Cover Snark: Bears, Transformers, & Aliens – Oh My!

Happy Monday! Let’s have some Cover Snark!

Too Hot to Handle by S.E Law and S.C. Adams. A shirtless man is flexing, but his flexed abs make it look like there's a face in his stomach.

From Squee_Me: Cover snark! I’m not sure if this is the right place to share a proposed cover snark…I saw this in a Kobo 2 for 1 sale. The guy’s abs look like the Transformers Autobot logo (I know this thanks to my husband and 11 yr old kid) or maybe a face of an alien. And now I can’t unsee it. Also the tattoo and his right nipple appear to be battling for position on his chest.

Sarah: Nope, can’t unsee it. Transformers! ROLL OUT.

Amanda: ROBOTS IN DISGUISE

Sarah: I have to say, the Transformers ride at Universal is one of my favorites.

Sneezy: Probably not that nipple’s. It looks like it’s losing. Maybe this is an illustration of how to become cyborgs?

AJ: I actually really like that tattoo placement, it looks intentionally designed which is not too common in Cover Dude Land. His nipple is definitely losing the battle, though.

Bear in a Bakery by Liz Paffell. A hot pink cover with yet another shirtless man standing behind a smaller grizzly bear, who is on all fours.

From Jen: For cover snark. when will authors learn that animal placement on the cover matters? do not put the bear directly in front of the man’s hips.

Sarah: Wait have we done this one?

Amanda: LEAVE THIS BEAR ALONE, COVER DESIGNERS! THEY’VE BEEN THROUGH ENOUGH

Sarah: Poor bears. My gosh.

To say nothing of the health and food service code violations of both A Bear and A Bare Chest in the bakery.

Amanda:

An old meme of Chris Crocker that says "leave bears alone"

A deep internet meme cut for all us olds

Sarah: OH that is a deep cut. Much retro!

Hollie also submitted the poor Bakery Bear, saying, “I saw this cover, and immediately had snarky thoughts, and wanted to share it with you. You’re welcome! LOL.”

And Elizabeth: “Looks like he is doing something naughty to the bear.”

I think many people saw this cover and thought, OH, ok, Smart Bitches needs to know about this.

Which is so flattering, tbh.

This cover represents a number of choices that I do not understand at all.

Sneezy: At this point, we might as well come up with a pretentious name that vaguely sounds like an art movement for all the covers that harasses this poor Pooh.

AJ: Arctusian? … Grizzly Style?

Alien's Temptation by Tina Moss. A shirtless, headless dude stands behind a giant purple planet. He is an orange-yellow in color and is covered in tribal tattoos.

Elyse: I realize he’s an alien but he’s missing a nipple and I don’t think veins should do that.

Sneezy: Or skin for that matter.

I had to check if my night view was off, aaaaand yup, someone indeed stole what was supposed to be Pikachu spandex.

Sarah: I want to bring this person a glass of water. Or 12.

AJ: These tattoos are TERRIBLE. I’m getting early 2000s flashbacks. Someone bring me a dragonfruit Sobe and an Alanis Morissette CD, I’ll be over here on my inflatable chair weeping softly.

This guy should have asked the other dude for a referral. Aliens: do your research! Don’t just come to Earth and walk into the first tattoo shop you see!

Nash by Eve London. A man an open button down plaid shirt stands in a field. His head is turned right but his body is turned left. They don't look like the belong to the same person.

From Sukari: It looks like his head and his pecs are going in different directions.
Manifestation of an internal crisis?

Sarah: The little curl of cloud behind his head looks like a line indicating motion, like he just whipped his head around and said, “WHAT did you just call me?!”

NASH. I called you NASH. It’s written on your abdomen.

Amanda: Speaking of the cloud, Nash seems like he’d believe in chemtrail conspiracy theories.

Elyse: Was I the only one who thought he didn’t have pants on? No pants, unbuttoned shirt. That’s a look.

Sneezy: You know Amanda, I don’t know what chemtrail conspiracies are, and his face is making sure that I’ll stay under my little rock. My nice, cozy rock with Michelle Yeoh posters everywhere.

Comments are Closed

  1. Kris says:

    Nash is posing for a cheesy glamour shot.

  2. Heather M says:

    To me, Nash looks like he’s wearing some sort of black thong and chaps and now I can’t unsee it.

  3. Barbara says:

    To be fair, the Bear cover did its job, I just looked up the book and added it to my TBR. Biological clock for male shifters had me curious.

  4. Lena Brassard says:

    How do all these plump pre-hibernation bears shift into human forms with 0% body fat? I’ve never cared about preservation of mass Because Magic, but disregard for composition ratios is a bridge too far!

  5. FashionablyEvil says:

    Yeah, I thought Nash was wearing a button down shirt and a black Speedo and thought, “Hmm, interesting choice for a cowboy…I guess it’s the American version of the older Italian dudes you see at the beach wearing a Speedo, t-shirt, flip flops and nothing else? Not my jam, but, you know, it takes all kinds and there’s something in romance form everyone, right?”

  6. MelMc says:

    Fashionably Evil, I also saw the black speedo, but I thought maybe he didn’t have time to find his pants after spending so much time carefully starching and pinning his shirt into that gravity-defying chest frame. The way the shirt gently hugs his pecs then tucks away to make sure there is a full view of his abs must have taken hours. Then the title spoils it all. No wonder his face screams “Really? You put the title RIGHT THERE knowing how much time I spend on the shirt?” Nash and the graphics artist are one second away from a catfight.

  7. Louise says:

    Too Hot to Handle: Alternate title, Too Musclebound to Reach that Itch on the Back of Your Neck.

    Bear in a Bakery: Combine this cover’s abs with the previous cover’s upper torso and you’ve got some serious grotesquerie. And that’s even before you compare his size to the bear and realize you’ve got a thirty-foot giant blundering among your cupcakes. [Proofreading, I found I’d typed “thirty-food”, which amused me.]

    Alien’s Temptation: It may be tempting to an alieness, but it leaves me cold. And do we have . . . yes . . . it’s the rare Four-Font Fiasco. Four and a half, if you consider the italics.

    Nash: Is this a catalog listing, like when paintings in an art show acquire the little red dot meaning SOLD? Model #123, Nash, has already been claimed by a cowboy. Incidentally, I tend to think he is wearing chaps and a speedo, a combination that means the cowboy who claimed him has got some basic instructing to do w/r/t functional riding gear.

  8. EC Spurlock says:

    That bear just can’t bear it anymore. @Lena Brassard, good point. I’d like to see a bear shifter get woken up out of hibernation and show up to his meet-cute all fat and sleepy and grumpy at being disturbed.

    Nash is gonna get whiplash. (Whipnash?)

  9. Jazzlet says:

    Nash you need to find a better shirt shop, where on earth did you get a shirt that is simultaneously too long in the sleeves and way, way too small in the body? Gibbon Shirts?

  10. Lianne says:

    I came across a book cover that definitely made me think of this column

    Blue alien (with top of head chopped off) in an apron.

  11. Gloriamarie Amalfitano says:

    About Too Hot to Handle… I have no interest in his nipples. What I want to know is what the heck is going on with his right arm and shoulder. Would someone please explain?

  12. Miss Louisa says:

    Stiffler from American Pie is a cover model? That was my first thought followed by, what snapped Nash’s head back like that? SQUIRREL

  13. Jaws says:

    Bear in a Bakery makes me wonder why there’s no right to arm bears. That would be the poor bear’s best protection from this sort of… well… whatever it is.

  14. Sandra says:

    The alien looks like he’s got some serious scar tissue where his right nipple used to be. I’d be talking to malpractice lawyers if I was him. And why is there an octopus hiding behind his shoulder?

    I didn’t know that chemtrail conspiracy theories was a thing. But it has a Wikipedia article so it must be true. There’s got to be a Rule 34 concerning conspiracy theories. If it exists, it has a conspiracy theory associated with it.

  15. Merle says:

    Am I the only one who initially thought the series for “Bear in a Bakery” was Testes Park Shifters? Given the angle, I think at worst bakery bear is being prodded in the side by dude’s junk. Also, what on earth is wrong with the skin of bakery dude’s left hand and forearm?

  16. denise says:

    I’m speechless. lol I think it’s all been said.

  17. Molly says:

    If those dudes every lose condition, what happens to the tattoos?

  18. Melody Prime says:

    Is it just me or does too hot to handle look more like he was wearing football pads and then someone painted skin over top in Photoshop. That is an incredibly improbable underboob and shoulder shape.

    I keep squinting at it, but it’s makinh my head hurt.

  19. erin says:

    There’s a bakery (pie shop, but close enough) just outside of Estes Park, Colorado that was robbed by a bear. Best news story ever. It took them several days to figure out why the pies were gone but all the cash was still there.

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