We’re on week six of The Bachelorette and we’re down to seven guys. Six guys? IDK. Next week is Hometowns. The fact that they are obviously condensing this season plus running it through the dead middle of summer makes me wonder how healthy this franchise is anymore. It’s definitely not as healthy as Picasso who is robust and handsome and soft and understands the importance of a good nap. Picasso: Bachelorette time equals nap time. We’re back in … Continue reading Elyse Watches The Bachelorette–S21 E6: Red Flag City →

So last week’s Bachelorette  left us on a cliffhanger. Jenn’s ex boyfriend of three years ago, Matt, showed up in New Zealand because he can’t handle the idea of her marrying someone else. He told her he was in love with her, which confuses her because he’s never told her that before. For the record, Picasso loves you. All of you. Every single one. Jenn decides if he really feels that way, he can join the … Continue reading Elyse Watches The Bachelorette–S21 Ep 5: What Was Even the Point →

Jenn and the lads head to Auckland, New Zealand, which brings up so many questions regarding the Rose God. First we were filming the first night in a different McMansion, then on week two we traveled literally halfway around the world. Has the Rose God finally risen? Is there some battle being waged with a Cthulu-esque entity we don’t know about? Is Chris Harrison going to jump into a volcano to save us all? So many … Continue reading Elyse Watches The Bachelorette–S21 E4: The Sams →

This week, due to my life being full of busy adult things, I’m recapping two episodes in one. Yes, that’s a lot for any liver to take, but I have my emotional support foster cat, Picasso, to aid me in this endeavor. Picasso is big with a giant head and loves smooches and would win this season without having to do anything other than roll over and show Jenn his belly. Picasso: You don’t need a … Continue reading Elyse Watches The Bachelorette–S21 E2 & 3: Thunder from Down Under →

Okay, so when we left off Joey was having a panic attack because Kelsey left a note attached to his door saying they needed to talk. Well, those sneaky bastards at ABC wedged a rose ceremony into The Women Tell All episode, which I don’t usually recap because it’s basically a clip show. All you need to know is the note was drama blown out of proportion and Kelsey reassured Joey. He wound up sending … Continue reading Elyse Watches The Bachelor–S28 E11: I Love Him and It Hurts →

Tonight’s episode of The Bachelor is Fantasy Suites. This is where the host (Jesse Palmer) gives the couples creepy AF handwritten notes inviting them to spend the night together, off camera, to explore their relationship (whatever that means for them). It’s also usually the episode where one of the contestants gets upset because, despite this franchise having nearly 30 seasons, it hasn’t occurred to them that The Bachelor might sleep with other people on his “journey.” … Continue reading Elyse Watches The Bachelor–S28 E9: Thanks Leslie →

This week is Hometowns, the cringiest episode of the season. This is when The  Bachelor meets the contestant’s’ families who are often skeptical of this whole bullshit franchise. We start in New Orleans, which is Kelsey A’s hometown. They go to a park where a woman is having her wedding photos taken. Kelsey reflects that in a couple of weeks that could be her, and says she terrified of having her heart broken. Kelsey is … Continue reading Elyse Watches The Bachelor–S28 E8: Liam’s Dance Moves →

Happy Bachelor recap! Hopefully you’re having a better week than our Bachelor, Joey, who earlier mixed up Ruth Bader Ginsberg with Gypsy Rose Blanchard. I would argue that Joey has the same number of thoughts as Fish, and this is Fish. There are six women left, and we’re in Jasper National Park in Alberta. Jenn says she wants to “get naked and cuddle in the woods,” which doesn’t seem like a great idea because you’re … Continue reading Elyse Watches The Bachelor–S28 E7: A Lot of Dramatic Music All for Nothing →

So this week’s Bachelor opens on a weird note. Joey is Montreal. We get his monologue while he looks out over scenic views, saying that his biggest fear is that he won’t wind up in a relationship at the end of the show. Then he says, “I’m trying to do my best to show who I am and express how I feel, but it’s just hard to do that while also being more fun and being … Continue reading Elyse Watches The Bachelor–S28 E6: Everyone Needs a Nap →