Welcome back to Cover Snark! Let’s settle in, shall we?
From Jen: The guy on the left – his side/stomach. I just don’t understand all the ripples. Also the bear just looks thrown in there at the last minute.
Sarah: I am very concerned for his hydration levels.
Amanda: I hope the bear gets paid well for the use of its image. We see it a lot.
Sarah: Salmon Snacks for Life.
Carrie: The bear is just waiting for another bear to show up so it can finally know REAL love.
Sarah: “Humans are so boring.”
EllenM: I’m going to need the members of the reverse bear harem to put down the steroids and slowly back away.
Sarah: BEARem?
Sneezy: “Get yourself a BEARem! But be careful! They might want you to bear’em lots!!!”
Maya: I was just trying to find a new book to listen to, but now I’m all worried about this dude’s proportions!!
Carrie: He looks like he’s inflated by air but only part way and his stomach hasn’t been inflated yet.
Maya: His pants don’t fit because he keeps shrinking, but only the middle parts!
Sneezy: You know how some people inject themselves with stuff to balloon some of their muscles out?
Shana: I see waist training with a corset is going well.
Tara: Yeah, I was thinking corset too.
Elyse: All of his organs are in his pecs now.
Shana: Omg, why can’t I stop laughing at that image now?
From LK: I found a cover snark candidate.
Sarah: Yes. Yes you did.
It looks like originally his hand was at his waist, and it was shaded out and replaced by…whatever that hand is.
Carrie: Is this a Captain Hammer situation?
Amanda: Surely he will freeze, sir. Unless the pecs are hot water bottles.
Shana: His outfit is giving me Conan the Barbarian vibes, but at least they didn’t make that dude strut in the snow.
From Lace: Cover snark says ‘OW’
Sarah: I wouldn’t recommend mullet grooming with a sword but what do I know?
Tara: Or shoulder shaving with a sword. (Say that five times, real fast.)
Sneezy: I don’t see how looking like you’re about to decapitate yourself at any moment makes you an effective spy.
Tara: No one will suspect you’re a spy if they think you’re an idiot?
Maya: Hey, everyone knows the look back and flex is the classic spy move right after sitting on a park bench pretending to read a newspaper!
“Her Earth Mates”: There are mountains, there are bears, it looks like the weather’s changing — put a shirt on.
“Guardian of Darkness”: It is snowing, there is a castle that is almost certainly not properly insulated because it’s 1100CE — put a shirt on.
“Highland Spy”: It’s SCOTLAND — put a shirt on!
Her Earth Mates: left hand dude is so lumpy that he looks more like he’s got topography instead of muscles. I’m thinking that maybe he shifts into an actual mountain range?
And now I’m imagining lots of confused geologists wondering why all this random tectonic activity is happening, and this dehydrated guy just chuckling away in the background.
Guardian of Darkness: they didn’t even try with this one. You can quite easily see the waistband of his underpants and it looks like he’s *ahem* fiddling with his sword so to speak. I mean couldn’t they Photoshop a belt buckle to cover it up? Did their free stock photo subscription run out before they could cover up the original hand?
I want to know what midge-repellents all these ancient, shirtless Scots used. Why aren’t they covered in itchy red lumps?
“Shana: I see waist training with a corset is going well.”
That isn’t a real thing, it doesn’t work. Is that supposed to be the joke?
I hit my thumb on a fairly dull sword blade last week and it’s only just healed. I can’t even cope with that guy with the blade on his shoulder, omg
On the Guardian if Darkness cover…….those nipples are just begging to be pinched.
This week’s theme is clearly
Janet I don’t like a man with too many muscles.
Frank I didn’t make him for you.
Her Earth Mates: Sorry, cover designer, I only count three fonts. But why is “Earth” different? Is this another of those inexplicable fill-in-the-blank series? Her Air Mates, Her Fire Mates, Her Water Mates, or possibly Her Mars Mates, Her Venus Mates … Seriously though: “reverse harem paranormal romance” seems like an awfully narrow category. At this pace, the RWA awards will run longer than the Oscars.
Finally, I note that the word MATES covers up what may be the most interesting part of the picture (excluding the “aw, what the heck, throw in a bear while you’re at it”). Just what are those structures on the horizon? Who built them? For what purpose?
The Player: I think he got the phone message garbled. The call from his doctor actually said she has bad news for him.
Guardian of Darkness: Well, which is it? An early-medieval romance from before they invented clothes (involving, for some reason, peculiar hand gestures), or a late-medieval fantasy Disney Castle romance?
Highland Spy: Sir, if you are trying to blend into the scenery and pass yourself off as just another peasant, I can only say you are not succeeding. And for heaven’s sake put the sword back in its scabbard before it gets rained on and/or you decapitate yourself.
It looks like they couldn’t effectively erase the extra hand in Guardian of Darkness so they just slapped a logo over it that doesn’t quite fit. Or maybe he’s somehow related to the famous Three Armed Lady.
OK guys, repeat after me: You do NOT carry a sword on your shoulder. If you rest it there for a minute, lay it flat down and wipe off the sweat and oils asap so it doesn’t ruin the finish. Otherwise you keep it in the scabbard unless needed for immediate use, because swords are HEAVY and your arm will be too sore and tired to use it if you keep carrying it like that.
All I can think of with that last one is “Just let your Soul Glo.” If you know, you know.
All the pecs n’swords are a bit distracting, but her fingers on ‘Her Earth Mates’ are giving me creepy spider vibes. They’re bent oddly, or the shadow? It feels like there are more fingers than normal, even though only 3 are showing.
re: Earth Mates
Did someone say steroids?
Cuz “PENOMENAL COSMIC PECTORALS. Itty-bitty penile space.”
I haven’t laughed so hard in a long time!!
Highland Spy: His belted plaid actually looks more like an odd cocktail dress to me. Something about his face and hair is oddly familiar– perhaps some member of Kiss in the 80s?
The Player: Does his body just taper down to nothing slightly below his waistband? In his case, that wouldn’t even be disappointing.
shirtless isn’t always a selling point
Thanks, Bagel. I just spent 30 seconds studying her hand zoomed in. My current theory is that it was actually a hand turned the wrong way around so they had to remove a thumb facing the viewer.
Mr Shirtless in Guardian of Darkness is doing something very wrong with that sword. Is it just me, or does it look like that sword is going right through his neck as well as through the V in the author’s surname?