Welcome back to Cover Snark!
Elyse: Is this a PSA?
Tara: Or a how-to guide? Do you need hats and/or scarves to transport the crabs after you catch them?
Sarah: Gloves, too.
Tara: Oh yeah, the tiny ones can go in the fingers.
Claudia: Hmm my mind went to pubic crabs, I’m so sorry…
Sarah: Oh, me, too. I figured that was why their hair was covered.
From Jen: I see one dragon. Is the other one in his pants? What is he looking for? Disturbing and confusing cover.
Sarah: I think the dragon is yelling I TOLD YOU SO.
Amanda: Also there’s some strange texture going on with his chest.
Sarah: WHAT is with all the crotch-staring cover models? Even the dragon hates it.
From Brigitte: I saw this book couldn’t get over how bad this title is. I hope the ‘zon doesn’t send me any recommendations like this one, because it’s cringe worthy!
Sarah: During a gynecological exam, I expect medical professionals to keep their shirts on, not have them unbuttoned but still tucked in. Am I weird?
Claudia: I read Gorgeous Gyro and frankly that would be vastly preferable than the actual title of this book!
Sarah: I would eat a gorgeous gyro.
Sneezy: Dammit now, now I want a gyro too.
From Melodie: Nominee for the bad font choice award! Amazon claims this book is titled Culgan. But I guess I would be going by an alias too if I had to wear that ugly little capelet to a fight. By his face he knows that he needs actual armor to go against the giant parrot.
Sarah: Is Ulgah wearing a beauty shop drape cover? Was Ulgah interrupted at the salon by a giant bird looking for a fight? I bet Ulgah was mid-coloring and had to step out from under the dome dryer to get the sword.
Claudia: All I know is that Culgari looks mad about the interruption.
Elyse: See I’m getting Eulcah
Sarah: Or Eulcari?
I have lots of thoughts for a Monday morning. At first look the Carlton’s not too bad except for the unfortunate title. Then I looked again — has she got an Adam’s apple? Or a medical condition besides crabs?
The Wilde has one of my pet cover peeves. His moobs are in shadow but his nips are lit up. Do they have auto-on switches like cars? The light levels drop below a certain point and the headlights automatically come on?
Is there a parrot on the cover of the Saccenti? I spent way to much time trying to see it with no luck, but I don’t care enough to go look for it on Amazon. Maybe I need more coffee. And I read Culligan as in the Culligan man. (For us senior bitches who remember the ads.) At least he doesn’t have auto-on nips.
Oh, dear, another font week. I am especially impressed by Gorgeous Gyno (incidentally, is that a Britishism? can’t remember ever encountering that particular abbreviation in my neck of the woods) because it manages to deploy three fonts in four short words, two of them being the author’s name.
Quick run to behindthename dot com assures me that Demelza is a bona fide Cornish name–but so rare, they don’t even have popularity figures. Was her mother smitten with Robin Ellis?
I sure am glad the series title contains the word “Clan”, because I don’t think I would ever have guessed that that picturesque doodle is meant for a capital C. (And Freki? Is that, like, freaky with a Scandinavian accent?)
Is it just me or … is there something semantically “off” about “award-winning best-selling author”? Within the class of Best-Selling Authors, she is in the subset that are also award winners. And something tells me the award in question is not the Booker Prize.
Because the whole crab thing blew my mind I looked it up. She’s meant to be a Jazz Age accountant from the 1920’s… which, sadly, no. All the cute covers someone could have thought up, and they came up with grandma’s scarf and gloves. And crabs.
Meanwhile, I got Sulgan with a really sweet Pilgrim collar… The little deedles in the middle of the ‘c’ and the black bit that gives the c its weird… spiky spine (?!) took my dyslexic leaning brain straight to ‘s.’ Oh, well. At least we can award him Best Armed Pilgrim Ever.
Mr. Gorgeous is just getting ready to eat his gyro. He knows he always drips some sauce on his shirt, so this way he can just wipe off his chest and button up again.
I saw the dragon as giving him a shoulder/muscle warming treatment (like a heating pad, without needing to plug anything in), in which case he’s looking down to avoid his hair being singed.
I live in Maryland, and the only crabs you want are steamed Blue Crabs from the Chesapeake Bay.
There was a song in the 70s, Torn Between Two Lovers, but no dragons were mentioned.
I have a great Greek place for Gyros nearby. Dinner, anyone?
Is Ulgari like Umami, or maybe they meant Bvlgari, because I wouldn’t mind Italian jewelry.
Sulgari, honey, that is not how you grip that kind of sword
Re “Culgan” if the series is Freki Wolf Clan (which I definitely mind-pronounce as Freaky Wolf Clan), wtf is there a bird of prey in the background instead of a wolf? Mixed messaging to go along with the terrible font and the ridiculous capelet?
Louise this Briton has never heard anyone use the diminutive ‘gyno’, only ‘gynae’.
Freki is a Norse god of something or other if I recall. So is Sulgan a Viking or a Celtic warrior? Is his damsel going to yell “Culgan, take me away!” (Boy the old commercials are running away with this book.)
To me, that’s definitely “Freki Wolf Clam”, making the hero Culgam. Are there silver edges on the capelet, or is that another weird lighting effect? Also, what’s with the odd stippling across his chest?
@Sandra– I believe it is meant to be an eagle but there is something very, very off about how the beak is drawn. The lower beak Does Not look like that. Perhaps that’s why it looks so glum.
@Merle: Maybe the clams and the crabs can get together and have a seafood boil… with gyros on the side. The dragon can light the fire.
So much funny stuff in the post and comments!
HOW TO CATCH CRABS: I think this cover is kind of cute (in a not quite professionally designed way), but wooy, that title!
@tea: I would never have guessed this was a historical! I thought they were slightly dorky (not meant as derogatory) college kids. I’m kind of still OK with it in a sort of community theater / “you get the idea” way.
CAUGHT BETWEEN DRAGONS: The dragon is browning him. That’s how cover models get that beef jerky like appearance! (Which makes them… beefjerkycakes?)
@Sandra: Maybe instead of illuminated they are lactating.
GORGEOUS GYNO: At first I thought he had his belt draped over his shoulders (there’s a white strip on the right side of the left part of his tie that looks like a reflection).
@Louise: I have heard “gyno” in the US.
GULGAN sounds like a fat green alien. The outfit is so he can see — his face is actually on his torso. The head is just a decoy.
@Merle: I think Culgam and the Freki Wolf Clan sounds like a prog rock band name. Or maybe ska.
How to catch crabs. Oh dear. If you live in UK you need to go to Cromer, on the Norfolk coast
All I can think of for the last one the old commercials “Calgon, take me away”