Welcome back to Cover Snark! Let’s get into it!
From Pam G: I saw this metal boy and I have no words. And I always have words. (edited)
Sarah: Is that a tail? Is his ass about to do battle with his horns?
…Is that a sentence I just typed in all seriousness? Wow, today is weird.
Tara: Maybe they connect, so he can hang things off the horns without worrying they’ll slide off?
Shana: His face looks like he hated that idea. And all ideas. Maybe he just thinks humans smell bad?
Amanda: The paint job reminds me a lot of those living statue performers.
Sneezy: The point of a venomous spike on a tail is to poison OTHER creatures, not jam it into the back of your own head. But then that tail seems remarkably short and generally useless.
From Heather L: Saw this in a deal list and was like WTF!
Sarah: I get what’s going on here but it still makes me head tilt immediately.
Elyse: I, too, wear my jeans in the pool as wet denim is both fashionable and extremely comfortable.
Amanda: I think she just has pocket envy, which I understand.
“How deep do these puppies go?!”
“Damn, all I can fit is chapstick in mine. Sometimes, the pockets aren’t even real.”
Sarah: My kids have pairs of pants with pockets so deep they can put a trade paperback in them with no problem.
Maybe he’s got books in his pockets. That seems effective.
Carrie: What it all comes down too/Is I haven’t got it all figured out just yet/Cause I got two hands in my pockets/and two other hands that are confusing.
Sneezy: Wh- I want pockets that big too!!!! A trade paperback??? Goddamn!!
From Christina: Not sure if you guys have ever done this one but I stumbled upon this little gem today quite by accident. I instantly thought of Cover Snark of course! Please enjoy.
Sarah: Christina is lovely to think of us when seeing this, but I have a few questions.
First question: What.
Amanda: I…think we’ve done this one? Or at least one in the same series.
Sarah: Oh gosh.
Amanda: I’d like to think that the series just keeps adding more and more babies with each book.
Sneezy: The babies look terrifying somehow and I don’t think shirtlessness will save him.
From Kerri: This should be cute, but when I first glanced at it, all I thought was “WHY IS THERE A SPOTLIGHT COMING FROM HER CROTCH?”
Sarah: Unfortunate spotlight placement is unfortunate
Sneezy: Magical vagina is magical, I guess.
“Your vag bagged you a werewolf? Cool. Mine lights up and spotlights my partner when he’s around. Oh! There it goes!!! Hi honey!!!”
Susan: For when you REALLY need to summon Batman in a hurry.
On the first one, my brain refuses to read the header as anything other than “Ass Planet Warriors,” which I feel gives a rather different spin on the whole tail thing.
Does the Ass Planet Warrior’s head match his body? Are we sure? How sure are we?
The “woman standing behind a man with her hands in his front pockets” is a visual trope that was once fairly frequent on romance covers. Imho, none did it better than Cara McKenna’s AFTER HOURS:
https://www.amazon.com/After-Hours-InterMix-Cara-McKenna-ebook/dp/B009KUNXIC/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?crid=2Y1GVBC8TT9H1&keywords=cara+mckenna+after+hours&qid=1658757392&sprefix=cara+mcjenba+after+hours%2Caps%2C80&sr=8-1
Apparently the Vaglite (TM) also levitates. And what does the Golden Gate Bridge have to do with it?
@Carrie, that Hand in Pocket reference is *chef’s kiss* perfect
i. Scorpion dude’s teeth are what’s drawing my eyes, it’s like his mouth is too small for the rest of the WTFery. Like I don’t think a big Studio Ghibli grin would fix him but the tiny human mouth with pointy teeth is out of whack with everything else.
ii. The secret backstory of so many broken hearted brooding men: she was using him for his pockets
iii. Why are those children so evil looking. Granted I’m not someone who generally thinks babies are cute but like, those are particularly offputting, right? It’s not just me, right? Actually not one part of that cover appeals to me. Why is his chest vacuum sealed and completely hairless? Why does his beard end exactly at his jawline? Why is he wearing a leather jacket with nothing under it? The tag lines…the tag lines…
iv. The last one just makes me think “TARGET SPOTTED” and then there should be sirens going off, possibly a SWAT team swarming the giant dude. Maybe something about giants in business attire attacking the Golden Gate Bridge like a 1950s B movie. I don’t generally have a problem with cartoon covers & I don’t hate this one either but I do think it’s funny in ways that were not intended.
As a fan of monster/alien/cryptid books, i have to say, the horns for the first cover are absolutely on point, great job. The silver body-paint look… not for me, but i can ignore that pretty easy. The tail though… that’s where unfortunate choices were made. The large mustache shaped bulge over his otherwise smoothed flat abs is a little alarming, jury still out on that one. Also maybe lose the 5x too big vambraces and show us some claw! Commit to the monster look full force!
The Quadruplets are on Kindle Unlimited. In case someone besides me is curious but does not want to spend extra money.
Is that a tail on the silver dude, tho? If it is it’s coming out of his body at the wrong place and in the wrong direction. Normally tails are part of the spine, so they emerge at the base of the spine and curve downward. This is coming out of his waist at an almost 180-degree angle. I’m reading it more as a weapon of some kind, but I could be wrong…
The silver dude’s face reminds me of all those Jimmy Fallon videos where he says “EW” a lot.
1. Please refrain from excessive criticism of the differently-abled tail. (“Just enough” criticism, however, is just fine.)
2. What has it got in its pocketses, Precious? Handses! Or nothing! From the pant profile, I’d say “nothing” is a bit more likely; that water must be really cold. Perhaps not as cold as this comment, though.
3. The multiplying babies are to keep us guessing about which one is the Audrey II.
4. If you’re going to the trouble of shining a directional light directly on your subject, could you at least try to have the shadows and shading make sense? Please? Even in cartoony drawings?
The babies’ eyes are *solid black*. Y’all remember the Black Oil from the X-Files?
I’m having a fun time picturing the babies in Mountain Man’s one room, off the grid cabin.