Welcome back to Cover Snark!
From Mabry: This guy is suffering from sliding bicep syndrome, plus his forearm seems to be stolen from a 7 foot tall basketball player. And then there’s the nipple that’s trying to leave the scene altogether.
He also looks like one of the Property Brothers.
Sarah: Ok the proportions and perspective here are really weird to the point I feel like I should give everyone a warning. Like, uncanny valley vaguely nauseous proportions.
The ARM. the size of the head! his neck! I’m queasy now.
Lara: They must have used a funhouse mirror filter of some kind.
Sarah: Did he get stung by something?
From Jen: Awkward wolf placement. Is he a wolf shifter? Or is he banging this wolf? The wolf appears to be complaining about the dude behind him.
Lara: Oh that is some champion poor placement! Worst/best I’ve seen!
Sarah: Please stop making covers where it looks like some indifferent dude is about to hump an animal.
Amanda: Isn’t the saying, “In this world, nothing is certain except death and taxes and bad animal placement on shifter romance covers”?
From Susan: Blow it up for best effect. Lots here to play with.
Sarah: Wood.
Elyse: WHAT COULD ALL THE WOOD REPRESENT.
Sarah: Honestly I have no idea. What could it be?
From lils: Well “something” is burning! Is it love or an effect of the mess hall?
Sarah: This is a visual representation of what some of my headaches feel like!
Amanda: What in the J.J. Abrams is with all the lens flare?
1. The dog looks like they’re mid-cough (you’ve ever had an old dog, you know those gross harsh old-guy phlegm horks they do when you’re not paying enough attention to them) because they also think the couple is being gross
2. Give it a sparkly GIF overlay and it’ll fit in perfectly with someone’s 2009 LiveJournal *Evanescence plays ominously in distance*
3. Deforestation of the Amazon, but make it sexy???
4. That man’s robo shoulder is not fully attached, I don’t think. He looks like “all the time travel assassination plots I could’ve gotten, but NO, I’m stuck here at this ice rink”
In addition to all the various things wrong with the first cover, I don’t think even that nose belongs to that guy.
Maybe Appletree Cove has one of those tourist attractions where “gravity behaves differently” or whatever.
1. Who takes a little dog and places them on the hot sand? Ouch.
2. His head looks too small.
3. He seems to be spotted like the cat or has some kind of rash.
4. Prosthetic arm placement is weird.
On Jacked Up, is that Tiffany Amber Thiessen wearing a 90s studded leather jacket? She looks annoyed with Shirtless Dude. “I told you we were leaving at 3:00, why aren’t you dressed? Now we’re going to be late!”
Proceeding directly to Jacked Up: Am I the only one who first saw the logs as sausages?
And then there’s the canonical “I was so distracted by the leopard’s intent gaze, I almost didn’t notice the low-cut neckline in the background.” I guess the artist was distracted too, and failed to notice they’d cut off both models’ heads.
Lumbercats? That’s our series title? Does that mean we can expect an assortment of {felid of some kind} paired with {newly cut timber which may or may not be from the cat’s native habitat}?
Above all, though: We’ve had many a cover that was crying out for help, be it from a medical professional, an astronomer, a veterinarian, a mechanic. But this is the first one that sends me looking for a dendrochronologist, because what on earth happened to all those logs at about 1/3 of their respective lifespans?
“I’m a lumbercat and I’m ok…” dang it, now it’s stuck in my head.
Just One Kiss: it’s like Frankenstein’s cover model, isn’t it?
The more I look at it, the more I notice that that poor terrier isn’t even the correct size in relation to them. Obviously he was photoshopped in, but couldn’t they make the size in relation to the humans right, at least?? It’s jarring.
I think the “wolf” looks more like an Arctic fox to me. Poor thing definitely needs to be rescued from Mr. Skeevy.
Jacked up: That jaguar looks extremely grouchy. Clearly it is time for the cover animals to unionize. Also, the headless guy’s skin texture is reminding me of those gift shop figurines of deer covered in very short scratchy fuzz that was supposed to suggest fur but resembled fur in much the way a brass bristled grill cleaning brush resembles a hair brush for babies.