Hey all! It’s time for Cover Snark!
From Carole
Sneezy: Are we looking at pee or jizz cocktail?
Tara: If we are, it’s quite psychedelic.
Sarah: The splash is distressing.
Elyse: If any of your bodily fluids come out Lisa Frank colors you need to consult a doctor.
Kiki: My partner and his friends just discovered that sometimes romance novels have absolutely bananas covers and he is now in joyous tears beside me as he looks through all the cover snark posts on the site.
From Elizabeth: Overall it’s just general nonsense, but he does seem to have a glowing belly button. And maybe fire skin?
Sarah: If my belly button could be a flashlight that would be VERY handy.
EllenM: Those muscles look like they are 1 second away from popping
Sneezy: Oh ew, no exploding muscles please
Sarah: PEW PEW
Elyse: Press 2 for penis
Sarah: Maybe this is a clue that this person is a hemipene?
or has a hemipene?
From Shoshana
Sarah: Awww, they’re at a 7th grade dance and they’ve left room for Jesus!
Carrie: Are all Werewolves purple or does it vary from wolf to wolf? Did he dye his hair or is it natural? Is there werewolf hair racism between the purples and the greens? Does the color activate when lightning goes up your nose, as seems to be happening here? Why are their asses glowing?
Elyse: Is it just me or is that Fiona from Shrek?
Sarah: Or one of the Olsen twins?
EllenM: You can’t tell me that wolf isn’t a highly photoshopped plastic action figure.
Sneezy: Wait, his ass is SEE THROUGH. Is that a normal werewolf thing?
From Kimberly: Where is that extra leg coming from? There’s no way it is attached to either torso.
Sarah: I’m VERY confused.
Carrie: I know there’s a lot going on here, but I’m a simple girl and I’m fixated on the most simple thing – what the fuck is the end of word “mo”?
Sarah: It’s MC. Motorcycle Club
Does look like an O though, no question
Carrie: Well yes because there’s a rogue leg over it!
Sarah: I hate it when a rogue leg interferes with my graphic design, too!
Tara: It’s okay, Carrie. He looks equally confused.
Sneezy: Doesn’t it also look like his torso from the pecs down is truncated and shrunk?
On the Fate Promised cover, the woman’s head is set very oddly on her shoulders. I think part of the problem is that it’s massive – so much so that it’s actually bigger than her waist.
The wolf’s head/neck/shoulder combo isn’t much better. I did a first aid course and was introduced to neck braces that came in various sizes. The smallest was labelled ‘no-neck’, which seemed vaguely insulting, but anyway I think I’ve found no-neck’s target market.
Jo’Aquin appears to have swallowed an angry ET, who is now trying to find his way home through Jo’Aquin’s torso. Also, someone get ET a tissue; I think his nose is running.
Sorry, forgot to turn off italics after through.
I’ve never heard this “leave room for Jesus” thing. Is this really a thing?
“Jo’aquin” reminds me of the classic Ask a Manager letter in which some poor guy thought he had two colleagues, Jo-a-quin and Wakeen.
@Kelly—it’s a (relatively?) common phrase meaning “don’t stand too close to your partner while slow dancing.”
Purple wolf obviously has a bad case of mange with all those shiny bald spots on his arm and stomach. She’s secretly measuring him for the cone of shame.
Fate Promised: The glowy butts look more like fart clouds. I think the name of the book should be Farts Promised. The cover would make more sense.
OMG yes. In grade school boys & girls weren’t to dance close. Teacher always said “leave room for Jesus”. Gad, haven’t heard that in ages. Thanks for the memory, Sarah.
I’m sorry, but are we skimming over “A Cock Tales Romantic Comedy”? Does he shape shift into a rooster? Is that his comb in the glass?
@ Jackie–we were always told to ‘leave room for the Holy Spirit.’ It’s still a thing where I’m at.
Drunk on Love: “Cock Tales”? Seriously? Someone at the publisher thought this was a good idea?
Oh, wait, it’s “A Cock Tales Romantic Comedy”. Time to throw out my tier list of Dubious Series Titles and start afresh, because we have a clear winner.
JoPointlessApostropheAquin: Not just any alien romance, not just any alien-abduction romance (Psst! author! turns out there was never a Stockholm Syndrome, just police incompetence), but specifically and narrowly a Hexonian Alien Abduction Romance. Seems awfully niche, but whatever.
Oh, and just the other day I saw a picture of a doodad in a Japanese elevator that you touch to release static buildup. I think the cover model could use one.
Fate Promised: Y’know, that actually looks kinda sweet. Except someone will have to break it to the loving couple that it’s no use closing in for a kiss if one of the pair doesn’t have lips. And does he really not have a neck, or is it just hidden behind his upper-torso muscles? And–OK, it gets less sweet by the minute–what’s with the localized alopecia? Did he shave his upper arms to make the muscles stand out more?
Decker’s Dilemma: Having decked the walk-on in the black hose, he is now undecided whether to wield her leg as a weapon against the overly clingy bikini model, or just toss it aside. And what’s that on his … Oh. It’s got nothing to do with his wrist; it’s just inept cover design.
And, finally, it’s nice that the knights and dragons have set aside their differences to go biking together, but I’d really like to see the customized Harley that can carry a dragon.
@Kelly: “Leave room for Jesus” puts me in mind of Q: Why don’t Baptists have sex standing up? A: Because people might think they’re dancing.
…Haven’t we seen the first one before? I feel as though we’ve seen the first one before. Or maybe I just want to believe that because I don’t want to believe there could possibly be TWO covers with that particular design choice.
For some reason I’m stuck on wondering how much purple dye you’d need to dye your entire werewolf pelt that shade, and whether you’d need bleach first, and how long would the whole process take, and do you just immerse yourself in a vat or…and isn’t that dangerous? Bathing in bleach and strong dye can’t be healthy. Also ugh, think of the root maintenance. Staying that shade of purple must require commitment. Idk what that suggests about his potential as a partner. He might not have a lot of time to give between his fur care and all the medical treatments for the chemical ingestion. I am maybe overthinking this somewhat.
Drunk on Love: So THAT’s what happened to the phenolphthalein in my home CSI kit… so that’s neutral-to-slightly-basic drink, obviously a VERY cheap martini. (The “glass” is probably plastic, too.)
Joe Achin’: The apostrophe was obviously misplaced on the cover (along with the spelling error) by someone who hadn’t read the book. Either that, or it’s very thinly disguised Joaquin Phoenix fan/slashfic.
Fate Promised: That isn’t a see-through butt. That’s the imagined reflection off leather pants from the imagined off-camera lighting, even though this is a painting and that sort of thing should never show up… oh, hever mind, “transparent butt” is more plausible.
Decker’s Dilemma: There is no cannibalism in the Royal Navy. And by “none,” I mean there is a certain amount. Jenkins, put that down! (No apologies to Monty Python, Graham Chapman would’ve reacted the same way.)
Ok – I absolutely spat tea at “press 2 for penis”. Thanks. Also, that cocktail needs to be deposited on a nearby plant.
@Star: How to Dye your Werewolf, a Practical Guide
Penned by Mel, who’s job it is to dye the clan’s adolescent and new adult werewolves that are going out into the world to seek their fates mates, this informative, engaging memoir will warm your heart. Be sure to read the book club edition with special extras, including how to deal with those pesky fingertip stains!
Fate Promised: Beauty and the Beast without the library. He spent the book money on purple dye.
I like how just adding an apostrophe to Joaquin makes it an alien name…
Looks like Jo’aquin’s pecs are undergoing mitosis.