So remember when I was trying to identify the color of the year for contemporary romance? That began because I was constantly noticing the repeated color schemes on book covers in NetGalley. My brain loves a pattern, and it loves to collect things.
I’ve got another collection for you. It’s from my folder named Hanging Off a Horse.
Have you noticed how many old skool romance covers there are with one or more people just hanging off the side of a bewildered or belligerent horse?
There are SO MANY.
First, my apologies for the size of some of the images.
Second: WHAT. Setting aside the ruffles and the puffy sleeves and the vest and whatever is happening in his crotchular area, there is NO WAY they aren’t about to fall off that horse, right? What kind of bicep strength does this guy have?
Third: the tagline is exquisite: On the Wings of Burning Desire, They Soared Beyond Love’s Ecstasy.
What does that mean?
The cover copy has proven difficult to find but I did locate this summary: Traveling from Paris during the French Revolution to New Orleans, from lush Virginia plantations to a new nation’s capital, Aimee de Chartres and master spy Lucian Napier, fueled by their passionate love, lead a life of intrigue and danger.
I’m sure it’s not problematic at all. No, totally fine.
The shirt is unbuttoned but STILL TUCKED IN. AND there’s a cape!
But again, how strong are this guy’s biceps? Is this like when you have young kids around and they get picked up or carried in a handled carrier, and one bicep ends up WAY bigger than the other (I speak from experience here)?
What are the workout benefits of holding up an entire person who is hanging off the side of a horse?
And also, is she even ON the horse? Where is her other leg?
There are going to be a lot of “where is the other body part” questions, I predict.
Also, GUESS WHAT THE HEROINE’S NAME IS.
He rode out of the darkness astride a coal-black stallion, appearing from nowhere like a phantom in the night. To the lords and ladies he robbed, he was an unprincipled highwayman, a common thief who deserved to swing from the gallows on Tyburn Hill. But to Lady Bliss Paynter, he was a thrilling enigma, an uncommonly skilled lover who had stolen nothing from her but a breathless kiss.
Promised to an influential nobleman, Bliss knew she could have no future with the man who haunted her daydreams. But before she resigned herself to a loveless marriage, she would know one night of ecstasy in those forbidden arms…one night of wild passion in her lonely bed…one night of throbbing intimacy that would change all nights to come.
Bliss Paynter. Also, points for an “uncommonly skilled lover” identified by one kiss, and also “throbbing intimacy.”
Where is her other leg?
What is she standing on? Is she emerging from a sea of…pink slime? Wait, is this the same pink slime as the other cover for Meet Poop? When was the art direction meeting that said pink slime was THE cover treatment?
Also, her arm is bent up and back toward him, so she’s…what lunging up at him on that horse? No wonder the horse looks so bewildered. Even the geese are like, Nope.
Also, if you’re wondering whether the cover copy is thoroughly offensive, why, yes, yes it is.
It’s so bad I’m putting it behind a spoiler tag with TWs.
VULNERABLE GIRL
Even though seventeen-year-old Luci hadn’t a friend in the world, the slender, willowy half-breed knew she could handle herself with anyone—anyone except Johnny Ace. The full-blooded Pawnee scout’s heated glance made her shiver with fear and a tingling sense of anticipation. When he appeared in her quarters, she tried to run away, but she couldn’t escape his demanding embrace. She shrieked that she detested him. . . but Luci’s body spoke much more eloquently of her desire!
VENGEFUL SCOUT
Because they had killed his father, Johnny Ace had sworn to forever call the Cheyenne his enemy. Even though that part-Cheyenne laundress at For MacPherson was sexy and alluring, the Indian tracker knew he could never harbor tender thoughts about the chit. Then he came upon her all alone, and instantly lust raced in Johnny’s veins. Before he could reconsider, the virile male was clasping his beautiful prey. Damning the consequences, he ravaged her mouth with kisses, eager for the moment when he would enjoy her fiery, tempestuous CHEYENNE CARESS.
Johnny. Ace. I hope his horse kicked him.
And while we’re here in the depths of embarrassment:
What is she standing on? Or does this guy also have the Bicep of She’s Hanging Off My Horse?
And is he wearing a puffer jacket? A fur? What is that? It’s hard to tell at this size, but this eBay listing has a slightly larger image:
First, I’m naming that hair color “Romance Heroine Red.”
Second, he’s got…something in his hair. And looks like Joey Tribbiani. And maybe that’s an iridescent Starter jacket?
Ok, I need you to brace yourself for this next one because it’s hilarious. No beverages nearby, no cats to startle?
Good.
He’s half horse, right? Like before we even get to the whole composition, that guy is 1/2 horse form this angle, right?
From midnight until dawn, she tasted rapture in his arms. Well, presuming he’s likely hung like one…?
Wait, if it’s just the back half of a horse, is he a Centaur? Or a Minotaur? I think the latter.
She’s clearly straddling his leg while hanging off the horse, and wow, there’s a lot of strain on the seams here: her bodice, his jacket, the horse’s patience.
Seriously, I feel badly for these horses.
Also, given the number of dogs named Bandit I’ve met in my life, “Bandit’s Brazen Kiss” is in my experience damp, slobbery, and usually scented with eau du Kibble.
This is one of my all-time favorite romance covers:
If you haven’t seen my close up exploration of The Raider Barbie, please enjoy. Don’t miss the abs on that doll.
I don’t think either of them are on the horse. The horse looks very upset or insulted, either way, but I can’t see how nary a buttock betwixt them is on the horse or near a saddle. So they’re BOTH hanging off the horse?
No wonder that horse looks appalled.
Now, my last three, in a subfolder I named, “Hwut?”
Y’all, things can get weird even if everyone’s on the horse and not hanging off the side by one bicep and a prayer.
She’s not hanging OFF the horse. Not yet, anyway.
Horse people, fill me in: is she going to stay on the horse’s back? He clearly has a saddle, but I’m a little worried she’s going to slide off and take a hoof for the face.
Also, if her hair is anything like mine, after all that wind, she’s going to have hours and hours of tangles to deal with.
First, John De Salvo’s pecs are certainly a-poppin’, and I kinda like that blue…doublet? he’s “wearing.”
But if he’s on a saddle, what is she sitting on? And if he’s not in a saddle, and she isn’t either, are they about to go flying into those flowers? She seems precariously perched.
Also, y’all. I am this horse.
Looking straight at the reader like, ‘Do you see what nonsense I have to put up with? Look at these two.’
And then, this is not a historical romance, but it fits the theme and also I just need everyone to see it.
WHAT is that saddle?
Is this a real saddle?
Is this like the tandem bike of horse saddles except you face each other like on the Amtrak?
IS THERE A POMMEL. IF SO WHERE IS IT.
No, wait, don’t answer that. I don’t want to know.
I love the detail of the sparkle in her boots (So cute) and how they’re holding hands but…seriously, horse-wise, what is happening here?
And that’s all from my latest weird collection. Who knows what strange cover art I’ll start grabbing next. If you see any fun “hanging off the side of the horse” covers, please send them my way?
And don’t fall off any horses today, k?
I had more eloquent things to say, probably, but that last cover derailed my train of thought. Ma’am I am not kink-shaming, using your saddle as a sex toy is your own business, but this feels not safe and not sane even if consensual (and did anyone ask the horse?)
Thank you, this got my Monday off to a hilarious start. The palomino on the Gentry cover is also Done With These Idiots. The death glare is just slightly masked by the mane.
I remember reading some of these back in the day! Core memory was unlocked. All I could think about as I looked at these cover was an Art History course I took in college in the late 1970s. As we were analyzing Rubens’s painting, The Rape of the Sabine Women, the professor pointed to a man leaning from his saddle to scoop up a woman who is, well, Rubensesque in stature, and said, “That’s got to be a pretty strong horse.” Well, it was the 1970s.
Those are… a lot. It’s not just bicep strength, with their core strength these guys are never getting an umbilical hernia!
(And wondering if these books have the MCs getting frisky ON a horse which… no. Seems like a terrible idea.)
SO SPEAKS THE HEART: Does that horse have a prosthetic right foreleg below the knee?
THE RAIDER: My hair will do that if I touch a Van de graaf generator. Haven’t ever seen one on a romance cover, however….
THIS AIN’T: Could it be a saddle blanket? Also, the bridle seems wrong.
COMANCHE CARESS: His hair looks like short hair with a pony tail photoshopped on at the base of his neck. Also, why is the foreground palmettos and Spanish moss (South Carolina?) and the background the Rockies (or Alps, since geography is apparently meaningless)?
CHEYENNE CARESS: (Is this a series? was there an off-the-horse novel for every tribe?) He appears to be holding her by her upper right arm. Ouch!
I sincerely hope all these horses got extra pay and a support group.
JoanneBB, I can confirm that I have read at least one old school romance where the characters got frisky while on a horse. It’s been 30 years, so I can’t remember anything else about the book, but that scene was unsurprisingly memorable.
The horse on the cover of Cheyenne Caress is also staring straight to camera like he’s going “Did you READ that summary? Can you believe this shit? I need to speak to my agent about the books he’s putting me on the cover of, because this, children, is NOT IT.”
YES. First, I AM a horse riding person. Ande second: But, I have read at least TWO of these Old Skool romances where the characters have FULL BLOWN sex on horseback. Laura Kinsale, I’m looking at you! It would be akin to having sex on a sentient motorcycle. When you see trick riders leaning out of the saddle they usually pick up objects that weigh 5lbs or less. Also There are balance issues…the kind that would tip the horse on its side. Then there is the fact that horses, as prey animals, are terrified of MANY things. Logs, leaves, and squirrels. At the very least one or both people would be dumped. That “saddle” at the end, appears to be a blanket. A blanket simply placed on the horse’s back. They would slide sideways off that poor horse. I could write a chapter about all the horse things!
At least all the artists did pretty well on the horses. They all look and move like actual horses, and not everybody can paint / draw them well. The compositions are appalling. But they make you look. Which was the purpose, I guess. And apparently flying hair / mane is a metaphor for passion?
I think PASSION FOR GLORY shows an elaborate dance routine. He’s not really picking her up, just doing a quick clasp and twirl as he rides around her. She keeps a foot on the ground the whole time, hidden by the fog machine.
Is NIGHTRIDER an olde time version of KNIGHT RIDER? Which would also make it MR. ED? Anyway, that wintry night looks too cold to have your chest, shoulders, and leg out like that. I hope there’s an inn just out of frame!
The pink slime of CHEYENNE CARESS looks more frothy and active than on MEET POOP. I think they’re on a quest to follow it to its source. “Look! Even the geese carry the slime taint!” And she’s like, “You’ve *got* to dip your feet in this, it feels amazing!”
I think the viewpoint on THE RAIDER is turned 90°. The horse has fallen (because someone hanging off the side ruined its balance) and they’re lying on the ground. Either that or her hair shows that misogyny has driven her into a psychic rage, as in GARTH MARENGHI’S DARKPLACE E2 “Hell Hath Fury” (https://cfm.yidio.com/images/tv/2793/150199/episode-image-400×225.jpg).
QUEEN OF THE MAY shows the moment before the horse dumps them off its back with an imperceptible movement. Its expression says, “Watch *this*”.
The couple of THIS AIN’T OUR FIRST RODEO seems to be perched on a horse statue. Thank you for pointing out the sparkle! I hadn’t noticed it. I have seen boots like that in real life that were red and I’m not normally into cowboy boots but these were *so good*.
Those first two covers were clearly painted from the same photo shoot, although Nightrider lady looks like she had the good sense to wear bloomers under that gown.
I beg to inform Georgina Gentry that Fort MacPherson is here in Georgia, just a short MARTA ride from downtown Atlanta, and there ain’t no Pawnees or Cheyennes here. This is Cherokee country,although you might get some Seminoles wandering up from Florida.
WTF is going on with the hair, AND THE SKIRT, in that Deveraux cover? No wonder that horse looks alarmed!
Ms Speaks The Heart is clearly not holding on tight enough and is about to slide right off that horse’s rump. I can hear their conversation from here: “Slow down! I’m falling off your horse!” “Whut?”
It’s been a while since we’ve had some Old Skool cover snark goodness!
I’m really baffled by that last cover. Has this cover artist ever seen a saddle? I don’t see any stirrups on there. No cinch. No saddle blanket. That poor horse.
I really want a few of these to have unicorns!
Some of these ladies are going to suffer for DAYS from the chafing. If it’s not your first rodeo, sure you’d know not to wear short shorts on horseback!
Well, now I’m going to be late for my doctor appointment and I’ll have to explain that I spent the last 15 minutes wheezing and gasping for breath but not for medical reasons.
Not only are both people about to fall off that first horse, but the horse is going to fall on top of them afterward. Or maybe it will stay upright by turning sharply left and just step on them. Either way, there will be broken bones.
Also, you know what happens when you sit as far back on a horse like the last guy is doing? They buck. Ask me how I know.
Speaking of the last cover, what in the holy heck is going on with that bridle? It’s gotten so I can’t tell the difference between AI slop and someone who’s just drawing tack by vibes alone.
That last one got me. Thanks for the best laugh of the day. Also, why are her upper body, head, and hands so tiny? Her legs seem fine but the rest of her went through the shrinky dink oven.
Cackling! As always, y’all lift me, bitches.
Lawd have mercy.
A lot of the vague parts (like the first crotchular area) make me think of those gen-AI images with missing appendages or blurry weirdness. Maybe they weren’t mistakes but were based on old novel covers!
This kind of cover is one of the reasons I eschewed Old Skool romances back in the day. I read in public, especially on buses and trains, and this stuff was too embarrassing to be associated with.
I am out of breath from laughing.
In the old covers, it looks like the horse was painted in as an afterthought. They had better be. Otherwise the horsies are going to trip over those huge gowns, and there’s a good chance the heroine’s bare tootsies are going to be trodden on (and probably broken) by a galloping horse.
I do not think that the artist on What Is Definitely Their First Rodeo has seen a bridle or saddle before. Couldn’t they have just looked at a few photos and copied that instead, the way I used to when obsessively sketching horses at the age of 10 did? At least the bridles on the painted Old Skool examples are correct, even if gravity isn’t.
Thanks for the laughs, team. More of these, please!