Cover Snark: The Gray Sweatpants Effect

Hey hey! Welcome back to Cover Snark!

Extra Whip by Jamie K. Schmidt. A shirtless man with an open blazer stands behind a yummy iced coffee drink with a lot of whipped topping.

From Mischa: I love you AND I have possible cover snark submission.

Sarah: Aw, c’mon. Move the tall frothy drink an inch to the right. You know you wanted to.

Elyse: Loving the suit jacket no shirt look.

Carrie: No shirt no shoes no service, dude.

Amanda: The jacket also looks velour, which is a STATEMENT.

Seduced by a Prince by Tanya Anne Crosby. A decent historical romance cover, where a woman in a blue silky dress is embraced by a fully clothed man. However, his tight, gray breeches are leaving nothing to the imagination.

From Carole!

Sarah: Was this hero inspired by this famous picture of Freddie Mercury and David Bowie?

A photo of Freddie Mercury and David Bowie standing and talking, but their pants are very tight.

Elyse: I want hidden boners on all my historical covers now. Like the picture search in Highlights magazine.

Amanda: There are 7 boners in this cover. Can you spot them all?

Sarah: I just imagine the artist carefully shading the dude’s crotch.

“Is that big enough? Nah, let’s add a biiiiit more shadow.”

Amanda: We want it to really POP!

Claudia: Me: Oh this is fine, I don’t see anyth… Whoa!

Maya: I used to do ballet and there was this guy who used a padded dancer’s belt. My friend’s mom would call him rhino nuts. We were like 10.

Carrie: Claudia SAME! “But I LIKE this cover,” I thought to myself and then I saw what I can never unsee.

Sneezy: Huh. You know, I never gave boners in pants much thought.

Amanda: It’s very reminiscent to the “gray sweatpant” so I get why there’d be a bulge.

N.F.W. No Fucking Way by Jeanie Johnson and Jayha Leigh. There are two floating heads facing away from each other. The main has wavy blond hair, a beard and mustache. The other head belongs to a woman, who is leaning back against the man. Her dark curly hair is getting all up in his face.

Sarah: Ma’am, I’m so sorry, but you have some White dudebro in your hair? Do you need a hand with that?

Carrie: Murder Hair! (N.F.W)

Shana: I’m not sure who has it worse, the woman who was just minding her business, when a Viking grew out of her head…or the dude whose neck must be extremely ticklish right now.

Wait, it’s definitely her.

Carrie: No one wants a White Boy Head Tumor.

Shana: As a person who is very ticklish, this cover makes me break out in hives.

Royally Tricked by Misha Bell. A floppy haired man with his sleeves rolled up. However, the main offender is the font. The cursive script for tricked makes the word look like something else.

From Gloriamarie: I suggest it because of the way I completely misread the title and was rather shocked…

Carrie: If Murder Hair met Floofy Hair (Royally Fricked) then the two heads of hair would achieve sentience, mate, and unleash an army of murderous hairballs.

Clogging pipes across the land

Wreaking havoc

Haricopalypse

Kiki: Royally Tickled

Amanda: Okay there’s Fricked and Tickled and my brain went straight to Fucked.

 

Comments are Closed

  1. Elle says:

    I have a bad habit of skimming over book titles, so when I looked at Murderhair my mind went Nits! then mis-remembered the title as Nit Picking Way.

  2. DiscoDollyDeb says:

    I keep looking at SEDUCED BY A PRINCE and trying to come up with any reason why (beyond the obvious) that those pants would look like that and I got nothin’. So let’s take a moment to thank the book’s cover designer, Holly Perret of The Swoonies Book Covers, for accentuating a classic look that never goes out of style.

  3. Kris says:

    On SEDUCED BY A PRINCE, I see a little lump on the base of his penis. He really needs to get that checked out‍

  4. Nancy says:

    What? I couldn’t grow any facial hair so I glued some moss on my upper lip and attached this woman’s hair to my face but forgot to detach it from her head. Don’t judge me!

  5. Escapeologist says:

    Gray sweatpants cover has no less than six fonts, yet the tiny blurb is more readable than the author’s name. Why.
    Also the dude has very grabby hands, making me extremely uncomfortable.

    Is that a royal dog’s silhouette in the “O” of Royally Fricked?

  6. Louise says:

    Extra Whip: Thanks to watching too much TwoSet, my first thought was: but where are the tapioca pearls? Aren’t they supposed to be collected at the bottom, not randomly swirlin around?
    @Sarah: Move the tall frothy drink an inch to the right. If anything, I’d move it an inch to the (viewer’s) left. See, he isn’t human below the waist; he’s a human/overpriced-specialty-coffee hybrid.

    Seduced by a Prince: Criminy. As in the previous cover, we have a serious disconnect between above and below the waist: Upstairs, a tedious Duty Dance that he’s hoping will end soon; downstairs … yowzah.

    N. F. W.: Woo hoo, it’s another series. Not For Women; Never Fully Wearied; Next Fandango Wrestler.

    Royally Tricked: Uh, no, sorry. If this is a page from the sex workers’ catalogue, it’s a hard swipe-anywhere-but-here for me. But I do wonder what’s in the palm of his hand. The client’s phone number? Yeah, I guess it wouldn’t do to store it anywhere that could be subpoenaed.
    And if this is another series, they goofed. That guy is definitely not a king; he’d barely pass muster as a jack.

    @Escapeologist: the tiny blurb is more readable than the author’s name Oh, that’s a hard-and-fast-rule of the Too Many Fonts, Your Majesty category. The most important content has to be the most illegible.
    Is that a royal dog’s silhouette in the “O” of Royally Fricked? I read it as a schematic of royal fricking. Eeeuw.

  7. Merle says:

    Are the letters on Extra Whip supposed to be blood, or mylar balloons? Neither makes sense. Vampire coffee bars with blood syrup drizzle on the drinks? I don’t think that jacket is velour– not seeing any nap. Just some shiny fabric.

  8. Carrie G says:

    What the heck is the drink sitting on? Trash? It looks like trash. “Here, I’ll just put your drink here on all this trash,’K?”

    Or maybe, “Oops! I spilled it but I’ll just put it down with the rag under it. No probs!”

  9. SusanE says:

    What does the tiny script on the side of the NFW cover say?
    Beautiful Terrible Partnering?
    Bountiful Trouble Parenting?
    May be prophetic.

  10. Amanda says:

    I’m a little busy looking at the dog/lion thing with amazing hair in the letter “O” of Royally Fricked.

    Maybe the Murder Hair chick could ask it for styling tips.

  11. Qualisign says:

    Okay, I’m just going to say it: the gray sweatpants in SEDUCED BY A PRINCE is more truth in advertising than it is worthy of cover snark. I have always wondered how with all the boner-rich duke-nessing that goes on in historicals that the cutaway jackets weren’t recognized as a truly unfortunate fashion choice. I do remember reading an older historical in probably 2010 where the uncle/guardian (???) of a young woman looks out a window notices a damp spot on her swain’s trews as she helped her in her carriage. It would be so much more convenient to be of the merchant class and be able to cover up evidence of such interest. However, as a woman on the marriage mart, I would not have minded knowing exactly what was on offer, especially before photoshop.

  12. Merle says:

    @Carrie G: the stuff under/around the base of the drink on Extra Whip looks like a heap of crocheted edging, with some black squares that are probably supposed to be chocolate, but look more like plastic.

    I guess those are supposed to be related chunks of chocolate in the drink– which sounds like a choking hazard to me.

  13. Dee says:

    Is the frothy drink his junk or just an euphemism?

    Wow, that prince is packing.

    Her neck is at a weird angle because of the WBG (white boy goiter). That looks so uncomfortable.

    At first glance, I thought Royally Trucked and then Fricked. No to bad swirly cursive fonts!

  14. denise says:

    I got a little change in my pocket goin’jing-a-ling-a-ling…

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