Elyse Watches The Bachelorette–S18 E5: What is This Show Doing?

Elyse Watches The Bachelorette with Kraken Rum and Coke with a big rose at the bottomLast week, Michelle felt like the guys were ignoring her, and Chris S emerged as a new villain for the the season.

We open with the guys packing up to go to Michelle’s hometown of Minneapolis. This is the first time they’ve traveled on this show since Covid.

It’s also unusual because typically they go to the Bachelor/ette’s hometown at the very end of the season.

The first one on one date goes to Joe, who is also from Minneapolis.

Joe and Michelle hold hands.

They go to a Twins baseball game and Michelle throws the first pitch, then they tour Michelle’s high school and look through her old yearbooks.  She tells Joe that he reminds her of her dad and brother because he’s very reserved like that. Joe says that his dad never showed emotion so that’s how he was raised to be.

During the dinner they aren’t allowed to eat, Joe talks about breaking his metatarsal in college and then the surgeon who repaired it used a screw that was too big, causing the bone to split. He wound up needing seven screws and a plate and it impacted his ability to play basketball. He says, “Ball was life, and then ball was gone.”

He says the stress and pain of not being able to perform and constantly going to rehab made him leave college and go home.

She gives him the date rose.

The next day it’s the group date at the Viking’s stadium. They do this incredibly inane thing on group dates where the guys either see Michelle walking up or in this case a sign tells them she’s inside and they all shout her name and run forward with excitement.

Are we supposed to believe they weren’t aware she would be a part of a group date?

Do they think they’re dating each other? That some random stand in will be there?

WHAT IS THIS SHOW DOING?

The guys shout Michelle's name and it's really silly

Michelle asks them if they’re ready to meet the Vikings and they get all excited thinking of the football.

Then three guys in Viking costumes come out.

“These guys look like they’re from 1000 AD,” Rick says and I hugely impressed that he got that date right.

Click for me

Stephen Colbert says surprise

They will be competing to see who the “one true Viking” is. They start out practicing war cries, and then do a feat of strength by throwing logs. Then they have to change into Viking apparel and are led to a long table. They have eat pickled herring and “Viking head hash” which I’m thinking might be similar to head cheese.

During all of this Chris S is pouting because Nayte gets the next one on one date and he’s stuck on the group date. Last week he told Michelle that Nayte thinks he “has it in the bag” and feels like he did her a big favor warning her. For the record they never show Nayte saying that on film and it’s strongly implied Chris S is full of shit.

They eat the herring and for some reason it’s really crunchy and my misophonia is triggered. Brendan eats the head cheese while reciting “it’s just chicken, it’s just chicken.”

Lastly they have to arm wrestle. Chris S is paired with Olu, who if you remember, enjoys people punching him in the stomach as hard as they can.

Why Olu?

Olu refrains from just tearing Chris’s arm off, but not by much. Clayton winds up winning the ultimate Viking and gets a shiny helmet. He also gets the date rose.

Chris S complains that he was obviously down and Michelle didn’t check on him at all or talk to him.

Click for me

A little girl rolls her eyes

The next day Nayte meets Michelle at a lake and they go for a boat ride. Two of her friends meet them and grill him. They ask him if anyone is there for the wrong reasons and he talks about Chris S talking shit.

We cut back to the hotel where Chris S feels like his warning “fell on deaf ears.” He says he needs to talk to Michelle and it can’t wait.

During the dinner they aren’t allowed to eat, Michelle talks about how she was in a three year relationship where she did all the work emotionally. She got really sick toward the end of the relationship and her boyfriend told her he couldn’t deal and she wound up having to move home with her parents.

Nayte and Michelle watch Chris S walk up

So then Chris S shows up, crashing the date. He asks to speak with Michelle and they walk off to the patio.

Chris says, “Hey, I feel really insecure being here. I felt really disappointed last night. I didn’t get the chance to speak with you and to be honest I felt really played by the whole situation.”

“Played?” she asks.

He explains that he felt he warned her about Nayte, but she still gave him the one on one. “I warned you and I don’t want you to make the wrong decision.”

Michelle says he spoke for her at the cocktail party (he totally did) so he asks why she acted like everything was okay at the group date and why she “wore a fake smile” for him.

DUDE. You were not the only one there. Maybe she was smiling for one of the other nine guys present.

This man is just a big ol’ red flag of narcissism and entitlement and manipulation.

My thoughts on Chris S

a cartoon cat says its clearly garbage

Michelle says “I want a man who is going to stand and support me when I speak and not a man who is going to speak for me.”

Then she tells him, “I just don’t see this relationship progressing, and I do need to walk you out.”

I love how Michelle is just shutting the bullshit down.

She goes back to Nayte and they make out and watch some fireworks. He gets the date rose and Michelle tells the camera that she’s falling for him.

Then it’s time for the pre-Dreaded Rose Ceremony cocktail hour. Pudding has slept through this entire episode and I’m jealous.

During their chat time Martin tells Michelle that he thinks girls in Miami are high maintenance and she does this little “Oh really?” squint and asks him to elaborate.

Oh buddy, you are you in the danger zone.

Click for Martin

Ralph from the Simpsons chuckles and says I'm in danger

He says girls in Miami expect that a man does everything for them and that he thinks “just because you’re the man in a relationship you shouldn’t do everything for somebody because it denies the power the females have.”

She asks what makes a female high maintenance versus a male being high maintenance.

“Because usually a man doesn’t go into a relationship and be like ‘you’re going to take care of me,'” he replies.

Martin is so fucked. SO FUCKED.

Click for Martin

a man digs a grave

Michelle lets out a low chuckle and he asks, “Am I wrong?” He adds that he came here because he knew she wouldn’t “be like that.”

Then it’s time for the Dreaded Rose Ceremony.

For some fucking reason Martin gets a rose. Casey and Leroy go home. Honestly I didn’t realize Leroy was on the show because they haven’t interviewed him and he’s never on camera. That might make Leroy the real winner here.

Are you watching?

 

Comments are Closed

  1. chacha1 says:

    Excellent GIF work as usual. 🙂 I think Pudding has the right idea about this show (i.e. sleep through it) but thank you for enduring it because I enjoy these recaps so much!

  2. BC says:

    There was a point where they flashed a PSA for a suicide hotline on the screen; I think that’s nice.

    I also think it’s ironically pointed at every one of us watching this garbage show…

  3. Gail says:

    Leroy?? Who the f**k is Leroy? I so don’t understand how anyone (including the participants) can take all this seriously. It becomes more of a joke every week.

  4. chelsea w says:

    I could NOT handle them eating the crunchy fish. My misophonia had me raging as well; I was about to do a Viking yell of my own. And then Brandon running over to kiss Michelle after eating the stinky, crunchy fish? Nooo!!

  5. Annie says:

    Why do the bachelor/ettes tolerate people interrupting their dates? I find that so unspeakably rude. I hate when I’m clearly having a conversation and someone walks up and starts talking to me as if the other person isn’t there. I always have to politely but firmly ask them to wait a minute and I’ll get to them soon. I would never abandon whoever I was previously talking to unless it was an emergency. And if someone did that to me, then I’d feel pretty slighted!

  6. Christine McCullough says:

    Head cheese is delicious.

  7. OuchOuchOuch says:

    Someone please tell Olu that Houdini died after being punched in the stomach.

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