Sarah: – like five or six words in. “When ten-year-old Kevin comes down with Uniform Shifter’s Disease – a blood disorder that would eventually prevent him from shifting between his animal form and his human – one small town will band together and do whatever it takes to fight an insidious disease affecting the shifters who live among them.

“From Wolves to Dragons to Possums, and everything in between, the single shifters are going up for auction!”

I have some questions. “Sold to the highest bidders, for 24 hours anything goes – and some might even find their fated mates.

“When times get tough, the tough get dates with sexy shifters, all for a good cause.”

Amanda: Okay, the cover copy makes it seem like this man is Kevin.

Sarah: [Laughs] His name is very confused! So according to the reviews, each short story surrounds a different type of shifter, and there is a Polar Bear, which people really tend to go with, but I am very confused as to what – all right, so –

Amanda: It’s like a charity auction event, so they’re, I guess they’re raising money for Kevin –

Sarah: To fight Uniform Shifter’s Disease.

Amanda: Yeah, for Kevin, and –

Sarah: For Kevin, and this isn’t Kevin.

Amanda: – they’re, it’s like a –

Sarah: I really hope this isn’t Kevin on the cover.

Amanda: It’s like a bachelor auction, right?

Sarah: Right.

Amanda: And you, like, bid on the eligible bachelors, and you go on a date where “anything goes!”

Sarah: Ugh!

Amanda: And maybe you’ll get lucky and your date will be your Fated Mate. Great.

Sarah: First of all, I feel like assigning an auction monetary value to different shifters is just going to cause a lot of hurt feelings, and I want to head that off. Like, I don’t want a shifter to feel bad –

Amanda: Yeah, I feel like an auction scenario –

Sarah: Is going to cause a lot of hurt feelings! I mean, if you are a Dragon you’ve got this in the bag, whereas the Platypus and the Hedgehog shifters, like, that’s, that’s a bit of a –

Amanda: Maybe not!

Sarah: – that’s a bit of a hard sell. There is apparently Wolves to Dragons to Possums. Possums.

Amanda: I love a little trash goblin, for sure.

Sarah: Right? But, like, in terms of auction, like, you’re going to auction for twenty-four hours of, of anything goes, and maybe this is your Fated Mate?

Amanda: Maybe you just have to hope that their, their human form is very attractive, and you’re like, oh, and he can also transform into a Possum, which is like a cool party trick, but, like, you have to –

Sarah: You’d never have to take out the trash!

Amanda: Ooh, it’d be like, you can just eat the trash.

Sarah: Right!

Amanda: For sure.

Sarah: For sure! Dragons would be a bit difficult.

Amanda: So maybe that’s the case.

Sarah: Dragons would be a bit of a challenge. Wolves, okay. Ocelots, fine. Hedgehogs, great. Eagles. That would be a challenge to keep in the house. I’m pres-, okay, I have to presume that a bird shifter has sphincter control in the house. That, I have to presume, is a carryover from the human side. They’re not just –

Amanda: Okay, but –

Sarah: – pooping everywhere.

Amanda: – listen: I haven’t read a shifter book in a while, especially not a bird shifter.

Sarah: Wow!

Amanda: But birds have cloacas –

Sarah: That’s –

Amanda: – the all-purpose hole.

Sarah: That’s true; they do have a cloaca. Ooh, good point, good point. Well, I’m presuming they have sphincter control and they don’t just poop whenever they want. That’s my –

Amanda: I hope not.

Sarah: – that’s my thing. And then the elephant, like –

Amanda: But also, is this Kevin? I’m still –

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: The only person –

Sarah: This can’t be Kevin.

Amanda: – mentioned in the description –

Sarah: This, so what, what you’re saying is –

Amanda: – is a ten-year-old named Kevin with Uniform Shifter’s Disease.

Sarah: So what you’re saying here is we need to talk about Kevin.

Amanda: We need to talk about Kevin.

Sarah: [Laughs] I don’t think this is Kevin!

Amanda: Especially, like, does Uniform Shifter’s Disease make you look –

Sarah: Like a muscular twenty-year-old?

Amanda: – two times your age and give you –

Sarah: Like a muscular twenty-something?

Amanda: – nine abs?

Sarah: I don’t, I don’t know. My guess is, here’s my interpretation of the cover, my, my, I think: So all of the shifters are all the animals, and this person is bidding on their twenty-four hours of anything goes, which is why they’re looking at the Eagle so curiously, because –

Amanda: Oh, so he’s one of the bidders.

Sarah: He’s one, this is my theory is that that’s one of the bidders –

Amanda: ‘Kay.

Sarah: – that that’s not Kevin.

Amanda: And he’s like, what am I going to go for?

Sarah: [Laughs] I hope it’s not Kevin!

Amanda: I hope it’s not Kevin. But wait! Kevin, so Kevin’s disorder prevents him from shifting between his animal and human forms.

Sarah: Right, and it doesn’t say what his form –

Amanda: So maybe he’s one of the Animals on the cover.

Sarah: [Gasps]

Amanda: Maybe he’s stuck! Maybe he’s the hedgehog!

Sarah: And maybe this guy is like, Kevin? Kevin, is that you? Are you Kevin? Kevin.

Amanda: We’re trying to find Kevin.

Sarah: Stomp your foot if you’re Kevin.

Amanda: It’s, it’s like Home Alone, where they can’t find Kevin at the airport.

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: They’re like, give us Kevin, give us Kevin. They’re like, Kevin’s not here!

Sarah: Kevin’s not here; I can’t help you with this. Oh my gosh. And any minute now, Catherine O’Hara is going to sit up in an airline seat and go –

Amanda: Kevin!

Sarah: – Kevin! [Laughs]

Amanda: So maybe one of the animals is Kevin.

Sarah: Oh my gosh! Maybe one of the animals is Kevin –

Amanda: And he’s stuck!

Sarah: – and they’re trying to figure it out!

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: Wow! Okay.

Amanda: We’re going on a real journey here. [Laughs]

Sarah: I’m wondering what the anthology – is the, is the anthology just about the charity auction in the world, or was the anthology also raising money for a cause?

Amanda: That’s what I’m also curious about.

Sarah: I am looking quickly through the reviews, and I don’t see any specific, like, this, this –

Amanda: Yeah. There aren’t any other editions, either.

Sarah: Yeah, I’m guessing this was just the one.

Amanda: Hmm.

Sarah: Auction off shifters from Possums to Dragons. [Blows out breath.]

Amanda: Wowee.

Sarah: Well, yeah. This, this was a gift. Lisa, this was, this was a gift. I mean, it’s your birthday, but you gave us a present.

Amanda: [Laughs] You gave us Kevin!

Sarah: You gave us Kevin! Or maybe Kevin, Kevin – which, maybe that’s the mystery of this cover: which one of these individuals is Kevin?

Amanda: Which – it’s the hedgehog; it’s got to be the hedgehog!

Sarah: You think Kevin is the hedgehog, and that’s why he’s looking up?

Amanda: One hundred percent!

Sarah: So Kevin is the hedgehog, and this is, this is a dude who is looking up at Kevin like, Kevin, at last I found you. We’re going to, we’re going to –

Amanda: And be like, Kevin, we got you.

Sarah: Yeah, we’re going to, we’re going to –

Amanda: Don’t worry. Don’t worry about it.

Sarah: We’re going to auction off all these animals for some fun and sexy times, all consensual and happy, and we’re going to raise money, and we’re not going to invest too much in the monetary assignation of value.

Amanda: You’re, like –

Sarah: Yeah.

Amanda: You’re putting on a sex auction to raise money for a, a, what, a ten-year-old’s shifter disorder.

Sarah: I almost just spit water all over my desk. Yes, that is apparently what’s happening here! [Laughs]

Amanda: Like, it, it’s like –

Sarah: Kevin, we’re having an auction – ooh!

Amanda: – did they have other ideas that they just nixed, like bake sale? No.

Sarah: Nah.

Amanda: Let’s not bother. Like, you know –

Sarah: Donation, craft, service? No.

Amanda: Fun run? No.

Sarah: No, mm-mm. Turkey Trot?

Amanda: Sex auction?

Sarah: Nope, nope.

Amanda: Ding! Perfect.

Sarah: Nope, nope. There’s no Turkey Trot here: we’re going with sex auction. And it mentions –

Amanda: No, there is a Turkey Trot.

Sarah: Yeah.

Amanda: Just not –

Sarah: Just not that.

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: Not that. Not, like, with running, right. And, I mean, imagine explaining this to Kevin, who’s like, oh wow, there’s going to be an auction? Can I go? Uhhh, no.

Amanda: You going to have sports memorabilia? Can I bid on stuff? Like, mm-mm!

Sarah: Is it going to be a silent auction? Not afterward! Not really! Not, no.

Amanda: Unless they’re into that!

Sarah: Yeah! Unless there’s, you know, some gagging.

Amanda: Anything goes!

Sarah: Anything go- –

Amanda: Even silence!

Sarah: Yeah! Whoo boy! So Kevin is probably aware that there’s a charity auction.

Amanda: Just not –

Sarah: But he can’t go because it’s a sex auction!

Amanda: – the full deets.

Sarah: Oh my God! [Laughs]

Amanda: Jesus!

Sarah: I admire the fulsomeness of this concept. I mean, go big or go home, right?

Amanda: Yeah!

Sarah: Thank you –

Amanda: Go big or go home! Get the Elephant!

Sarah: [Laughs] Can you imagine?

Amanda: Go, go big or go Elephant.

Sarah: Go big or go Elephant. Right. Yeah, for sure! I mean –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – honestly, this is, this is, it’s very fascinating to me that this is absolutely, obviously, a cover where you’re like, okay, hang on a second; but yet we could still look and pick out details of both of these covers for like forty-five minutes.

Amanda: Oh yes, one hundred percent.

Sarah: I think what we need to do also, I think we need to put these covers in the Cover Snark channel and let the other reviewers have a look and not explain to them the concepts? [Laughs] Be like, wait, wait, wait!

Amanda: I will say, the first cover? Needs more Kevin.

[Laughter]

Sarah: That’s the title of the entry is “Cover Snark: Needs More Kevin.”

Amanda: Needs more Kevin!

Sarah: [Laughs] Maybe that’s why they’re so unhappy! They haven’t had a shifter sex auction and there’s no Kevin!

Amanda: We weren’t invited to the shifter sex auction!

Sarah: No wonder they’re so glum! I mean, that guy can –

Amanda: Or maybe they had a Kevin but they lost him in the catacombs.

Sarah: I mean, the guy can shift into a sword, and the, the mopey woman can shift into a boob, and, like, they weren’t invited!

Amanda: Just a single boob.

Sarah: That’s just not fair! How unfortunate to be un-, excluded like that. I mean, you don’t want to leave people –

Amanda: I know.

Sarah: – out of your –

Amanda: Well, maybe they, maybe they would have gotten an invite, but they were trapped in this dungeon!

Sarah: Right, and nobody came to rescue them!

Amanda: And they couldn’t make it.

Sarah: Nobody came to rescue them; that’s very sad!

Amanda: They were too busy planning this auction for Kevin that they forgot about David and Britney in the dungeons!

Sarah: [Laughs] David and Britney! David and Britney, oh Jesus. What a gift! We definitely have to do this again some time.

Amanda: Oh yeah, this is fun.

Sarah: So what’s on, what’s next on your list of things to look forward to?

Amanda: Oh my God! Well, my birthday’s coming up.

Sarah: I know!

Amanda: My birthday’s coming up.

Sarah: I know!

Amanda: I’ve already gotten some birthday taxidermy, which has been nice. I got a cute little tawny-colored bat; I named him Colin.

Sarah: After the energy vampire in What We Do in the Shadows.

Amanda: Yeah!

Sarah: That’s adorable. Oh, are you going to watch Our Flag Means Death?

Amanda: Yes!

Sarah: We started it –

Amanda: Yes, I am!

Sarah: We started it, and I, I was like, hey, younger child, this show’s about gay pirates, and he’s like, I’m interested! And it has –

Amanda: Yeah, I think, think it’s –

Sarah: – Taika Waititi. He’s like, I’m joining you!

Amanda: I’m joining you!

Sarah: Yeah!

Amanda: I think that might be what my next date is on Wednesday. We might just have a chill night and wa-, start watching Our Flag Means Death.

Sarah: I love this plan! What a good plan!

Amanda: Yes! Yeah, I do plan to watch it. I’ve heard nothing but good things. Twitter’s been loving it.

Sarah: Oh yeah. The GIF sets are fire.

Amanda: Yeah, so I do plan to watch that. But yeah, I, in terms of, like, things to look forward to? My birthday? I’d like to, for my April thing I’ll do for myself, I think I’m going to try to schedule a massage at some point?

Sarah: Oooh, good plan!

Amanda: I’m just trying to get through this busy dang week –

Sarah: Yep.

Amanda: – and then figure it out.

Sarah: Yep!

Amanda: So.

Sarah: Well, I can tell you this weekend, we watched Death on the Nile?

Amanda: Yes, that’s right!

Sarah: And I can – okay. I, I very much enjoy the schadenfreude of this film having hired all of these dreadfully problematic people who then became so fucking problematic that they couldn’t go out to promote the movie because no one wanted anyone to talk to them about their problematic things.

Amanda: Yeah!

Sarah: I mean, it’s just a collection of problematic people, and therefore the promotion was super weird, plus pandemic delays.

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: It is so pretty, and it is so dippy. Like, it, it is both gorgeous and boring, and it’s quite a masterpiece of gorgeous, boring –

Amanda: Gorgeous and boring!

Sarah: Gorgeous and boring. You know how I, I insist that good and bad are not a line, they’re a quadrant?

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: So good and bad, and you have enjoyable and not enjoyable, and this is bad and pretty enjoyable. Like, Adam was like, that was fine for me to have on while I played Scrabble and finished my dinner, and I was like, that is exactly what this movie is for. Have it on, be like, oh, that’s a pretty shot! Oh, that’s a nice dress! Okay, I don’t care about any of these people; moving on!

Amanda: Moving on!

Sarah: Yeah! Well, thank you for podcasting with me today!

Amanda: Thank you for having me!

Sarah: It is always so fun!

[music]

Sarah: And that brings us to the end of this week’s episode, but wait, there’s more! If you go to the website – you know there’s a website that goes with the podcast, right? You have to know that – if you go to smartbitchestrashybooks.com, we asked the rest of the reviewing team to take a look at these covers and tell us what they think! These covers are a gift! Especially the shifter one; it keeps on giving. We’d love to hear what you think! We’d love to hear what you think of this episode, so, you know, head over to the show notes, take a look, look at the Cover Snark. Join us! We’re having a good time today, and we’d love for you to be a part of it.

Thank you again, and Happy Belated Birthday to Lisa for sending me these covers. I would love to know if you enjoyed this episode. We’re trying new things – I would love to know if you enjoyed this! Let me know in the comments; you can email me at sbjpodcst@gmail.com or Sarah@smartbitchestrashybooks.com – it all ends up in the same place. It’s fun to try different things, but I would really love to know if you laughed along with us today. And it’s always lovely to hear from you.

I also want to say hello and thank you to everybody who emailed me after episode 509, where Amanda and I were playing recommend books to each other, and then I played her my son’s trombone solo in a moment of great parental indulgence. So many of you let me know how much you enjoyed that episode where we hang out and chat, so never fear: there will be more of them. But also, thank you to everybody who emailed me to say how impressed they were. It meant a lot to have you all reach out and tell me how much you enjoyed it. And thank you also for all of the recommendations of schools he might look at; that is very helpful.

As always, I end with an absolutely dreadful joke; this week is no different. Are you ready? Okay.

Why does Dracula always bite people in the neck?

Give up? Why does Dracula always bite people in the neck?

Because he’s a neck-romancer.

[Laughs] Necromancer! Neck-romancer! That joke is from Typhann on Reddit; thank you! Necromancer!

On behalf of everyone here, we wish you the very best of reading. Have a wonderful weekend, and we will see you back here next week.

Smart Podcast, Trashy Books is part of the Frolic Podcast Network. You can find more outstanding podcasts to subscribe to at frolic.media/podcasts.

[fun music]